This is a copy of my post In Recovery just a few minutes ago. I want to put it on here too, where it might help someone more just possibly. God bless you all this holiday season.<p>Well, I was going to stay away from here today. But, I did some searching last night though on all my old posts looking for something in particular that I wanted to re read that was in retrospect the single most important bit of advice anyone ever gave me. I couldn't remember who said it, and unfortunately couldn't find it.

On thinking it over I think I actually read it in the few weeks I was just lurking here before I got up the guts to post the first time, and it was actually advice to someone else who felt similar that I took to heart. So I will probably never be able to find it and remember who it was that said it to thank them proper, unfortunately.<p>It is advice that I have given many times over to others, and the single biggest reason that I made it through to where I am now. If the below sounds like something you might have said back in late April or Early May then it very well could be you that I want to thank so much. If no one remembers posting this- that is ok, I hope that others might read this and maybe it will help some other new lurker out there that is sitting on the edge of their sanity not knowing what to do.<p>I read (not exact quote, just what stuck in my mind- might even be conglomeration of several things I saw, who knows):<p>If the change in your spouse is real, if everything can be better than it was before, and the current problems can lead to you having the marriage you always wanted would it be worth it?<p>You cannot make a decision to divorce or reconcile forever in your state of mind right now, and you don't need to. Can you commit to your marriage for a period of time. How long have you been married (In my case almost 9 years), is it worth trying for 6 months, 9 months, a year if the reward was that you will have the marriage you trully wanted all along? <p>If you can commit to not making your decision now, but rather give it 6 months even - time to let your head straighten out a bit - you will be able to make a decision with a clearer head, and might even find that you have given your relationship the single most important key you need right now to really make this better than before and all you hope it could be, time.<p>During that period, you must commit to doing your best, reading and following the Harley priciples of recovery, and to the best of your ability. But don't let it overwhelm you, this is a short term commitment for now, day by day. When your short term commitment is up- then you will be able to sit back and evaluate where you are, and whether or not you still want that divorce, and you will be able to do it with a clearer head and the knowledge that you did everything you knew to do to try to save yor marriage. <p>You can always get a divorce, but once you jump into it in the heat of an emotional crisis, you cannot take it back.<p>Well, whoever said that, you saved my marriage. Not only did I commit to 6 months, but at 6 months I sat back and said you know what- this is getting better- and now we are almost a year from d-day, and I am at a turning point. I really do love him, I really do see that he is now all I ever hoped he could be, and I (though frightened at this precipice) realized just in the last day that I already am committed - forever to making it work.<p>Thank you mystery writer for giving me this precious gift through your wise words.

Hi NY,<p>Well, I'm almost afraid to comment, because I know my post won't be anywhere as eloquintly phrased as the advice you posted. However, when I had my first counseling session with Jennifer Harley Chalmers, she said something to me that was very similar to what you've written. We all want that truly loving relationship with that special person. At the time I started MB counseling, I had just gone through eight months of conventional counseling and we were starting mediation. Jenn said something like "you can either commit the next six months to rebuilding a loving relationship with your wife and daughter, or you can spend six months trying to find and fall in love with someone else, all the while dealing with a divorce and child custody issues." "Wouldn't you rather fall in love with your wife, and restore your family."<p>Ok, so that was sixteen months ago, and that much time of Plan A, and a D-day three weeks ago, but the same still holds true for me. And it appears that we're in recovery and heading toward that goal. Certainly took a bit longer than I originally expected, but still the better choice.<p>Thanks for your post. It IS truly inspirational, and hopefully something that people give deep thought and consideration to when at that "fork" in the road.

Thank you persistant.<p>I am so glad that I made that choice, and I will pray for you too. I need a break from it today, but put a link on here for me to your post that explains your recent d-day, and as soon as I feel able to again I want to come back and read it.<p>I do hope this thread is helpful to someone else, it is the least I can give in exchange.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi NY,<p>It's here:<p>Persistant's JFO Post<p>Actually, you will see that it's quite long. I've been lucky in that some MB friends have provided a lot of support in these two weeks. And we're still in counseling. Guess a lot of my post was having someone to talk to, or report progress to. An affair is not exactly a subject you want to share with your family and relatives. I think their tendency is to try to protect you, by telling you how bad the other person is, and that you deserve something better and should divorce. I'd rather just have them view us as having some marital problems that we're both committed to working through, and being supportive, rather than side-taking and saying what a horrible person the WS is. Ok, now I'm rambling.

