Just a note for those following my post. I re-read the ohio law on D and its not 6 months, its only 90 das residency in the county you file in. That means I only have 1 1/2 Months Approximately, to work this out before she can file.<p>Just thought I should Update that.<p>Not that it changes anything really, just means less time to work on M. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

wow, now I'm talking to myself. lol [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyways small update : I talked to my W on phone, we discussed the "bills" thing, and we also discussed me dropping the last of the stuff that is hers off, and asked her if we could meet for lunch or something on saturday, she said I guess, but we'll discuss that later. (A little hint of love for me left in her?)<p>I told her how I was feeling (no LBs), and how I have missed her, how much I love her, and some things I am learning about myself. I als aked if she was still reading HNHN, she said no and I asked her to please keep reading it, not for me but for her, I told her it can teach her things about herself, and she said she would read it.<p>I told her I loved her, and we said our goodbyes, and she'll call me tomorrow about our "bills".<p>Any advice for phone calls, or am I doing ok on that?

Torizo,
I used to live by myself too, pre-internet ... I only talked to my pet [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] . You will be surprise there are many lukers reading your posts. You are doing good, except pushing her to read HNHN !. Do you say that both of you could not file anyway since it cost $$$ ?. If it is not ... think .. think ... how could you ask her to stop the separation. If it is then let it go and do not discuss it. It is a mental barrier for WS, once the barrier is gone it makes it harder. Most of WS ask for quick D with the tought of lessen the guilt within them.

T,
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Any advice for phone calls, or am I doing ok on that? <hr></blockquote>I think RedHat has you peged on this one.<p>Just a thought and Mabey I'm reading this stuff wrong, but it seems that you two spend more time on the phone that my W and I. Here is an idea. MB MC is done over the phone. That tells me that lots can be accomplished over the phone. Could phone time work as undivided attention? I know that Finances are tight right now, but somewhere around 15 hours a week on the phone may be an answer. I'm just making stuff up right now, so tell me I'm barking up the wrong tree if you want. I just thought I'd toss that into the mix.<p>Thanks
Rev

The only problem with the phone is, she is the one to call me most of the time, and when we do talk, our longest phone conversation is 10 minutes, and it always seems like she has "better" things to do with her life than talk to me.<p>So based on that, I really doubt I can get anywhere close to 15 hours a week.<p>And the other problem with it is, the more time passes the more she claims to love OM, and the more "set" on D she becomes.<p>as for the actual filing, I WILL NOT file, I absolutely refuse, based on I love her and I WANT to work our M out, and she can't afford it, based on she has no job, OM has no job currently, and her friend she is staying with can't afford to give her the $$$ right now, as well as she still has to wait 60 days or so. I don't think there is a way to change her mind though, and I don't think there is a way to stop the seperation.<p>We've been apart for more than a month now, except the phone calls, and the more time goes on, the less she "wants" to work on anything except D, It is her one-track mind, shes set on ending M.<p>I just wish, at some point, for her to really look at the situation and think about the "Big picture" here, not just what is in front of her at the immediate time.<p>[ December 26, 2001: Message edited by: Torizo ]<p>[ December 26, 2001: Message edited by: Torizo ]</p>

T,<p>Sory about the phone thing, thought it was worth a shot. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Torizo:
<strong>I just wish, at some point, for her to really look at the situation and think about the "Big picture" here, not just what is in front of her at the immediate time.</strong><hr></blockquote>It may take time, and you may have to plan b her, but this will happen.<p>Remember from your reading, we can't compete with the fantasy world that the WS and OP create, but in time reality must set in. It's that time thing again. I HATE that, but it's true.<p>Things to think about:<p>Does she know about the time issues in your state? If not let her keep thinking it is 6 months.<p>If neither of you have the $ for D then It will take even more time.<p>Even if you have to D, DON'T make it ugly. If reality sets in after D she needs a safe place to come home to.<p>Remember, you have a an advantage long term. You know what her EN's are. Think he does? Think he's even thinking about this? I won't promis she'll be back, but I will promis that reality will set in eventualy. No one can keep that kind of fantasy going forever.<p>Off on somthing else:
Have you seen this: Divorce Busters. I saw it in another post just the other day.<p>Thanks
Rev

