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Hey Bryan,<p>Just read through your thread, and want to say that you've come a long way since that first "12 days now" post. I see a lot of focus and commitment to work on yourself, your Plan A. A lot of (misguided) guys would have been pushing for her to be the one that changes now - that doesn't work. It's a big person that takes responsibility for their part in the failure of their marriage, and to work on themselves, while at the same time enduring the adversity of a spouse who's questionably ended the affair.<p>Hang in there guy, you are doing great. I suspect your counseling with Jennifer. I've been with her for quite some time, and really have a lot of faith in the MB methods. Sometimes it seems like a very long road to recovery, but I am sure it will be worth it, for you and I both.<p>P
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Bryan,<p>Did you verify (snoop) that she is still in contact w/ OM ?. If she does then you should stop asking her about no contact letter, it is an LB. Don't confront her otherwise you might push her away, let her play double life. Act dumb, and continue your plan A until A really out of the way otherwise it will frustrate you more.<p>Nite nite [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
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Bryan,<p>On more thing I just thought of. D-day was December 3, which on that day my wife confessed to me that she was having an affair. Several days later, we set aside time for her to come clean about everything. I had a few questions, but mostly I listened. Probably two things I did right in that were listening and understanding what needs of hers the OM met. I thought if my Plan A were to be successful, I would need to meet those needs. I asked her what needs of hers he met really well, how he met them, and then listened. No saying "hey, I did that, then why did you go to him", or ANYTHING like that. Realize that any confession or insight she gives you into her affair is truly a gift, a gift of honesty. And that brings up probably the second thing I did right that night, which was to not blame or LB, but to thank her for being open and honest. Yes, it is really hard not to LB when your wife tells you she is really in love with the OM. But realize you have to offer her protection (remember, Rule of Protection, no love busting), before she will be honest. And if you do not protect her, even in these instances, you will never get honesty, and likely your marriage and recovery will never be successful.<p>As your wife has these moments of talk and disclosure you indicated, listen to her. Carefully ask questions that might let you more fully understand what needs OM meets, if she agreeable to talk a bit more. If not, just listen. And most of all, protect. Most of the WS's I've met on this board, most of which have been on both sides of the fence (WS and BS), place much more importance on protection (i.e., no love busting) than needs (i.e., you meeting their Emotional Needs). Foremost, protect her Bryan.<p>Now I'm going to try to get some sleep. I may check back with you sometimes, or if you want to talk, ring me up on my monster post on JFO. It really has gotten a bit out of hand, but the post now centers around four or so of us each helping each other. Anyway, if you want some feedback, drop me a line on my JFO thread.
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Hello everyone, Yes I know I have been gone for a while. I have been waiting on our cable co. to install my new modem and high spped internet. But I'm back. Still confused as ever. I found a new counsler this week. I am seeing her for my anger problem. <p>Things are really kinda quiet here. We are not really talking about anything. She refuses to give me the time of day. Nothing on the affairs any more. I am just wanting to talk about us. Really trying to concintrate on the book surviving an affair (the forms in the back). Any advise on sparking som intrest on her part? I hope someone responds tonight as I have nothing better to do seeing as my wife went out again.<p>Bryan<p> O'ya REDHAT, it seems as though we had alot in common this week. I talked to two of the OM this week myself. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]
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Bryan, What are your take on OM ?. Is your W still seeing OM ?.
