I recently (2 1/2 weeks ago) found out that my husband of 5 years (relationship for 12) has been cheating on me. I am going through the typical stages, denial, self-pity, anger, hostility and sadness. I feel as though I am the one trying to salvage what is left of us. I walk on egg shells around him trying to be perfect. He tells me that part of him loves her. Ugh.... He ended things last night, but I can't get past this sick feeling. We have a wonderful friendship and 80% of our relationship is fantastic. So what now? Any help or suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you.

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I have also been trying to heal for almost two months. The only thing I had going for me is my husband said he loves me and not her. The first thing I would suggest is counceling, with a good councelor. He can help you both come to grips with your pain, as well as, the issues that caused your husband to stray. Remember that you didn't make your husband do this. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this (or not done). Also remember that although you husband was the one in the wrong, that doesn't make him a bad person. It was a concious choice, and a bad choice. Remember that your husband is probably dealing with pain and guilt over hurting you. That could cause him to act like he doesn't want to work things out. Have a serious talk with him about what he want, and make a plan of how the two of you will accomplish those goals. The pain will fade although it will take a long time. Your husband needs to understand that. He caused your pain. If he wants to work this out he will allow you time. Our councelor told my husband and me that thing will often get worse before they get better, but they will get better. Keep your chin up. You are a beautiful person, and your husband is lucky to have you. Most women would have walked out. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but he loves you. Try praying every night for your husband, your marriage, and for you. He will hear you. Let me know how things are going. Good luck.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Thank you for your input. I greatly appreciate any help available. I think the problem is that my husband doesn't know what he wants. Whether it is me or someone else. That kills me. We have a terrific relationship (well, so I thought). We get along beautifully and have for years. Our problems are more intimate and he found what he was looking for with "her" now he doesn't know if he should hang on to her because of the sex or me because of everything else, and hopefully sex. Ugh...

I read this and couldn't resist a reply. See my signature for demographics. I was a WS for the first half of our relationship. Now I am dealing with some of the problems I caused.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by LearningToHeal:
<strong>Our problems are more intimate and he found what he was looking for with "her" now he doesn't know if he should hang on to her because of the sex or me because of everything else, and hopefully sex. Ugh...</strong><hr></blockquote>You say that about 80% of your relationship is great. To me that puts you in great position. Have you talked about EN's? My #1 EN is sex. Due to being a WS early in my R/M my W felt that she wasn't good enough for me and quit trying. She lost intrest in me. I would like intamacy 4+ times a week. For the last 6 years I have lived on a "once a week if I needed it our not" diet. This led me to accept and dial a phone number from a woman other than my W. I realized while I was on the phone what I was doing to my family. I was not inteligent enough to rid myself of the number. My W found it and is now living with OM. I destroyed the trust she had and hurt her severly. I am hoping that we can work this out. If 80% of your relationship is great, find a way to fill this need for him. If this need had been filed for me I wouldn't be in this position. I also know that I made the decision and that if I had filled her needs better she would have been more intrested in filling mine. I am guessing that both of you need to look at each others EN's as you should be intrested in filling his most important needs for him (including sex) if he is filling your most important needs. (Barring any phisical or emotional problems that would interfear with a normal sex life)<p>I'm sory if I come off a little strong. I know how difficult it is to "white knuckel" your way through this particular issue. It may yet cost me my M.<p>I would suggest you read both HNHN and SAA, and concider the usefullness of plan A/Plan B. They may not do anything for you or you may see a way that they can be helpfull in your current situation.<p>I know it is difficult right now, but you can get through this and have a better M. There are many here who have been in your position and some who still are. We are all behind you in this efort. You will be in my prayers.<p>Thanks
Rev

Rev:<p>Thanks for your words. I really appreciate your cander. The problem is not my attraction to him, or my desire to be intimate...often. He states that he isn't attracted to me "that way" anymore. We are 27 years old. He says that he feels like he is making love to a good friend, not his lover. I have tried spontaneous, out of character acts, I have tried being assertive, aggressive, and meek. He is not attracted to me, but believes that he wants to be and that he can be. What is that? I don't want a manufactured relationship, I think if it's there, then it's there. You can't create it. Can you? I am willing to do ANYTHING to figure this out.

My H and I had simular problems, and he had an A it seems the "good girl" he married was the death of our marriage. so I am reading a book that has help me see the "bad girl" inside. it is called The GOOD GIRLS Guide To BAD GIRL SEX by Keesling, PH.D. I hope it can help, If your relationship is 80% good, I belive it is worth trying to save, but, You both have to want it!!!
Good luck I hope things get better, just remember it gets worst before it get better!!

Caretaker:
Thank you for your response. My husband and I spoke just this morning about what it is about "her" that he was attracted to. She is 180 degrees away from me and I think what you said is right. She is tough, sort of a ***** and never lets anyone walk over her. She says what she thinks and doesn't really care who she hurts. She looks out for herself first...always. Maybe I too need to find the bad girl in me. I have always done everything the right way. I married my high school sweetheart, who was my only real boyfriend....ever. I have more degrees than I know what to do with. Why do I always want to do it right? Maybe I need to shock the hell out of him and stray away from my own self-righteousness to see what I am really all about. Hmmmmm something to think about. Thanks.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by LearningToHeal:
<strong> Maybe I need to shock the hell out of him and stray away from my own self-righteousness to see what I am really all about. Hmmmmm something to think about. Thanks.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Nah, LTH, you don't need to "reinvent" yourself! YOU are the person your H loved enough to M. just the way you are, right? So, he'll come back to that eventually! DON"T try to be something you're not....it will not work.<p>Right now, he THINKS this attraction to someone "hard, or in your face" is fun. BUT when she turns that on HIM one day for something HE does to p*ss her off, he'll go running in the opposite direction!<p>I mean, in the bedroom with your H - well that's a different story! I think a lot of us could use a little shaking up!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] But as far as your every-day self? Nope. Don't change who you are for this situation. It WILL end. <p>My 02¢ only. Hang in there!