I have been coming here for support almost 9 mos. now. I went back and printed out my old posts, I can really see progress,but it is so slow and painful.
I would encourage any "new" person here to make a monthly post and keep them as a progress record. I tried to keep a journal but couldnt open it because it was so painful to write what I was feeling.
So I think I will post once a month to reflect on the time.
Post for month 8:<p>Can it be that something that happened almost 9 months ago could still bring me to tears? How could something hurt a person so deeply, shake their bones, make their skin cry out?
At first I thought I must be different than others, this hurts me more than others because I loved more deeply. It wasnt so.
I learned that in A.A. they have a term called "terminal uniqueness" thinking that you are different than the other alcoholics. How well this applied to me, before the affair I thought "oh, couldnt happen to me, we are the happiest couple of all our friends" then the most awful thing happened, I wasnt so special after all.
After the affair I found I was still no different my pain was like so many others here. It mattered not that I lost weight, slept rarely, couldnt focus,had horrid dreams. I wore these as a badge as to how much I had lost, how devoted I was, how different I was. The revalation that I was like so many others comforted yet alarmed me.
True to form I made a plan. The fastest way from point A to point B is a straight line I said. I fought with all my might for my marriage, I loved better, cared better,made timelines. I set asside time for devotion, alone time quality talks.
I was supportive throughout the "fog" coaching husband on how long and bad withdrawel would be.I zipped into action calling a pastor to see us immediatly. Threatened disclosure to other womans husband if further contact.
Then when all the dust settled, the fog lifted, the emotions returned to earthly limits. When anxiety attacks were rare, and I felt more in control of my life.
I looked over my hard won kingdom and said "at what price" my big prize was an infedel, a wounded animal who didnt see the plan as I saw it. He didnt keep up with readings and marriage homework and discussion times. His road from point A to point B was not a straight line.
Now nearly nine months down the road, we are two tired broken people. We are back in the same relationship we had before the affair only much more tired from all the work. Less likely to jump to help the other, much quicker to snap. Like someone here said "dont poke at a wounded animal, it will bite you"
Is the old relationship good enough? Was it before? Of course a few changes have been made for the better, well actually many improvements. The good things just dont feel as good now as they would have before March 23 2001.
Im tired, easily defeated. I wanted recovery to go by my timeline and plan but of course my way (the right way -wink) is not the only way.I must learn patience and forgiveness.
Will we make it? I dont know. The answer changes daily,heck, hourly some days. I know we will keep trying till we cant try anymore.
My revalation for last month was: This was his weakness I have my own. I cannot fix his weaknessI can only fix mine, and I have plenty of them. He now has his eyes opened to the weakness and it is his job to protect me and our family. If he doesnt protect us it is HIS failure and will ultimatly cost him more than me (not in material things)Bad choices have bad consequences.
I cannot watch him enough, remind him enough, I cannot be his conscience, I have my own demons.
Things I know: I know, and always have, that he loves me and our children. I know I love him. I know this now more than before the affair. I know that our family is better whole. I know I will be ok no matter what the outcome of this journey.<p>
until next month
