Well, I think I have finally reached my limit, looks like the end of the month will be it for me and W.<p>W and I have had some good discussions lately about what the future holds for us. W basically wants to seperate, be friends, and begin dating again to see if the spark is still there. She does not want to commit to the M or even go to MC right now either. W wants to find herself again, find out who she really is. <p>This is a big problem for me. How can we be friends, or even date, if the real issues that drove us apart are not addressed? I have had enough now, it is time for me to move on with my life, with or without her. If and when W decides to commit to our M, then I will get back together with her and work things out, but until then, there is no point for me to even hope anymore. W spends all of her time doing other things and has absolutely no time for me or the kids. I think I have finally realized and accepted the reality of the situation and know there is nothing I can do anymore. Will we end up divorced?, right now I feel that is W's decision to make.<p>I know my Plan A wasn't the best and I have done some serious LB-ing, but I think I did the best I could given the circumstances. W still insists that the A isn't the real issue, that the problems we had before are. It won't work if there is only one person willing to change for the better. I still love W dearly and really want things to work out, but at this point I am no longer willing to make anymore commitments to her. What was strange about our conversations is that W never really gave me any good reasons why we should separate and possibly end the M, just kept telling me that it would be better this way. I really am tired of waiting, hoping and trying.

lhs,<p>
Dont' know what to say. I'm sorry. I'll be thinking about you.<p>who

loveherstill - I feel I have been through your situation...
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>W still insists that the A isn't the real issue, that the problems we had before are.<hr></blockquote><p>I've heard that also. It's been posted on the boards, I think by Thorned Rose, that the WS never thinks the A is "the problem."<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>W never really gave me any good reasons why we should separate and possibly end the M, just kept telling me that it would be better this way. I really am tired of waiting, hoping and trying.<hr></blockquote><p>It's been pointed out on the boards that iin this situation, the only reason WS wants to separate is to spend time w OM. Period. <p>It's been my experience that promises made before separation are not honored, it's a way of getting apart w minimal fuss.<p>My wife never said her real feelings, excused all her actions, blamed me for everything. Plan A is to exhibit change, you cannot make deposits during an affair.<p>How have you done w working on you?<p>Dan

At first my unintentional Plan A was to try and win her back but all that accomplished was to smother her and push her away even further. So I switched tactics and kept my distance, basically listening to her when she wanted to talk, trying to be a friend and trying not to LB. I don't know how much affect this had because W has been pulling away even further and becoming even more distant.<p>I also don't know if OM is back in the picture and really have no way of knowing for sure. Whether he is back in the picture physically or not, I think that W still has a strong emotional bond with him which may be what is preventing her from letting OM go completely (he's our neighbor and our kids play together). <p>W is spending all her time with BF, says BF is helping her cope, but I thought that is what I was supposed to be doing. The sad thing about that is BF and W were having A's at the same time and were covering-up for each other.<p>I think W's insistance for a seperation is so that she won't have to deal with the affects of the A. I know W has always avoided responsibility for her mistakes, always has found some other reason for her messing something up.<p>As far as me, been doing a lot of reading, HN/HN's, SAA, stuff like that. Also been focusing on the kids and spending as much time with them as I can. I also been thinking a lot about myself and what I can do to become a better person, one of the reasons why I have gotten to the point where I am now, I have realized that I am not helping myself recover by hanging on like I am. I have to let W go and allow her to make the decision to either save the M or let it go, it has to be a joint agreement.

loveherstill,
I'm sorry to hear about your M. Focusing on you and the kids is a good thing for you to do. I hope W finds her way out of the fog, before there is nothing left to come back to. Take care and I'll say a little prayer for you.

lhs,<p>
New day today. How are things going?<p>
Just to let you know today is my DDay anniversary. 1 year. I had a horrible week last week. I figured I stay in bed and get drunk today but I don't know why I feel good today. 1 year is kinda something to celebrate instead of mourn. I endured a lot of pain and learned a lot. I'm still a work in progress but I'm slowly getting there. Anyways, keep working on you. You've been dealt a crappy hand but you're handling it well so far. I hope the weekend went well.<p>
who

