This is my first post. From reading others it seems that most here are betrayed spouses. I from the other side of the coin. I am a wayward spouse who wants to save my marriage after my affair. Am I in the right place? I know I've done a terrible thing and all I want to do now is set things right...but that's easier said than done.
I have read the info on MB and it seems to make sense, but I'm struggling with how to apply it since I am the betrayer.<p>Anyway, I'm sure you want to know my story. The OW and I were good friends for many years before something more developed. It's only been in the last few months when she was having marriage problems that we became very close. We developed a powerful emotional and physical relationship that lased about a month before my W found out two days ago.<p>It was like getting hit in the face with a glass of cold water. I suddenly realized all I had to lose and I panicked. I feel completely out of control.<p>I am 41 years old and have two teenagers. Assuming my wife still wants me, where do I go from here?<p>Low Orbit.

low - you are EXACTLY in the right place. See the post, "General Welcome..." on the Just Found Out board.<p>Yes, most here are the betrayed, but there are many WSs here as well and you will be welcomed warmly and with compassion.<p>My first recommendation is to post your story on the recovery board because you are already in "recovery" to be able to decide you want to recover your marriage. When you post there, describe your W's current attitude.<p>RIGHT NOW, end ALL contact with the OW and consider sending her a letter explaining why. Show your wife the letter before you send it. Resolve to not speak to her or see her EVER AGAIN.<p>You'll gets lots of advice from others who can relate to you better than I. If your wife is willing, consider pointing her in this direction so that she can get help, too. Counseling is highly recommended when your wife is ready.

Thank you for replying so quickly...I'll move to he recovery board even though I'm not sure that my wife wants to recover yet...at least I do.
LowOrbit

Low - I'm not surprised your W isn't ready after only two days. Please be patient. Please give her anything she wants right now. You have to kiss her butt.<p>WAT

Welcome, Loworbit...<p>I am a WS as well who is trying to put my marriage back together. I really don't think it matters if you are BS or WS...both need the wisdom so generously offered here.<p>Worth is right, she is very hurt now--lots of junk is running through her mind--why she's not worthy of your faithfulness, what did she do wrong, is she not attractive to you anymore--all kinds of complicated stuff. Be patient, it will take time to rebuild her faith and trust.<p>in the meantime, we're here for both of you.

I am new here Low as well, But I would really like to talk to you about your side of the coin. I am a BW and I can tell you from my point of view the things that my H has done that pulled me off the fence in the beginning. It has been 10 months since d-day, and my marriage is more incredible now than it ever was. I still have tremendous hurt and pain, but I can honestly say My H changed our lives for the best. <p>Here is what, going from a BW perspective that made me enter recovery to begin with.<p>*Let her know that no matter what,or when, you give her your undivided attention, you will listen to her, without defending and speak to her without offending. <p>* Give her as much space as possible, to cry, yell, scream, whatever.. but hug her and support her. <p>*Admit to your mistakes. Know that the affair happened to her (from her point of view she is the worthless victim in this) Take the responsibilty for it, and make a plan a real feasable plan, to recover your marriage. Counceling, books, the agreement, whatever. <p>*Let go of all contact with OW< immediately! If you want your wife, then drop the OW. Anything that happens with OW now, will be etched into your wifes brain forever. Just drop her. Finished. Letter form is best. I think.<p>* Be as honest to her about the affair as you can, but do not give details. She may ask questions, and the questions will be asked for a long time. DO NOT LIE to her. But be protective of her.
Like if she asks " Last week when you went on the business trip, was OW with you?" answer truthfully.. "yes OW was" You do not have to say
"Yes she was and we screwed the whole time."<p>Quick to the point honest answers are the best.<p>*If you know your W is the one for you, tell her. Tell her this situation made you realize what is the most important thing in the world. <p>*Care for her the best you can, handle things around the house so she can recover. If she is in bed crying all day, go and hold her, bring her tea. Write her a letter professing your love. be willing to wo work it out in any way possible. <p>*Remember your body language is the best indicator to her of your emotions. <p>*Do Not pressure her for sex or anything like that to fix the problems. <p>MY H made the same mistake as you, and he after awhile became accountable. It changed everything. It made me stay with him and work. I had packed my bags 3 different times, and each time he hung on to me tighter and harder, and although things aren't fields of roses everyday, we are recovering, and have a better marriage now than 9 years ago. <p>Be patient, and be there for her, when she needs you. This is not an immediate process, but it can work out.<p>Also go get the book, Surviving the affair, and work through it, hopefully together, but atleast on your own. the other books are good too, but I think that one is the best. <p>Good luck! I hope I can/could help. I would like to hear more of your side of the story.<p>-Stephanie