Hi<p>I'm 19 and i've just found out my dad's having an affair(well i don't know what to call it really!). <p>He Email's other women, chat's to them, has Cyber sex with them, texts them has has met at least one of them...should i call that an affair?<p>My mum doesn't know and in a way i don't want her to know, cos i don't know if she could handle it.<p>It's killing me knowing and not being able to tell anyone. I really want to have it out with him, but don't want to destroy my familly.<p>What should i do..have it out with him or forget about it?<p>Can anyone give me any advice.

Hi Williams,<p>I have been at the exact same place you are right now, except my dad was having an A with a real woman, not cyber sex.<p>I will tell you what I did. I confronted him...well I asked him if was having an A, and he admitted it. It was TOUGH. It made me sick.<p>I did not tell my mother. However later she found out that i had known, and she was livid that I had "protected" my dad. I wasn't. I was protecting her feelings.<p>I will tell you that my confronting Dad made not the slightest bit of difference. He continued the A until he was found out and then some. Be prepared for this.<p>My folks separated for two years, and then managed to get back on track.<p>BUT.........that was 20 years ago, and now my own H is having an A. My dad has opened up a lot to me since then, and he says that my changed feelings towards him really, really hurt him, and did make him think about what he was doing.<p>I would tell him you know, and see what happens.....<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

My kids found out about the same time I did (my 16 and 18 year old). They are disgusted and have told my H so. One of my daughters doesn't talk to him at all. The other one talks to him only when she has to. My 10 year old has written to him her feelings also.<p>He has discounted everything. He has been trying very hard to buy back their love. He is furious with me for not having them call him over Thanksgiving. But they didn't even ask to. You would think he would know from that. But he just blames it on me.<p>You are in a bad situation...and I am not sure which way makes it better. Be there to comfort her when she finds out. That is about all you can do. Your dad won't seem like he is listening anyway. Good luck.

Yes, your dad is having what definitely be called emotional affairs. And it sounds like he may have taken at least one to a physical level if he has met the woman. <p>You are in a truely awful position. You can confront your dad - perhaps tell him to tell your Mom, or you will.<p>You can't protect your Mom in this. If I were your mother, I'd want you to tell me. One of the most humiliating parts of discovery is to find out that everyone else around you knew, but didn't tell. If she finds out that you didn't tell her...she's going to feel betrayed by you also. Whether or not its true, she may even suspect you of covering for your dad. What you can do is get her a copy of Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley, and show her the articles on this site, and show her the forum and how to use it. Let her know that we are here for help and support.<p>And we can be here for you too.

Williams,<p>My teen kids did have suspicions about their dads activities long before I did. Afraid to talk to him, they did mention it to me. Didn't come right out and say.."Heyy Mom,,Dad is messing around..." but they did say "Mom, ya know my friend________ saw Dad the other night driving eastbound on the_____ freeway. You know, the night he said he was going fishing? There's no lake out that way. Where do you think he was going?" Made me think. Apparently not hard enough because I still never thought he'd do that but I can never accuse my kids of hiding the truth from me. <p>Your actions depends on the kind of relationship you have with your dad. Can you talk to him? Don't accuse or condemn. That's going to put him on the defensive. Don't expect him to admit and confess. Just try to just state your fears and concerns. Let him know he is your role model, that you know Mom would be hurt if he was doing something inappropriate. That you love him and your mom and you are afraid. <p>Good luck Williams, and let us know what you decide to do. We'll be here to help you and support you.

Williams,
My 2¢, go and talk to your mom but as every one sugested, ready w/ SAA book and even read up some MB concept yourself. Be there for your mom and help her out on whatever she decide. You did not break your family, you father did when he decides to have cyber A or even PA. Get her to this forum, as you see there are a lot of people going though the same thing. I do not think confronting him will make a different, it might but don't put any hope.

I would only like to add, read up on "the fog" it not only hurts the people betrayed but their families. You father may do/say things that are very hurtful. Its as though an alien has taken his brain. Dont let this hurtful time make you bitter. I would suggest a book called "torn assunder" by Carder, it talks about the effects on the family and children. Believe it or not Williams, you are more likely to have an affair because your father did.
Sorry you have been betrayed. Come here when feeling down, and if your mum finds out make sure she visits with us.
good luck

Dear Williams<p>I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Parents can be really stupid and selfish. My 16 year old has been through something similar. She had suspicions long before I did and even tried to drop me hints. She was good friends with the OW (a family friend or should I say Judas) and she was a "Daddy's girl." My baby recieved a double dose of hurt and betrayal. She followed her dad one evening and found out the truth. I already knew something was going on.
You need to make copies of the "proof" and sit down with both parents and confront your dad. You need "proof" because sometimes mom's have blind faith and it takes alot to open their eyes. Your mom is probably tougher than you think and has the right to know. Please don't let the lie continue.
In the bible Matthew 5:27-28 states the thought is just as bad as the act. If your father has the thoughts then the marriage needs help. <p> God Bless

Yes Williams, it's all an affair. Print up what you can and tell both parents that you know. Bring yourself and them here for support. Also remember that the Harley's are available for counselling.<p>Bluebird

Williams, I think you want to try to avoid any kind of triangulation here (i.e. you and parent X against parent Y). The reason for this is that you don't want to take sides, in case they're able to work things out.<p>Here's my suggestion. First, get yourself a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs." Learn what's in it. (This will serve you well when you get married too.) Talk to your dad. Tell him you know, and tell him how you know. Speak from the heart. Don't be accusatory, just give him the facts. Tell him that you think your mother has the right to know, and that he, not you, should be the one to tell her, but that you can't live with this deceit, so if he won't, you will. <p>The way he reacts will give you an idea of how far gone he is. Expect him to deny and be hostile. Don't take it personally; I know it's hard. Make sure he knows that you love them both.<p>Ideally, he'll break down and that will be the confrontation he needs to break it off, then he tells your mother, and they can work on healing. If that happens, you give HIM the book and tell him to work on these techniques with your mother.<p>If you have to tell your mother, be kind, be gentle. Remember, she'll probably be devastated. Let her know about this site, give her the book, let her know that there are things she can do.<p>Then BACK OUT OF IT. This is ultimately something you can't help them with. You can lead them to water, but you can't make them drink.<p>Good luck to you.

Williams,<p>There has been a lot of thoughts and suggestions here. What are your thoughts on all this and how are you doing?<p>L.