It has been 10 months since I found out about my husbands 4 month affair. It has killed me. We have spent so much time together working on our marriage. He has worked so hard and I am so proud of him. I know that our remaining problems are me. He hurt me so intimately and just to the very core. I feel so worthless, naive, lonely, irrational, etc..<p>My husband has become a changed man. He is doing everything for me now. He is showing love to me constantly, and he is trying so hard. I just don't know why I can't let the agony and despair I feel go. I don't know how to give him any forgiveness. I want to be able to communicate with him how I feel, about all of the hurt. <p>Is that the best course of action? As a WH/S is it better to hear repeadly BS thoughts and emotions? Does it just push you away? Do you just feel like it is same broken record?<p>My emotions are all over the place, I have days where I am fine and happy, and the next day I can't stop crying. <p>Please, I don't know how to treat this man who is trying so hard to fix his mistake, but just makes me the ice princess. ANY feedback from WH is appreciated- I need insight.

IN2,<p>Have you gone to individual counseling? I understand your need to express your feelings, thoughts to your WH but as a WW, I would think that hearing it over and over and over would be really damaging to the rebuilding I was trying to do. I really think you do need to talk---but not to him. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold.<p>Let me know what you think.

dallas, <p>maybe you are right... I have been going to individual therapy, But I wanted to hear from a man his point of view. You know? Women are so different in our own processes.. My husband and I spend so much time talking. And I almost feel dishonest because I can't tell him my love is different. I don't want to push him away, but there are things I just feel like I need to get out. I feel like if he knew for sure that was the reason, we could discuss ways to make it better...? does that make sense?<p>Am I loosing it in self-help hell?<p>-deep

in2deep
I'm the H that cheated and is trying so hard to convince W that I have changed. At times she seems receptive at other times spiteful and cold. I can't speak for your H but when I caught my W in the arms of another man I woke up real quick. Like your H, all I want is her forgiveness, as long as I feel her resentment I'll be looking over my shoulder and being paranoid is terrible. Only you know if he's sincere

It takes a long time to recover from the A. Try reading the info. on the MB website about they steps for recovery and how to overcome resentment. You may find those steps helpful and useful to assist in recovering and rebuilding your M. K

Dear In2deep:<p>Like you, I was a BS. My story mirrors yours. And, I wish with all my heart that my (formerly) WH was able to post to you; However, 26 months post d-day, he is still uncomfortable discussing his infidelity.<p>Since he's unable to post, I will attempt to tell you how my continued "hang ups" affected him.<p>Here is my story: <p>Approximately 1 month after d-day my H really "turned the corner" and decided he wanted his marriage. He agreed to do anything to keep me and our family together. We started marriage counseling, read affair-based books together, and attempted to put things behind us. However, from d-day, my H was very "wishy-washy" regarding details of the affair. His story "changed" on several occasions-- I think my H was constantly trying to put things in a better light-- thinking that he'd have a better chance of "keeping" me. <p>Well, needless to say, the more he changed the "story" and the more the "secrets" unfolded, the more I began to distrust him...the more I began to dislike him...the more I began to despise him...the more I began to fear him...the more I wanted to escape him.<p>But, like your H, HE HELD ON when I felt like I couldn't go on. He continually told me things like, "I'll never stop loving you even if you do leave me," or "It took this terrible mistake for me to realize how precious you are to me!"<p>And, for a while, that kept me hanging on. But, I felt myself constantly holding back...questioning if I was doing the right thing by staying...questioning if I was being played a fool...questioning if this man was capable of loving me the way I needed to be loved.<p>MY UNWILLINGNESS TO EMBRACE MY NEW & IMPROVED HUSBAND NEARLY COST ME MY SANITY...AND MY H/MARRIAGE.<p>At approximately 8-10 months post d-day, I remember still being so utterly hopeless. I was still crying on a daily basis, flying off the handle at the tiniest things, and "badgering" my H to answer all the "whys/hows/whats/wheres."<p>Finally he cracked.<p>After one of my "hissy fits", H became so distraught that he just held his head and sobbed. He told me he thought he needed psychological help-- that he possibly needed to be hospitalized because he hated himself so much for hurting me...and he wished that he was dead, because surely being dead would allow me to put the pain aside and move on with my life. He said he couldn't live another day watching me suffer, knowing that HE WAS THE CAUSE OF MY PAIN.<p>From that day forward, I changed. I KNEW that I NEEDED TO CHANGE!!! I WAS THE ONE PULLING US DOWN [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . I WAS STUCK IN THE PAST...I WAS NOW THE CAUSE OF HIS PAIN [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] . I WAS HURTING HIM JUST AS MUCH, IF NOT MORE, THAN HE HAD HURT ME.<p>I'm so sorry that I wasted all those months in limbo. All those beautiful spring, summer, and fall months-- I missed the spring flowers, the summer sunsets, and the autumn colors. I missed the opportunity to LOVE MY H and to IMPROVE MYSELF. I missed the WORLD.<p>If your H has told you enough of the facts that you can "see" how the affair unfolded (without understanding 'why'), you MUST find a way to PUT IT IN THE PAST. I'm not specifically talking about forgiveness (that can come later), but I'm talking about being MINDFUL of what's happening in your life/your marriage TODAY...this hour, this moment.<p>CONSTANTLY JOLT your mind back to the present. Use daily affirmations such as-- I WILL BE STRONG TODAY. I WILL REMAIN FOCUSED TODAY. I WANT MY MARRIAGE. I WANT MY FAMILY TO REMAIN UNITED.<p>REMIND YOURSELF EACH MORNING THAT YOUR H IS BEING GOOD-- ie: My H is being faithful. My H is being kind and patient. My H is here with me, and loving/caring for me.<p>PRACTICE MINDFULNESS: Force yourself to be mindful of what is happening at that very moment-- for example: I'm sitting at my computer, typing. My feet are cold because it's cold outside. There's frost on the windowsill. The heater just kicked on. Maybe I'll warm up now...etc, etc. etc. <p>If you find your mind starting to wonder to places you don't want it to go, STOP and REGROUP. Do this over, and over, and over. Soon, it becomes habit. You will "train" your mind to concentrate on the here/now.<p>If it doesn't sound too strange to you, perhaps it would help you to read up on the Tibetan practice of "mindfulness" and/or relaxation techniques. Here are a few links (and book recommendations), in case you're interested: http://sac.uky.edu/~delaym0/meditate.html
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/A...r=2 -2/ref=sr_2_15_2/103-0009927-7734243
http://www.ramsjb.com/talamasca/avatar/mindfulness.html
http://www.dharmacenter.com/Jenna_effectsofmeditation.htm
http://shop.barnesandnoble.com/book...573221112&bfdate=12-15-2001+21:52:01<p>I am convinced these practices SAVED my sanity...as well as my H's sanity and OUR MARRIAGE.<p>Good Luck to you and your H. I hope you both find peace. ~Marie<p>P.S. My H and I are 26 months post d-day and very much in-love again [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] !!!!<p>[ December 15, 2001: Message edited by: ohmy_marie ]</p>