hi barrie and taj, if getting rid of the bed is what you need to do, then go for it. It is only a material posession, something that can be replaced. Your feelings cannot be replaced, but they can be mended. You can heal, just take the steps you feel that you need. We are all so very different that it is hard to say what would work for another, but experiment and see! <BR>I am not a bitter revengeful person, nor am I a saint! I could visualize my bed burning on the back lawn if it was contaminated!! Heck, I gave away thousands of dollars of posessions when I found she had used them on a vacation. I wanted to do it, I needed to do it, and now it is gone. It feels so good!!!!!!!!!! It feels light! For me it was right. I was cleansing for me. You can do this without it being a big LB too. <BR>Taj, why the resentment? It is gone, in the past. We have to look forward and search for the things that make us heal! Be glad you sold the stuff instead of burning it all!<BR>Some can forgive, look to other places to help them heal. They never feel the need to do anything drastic, which is wonderful. I applaud their courage.

Hi WS -<P>Good to see that name - I have missed you!!!!<P>What a great thread!!! <P>Had to comment on Peppermint's letter Idea......<P>Peppermint - thank you so much for sharing that.....what a fantastic idea!!<BR>It eliminates the having to say it and yet gets across your feelings!!!!<P>I am not in recovery - but if I were to ever get there by some miracle.....this would be an excellent tool to have!!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

thanks peppermint. Great ideas in the letter. Personally I think lots of us forget to do #5 and #6 parts while in recovery. It is so important to remember to share the positive as well as the negative. Pretty soon is becomes so natural to leave out the pain, and move forward.<BR>Did we lose ws?!

Sorry I seemed to have deserted you all!<BR>I'm so very glad that this thread helped some of you. I meant it as a message that it is safe to vent, to express your feelings, to admit that there is still pain. If you try to ignore that pain you can't make it go away.<P>Barrie<BR>Your doubts are normal. They do fade. Slowly. Sometimes too slowly for our liking. And sometimes they come back with a vengeance just when everything starts looking better. Part of the process. Don't worry about what anyone says. They haven't walked in your shoes.<BR>As far as going places that have triggers...I agree with cl. Don't push it too fast but you can take those places back. I now go regularily to the lounge of the hotel where the bimbo stayed. It is my place now. I know that she felt uncomfortable there. So did my H. The word he used was "scuzzy" when I asked him what it felt like to be in a hotel with another woman. I own that place. There are still places that i cannot reclaim. I found out just last week that I have to go to Bimboland for my son's hockey. That is the real scene of the crime and it's going to be a real challenge!!!<P>Simply J<BR>Your feelings are normal too. I can honestly say that the raw Hate for the OP can fade. I have hated the bimbo for years. The rawness is gone now. Still a lot of work left. Your spouse is remorseful? That makes the difference. If the bimbo had one ounce of remorse I would be able to see her as a human being. <P>Love was Blind<BR>Go with him. Tell him you don't want to be alone. They are a little dense sometimes!!!<BR>Try peppermint's idea. I'm going to.<P>Sally<BR>Tell us more. You are quite a lady to be able to forgive the OW. My H is afraid I would end up in jail if we were to meet face to face. Afraid that all 120lbs of me is going to cause too much damage.<P>cl<BR>My poster girl for strength!!!!! Keep talking! do you know that your strength is contagious. <BR>You see everyone - this is one of the people who can teach us a lot!<P>taj<BR>You will be my hero for the day! I don't know how long it takes to get rid of the contamination. I like your style though. I have had so many bonfires I'm not sure why the fire department hasn't called.<BR>My favorite thing was using the shirt the bimbo made for H to clean the cat's litter box. Tore it to little ieces so that I could make it last. one piece each day for weeks. picking up the doodoo and giving her my own private speech each time. Sometimes that kind of thing works wonders. Better than just getting rid of it.<P>Peppermint<BR>I love the letter. I will try it. Thank you for sharing. I'm going to see if I can find the book too. Is the rest of it as good?<P>Sheba<BR>For some reason I think that you recover as you go along. You are a very special kind of person. Some day your H will see that. I think maybe he already does but maybe doesn't think he deserves you.

To Wasstuborn and the rest<BR>Would you say that it was therapeutic to "take those places back?" I'm very big on empowerment decisions. Was it a big part of getting on with things?

