<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Men are not NEEDY you know. We are horney, lonely, isolated, mistreated, ... but NEEDY never. I have mentioned this to other people some think I am being sexist, but it seems to me us guys are trained to be independent and not NEED anyone. WRONG, we do, but it is hard to admit sometimes<hr></blockquote><p>How very true, I hate to admit it, But I will say it, I am in NEED of affection, and as ironic as that sounds, it is exactly why I am in the predicament I am in, I didn't GIVE enough affection.<p>It is not a sexist comment by any means, and if any man(or woman) views it as sexist, they are lying to themselves. <p>IMHO

Thanks Everyone.<p>I am still in a very bad place. I guess it is hard to start a new year. I appreciate all of the support. <p>Perdu

Hi Again<p>
I just wanted to thank everyone again. Thank you so much JustLearning as you are a real confidence booster. I do know and believe the principles etc. but it gets so difficult to believe when H goes into afunk.
Torizo I posted on your thread.<p>RustyZ I couldn't find your thread. But thanks so much Holidays are particularily difficult.<p>
I am doing alittle better. Some anger has replaced my depression. I have given up so much for my H over the years. I always let him do his research in another country for long periods of time. I encouraged him to not work while he was working on his PhD. That some how we could work things out even when we had very little money. He could go live in his fantasy world while I took care of everything in the real world. <p>The one that hurts the most is that I put off having children for so long. Now I can't ever have my own child. I went to a fertility specialist. In the middle of treatment,he told me of the affair. I didn't have the heart to continue. Now I am too old. I try not to be bitter but it is hard.<p>Now he wants time alone so he can think things through. I let him have so damn much time not being responsible.<p>Anger is better than depression. It forces me to move. I have started a health club and I baked bread for the first time in a year. I used to make my own bread weekly. I am not going to be beaten.<p>
Perdu<p>I also love him so much. I do see his pain his confusion etc.

Perdu, I am truly sorry to hear all these bad things, I feel for you. But It seems that through all of the bad, you have found "direction" and that is a good thing.<p>Try to keep a positive outlook, and take care of you.<p>You are in my thoughs and prayers.

Hello Again,<p>I almost finsihed reading His Needs, Her Needs. I learned alot. I love this site and these books<p>I realize that I was very worried about our finacial future while my H was in grad school. Because I was so worried I was not giving him the adnmiration and affection that he needed. This made the situation ripe for an Affair. <p>I know that my fears were very justified. But I wasn't making his fears or needs into account. I see now that I was just angry at him for not getting on with his life. (H started grad school in 1989 still not finished) But underneath it all I think that I was also angry at myself for being afraid to really talk to him about it and how it was affecting me and him.<p>I feel much better. I now have a starting place to work on [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . I am alittle afraid though. I worry it is too late. My H is a brilliant Man. his OW knows this and can show him without all the worries of student loans and real life. <p>
Perdu

LC,<p>13 years is a little long to be in grad school. Why this length of time? If it makes you feel any better, when I was in grad school, there was a student who had been there 19 years and he already had a MS when he got there.<p>The only student I have ever met that teacher retirement, which grad students had to pay, really made sense. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I truely hope that your H will indeed begin to see the light. I also believe that you really need to see a counselor about some of this. I don't know how strong your desire was/is to have children, but you need to address your current situation or the resentment will end the relationship if nothing else does.<p>I am glad that you are feeling somewhat better, but realize this is a long road and you are just starting. I'm glad that you found HNHN useful. This stuff is so simplistic, that it makes sense. However, don't be deceived. It my be simple but it is not EASY to apply.<p>Hang in there.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Hi JL,<p>In all fairness to my H it has taken so long for him to get his PhD for various reasons. He worked full-time and was a TA for 2 years. He had collected all his data and was on a roll for his dissertation when there was a very strong political conflict between two factions and My H was caught in the middle. He decided to change his topic. I agreed with this. The topic has been very heated for a number of years. My H had developed a mathmatical theroum to solve this debate. Everyone was very excited at first but quickly became very ugly as the stakes went up. Both factions were Known to blackball others who disagreed. Thats academia for you. His advisor advised a new topic. H has kinda lost his drive after that.<p>Thanks for reminding me that I need to be behind my H. He is a good man and has been through alot. I sometimes lose sight of that. I can get selfish and think only of my needs. <p>I am seeing a counselor. It has been going very well. <p>LC/Perdu

Hi Everyone,<p>I am doing alittle better. I just finished LoveBusters. I have really been trying to be open and honest with H. I think that the hadest part has been that I haven't been honest with myself. I havent taken the time to trya nd understand why I do or feel the thngs i do. I can't explain it to H if I don't understand it myself.<p>We went out to dinner last night. I told him How I was feeling that I was really trying to respect him and his wishes for me to leave. But that I felt that with all his traveling etc., that the two of us tried our hardest to make each other happy and ended up lieing to each other to "protect"the other. He really seemed to get that. I also told hin that I am just learning to understand my own behavior and feelings. I asked for him to be patient with me while I try to figurre all of this out. He respondedby saying that he sometimes forgets that I am hurting too. DUH! but it was meant in a very kind way so I took it as such. <p>he also informed me that OW has not written to him in 3 weeks. He is continuing to write to her. He is hoping that she just hasn't been checking her e-mail. I want to e-mail her so bad. My last e-mail to her contributed to this "break up". I let her know that we had just bought a housr together and that we had sex everynight(a bit of a lie, but how is she to know)<p>H was mad at me for a while but then he stated he was relieved. At least he found out she didn't have the gumption to stick in there. That's why i want toE-mail her to let her see pictures of H hugging and kissing me at x-mas with his family etc. Am I bitter? damn right. I just don't want to screw this up.<p>I am really starting to finally see this as an addiction. It really helps me to deal with it in a more detached way. I just hope H will see it soon. He hasn't wanted to read the books I put them out in plain view etc. I haven't asked him to read them in about 2 weeks. Do you think I should encourage him. Help!<p>
Perdu

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Perdu:
<strong>I am really starting to finally see this as an addiction. It really helps me to deal with it in a more detached way. I just hope H will see it soon. He hasn't wanted to read the books I put them out in plain view etc. I haven't asked him to read them in about 2 weeks. Do you think I should encourage him. Help!</strong><hr></blockquote>
Let it go, this is an LB. Worst if you are preceive as "controlling". When H sees your changes due to plan A, he will be curious. How do you know he is not reading it behind your back ?. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]