I wanted to avoid plan B, but it looks like it may come to that in the next week or two. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Yeah, I know, We can't compete with fantasy, thats why she likes being with him so muc, it's the fantasy.<p>I don't think she knows about the time restrictions, as for mony a month or two down the road she may have it, one way or another.<p>As for D, I don't intend for it to be ugly, I'll go through it, but I will not be the one to initiate the filing of the papers, she will be the one to file, I'll be nice about it and sign everything, but I absolutely refuse to file. That way, if god forbid, we don't ever get back together, at least I know in my heart and mind, I tried to fix our M to the bitter end. I guess it's a piece of mind thing.<p>ENs, Unless he reads the book, he'll never know, it took this before I realized what she needed. <p>I have told her, now and even after this is "over", if she ever needs someone to talk to, I'll always be here for her, my home and my heart are always open to her. and she seemed puzzled, that after this, how could I do that, and I told her, because my love is that strong for you.<p>and thats another thing, evertime I tell her how much she means to me or how much I love her, i can tell from her voice that she is crying, or at least tears are coming, why if she thinks she is doing what makes her "happy", is she crying at what I say? (Reality?) and she tells me, "I never wanted to hurt you, not like this". ok then end it with OM and come and work on M. (But I won't say that to her [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ) That would be LB.<p>Time... Time is all thats left... the uncertainty of time...

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Torizo:
<strong>I wanted to avoid plan B, but it looks like it may come to that in the next week or two. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
</strong><hr></blockquote>
What is the hurry ?. You just plan A'ng your wife .. don't expect any result kiddo !.. I am yet still waiting for my W to cry about A.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Yeah, I know, We can't compete with fantasy, thats why she likes being with him so muc, it's the fantasy.</strong><hr></blockquote>
You are right about this however you let them live in it ... they will find out that It is just a fantasy. You stay away from it and let them see it them self.

So plan A is the best choice now?, and I guess I have not much else to say right now, She will be calling me later, when she calls the utilities to change them from her name to mine. Phone,Elec,Gas,and cable, which is just as important as internet right now [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] . <p>Daily life 101 : Get up, shower, hunt for job, come home, play with cat, watch cable, play on computer,sleep. Do it all over the next day.<p>oh, and wonder about how wife is, and the curiosity of if somewhere in the "fog"or"blackhole" in her life/mind , Does she still love me and care for me At all?<p>I just wish I knew....<p>It hurts not knowing....<p>I know, I know, back to the time issue... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

And the worst thing about all this,(ok probably not the worst), Whaen we got a place together, I moved out of my parents house to be with her, I never wanted to live on my own, I never had a "need" to, and looking back (hidsight sucks sometimes) about the time when she "met" him on-line she started saying things about being "on her own" because she has never been "on her own". she went from high scholl, to marriage (common law) to an abusive husband, (both mentally and physically) to moving up here(he went to prison), to being with me, and to this day she carries things from her past, I wonder if it plays into this???<p>Oh well...Time....Time is the answer...I hope<p>I heard this on another post : The Grass Is Greener On The Other Side, Because There Is More Bull$#!* Over There.<p>[ December 26, 2001: Message edited by: Torizo ]</p>