Hey all! I thought I better jump on a recovery thread while I seem to be in it. I'm having a lot of trouble with the residue of the 6 separations--the second of which came Dec. 30 (but I WILL not note these hideous anniversaries!!!!! Starting immediately after this post of course ).<P>I just keep telling myself that everyday is a new day, it isn't last year, it isn't a future painful tomorrow, it is just today, and all I really can count on.<P>Barrie, my H has a horror of taking the places/events back. He wants to forget. He compares talking about the affair events to picking at a scab. I think the Principle of Joint Agreement applies here. Watch out for the infamous lovebuster Selfish Demands. I find it really hard not to demand things as I have been the one so hurt. I have to remember, we're both walking wounded.<P>Anyway, that's my 2 cents as someone who has had so many reconciliations with my H go wrong. There's a line to walk in each relationship...either I can't find ours, or he isn't walking with me.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Lor<BR>I always love your 2 cents worth. You have come so far. Do you realize that? <BR>sometimes all this crap turns into a muddle and you aren't sure which way you're going. I'm so glad you are plotting your own course forward. <P><BR>I think that "taking back" the places has to be a personal choice. You have to be ready to do it. for me it was very therapeutic.<BR>I have been to the lounge in that hotel countless times. When I first discovered they had been there, I cried every time I went past it. Now it belongs to me and she doesn't belong there!!!!<BR>Going there for a drink with my H was hard the first time. But I told myself that he could go there without shame. I tought how nice it must be for him to be there with his wife. I have gone there by myself and got rid of more ghosts.<BR>I have plans for my trip to Bimboville. I'm considering facing some things head on. Maybe make her aware of my courage and make her a little uncomfortable. Perhaps go to their bar and have the waiter take her a drink saying this is from the wife. I think I could enjoy that. But I know what kind of person she is and I can pretty much predict her reation. Not something I would do if I wasn't prepared. <BR>The nooner? If you think you can do it go for it. I've thought about it. I would ask H how he felt. Like Lor says the Policy of Joint agreement is important. Make sure it wouldn't make H uncomfortable. I think it would be too much for my H. Not too much for me.<BR>As the very wise Almost Happy says "Why would we want to make them think of that time?" Some things we have to deal with on our own.<BR>Maybe you could get rid of the ghosts by yourself? Rent the room for yourself, invite H but if it's too much for him, have a pamper yourself party? Munchies, a movie, a good night's sleep....<BR>Just some ideas.<p>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited December 13, 1999).]

I know I'm going to feel so much better when I'm there again. One more trip after that and then we wont' be apart any more. We've been living apart for work and school but I've decided enough is enough and I've resigned my position to go home. When I'm with him, I have so much hope and promise and there's all this laughter and love. When I've had to be away, then I have all my doubts and worries. He says he wishes he could come here, because the place where I've been living isn't "tainted", but we can't do that. But we are moving to a different apartment, so it will just be ours and she won't be able to find us. He wants to reclaim the places they visited together (she was originally just a "friend" who was showing him around an unfamiliar city) and make them ours. We tried to go to one place but then I got so nauseated he had to turn the car around. But like I said, I have high hopes. We've decided to leave town for the holidays and we're going some place where the two of us have never been before; I can't wait!!

POLICY of Joint Agreement. Duh. <P>I can't find my SAA book. I suppose I could have looked the correct term up on the site, Principle didn't sound right, but it does start with P. Silly me.

hi everybody.<BR>My h told me he never stopped loving me- even when he was trying to figure everything out. There have been times when I wondered how much of his actions were out of quilt, remorse, or selfishness. <P>My h would try to tell me all the good things he had been doing to stop the EA after the sexual contact was over...but that only made me feel like he wasn't dealing with his own issues that got him with the OW in the first place. It wasn't until I had the counselor approach the "Why's" that my h was able to realize it wasn't just me that was insecure and unhappy. <P>I had been trying to identify the "emotional needs" on my own (without Dr. Harley's questionaire) and found I was unable to classify all the things I had written down. When I did come across this questionaire-it really helped both of us put our past history into better light. <P>I know my h also felt that once he had "spilled the beans" I should have been ecstatic that he was truthful and start trusting him again. H was truely in a defense mode- protecting his own feelings from himself. At one point he made a few really negative statements about past good experiences we had had. I stood up to him- didn't cry or get hysterical and it let him know how strong I really am. <P>But, it did make me feel like we might not make it- due to his immaturity. I just keep telling myself- I do understand where he is coming from- I did get married for better or worse and I do love him. (I also was one of those people who told myself I'd never put up with a cheating spouse. It did make me question myself at that point) And, I truely believe that marriage is work and I don't mind learning a few lessons along the way.<P>Now, I still do get mad and resentful at times. That's why I'm here...to lesson my pain in some way. Hoping that day will come when I don't wake up in the morning with that awful feeling......<P>Thank God I'm not PMSing- or I'd be terrible every 3 weeks. There are really good herbs out there for PMS- try them- they work!<P>