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REDHAT,<p> My take on OM was this, I have had alot of questions that I needed to ask them. I felt that if I did not ask I was not going to get ovr this.<p>Question #1 was, What I ever did to them to derserve the betrayal that the did to me.<p>Question #2 was, Even after my wife confessed everything to me and told them that she did they continued to lie to me and deny that any thing ever happened. So my point was this" they had there way with her and then basicly said every man for himself" they let her take all the heat with no consideration for her. This makes me real mad for the fact that I was raised to be a man and accept responsibilty for your actions.<p>The first OM was and seemed to be very sorry and that he under no circumstances would have any contact with her ever again. He is the one that the actual affair was with.<p>The other was my best man. Only happened two times. But he was really a jerk about the whole thing. He is the one that I went to his wife and told her. So there is alot of reprocutions there for him. He is mad that my wufe busted him.<p>write me back Bryan
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Bryan, I agree with you, we need to talk to OM to have closure. They could be a lost soul too or they could be a totally jerk ... in any case you get the answer back. I felt sorry for both my W and OM actually, they are both are still in their selfishness and could not get out of it. Eventhough I am the victim in here, I am feeling much better then both of them. I am in acceptance mode and ready to move on. I beleive this A is a 2x4 from God and I am now in training. If He wants to restore my W, I think I still could give her my best. I am very focus/goal oriented, I could recover. However I am watching the impact on my 2 D, the moment I see some behavioral troubles I will file Dv and plan C.<p>You have not answer my question about where does your W went tonight. Mine have to stay home since we have only one car but going online @MB is a LB for her. I will try to keep it minimal.
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REDHAT, <p>Ya don't get anything negative started with your W, if she is there you should try and spend some time withe her. <p>As for my wife, she went over to her friends house for a while. I know she at least started off by going there because she called me from there. If she stays there I dont know. But I really do believe the A is over. So I am not real concerned that any funny business is going on. But you know as well as i do that I could be wrong. Hope not.<p>Go be with your wife! Bryan
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Thanks, Bryan. I will call off the day and go home, she is not home yet bringing my 2 D to salon. I try not to be negative about her but she rejects me in all avenues.
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REDHAT, <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I try not to be negative about her but she rejects me in all avenues. <hr></blockquote><p>I of all people know about this. It seems as though nothing I do is good enough or even matters for that fact. It is so hard but I am really trying to hang in there. I went to the doctor this week and he perscribed me a anti-depressant. YUCK, never thought that I would ever resort to taking any meds like this but ya gotta do what ya gotta do huh?<p>Try and have a good night RED [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]
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HARD2WAKEUP,<p>I am in CA, so the night is still young, don't count me out. I just back from work and my family is gone. Usualy I bring my 2 D to "Friday's pick a restaurant night", since WW doesn't have cell ... she does one thing that I hate the most ... no communications, does as she pleases. I am going to see late night movie tonight, Colateral Damage. I find my own happiness.<p>I do not want to get med and I think I could handle it now. I need it later for the worst.<p>Bryan, do you counsel w/ MB ?. What does Steve or Jennifer tell you to do ?.
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REDHAT, No I do not councel with MB, although I have talked to Jennifer. The only reason I don't is the money issue. My insurance from work covers our counseling. It is real hard to find someone around here that knows anything of MB. The closest counsler is about 3 1/2 hours away.<p>I really wish there was someone closer. <p>By the way, I have looked for the questions to ask a counsler here and cant seem to find them. I know I saw them somewhere. can ya help?<p>Bryan
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Bryan,<p>Here is How to find a good marriage conselor. I could understand the $ issues, many of us does. However, you might want to call the talk show or send an email to Harley Sr. What I found out is that the good conselor are chaplin of public services. I met one that is local police chaplin and the other is fbi's chaplin. Both know their stuff well and has similiar advice like MB. They told me that A will die and just hang in there. I guess they are very experince since Dv & A are rampant in a very high strees job. I am lucky since both of them are pastor in the church too. I do not need to be in public service. I walk into the church and talk to them.<p>Another trick you could do is learn as much as you can and prepared well yourself w/ questions and notes. At $120/hr (if you still have the old rate), there are a lot of questions you could ask in 60 minutes.<p>Questions for you ... when is the last time you talk about R w/ W ?. What is her latest complaints ?. From time to time you have to fine tune your plan A and LB lists. How receptive is her freinds to answer your questions ?. Have you ever explain what you are trying to do to her freinds ?, I mean "changes" ?.
