Less than 48 hours ago, I found out that my husband of 14 years is having an affair. It has been going on for 6 months and I was to blind to see what was happening. He has been seeing a therapist for 4 months now and was told he has the "empty love" syndrome. He says he now loves me like a sister instead of a wife. When he ask for a trial separation, I immediately said no. However, that has happen anyway by him leaving the house. When I question him about what happened, he says he is so confused and doesn't understand why he could love her so much and do this to me. He says he still loves me. However, she is now his soulmate and he is in passionate love with her. He has moved out as much as I will let him. We have two kids, 4 and 6. He is pushing to tell out kids. What should I do? I want to fight for my marriage, but I don't know how to fight for it with another (younger) women on the scene. Things haven't been good at home for several months. I have just had major back surgery in Nov. and still recovering. However, it has been almost 2 years of pain whenever I moved. I am trying to be nice and not lay guilt. Any suggestions?

Hi Schurt,<p>I am new to this site too. But I have done alot of reading since I found out about my H's affair. All I can suggest is read, read, read.
The principles of this site seem very sound. <p>Good Luck<p>Perdu

Welcome to MB.<p>You both are on a very long, difficult rollercoaster and have found a good place to learn, discuss your feelings and sometimes, just vent!<p>Read all you can at this site...the Basic concepts, the Q & A section...also check out this forum for the Beginner's Welcome...Acronym and Smileys...etc. If you can, get the Harley's books, especially Surviving An Affair , His Needs/Her Needs , and LoveBusters .<p>Finally, you may want to post in General Questions II, as it gets the most 'traffic.' If you don't receive many replies...keep ^^^bumping^^^ up your post...eventually more people will reply [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Hugzz and Good Luck.<p>Cali

Hi,
Welcome to MB. Your H is having an emotional A and probably a physical one. His emotions are running wild and you probably don't even recognize some of his characteristics. <p>Some even liken it to them being an alien. <p>Read the info in the basic concepts section. Get your hands on the surviving an affair and his needs/her needs. Another good book is love must be tough, this one is by Dr James Dobson. It is good if you need to consider plan B. <p>These tools will help you learn how to handle the A and deal with your H. It is very different than the normal logical methods we are familar with. Like learning a new language or even alien one. Words and actions may not match. Calculators in their brain may not work. Be aware and prepared. It will lessen the impact and reduce the physical and mental toll that could hurt you. <p>Keep posting. <p>Take Care,
L.

Thanks for the help on finding my way around the website. I have spent 3 busy days reading, reading,and reading. I am going to start Plan A. H called for the first time in 3 days.My 2 DS were very glad to hear from him. H has not told them yet that he has moved out to be with OW. That comes tomorrow. H plans on coming early. Need Advice on how to handle H when talking about 2DS & visitation. Read several things that H should only see 2DS outside of home that really doesn't fit with my Plan A. What do you think? H did say he was open to talk about us. Do you think now is the time to approach H about counseling? 3 days has turned into a lifetime.

Schurt,<p>I put out an SOS to get you some help from the GQII thread. K? Not many posters on a weekend especially a holiday one but we'll round up the troops. I know you are anxious since he will be coming tomorrow. <p>Hang on for a few while. .... <p>L.

Thanks for your help.

Schurt - <p>It's a rocky road ahead - but I want to tell you that there is strength in just taking care of yourself and moving ahead one step at a time. It's imparative that you come to grips with reality and allow yourself to greive. But, don't get stuck in that mode - make choices for yourself and your children, and one step at a time move forward.<p>You can do this! The strength is there - just pull it up and use it.<p>I'll be back to check on you later. Don't give up and don't give in... You can get through this -no matter what the future holds!!!<p>Hugs,<p>Jan

Thanks for your words of support. I cried over them. I have to find strength somewhere and all of you are helping.