Update time again, I Called W and asked her if she had contacted Utilities places, she said no but she is going to when we get off the phone, We talked for some time and I asked her to come home or at least come to MC with me, she said sadly she can't because she is living with OM, I continued telling her how much I love her and how much I want to still work this out, she asked how can I want to work it out after what has happened, And I told her my love for her goes deeper than anything she can do that is bad. She didn't say anything to that, I also asked her about just dropping her stuff off and leaving or if we could go out somewhere, and she said I'll let you know. oh, and I guess in the next week her and OM and her friend are going to NY tho get his stuff and bring it back, so I guess this is it for them, now for him to get a job, and for them to get a place, and hopefully they will find "real-life" isn't what they think it is. <p>Also I told her today that she is going to have to file the papers if she really wants D, I'm not going to do it, and she said thats fine. (Guess the train is still on it's same ol' track).<p>I told Her I love her(like I always do) and she said she'd call me back after she gets done with utilities, to tell me what they said.<p>If only there were a way for her to experience what D and "real-life" feel like now, or at least a taste of it, That would make me happy. I think...<p>Depending on this weekend (or whenever I drop off her stuff) We may have more, we may have less contact, More if she decides to go somewhere with me, and less if she just has me drop off her stuff.<p>To quote Mel Brooks/Yogurt in the movie spaceballs : Oh what a world,what a world,what a world...
Time...

Ok, Got off the phone again with W, She called all the companies, all but 2 are switched over to my name, Phone(past due, wont switch until paid), and Elec. Same thing), any ways Good news along with this, Let me re-phrase that GOOD news, she has decided to see me on saturday, and she said we'll talk about all this (situation and whatnot I'm guessing) So if there was a chance to pull in some Love Deposits, here it is.<p>help, what should I/shouldn't I do, gotta make up some serious Deposits to keep on this track.<p>Thats the latest info..... <p>Time.....

Three cheers to you my friend,
You are doing a good job and it sounds like you know how to handle yourself when you meet her sat. The one thing I can think of is to listen carfuly to what she says. Its always a good thing to repeat what she says in so many words and in a kind way. This lets her know that you are hearing what she says and you are validating her feelings. Somthing I had to learn to do especialy when we were having an argument or diagreement.
No love busting!!!!<p>SH

Thanks, SH , Yeah REALLY listening, is not one of my better qualities, but I'll try to do it, alot is "riding" on it. No LBs.

T,<p>Congrats man. This is only a small step twards a long journey, but you got to start somehow. You know what you have to do. If you have to reherse before you go do it. We are all behind you on this. Remember, you don't have to be perfect, just keep a head about you. Your the one with the ENQ, and your the one she fell in love with before. That is an advantage.<p>You can't win the war on saturday. This is only a small battle. Remember that! If you try to win the war you'll end up pushing her away.<p>I think you are ready for this. Remember what you have learned and you'll do fine.<p>My prayers go with you.<p>Thanks
Rev

Hiya T,<p>Checkin' in and see that you are moving along. Yep all that back and forth babble stuff is hard to swallow but you appear to be in a better spot. Despite the odds against you, you are able to keep a clear head!!! I am proud of you. <p>Your W is still very much in the fog. Babbling a bit also. Plan A keeps them confused. I mean why would you want them back after they did so many bad things and still may do more? The fogheads just don't get it. So we keep plan Aing as long as we can then go to plan B to keep our santity. <p>It is a long road ahead but you keep building your strength. You have progressed farther than you think. That is why others here have commended you on your progress. <p>Take the pat on the back but don't get a swell head (only joking [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ). <p>Take Care,
L.

Thank you all, I just want to show her change is possible, and home is a "safe-place". Should I meet her with flowers(she loves roses) or something? <p>I don't know what exactly we are going to do, or where we are going, but either way we are going to talk about "things"(as she put it, good or bad I don't know yet),I hope good...<p>She is my world, and I don't want to screw it up...<p>God Bless.<p>[ December 27, 2001: Message edited by: Torizo ]</p>

My prayer for you & W. God Bless you.

Thank you.<p>I will update on situation either saturday evening, or sunday morning.<p>God Bless.

Found a really Nice card at the store,<p>The front says : I've never been so inspired by love, so lost in the feeling that I could stay there forever...
Inside : It's as if you and I were lovers in another time and place and all of our lives have been but preparation for this reunion. it's as if no two have ever loved the way we do, as if your lips were made for mine and my hands were meant to touch only you.<p>With all of my breath and body, mind and soul - I'm so in love with you.<p>Don't that just make you smile?<p>What do you think, that card and a dozen roses, that ought to make a couple love deposits, no?