Mike-<p>Thank you for leaving that thread for me to read. I only had time to read your first two posts (from you) on the volumous thread, but what an amazing story. And I can't believe how well you expressed the situation and your feelings, and your outlook on it all. I guess it helps to be a veteran before you find out!! <p>I cam imagine after that many months of beating your head on the wall it would be a relief to find out why it wasn't working! I hope yu have a wonderful holiday season, asnd I look forward to seeing you in recovery. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

WOW,<p>I have posted a few things these past few days. I just stumbled acorss this thread...more out of curiosity than anything else. All, I can say (fighting back tears) is thank you....thank you thank you thank you. <p>I love the quote of "You can spend the next 6 months falling in love again with your spouse and daughter, or you can spend the next 6 months fighting custody issues and trying to fall in love to someone else".......WOW.....I am speechless. How loigical that is....I mean, I have spent the last 3 weeks scheming, planning, talking, writing, reading, evaluating my life, never have I ran across that. <p>My wife is Bi-Polar (aka Manic Depressive), and if anyone knows anything about Bi-Polar illness, it is one of the only ILLNESSES that doesn't biologically destroy the body, but it is the one that leaves the most human carnage. It has been tough on us. I talked to her this morning and I asked her to give me 3 sessions with her in couple counseling (She doesn't like me to use the word MARRAIGE), she agreed....which is a break thru, last week she was dead set against it.<p>I am putting PLAN A into action.......I am also going to be picking up Dr. Harley's books.<p>I know there are "His Needs, Her needs", but what others books are there. I am reading "Relationship Resucue" right now by Phillip McGraw (AWESOME BOOOK). <p>Keith!

Hey Keith,<p>When I started MB counseling I was reading HN/HN. Jenn asked that I put it aside and read Give and Take. That book has since been updated and is now Fall in Love/Stay in Love. I would start there, and suspect the MB counselor would tell you the same. If an affair is in your situation, Surviving an Affair would be the first one to read.<p>Yep, I've read Relationship Rescue, Divorce Busting, the majority of the Harley books, and a bunch of others. Some have similarities to MB, some closer than others. Guess my thought though was to stick with the exact MB program. So read FIL/SIL or SAA, then HN/HN and Love Busters till you can quote them chapter and verse! Ok, so maybe just get through FIL/SIL then we can go from there. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Great thread. There is no doubt that decisions made while emotionally distraught or exhausted are not usually the best. I will pray for you that God will give you peace and discernment. <p>Guardian<p>Psalm 61

"My wife is Bi-Polar (aka Manic Depressive), and if anyone knows anything about Bi-Polar illness, it is one of the only ILLNESSES that doesn't biologically destroy the body, but it is the one that leaves the most human carnage. "<p>I do know quite alot about it actually. First off my H's ex W is bi-polar- and second off someone I got to know and follow here on the boards in manic. Look for threads from cheatedonin98. She is amazing. I am willing to bet they will help you alot.<p>God bless you and stay strong, and yes, read Surviving An Affair, tonight! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Scared,<p>The statement you refer to has been used as long as I can recall here at MB (almost 3 years). I believe it was counseling advice given to someone (might be K) by Steve Harley. So it isn't surprising that some are remembering that Jennifer said the same thing.<p>It is a very powerful statement and puts things in their proper perspective. That is why it is often repeated by people giving newcomers advice.<p>In any event, the best thing about your question is the reason you asked it. Congratulations on your success and the success of your rebuilding your marriage.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

JL- thank you. My intention is to thank the person who took the time to put it there so I could see it- whether it was new or not I needed it then. Also to pass along to those out there that might need it now (reason for my repost here). And thank you for the congrats. I don't think it's a process that you can ever call done but the milestones sure do feel good to pass! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]