Schurt,<p>I know that this is a rough time for you right now. I want to stress that your H moving out and coming over to tell the kids, Does not signify the end of your M. My W is living with OM right now. I just got off the phone with her there in fact. This is going to be an ugly ride for a while, but you will get through. You are learning what it takes to make you M work right now by reading all you can. Remember, once exposed an A usualy only lasts about 6 months. (Acording to the books) You are also gaining a tremendus advantage over OW. If you can meet H's ENs better long run, he'll be back. Think she knows or even cares about ENs. That's why most As don't last.<p>Do what you have to do to get through the rough parts. Take care of yourself. Enjoy the good times, They will be few and far between, but this road leads to a rewarding end.<p>My prayers ar with you.
Thanks
Rev

Father, I pray in Jesus name for this woman, I pray you would be with her and give her the wisdom and the strength in this trying and difficult time in her life. I ask that You would open the eyes of her H so that he would see the pain that he is causing You, his wife and his Ds. Schurt needs the words to say to her husband, Father this is such a trying time for her, strengthen her in heart, in mind, and in her body, she needs you Lord. And give to the kids the resiliance to make it through this very confusing time in there life. There are no answers for what this man is doing to those who love him the most, those that have counted on him to be Dad and spouse, come into this home and let Your peace reside there. In the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.<p>I don't understand, Schurt, why people get so sidetracked by feelings and selfishness and really you can't figure it out. Do not take this personally, your H has failed to protect his own weaknesses and now has fallen. You may have had a part in the condition of the m pre-A, but your H is at fault for breaking his vows to you, there is no excuse for that. Continue to get all the info you can and be the best person and Mother you can be right now, I know, it is so hard with all the thoughts and emotions rushing through you. Keep posting, ask us the ?s, we can offer advice, if you need to vent, vent to us, we understand where you are coming from. Stay as calm as you can around you Ds and your H.<p>I am so sorry yo are going through this. So many of us here know what you are feeling. Look often for success stories, they will give you hope.<p>I feel if you can get your H into C, now is the time. He probably won't set the appt., so you do it for him if he doesn't.

Prayers for you,
knight

Schurt,<p>Let your H do the talking to your children. At the end reinforce your love to your children. They can feel abandoned at this time. My son was when his dad told him. <p>But children are resilient, they bounce back. 3 months after H moved out, my son was asking me to go and find him a new dad. Can you believe it? <p>So don't shoulder that responsibility. Be there for your children. Expect some tears and anger. Keep hugging them and give them your love. Let them know that you are not leaving them. <p>Then when they want to talk, let them. I spoke to our son's teachers and day care providers. I let family members know so that when my son spoke someone would listen and not shrug him off. <p>It paid off, our son did survive it and if we divorce, our son will still survive. The reassurance your children needs is similar to your needs. Reassurance for me is an important need. <p>Let us know how it goes. <p>Hugz,
L.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SCHURT:
<strong> Less than 48 hours ago, I found out that my husband of 14 years is having an affair. It has been going on for 6 months and I was to blind to see what was happening. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Don't feel alone there- you definitely aren't- the important thing is now you do know what you are fighting, and can take the right steps, I agree with the others, you came to the right place. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SCHURT:
<strong>He has been seeing a therapist for 4 months now and was told he has the "empty love" syndrome. He says he now loves me like a sister instead of a wife. </strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] You know just like with any other profession there are good counselors and bad, it sounds like his is definitely not what I would call good. Empty love syndrome huh? Yea, ok... What's worse is your H is finding all kinds of justification for what he's doing in that.<p>Those lovin feelings naturally go through periods of ups and downs over the years, loving feelings fading is not only natural but completely repairable, labeling it a syndrome sounds like it is not natural and somehow wrong.. I think this is dangerous myself. I would keep in mind he is most likely not going to like you directly assaulting these ideas though, they are part of his justification I'm sure, and likely to ruffle his defense feathers if attacked directly, you are going to have to find more subltle ways to challenge these ideas. <p>I would really recommend in your case calling Dr. Harley and setting up a time for a joint session and let him challenge these ideas, a third party like Dr Harley I think really would work best if your H will agree to give it a chance. You really need to get a competent counselor that is interested in saving your marriage involved to get him thinking a little differently. It will be far cheaper than a divorce.<p>Also, have you ever watched Dr. Phil on Oprah? If you have or haven't I would also recommend taking a look at this free relationship rescue online seminar he offers on her site http://www.oprah.com/phil/rescue/phil_rescue_main.jhtml he has some really sound ideas and advice too that match equally well with what this site offers.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SCHURT:
<strong>When he ask for a trial separation, I immediately said no. However, that has happen anyway by him leaving the house. When I question him about what happened, he says he is so confused and doesn't understand why he could love her so much and do this to me. He says he still loves me. However, she is now his soulmate and he is in passionate love with her. He has moved out as much as I will let him. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>That hurts... but keep in mind he doesn't correctly understand and is deeply infected with moose brain worms. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] (do a search on moose brain worms to learn more, lol) Don't take what he says to heart right now hard as it is, there could just very possibly be a day when he will look back at this and say you know I don't know what I was thinking, it happens all the time and he is far from the first to say these things, WS's seem to follow a set of similar scripts. Try to focus on your Plan a and let statements like this go in the "fogese" category in your brain.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SCHURT:
<strong>We have two kids, 4 and 6. He is pushing to tell our kids. What should I do? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>In my case I actually pushed for him to tell them, it's quite a reality check to see the pain in your children's eyes and to see they don't see your justifications at all like you do. If he wants to tell them I think it would be good, my opinion. I would definitely let him do this.<p>I still say best advice is call the Harley's, they are experts and will set you up with a good game plan which in your situation and timing could be very helpful.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by SCHURT:
<strong>I want to fight for my marriage, but I don't know how to fight for it with another (younger) women on the scene. Things haven't been good at home for several months. I have just had major back surgery in Nov. and still recovering. However, it has been almost 2 years of pain whenever I moved. I am trying to be nice and not lay guilt. Any suggestions? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Fight! Younger or no, remember you have the upper hand and the odds in your favor! The back injury thing I completely relate to, that was alot of what led to our situation too. There is absolutely nothing you can do about that obviously, and none of this is fair at all, an it is not your fault, remember that. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Make that call, really I think you need Dr Harley's advice and input.<p>[ December 30, 2001: Message edited by: ScaredInNY ]</p>

