I found out my H was involved in an EA in October. Since that time, he has been up and down, back and forth as to what he wants. We started couples counseling in November, but therapist decided H needed some individual counseling to determine best course of action for working on marriage based on his issues. He tells me things that really hurt me and then the next day he apologizes and acts really loving and considerate to me. He says his feelings for OW are real and not an infatuation or addiction like the therapist says. He said he has feelings now (passionate feelings) that he needs and isn't sure if I could give him those feelings. He is supposed to stop all contact with her but told me just be prepared for him to be mean and angry. He says he may never get over those feelings for her and may not want to. Today he says he is just trying to be honest like I wanted him to be and that he really is going to work on the marriage counseling. We both have vacation time scheduled between Christmas and New Years. I am so worried that he will be withdrawn and angry the entire time because he won't be at work to see her. I am going to try to think of day trips for us to take to keep busy, though. <p>He has apologized to me many times for causing me this much pain and knows it is the most devastating thing I have ever been through. He says I am the sweetest person he knows and feels terrible for doing this to me. Even his family has been telling him to stop all contact and work on the marriage. They are actually concerned about him because he is just not acting like himself and is behaving irrationally. He just thinks people don't understand.<p>Will he be able to get over her? If we are able to save our marriage, will he forever mourn the loss of her and eventually resent me? The hardest part about all of this are those unanswered questions and uncertainty about what the future holds. <p>Hopefully we can get through the holidays without too much trouble.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

I agree. My WS has said the exact same things to me except that at this point in time, he is unwilling to reconcile. He is a Christian, has sworn up and down that he would never leave me or ever commit adultury and definitely never forsake his children - he has done all of those things - definitely in a fog. It is very painful for me to hear those things but I am learning to take what he says with a grain of salt. That's the way the addictive behaviors work. Hang in there and continue to focus on yourself - loving yourself and loving your children. This too shall pass.<p>God's blessings to you and your family, especially during this season.

Thank you for your responses. It certainly does help to hear from others who are going through the same thing. My WH says he will discontinue contact, as much as possible since they are co-workers, and work on counseling. The OW has been on vacation since Thursday and now my H and I will be off between Christmas and New Years. He is very depressed. Last night, he didn't come home from work at his usual time. I tried calling him on his cell phone and there was no answer. He called at 7 and said he decided to go with the guys from work. He apologized for not calling (which he has always done in the past) and understood if I was mad. I just told him I was mad that he couldn't have made a 2 minute call to let me know, but if he wanted to go out with the guys, that was his choice. When he came home he couldn't understand why I wasn't mad. I really was, but after speaking with his sister, she said I needed to think about me and not let his behavior bring me down also. Before he called to tell me where he was, his sister said when he comes home, just tell him I don't want to know where he was and walk away. He was up half the night not able to sleep and just layed around and took naps for most of today. I asked him if he was alright and he said he was just depressed about all this "stuff". I went out shopping by myself to keep from letting him bring me down. I even stopped by his parents grave and asked them to watch over him and help guide us through this. When I came home, I tried to be in a good mood and told him we should go out for dinner. He agreed and things seemed to have improved a bit for him. He is having a lot of fun playing with the kids. I think it's going to be a tough week, but I am going to try keep us busy. <p>Thanks again for all your kind words and support.

Hurtnafraid,<p>I don't want to scare you or anything, but it sounds like h isn't being completely truthful with you. Why didn't he answer his cell phone? and why didn't he call you back? If there is this sadness luming over your relationship right now regarding affair... sadness that he brought about, i would hope that he would console you and comfort you, let you know where he is, just make sure YOU are ok with him going out with the buddies, etc.. The reason i bring this up is because my h did the same thing. And if my h is anything like yours, i would suspect that my h was on the phone with her (long distance, whatever) after work and not really with the guys. That is just my suspicion and maybe i didn't handle all my situations as calm as you are handling them, but it is only because i KEPT catching him in lies, and soon i couldn't even trust a word he said.<p>If your h is sad and depressed, it could be a good thing... that he is letting ow go and maybe beginning the mourning process, withdrawal process, as they call it. <p>I think you are smart to be calm and not overreact for your sake. But if you intend to fight for your h, your marriage, your family, let him know that. Let him know that you are his support and will not give up. <p>My h kept seeing this ow behind my back, he got her pregnant... after that he rushed home scard and shocked...was sorry, etc etc, but the damage was done. He had just demolished my spirit, everything that i was, all the strength i had to fight with. God replenishes daily so i am still trying to follow God's ways and live in His will, but it is VERY HARD! <p>Protect what is yours, sweetie.. Pray for yourself, your h, your children. Even ask God to keep ow away from your h, far away.<p>Ask your h to attend church with you. God can pierce hearts in those who are willing to humble themselves before Him.<p>God Bless,
Julia

Thank you for your reply, Julia. Actually, I do believe my H has been keeping some things from me and I am trying to remain calm because I want him to see that no matter what, I still love him. He did act depressed and withdrawn on Saturday and Sunday and part of Christmas Eve. I know it has a bit to do with that fact that both his parents have passed away during the past several years and his family lives all over the U.S. He is used to everyone getting together over the holidays and even though it has been several years, it is still hard for him. By evening, though, his sister and her boyfriend stopped by which helped and then he called his brother. After he spoke with his brother I asked if he gave my H any advice. He said he did. I asked if it was good, and he said yes. He didn't elaborate but said it was basically what everyone else was telling him (stop contact with OW and work on our marriage). Whatever he said, must have helped because he has been so sweet and loving towards me. This morning I was a bit depressed and he asked me what was wrong. I told him I was so scared because if the marriage counseling doesn't go well, this may be our last Christmas together. He hugged me and said don't worry, it WILL go well. I hope that is a sign that he truly wants to make our marriage work. He is even talking about some work he wants to do in our house in the future. I am not placing all my hope on that one statement but hopefully it means we are moving in the right direction. Even though I have been terrified, I keep feeling like he really doesn't want to end our marriage, but is just simply very, very confused over his feelings. He has one more individual session with the therapist next week and then we start marriage counseling the following week. I'll keep praying and will never ever give up, no matter how hard it gets sometimes.