Didn't read down far enough to see the making their old stomping grounds- rounds. I did some of that on my own. My h also took me to see some places with him. It was good for both of us. I just wish the OW knew he was doing that. I think it'd help her withdrawal phase.<P>I've done all I can to restrain myself from calling her and letting her know. What she thought was special to them- wasn't to my husband and now are our special things/places and conversations. <P>I would get rid of the bed, couch, carpeting and what ever else... The only thing is...it's hard to listen to the radio now.

Sad2<BR>That day will come. You're doing the right things and your attitude is great. Just don't expect too much of yourself. Take care of yourself.

Sad2: I just read your profile. I found out about a month ago and she was also a very temporary thing for him. He never told her he loved her either--she admitted that to me. Didn't stop her from trying to hang on to him, though. Now she says she's pg, but we don't really believe her. Ups and downs. give it time. I'm still iffy on the "stomping grounds" thing, but everyone here has really empowered me to give it a shot!! That was MY town anyway, to begin with--I was born there. Why should I let her have any power over me? The answer is, I WON'T!!

Barrie<BR>If it's only been a month for you don't expect too much of yourself. Remember to be kind to you. If you have the strength and want to do it go for it. If you find you can't don't be ashamed. There are things that you need to be ready for. Take care of yourself first. All things come with time.

The letter was incredibly helpful to me, and I believe it is worth a try for anyone in this type of situation. If anyone tries it, please let me know if it helped your situation. If it does, let's spread the word!

Peppermint - Like you, my H and I are in recovery from his affair. I'm the one suffering though. Like your H, my H wants me to "just get over it" and not mention it to him again. It eats at me all the time because I don't feel like anything is settled. My husband also apologized for hurting me and admitted that what he did was wrong, but has never asked me to to forgive him (I have) nor does he show any remorse. <P>I wrote my husband a similar letter about 2 weeks ago and gave it to him (see my post "I gave my husband this letter" for details). The reason I gave him the letter was because I couldn't find an appropriate time to talk to him about my feelings. He did not react to the letter. When I asked him if he read it he said he did and "that was nice honey". That's all. But, he does have it on the dash of his truck so at least he sees it everyday as a reminder to him of my feelings. He has never been able to talk about his inner feelings so I doubt that I will ever know what he feels about what he did to me. I totally agree with your statment that "the pain of being betrayed by the person that you love most in the world cannot be described". I cannot put into words the agony and suffering his affair has caused me. It's with me every day. The worst part is that I can't talk to him about it, and my best friend is sick of hearing about how its made me feel. All I can do is pray that the Lord will heal my pain.

Thanks, everyone! I told H last night that I wanted to go some of the places where they spent time together (we tried once but I got so nauseated that he had to turn the car around). He was ecstatic and very excited. I just told him, I've been giving OW too much power over me--she doesn't deserve it! Of course, she's still hangin' in there (see my thread on "stalking/fatal attraction")

To Everyone in recovery,<P>Just wanted some ideas on claiming the territory back, especially today. This is the anniversary of the death of my 30 year marriage and the beginning of truth and reality. It is a reminder every 14th of the month but especially today. Give me some ideas how to exorcise the evil out of this day. Sounds funny I suppose but the devil always reminds me of the bad things. We are in recovery and for that I am thankful but I want to take back the ground of this day!!!<P>Ideas anyone?<P>------------------<BR>love is blind<P>

PAMPER YOURSELF. Is there anything you always wanted to do but didn't because it would inconvenience him or he'd rather you didn't? Call a good friend who's really upbeat (sometimes even our closest friends can be downers) and positive and spend the evening with her/him. See a movie with her, something really positive or funny, or go to an outrageously expensive restaurant and have your favorite meal. Just my advice. I'm a southern gal, and we tend to spend money when we need to feel better

I need some help! I posted under a different thread (stalking/fatal attraction) The OW is displaying stalking behavior. My H is in a panic; has this ever happened to any of you? What do you do? How do you make it stop? The law say we can't do anything unless she threatens us physically; right now she's just harassing us. Am I in danger? Is he?