Hello SCHURT,<p>I am sorry that you are having to deal with this emotional pain while you are still recouperating from major surgery. Who is helping you with the children? <p>One thing to be aware of. In your H's present mindset, if he is pressed to make a decision, most likely will not make a decision in your favor. He is still too infatuated with OW, and not willing to break off with her even if he knows he should do so. Don't push him too hard.
You cannot force him to change. He must make the changes with his own free will. <p>You asked about letting your husband see your girls. They need to know that he has not abandoned them, so it is important that they see him often. What better place is there than in their own home? Part of Plan A is to create an safe emotional environment at home so that the WS feels safe to return home when he realizes that his family is what he really wants. <p>I wonder if the girls can possibly understand what they are about to be told. Maybe tell them that Daddy has decided to live somewhere else, but that he will be back to see them everyday. Do not let him tell them that Mommy AND Daddy decided that he live somewhere else. Make sure that no responsibility for his moving out is deflected onto you. I am a big proponent of people taking responsibility for their actions, and this is HIS choice. Make sure he knows that. The two of you sould over what he will say before he talks to the girls. Be ready to interrupt to give them the straight story if necessary.<p>There is something else to consider. What are you going to do when WH wants to take the girls to his/OW's house? I suggest that you contact a family law attorney to protect yourself and your daughters.<p>BTW, is the OW married?<p>We will be anxious to hear how the meeting goes. Your H has made such a serious mistake. I am sorry you and your little girls have to suffer because of it. But you will get through this, and people here will help you.<p>Take care,
Estes

I'm so sorry that you're here.....<p>Yes, read,read,read and post away !!! Many here will help you.<p>There is also www.divorcebusting.com
go to that site too and read and post. This is the time to gather support.<p>Blessings,
s

I'm coming out of the woodwork tonight...<p>...it's been a long time for this veteran of the boards... ...family/personal problems have kept me away.<p>I'll give you my 2 cents...<p>Stand your ground in faith...
DO talk to the your children...
...tell them (age appropriate) the truth... it will be the only thing that will free you today. tomorrow and for the days to come.<p>Guilt is not yours to lay on your H...
...it is his to accept... if he knows the truth.<p>Your children... (not now... but in time to come)... will appreciate your honesty.<p>Do fight for your marriage...
Let your kids know it!... It is an absolute "right" and "truth".
Plan A!!!!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR

SCHURT..
Praying for you. Right now you are hurting, feel shock, pain, things you think no one else can feel nor understand but the good people of this board do, they too have been in many situations that caused the same feelings. I am new here but have found so much support. I feel like an angel guided me here and I have really learned alot here and continue to visit daily for support. I want to say so many things to you but I feel too new here to do so...but I can say this. You came to the right place. The people here are great. You will get support, honest answers and the biggest thing, you will see you are not alone. You have friends..here...We are all here for you. Please visit often and please keep us posted. I care..I will pray for you and Welcome....
*T*
Married 8 years in March 2002
No kids. One fat cat
We are working it out
I was the one that caused the pain...
Year of CHANGE for me!

