About four months ago I noticed that my wife was sharing with me much less about everything in our relationship, especially emotions,feelings. I became suspicious about what might be going on. As my wife spends countless hours playing hearts on the internet while I work 12 and 14 hour days.
I also noted that she was paying less and less attention to our children.
I thought she might just be depressed until one night I saw here typing some very sexual responses in the card room to a male player. When I confronted her about it she tried to play it off, like it was a one time flirtation.
In the month that followed I saw her lead many men on with her lewd typing. At this point I decided to see what was going on when I wasn't present. I bought a program to record computer activities and installed it. A day past and I accessed the program. What I found was shocking.My wife of fourteen years was having an emotional/cyber sexual relatoinship with another man. I continued to monitor them for another week.The whole time I gave my wife numerous chances to confess, by the questions I would ask her.She never did.When I could no longer bear the knowlege of the situation. I confronted her about it.Her initial reaction was one of shock and denial.Until I invited her to review some of the logs I had compiled.They consisted of the sharing of my wifes emotions and cybersex with her new partner.She was awstruck at this point,admitted to it then proceeded to say that he meant nothing to her and that it would end asap.Thats were it got confusing for me.
I could understand her motivation:lonley housewife of fourteen years that had never had the relationship she wanted to w/me because I was not a born again christian, very angry and violent at times,and very controlling,but never physically abusive.However I have never cheated on her or did anything other than be the best husband and father(of three) that I could be without being born again!
Since my discovery of her affair I have become a born again christian,attended to my God wife,and family much more closley. The answer to all her prayers.But she has not and will not stop communicating with him.This has made our relationship very sour for me. I have asked this of her repeatedly, so that we may begin rebuilding our marriage.She even went as far as to say she would suspend,for the holidays, communicating with him, if I would stop bringing him up.So I took what I could get and made the deal with her.Then,about two days later, to my shock and dismay I caught her in a lie talking to him on the phone while she had me on hold on the other line telling me she was talking to her sister.She said that she needed to talk to him for reasurance, and thought I would not be able to take the truth. I told her that she needed to give me a chance and try telling me the truth, and how hurt I was about the lying.She has since then said it wouldn't happen again but tries to contact him daily on the internet/e-mail?When we made are agreement to suspend contact we even drafted an e-mail to him to tell him of the deal in which she said she was giving me a chance to have peace in the matter so that I could get over it.
Is it just me or is my wife trying to keep us both around till she can make up her mind?She says she is not going anywhere ,loves me,and wants our relationship to get better, BUT HER ACTIONS STATE OTHERWISE TO ME.
I have changed alot since I became a christian, words ,deeds, actions,prayer,habits.I realize that these indications have only been present in me for a month, but I know have truly changed and will never be the hateful,cold,dead person I once was.We have been able to work through a good deal of our probs w/Gods help,but still she tries to contact him. She says she does not understand why I am so displeased with this aspect.And the only thing she sees is that I don't trust her??? I think its the only thing standing in between our healing as a married couple.I invite all feedback on these matters as I
am being very confused by them.
atc0u812@aol.comatc0u812@aol.com [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

My friend your wife is cheating on you. She is having an emotional affair with this man and refuses to give it up. In addition, she is lying to you and having cybersex with this man. I would suggest that you both get into counseling immediately,
I would also suggest that you get rid of the computer and check on her phone bills. The bottom line is why would you allow this situation to continue? Would you allow this to continue
if she was having cybersex or phone sex with a man down the street. Of course you would not. Why are
you allowing it now? It will be a matter of time before they will meet and engage in physical sex.<p>She is totally disrespecting you as a husband by having cybersex with another man. Clearly she seems to think that there are no repercussions to her actions. It is sad that you have to negotiate with your wife not to talk and have cybersex with another man over the holiday and even this she breaks. I am afraid that as long as she feels you will accept this behavior then there really is no reason for her stop.
Let me ask you this. If your wife knew you were having phone sex with another woman who was your friend; do you think she would allow it to continue in your home and accept it? I think not.
There is no reason for you to be a doormat and accept this disgraceful behavior. What kind of a marriage is this? If there are no repercussions then the behavior will continue. Make it clear to your wife this is unacceptable and that there will be consequences. Maybe the thought of her having to get a job may wake her up. I wish you luck.

My advice is to get the internet out of the house for at least 6 months.<p>You may say "how can we live without the internet?"<p>How did you do it 10 years ago?<p>What do you want most - the internet or trouble in your marriage?

