With the freedom women have gained in the last 80 years and the Womens Lib movement it seems we have reversed roles in our American Culture these days. Are American Wives becoming Amazons by changing out their Husbands when they tire of them? So far in my seperation I have learned some hard facts of life. 1.Women divorce Men twice as often. 2. MOST marriages suffer from infidelity?!?! 3.The Women in my wifes life plus the few I work with seem to almost always bring up sex in their conversations with each other. (Men dont make it a habit to discuss it with their friends after puberty). It appears as though modren day women have diffuclty being monogamous. Men used to have traditionaly been accused of being over sexed and thinking with the wrong head. I am just trying to understand how our culture has been changed to be so anti-family.<p>From learning about affairs from "Surviving an Affair " I now believe my wife of twenty years did somthing a few years back when she became more and more distant. She was a stay at home mom while I did my best to support our disfunctional family of 5. I was accused of being too controlling. She slept on the couch and she became parinoid I was listening in on her calls. I have been under a lot of stress and depression due to the frustration and resorted to first drinking and then I quit only to get into internet porn out of lonelieness. She has always had health issues and when she came down with Herpes II last year I started asking for her to go to marriage counseling. This year she spent 6 weeks out of state to "help her grandmother" so when she came back I pressed her for counseling and she filed a 12 month PFA to avoid it. Yes I made the mistake of spanking her when she tried to wrestle & tickle me but I did not rape her like she reported. Because of her I.C. and health issues she has sucessfully convinced all her friends, some Church Elders and our counseler that it was me that gave her STD because I drank 3 yrs ago and was into internet porn last year. After a lot of memory jogging and witch hunting I came up with no illicit relationship(I never cheated). I even had a Blood test done to prove my immune system was never exposed to Herpes I or II. Although I gave a copy of this to our Counselor, he still wont see or talk to me because he had trouble with the truth in the case. Previously he told me my wife has some serious emotional issues. My wife is an expert excuse maker and He said He wont even start to work on the marriage until the truth comes out about how she got the STD. <p>I believe my wife expects this seperation to silence me and drop the subject of infidelity. I am not very social and she has turned most people I do know against me with her rumor control phone calls. I like the Love Bank concept but dont want to endure any more abuse. If she would just appoligize I would be happy to rebuild our marriage the right way but I dont want to wait 12 months to start talking about it. She is lying or in serious denial and our only comunication is through lawyers now. I have had a pretty much laid back approach for this year in walking on egg shells around her trying to keep the peace. When the PFA started I told my Lawyer to let her control custody. Maybe it is time to hit the 6 month Plan B Tough Love Button. Actually divorce may be a blessing for me and the kids due to my wife's mental & physical health issues. I just want to have God's wisdom on planning & timeing. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ December 15, 2001: Message edited by: 20yrs hurt Husband ]</p>

It has been a few days 20yh, how are you doing now? Have you been able to prove infidelity on your W's part? <p>L.

I am looking forward to my second appointment with my counselor next week. We are going to deal with my fears of divorce. I asked him to see if he sees any &#8220;sexual addiction&#8221; issues and to consider collaborating with my wife&#8217;s counselor.<p>The only real proof of infidelity is the fact my wife has Herpes II. She gave me a letter accusing me of giving her an STD and mentioning Valtrex. She also told me in addition to her friends it is Herpes type II. My counselor and my Wife have told me to tell the truth about my supposed infidelity and the PFA will be modified. She has been talking to a doctor&#8217;s wife all this time and she and her husband have told me they know I cheated on her because she contracted herpes. <p>The problem isn&#8217;t my pride but the fact I don&#8217;t have Herpes I or II. Her plan to infect me in the last 50 contacts was unsuccessful because men don&#8217;t contract the disease unless it gets into their blood steam. <p>Since I have a PFA order (based on embellished charges such as rape) on me till 10/11/2002, we have not had a chance to talk about this with a marriage consoler. I wanted my wife to discuss this with a marriage counselor since she came down with herpes II back in April 2000. We are not having any marriage counseling. I believe the PFA was a ploy to avoid marriage counseling. <p>She accused me of giving it to her then when she was diagnosed with a swab test at the STD clinic. She was so swollen she could not walk and I saw it. Her friend had to talk her into going because she was scared. Every one suggested to her that I cheated on her so she thrived on betrayed spouse sympathy from her friends for the next year & half. Then in the spring of 2001 she spent 6 different weeks in Ohio with out calling or coming home the days she promised. Each of her sisters called me while she was out there with their concerns about her health and party lifestyle. Then she was re-diagnosed this summer with another swab test. I have had no symptoms but finally went in to be checked and was told about the antibody blood test. The ELISA test proved my immune system never was exposed.<p>I don&#8217;t absolutely think she had an affair. She is very attractive. She very well may have been taken advantage of by someone and is afraid to admit it. She was very social and I felt was too forward with men in a naive way. My wife has a history of depression, anxiety disorders, and has been counseled in the past for possible sexual abuse from her childhood. Obviously she is having a serious problem lying and has left our Church because she &#8220;doesn&#8217;t like our pastor&#8221;. I did talk to her during a call arranging child visitation and she told me Herpes was never an issue and I kindly told her it was a big deal to me. My pastor did counsel her once with me and thinks (like our &#8220;Marriage Counselor&#8221; has told me) that my wife is mentally ill. She now has called him saying she never had Herpes II. We wont be holding our breath for the test result she promised to prove this. Thru all this I have tried to be careful not to blatantly accuse her of cheating on me. It is God&#8217;s kindness that leads us to repentance.
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Hi, <p>Well she got it somewhere and if it wasn't from you and you can prove it, the time of reckoning may come sooner than she wants. <p>Denial is a card those in the fog play up all the time. Then the Babbling starts and if you allow yourself to go along with it, you will ride that roller coaster of emotions and suffer a lot of pain as a result. <p>If your W is accusing you, then you need to talk to a counselor yourself to see how to protect yourself. It is important especially if there are children involved. It is sad to see a W resort to such measures but you both need protection at this time. <p>See if you can schedule some time with Steve Harley or a counslor in your area. <p>Take Care,
L.