I have been "lurking" here for almost two months and decided to go ahead and take the plunge....<p>On Aug. 28th, my husband of 21 years confessed to a one-night stand with a mutual friend (one of his co-workers). This happened 1/15/01. I knew that something was wrong with him. He had been pulling away from me since he turned 40 in April of 2000. I asked him more than once if he was having an affair and he said no, but I knew in my heart he was or was thinking of it....and I even had it narrowed down to the two people that I thought he might be attracted to. And sure enough, it was one of them! So hearing the news, didn't surprise me at all. This woman (29 y/o, married, with 2 children) has since left her position with his company.<p>My husband is very remorseful and is committed to our marriage, as am I. I have had some horrible days, but feel I'm doing good....most of the time. Sometimes, tho, I am absolutely overwhelmed with such grief and loss I just feel helpless and hopeless! I have not gone to counseling, altho my husband did a few times before he confessed to me. To be honest, I do not at all want to go to counseling. I am a very private person and even writing this is very hard for me. However, I have read quite a lot on this website and have purchased and read several books that have helped me alot.<p>My children (son-19, daughter-15) do not know about the affair. My parents do, but my in-laws do not. I have always considered myself to be "strong" emotionally. I hate to cry and be so grief-stricken...and I don't want my husband to think that I am "pushing his buttons" trying to hold him with guilt. He has never been one to talk about his feelings, but I know he is ready to forget this and move on.<p>My question: How long can I expect these overwhelming feelings to hit me? How do I know if I am just having a "pity party" ...or if I need to deal with this issue more and that is why it keeps coming up?

hurtinglady,
The question here is "to forgive". From your writing I assume that A had ended and your H had tried to move on. If that is the case then actually there is still something wrong in your M. Your recovery is not done properly. You should gave H HNHN and SAA to read and even invite H to lurk also in this forum to learn basic concept. Then fill up ENQ, LBQ & PAQ. Work on those to do 4 gifts of love, protection, care, time and honesty. Both of you have to work on it on recovery, don't let it linger any longer. You might end up having A yourself. The missing piece is probably due to your observation that your H is not working on M and move on to quickly. You should seek conseling if H is not cooperating and hard to work with. Let third party to educate H. Call MB. Actually it is easier w/ MB, you are talking to the "phone" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>As long as A had ended and H is woking on M, let it goes and do not even tell you kids about it. Vent here if you have to.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>My question: How long can I expect these overwhelming feelings to hit me? How do I know if I am just having a "pity party" ...or if I need to deal with this issue more and that is why it keeps coming up? </strong><hr></blockquote>
The path to recovery is very narrow. Ask your H to work on MB and let H knows how you feels. W/ MB your "in Love" will be restored and A will be distant memory. IMHO, your H doesn't have the skill to fill in your LB$. Work on MB.<p>Good luck.

<"My question: How long can I expect these overwhelming feelings to hit me? How do I know if I am just having a "pity party" ...or if I need to deal with this issue more and that is why it keeps coming up? "><p>Your not just having a pity prty and what you are going through is really a normal part of recovery fror a BS. What happened to you is probably one of the most painful things that can happen in a marriage it takes time. I've had nightmares, panick attacks, overwhelming fear, actually you sound pretty together.<p>But, I also hear that you - like me and others are the type that has trouble asking for the things you need. We have a great thread going on that subject In Recovery you might be interested in reading.. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=31&t=005392