Sorry to "crash" your post, but I am dealing withthe same situation, only farther gone, my wife has left me, she is having EA/PA with OM, she met him online, now they are living together.<p>I have recently gone to plan B, and the outcome of it all looks bleak right now.<p>I look back and see now, Damn the internet, I wish we didn't have it.(ironic I'm saying this on the internet, isn't it?)<p>If you can "save" your marriag now by getting rid of the internet, before the A progresses any further, then by all means, DO IT.<p>as I said, sorry for "crashing" your post. Just some advice, from someone in the same situation.<p>God Bless, and good luck.

you have told my story in a nutshell and now my XW is living with other man. I heard all the same things and wanted to believe it was innocent, what a fool I was. I only gave her time to convince herself she was doing the right thing. Please read all you can on internet addiction and cyber infidelity it will give you some good insight to what is happening, your wife is in the grip of a powerful addiction and you need to get help now.

My husband also met OW playing battleship on the Internet last September. He now wants a divorce so he can be with her.<p>Just last July my H was telling me how much he loves me now to hear him talk you would think that life with me for the past three years has been a nightmare. I know he is just trying to justify his affair but it hurts still the same.<p>Good Luck and God Speed. Remember it's not you.

Confused,<p>As you can tell by all of the other posters, you are not alone in being in a relationship betrayed by a spouse's infidelity, via the internet. I've been dealing with the problem with my H since April and I truly believe it has stopped but not after several reoccurences and confrontations.<p>I have to cmment on something you said, something I really did not think about until I read "Surviving an Affair", available here at the marriage builders website. I, as the betrayed spouse, was very vulnerable to an affair myself, as my emotional needs had gone unmet for several years. You are vulnerable to an affair but so is your wife. <p>You also need to think long and hard about your angry outbursts. This is a huge Love Buster. I am married to a man who also has a bad temper. Angry outbursts do not make your wife feel safe or loved. They makes her feel scared. <p>About the phone...I monitored our home phone bills for months and saw nothing unusual. Then one day, when I was at the grocery store, I noticed some phone cards for sale and a light bulb went off in my head. I did some snooping in my H's wallet and found a phone card and the phone numbers for some OW he was having phone sex with. I had thought that things were getting better between us and that the infidelity was no more. I was wrong. It seems that when I was working nights, he was calling these OW using the phone card. I found this out by contacting the company for the dates and times the card was last used and how many minutes were used and left on the card. I then confronted him about it. He of course knew that I had been snooping but I felt it was necessary for me to snoop when your spouse is doing something that threatens the well being of your family and your marriage on a repeated basis.<p>Continue with your plan A, it takes a few months to see some results and keeping monitoring the contact with OM. If you haven't done this already, get the books, "His Needs, Her Needs", "LoveBusters" and "Surviving and Affair", all available here at the marriage builders website. Read, post, and read some more. Read every thing you can here at marriagebuilders. Let us know how you are doing. I would probably be going through a divorce right now if I had not experienced the support of the people here at marriagebuilders. It is a long road to recovery and it will be full of setbacks but there is a light at the end of the tunnel for me and my husband and our family.<p>Good luck,
Bluebird

Confused inOH
Sorry for your situation. Yup, those cyber affairs can lead to real problems.
Just remember, if you get rid of the internet, you'll have to be aware of other places she can get online....like the library....friends and neighbors places....etc.....
Bluebird brought up a good one too. Too much phone time. If you are into snooping (you have to decide whether it is worth the LB or not--for me, I would rather KNOW and confront my H with it.) then put a caller-id on a phone you don't use much...(maybe a hidden basement extention or something)
My H gets the phone cards from Sams and can add time to them right over the phone with a credit card. So you might want to check the credit cards too.
My H also said he borrowed some money when he went to see her once and I intercepted an email that he "got her message and would send out the promise the next day"....after all H*ll broke loose and I asked him about that....never found any checks made out to her or receipts so he probably got a money order. If there is a will, there's a way.
But, if she hasn't actually met him yet, its all based on lies, lies, lies and fantasy. She only knows about him what he has chosen to tell him. Ted Bundy also was also handsome and had a charasmatic personality. So, be careful.
You can't change her, only yourself. But you can tell her she has a decision to make.
My H has broken it off the the PA OW but still emails another and I'm still trying to get him to stop this...(He knows this woman from working in that particular office over 15 years ago)
Good luck...come here to vent often.
Mikkey