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REDHAT, <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Questions for you ... when is the last time you talk about R w/ W ?. What is her latest complaints ?. From time to time you have to fine tune your plan A and LB lists. <hr></blockquote><p>Well I will asume that "R" means relationship. I try to talk to W almost at any opertunity that presents itself. Although, until today that has been almost pointless. But something very strange happened last night. I had mentioned to you last night that my W went out again. A little more than three weeks ago my W told me she was done drinking. I, to be honest with you did not believe her. But she is prooving me wrong. She got home at about 1:45 am. And to my surprise she had not even had one drink. And the biggest surprise was she said to me "I really missed you." And she also said " I love you". We talked for a while and went to sleep. Well, this morning we just held each other and talked. She cried a little and told me she has closure and that she was HOME!!! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] She even said she was ready for counseling and basiclly what ever it was going to take to repair things here. <p>I am very happy, But I am going to be cautious still as to not try to push her to much. We went bowling with the kids again tonight. <p>She even said she would write the letter of no contact to OM.<p>I just hope this isnt a ploy to try and throw me off track and for me to let my guard down. <p>As far as her friends go, I am not comfortable talking to them because they all knew of the A's. And really have tried to get her to leave me. See, all of her friends are single and want another party friend. So I am not to sure if any of them would care of the efforts I am making to save our Marriage and family. And my biggest adversary is the In-Laws. They have never liked me and dont want us toether. But all of that does not matter to me. As of right now the only thing on my mind is my wife and kids. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
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HARD2WAKEUP, I am glad some ray of light poke through the fog. Take it one day at the time and be there for her, just help her out, she will need time to adjust and recover. This is the right time to let her to read SAA. Try to seek MB conseling if you could afford it.<p>About In-Law, why ?. Is it b/c W is not happy in M ?.
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REDHAT, <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> About In-Law, why ?. Is it b/c W is not happy in M ?.<p><hr></blockquote><p>I dont think so. They have never liked me or any of there other SIL or DIL.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> So today, Christmas Day I am home all alone. WS family knows about all of this. I refuse to go and take part in a what is saposed to be a HAPPY DAY with them. MIL & FIL have always condoned behavior that suits there situation at the time no matter if its right or wrong. I always joke and say they go by the law, if it is us its ok. But if the tables were turned it would be " what kind of person would do that to someone" Inlaws both have had multiple affairs, SIL has had two affairs. Just to put it in a nut shell they are an extreemly disfunctional family. So this is compounding my problem even more.<p> <hr></blockquote><p>That was a post from me in the very begining. They are a very liberal bunch. CLINTON (BILL) Fans, if ya know the type. <p>As I said I really don't care what they think of me, never have and never will. Don't get me wrong though I don't LB my wife about them. I try and not make it hard on her to see them or do anything with them. They still are her parents and I have to respect that. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]
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HARD2WAKEUP,<p>It is a lost case, I agree w/ you. Just concentrate on W. What is the progress w/ W ?. Is her fog lifted up for good ?. Just be there for her, specially if the R is not a soulmate then it is easier to repairs. However help her out in her withdrawal, there will be moments she needs you.<p>Is she home tonight ?.
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Redhat, <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> What is the progress w/ W ?. Is her fog lifted up for good ?. <hr></blockquote> I think that might be the million dollar question. Your guess is as good as mine. After reading these posts here on MB things could change as fast as Michigans weather. (i know your from cali so you may not get that one) lol. I sure hope the fog has lifted for good. It would be a miracle. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Just be there for her, specially if the R is not a soulmate then it is easier to repairs. <hr></blockquote><p>I really don't believe the R was more than sex. There wasn't enough time alone to build anything more. I Hope that it wasn't a soulmate issue, maybe it was. never really thought about it in that persoective. I dont think I should ask though. Things are really looking up. <p>I went to counseling again today with my new counsler. I really like her. Although we are not starting to much about the A, we are going back- way back. I guess I have alot of issues at hand. I guess we are trying to get a handle on the anger problems first. Doing the solo thing for now. <p>Well, I have work to do here in my office. Its about 11:00 pm here in MI, but I will be up at least till 1:00 am and my PC is on. Hope to hear from ya<p> [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]
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HARD2WAKEUP,<p>Let her bring A up when she is ready, take what you could have for now. I am really happy thing is looking up for you. That is plan A all about, making you more attractive mate [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] by working on anger management.<p>I know how lake shore weather could be I used to go to school at the shore of lake erie @ Torizo's neighboorhood. Cleveland, OH.
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Redhat, R U up tonight? Need someone to talk to!<p>Bryan [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]
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