After 11 years of marriage plus another 5 years of friendship before that. My husband drops the bomb on me last Friday. He doesn't love me anymore..he hasn't been in love with me for years. He says there is nothing there and he wants a separation. At first I agreed that we have had a pretty loveless marriage in the past few years. He is quite a moody person so I gave up trying to make him happy. We had barely any sex life anymore..It was empty. After a couple of hours of talking I realized that this is NOT what I wanted. I love him still...as a best friend and as a lover. I tried to change his mind over and over again. He said we needed to separate and see what would come of that. The next day he left for a thinking day. He was gone most of the day and arrived home around dinner time. He looked so sad. Then I finally asked if there was someone else and he said yes and that he was in love with her. That was it I lost it!! I was not letting go of my man! I tried so hard to convince him that I loved him to much for him to go and that we have to much history to just say good bye to it all. We have a 6 year old daughter that loves the family unit. Lets try.... He finally relented and said that he didnt' think that I even loved him anymore. He said he thought I wanted him gone. He said that he fell in love with her by accident...it just happened.
I decided at that point that I would put the affair behind us(non sexual) and go on. He agreed and said that our marriage and family was what he wanted. The next day he called the other woman and told her it was off. The only bad part is that they work closely together. I have been doing what it says on this site...giving him lots of love and attention. We are back to making love...but it just feels like sex for now. Iam sure that will change with time. He isn't there emotionally yet. He still feels so distant. Last night he told me that I am smothering him...that I am trying to hard. This is all so confusing..Not loving enough...loving too much. I still think that at any moment he is going to say..Nope I am going this isn't working.
It is hard to give emotionally now to him and not get very much back. Maybe we are too far gone. Maybe I can't bring him back?
He has also changed his personality...He now feels so superior about himself..to the point that I feel pushed down. I think it is wonderful that his self esteem is flurishing but I also feel like I need some esteem building. What to do?

Then I finally asked if there was someone else and he said yes and that he was in love with her. <p>
LAC,
Welcome! It gets quiet here on weekends and this is probably why you haven't had any replys. <p>This one quote caught my eye and I think you should realise that an A (affair) will cause people to lie, lie, lie, lie,lie........
Keep your eyes and ears open and do your home work (i.e. snoop) because if he is still involved with her you will be at a disadvantage until the truth the hole truth and nothing but the truth comes out. I was shocked when I found out the truth and I thought my marraige was doing good.
You will get good advise here hang tight. <p>Stillhurts

Hi, You are at the right place, I am sorry to hear this kind of thing keeps happening to so many people- YOU ARE lucky he did not walk, my H walked out... and sd all the same things, but sd he could not end it... that was sept. 15... since she ended it... there have been lots of lies, and lots of lb's - YOU ARE ON A ROLLERCOASTer ride of your life. I am so sorry for you. <p>I am going to truthfully tell you this is so hard. Please read the book, surviving an affiar, and his needs her needs... at least the first one for sure. GO to counseling asap. You can call the 1-800 number on this site.. in the counseling area I think and find someone who practices mb ways in your area. Mb is so much better than traditional counseling, it helps you build and accentuate the positive, not just analyzing the negativ.e. Most counselors seem to focus on neg. Go to individual also if you can, and couples therapy if he will.<p>My H still loves our sex life... now after the affair ended which he claims was mostly emotional.. but can't get her out of his head. AGGGH! It is awful, my H has always loved me sooo much. I am sooo sorry he doesn't right now... or doesn't think he does... but I am working hard on rebuilding marriage.<p>
thanks for posting, post often and read often. You are not alone, get familiar with the affairees characteristics and patterns, read about the good, bad and ugly in healing a marriage. PRAY> GO to church and try to get him to, build spiritually... that will really help. Take care of you more than ever, you need to feel better. Yes, my H is very stuck on himself right now... I am hapy too to see him confident, but not that he thinks he is better than me. Sad, being the mother of his children and all.<p>LOVe to you, lisa<p>email me if you like, lisaannsmail@yahoo.com

LNC<p>I read a few things on your post that mirrored my situation exactly. But first, welcome to MB. Sorry your about your situation, but know that this is the best place to be. If it weren't for MB and all the wonderful people on these forums, I wouldn't have made it this far (DDay 9/27/01).<p>Last night he told me that I am smothering him...that I am trying to hard. - W told me the exact same thing. A mis-guided Plan A on my part. So I backed off, big time. Now I just make sure I am available for W whenever she wants to talk and avoid LB's as much as possible. I also make sure that the house is the type of environment that she feels comfortable with and wants to be in, instead of some other place.<p>He said that he fell in love with her by accident...it just happened. - Same thing, but add the soul mate, we were meant to be together, I will never stop loving him, it was him instead of you that I should have married and all the other crap. Don't believe it for one minute. It can be helped or else we would all be having A's all the time!<p>He doesn't love me anymore..he hasn't been in love with me for years. He says there is nothing there and he wants a separation. - Don't buy into this either, its just the WS's way of avoiding the responsibility of the A and the pain and suffering it has brought.<p>Please read SAA and HN/HN's, they are very helpful. Also remember that Plan A'ing is about you, not WS. You cannot control WS, only the way you act and react to this situation. You have a history together and want the M to work out and that is a huge advantage on your part. Stay strong, use this forum to vent, not WS. And yes, this is going to be the emotional roller coaster of your life so hang on and keep your legs and arms inside the car at all times.