Thank you all for the words of wisdom. Rev and knight?mare please keep praying for me. I am a firm believer in prayer and I know that he (God) will not put anymore on me than I can bear. Orchid and Estes49 thank you for the words of wisdom about my kids. I know that he is probably going to say something about mom & dad have problems. Well, I am not the one with the problem. ScaredInNy, thanks for agreeing with me that "empty love" sounded alittle strange. I will try not to take to much to heart. Thank you for the additional website. Scoick, thank you for the website also. I gives me something to do in the wee-hours of the morning. You know there is a country song out there that say "Lets talk about me, Let's talk about I." Maybe tomorrow I can get him to talk about him and what is going on in his brain. Plan A can begin there.

BTW, Estes49, OW is not married. I am sure apt is always clean and fresh and beautiful. Not sure what will happen if two kids hit it with all their toys and their curiosity. Boy, I wish my house was like that no more dirty underwear, socks, clothes stuffed in drawers. No more fish,cats or dogs. But, it wouldn't be home.

Schurt,<p>My H also had an A with a younger, unmarried woman; her apt was hip, she knew all the trendy places to hang out, and she spends her disposable income on her wardrobe. Quite different from a house decorated with toys, eating at family eateries, and a W with an 'after two babies body' and staying fashionable not being anywhere on the top 100 priorities in her life.<p>I found out about 16 months ago, when our children were 4 and 1.5 years old. H told me he wanted to move out, to 'sort things out'; I pressed for him to stay in the M and work through the problems. While he did stay in our home, it was in body only. He resumed the A within days of ending it after d-day. When he ended it after d-day #2, he resented me greatly and felt absolutely no guilt for having broken his vows and betrayed my trust. Even though the A did end that time, there was continued contact for 10 months and further lies and deception as a result.<p>At 16 months, we are much, much better. But there were some very rough patches, including a three month separation. And I expect that there will be rough times still to come. That is the nature of recovery from infidelity.<p>I am so sorry about your situation. As someone faced with similar circumstances, I think I can understand much of what you must be feeling and thinking, the pain, fear and frustration that are within you, and the sadness that you are experiencing.<p>Take heart, as you are not alone. Ms can and do recover from infidelity, even in the face of a separation, even where the WS has a full blown, passionate relationship with the OP, even when the WS lives with the OP for some length of time.<p>In addition to reading the materials that others have suggested, I would recommend the following:<p>1. After the Affair, by Janis Abrahms Spring;<p>2. Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder; and<p>3. searching the old threads for the stories of Lotsva (the Queen of plan A, even while her H was living with OW and refusing to have anything to do with her), Lor (whose M went through 7 separations); each of these BSs, and many more, have recovered their Ms with their WSs, in seemingly hopeless situations.<p>As for telling the children, I agree that your H should tell them, but I think he should tell you what he intends to say first, as you should not be blind-sided in case he intends to say anything that you disagree with. Please make sure to repeat, again and again, to the children that your separation has nothing to do with anything they have done or not done, that it is a grown up thing between the two of you, that you both love them and will continue to be there for them, and tell your children often that you will always be with them.<p>In terms of discussing visitation with H, try to be accomodating (plan A, of course) but keep in mind what is best for your Ds first and foremost. I think that the BS' plan A conduct has to be balanced with the interests of the children, much as that balance is difficult to strike. Try to agree on visitation that fits best with your Ds schedules, so that their lives stay as normal as possible during this difficult time. If your Ds are like my 5 year old, knowing what to expect is very important. So, have your H agree to a schedule that everyone can follow and your Ds can count on. If you are inclined to go into plan A mode, then you might consider some 'all together' time for some of the visits.<p>Schurt, my heart goes out to you. Please come back here often, ask questions (In Recovery is a good forum to get advice from veterans whose Ms are recovered or recovering), read lots of threads, and get the support you need. Also, please take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Do not let yourself get worn down or depressed without seeking professional help. You and your children need you to stay healthy.<p>Hugs to you,<p>[ December 31, 2001: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>