Who- 1 year seems like an eternity to me, but then again so have these last (has it only been?) 3 months<p>Here is my weekend update<p>Spent the whole weekend with the kids while W went and did her 'thing'. Went to a movie (I highly recommend Monsters, Inc) and Christmas shopping, even went for a walk arounfd the neighborhood with them.<p>But…..
Saturday night W went out with a friend and came home so drunk that she could barely walk and had to be helped to the front door and too her room. All the kids were still awake at the time (daughter had a friend over) and they got to witness the whole ugly ordeal. I think I have finally realized that W is a binge drinker and has been for the last 5 years. I called a addiction treatment center and they pretty much verified this and said she needs help right away. This definetly doesn't help the situation any and I am very uncomfortable with moving out and leaving the kids with her. I'm not accusing her of being an unfit parent, but the alcohol seems to be taking a front seat to us. I am rethinking my plan to move out at the end of the month, figure W can if she continues down this road.<p>I have also realized that W has some kind of need to be accepted and loved by everyone she knows outside of her family, almost like it is also some kind of addiction. Problem is, its not her family that she goes to for this need, it is people outside of her family. These two revelations make sense because I know that during the A, a lot of alcohol was consumed and W was the one pursuing OM.<p>On the positive side, W and I talked Friday and she mentioned how helpful HN/HN's was to her understanding the dynamics of the A and how she got involved with OM. She asked if I hated her for what she did to me (absolutely not!) and said how sorry she was for doing this to me and the kids. I told her things weren't hopeless because of some of the success stories I have read here, she replied that maybe we can work things out. W also said she wants to go back to counselling by herself and get herself in order (I have heard that too many times to take it at face value)<p>I feel like I am in a no-win situation. Part of me doesn't want to say anything (the enabler) because we are both hurting so much and I don't want to make W feel any worse than she is. But then, another part of me says that I have to because she is out of control and is destroying herself, the kids and our M. I had to live through the same thing when I was a kid and still feel resentment towards my dad for being the alcoholic and my mom for not doing anything about it, guess the roles are reversed.

LHS,
I have been following your pain for some time now and understand completely how you feel, I've been there.
I'm going to tell you somthing that happend with us when we were also at the end of our rope.
My wife (WS)was also at the point where your w is and she began to feel so bad about all the pain that she caused not only to me but to the kids and others. She was at the point that she hated herself for it. I found her laying on our bed with tears in her eyes in obvious pain for what she did and what was going on day after day because of it. (Keep in mind that she too didn't know what to do or how to change the way she felt)
All I did was go in the bathroom and get her hair brush, went over to her and began to softly brush her hair. She just laid there. I didn't say a word. For a good 15 min. I brushed. Then began to quietly tell her that everything is going to be okey. I think I had tissues near by to dry her tears. All at once she got up and gave me the biggest hug, a hug I hadn't felt in months mabey years. She looked into my eyes and said with complete sinceraty, "I am so sorry". I asked "For what"? She smiled and knew that I had already forgiven her and I told her that I promese not to ever bring up the afair again. That was awhile ago and things are better than I ever thought they would be.
I have no idea why exactly this caused her to turn around but it did. I have no idea if this will help you but I just felt like I should share this with you just in case it might. Good luck my friend. <p>Stillhurts

Hi LHS,<p>I haven't been posting for awhile because i needed a break from this site, but inevitably i came back for all the support.<p>Ya know, i know that i have encouraged you to stick it out and keep praying for your marriage and w, but maybe it is time to plan b. I imagine that can be hard with kids though. i don't know...<p>Anyway, i too, am just tired and ready to give up, i have confidence no matter what that the Lord will stay by my side and give me the strength to endure anything; pain, sadness, whatever...<p>You are the best thing that ever happened to your wife, for heaven's sake, YOU are her husband and there is nobody better suited for her than you, you know why? Cuz God says so, that's why. I have a feeling that if you plan b and cut off all contact with her and tell her that you are tired of the pain and you are leaving, having no communication with her... I would bet that she would continue on with her affair, but after the novelty wears off of her affair, meaning after the element of risk wheres off and you just don't care about what the heck she is doing, she will feel alone...well, that is what i am hoping. I am also hoping that during this time, she would have clear vision and God would reveal to her the damage she has done by seeing this man and the continual damage it is doing to you, the kids and her service to God.<p>Let me know how you are doing and what you are planning to do.<p>Please email me at Julia1367@yahoo.com<p>God Bless,
Julia