I suspect that my husband for 4 years is having an affair. He has been missing serveral times from our flat after I have gone to bed and return at around 4 O'clock in the morning. I work 12 hrs./day and 6 days/week so I'm really tired in the evening and normally sleep soundly so I'm sure he must have done it more often than I'm aware off. <p>His mobile is often off in the afternoon when I'm at work. He started saying I'm more like his sister than his wife. And also strange phone calls and he lied about his whereabout a couple of times.<p>We had our own business but I also has a full-time job as well. Our staff noticed his changes too. <p>I asked him a couple of times and he was annoyed. I want to comfront him but have no solid prove. How do I get him to tell me the truth. <p>We have no child and I am very lonely. I have no one to talk to about this problem. I'm totally depending on him emotion wise. I am afriad. I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that I must survive this somehow but I don't know what I'd do.<p>Please, help. thank you.

gloria101,
Welcome to MB. Check the link below to understand what MB is about. There is 50 sign that you could take a look at it, 99.9% your H has an affair. You could snoop, get someone you trust or yourself to follow your H, get a voice activated audio recorder and put it in your H car, if you h has a cell get a hold of the record and see which is the most frequent number H dials and go to internet to find out the address, if the provider is AT&T, you could see the bill online w/ info that you have. You could buy a test kit to test H underware. You could sleuth, hire a detective. However the most important of all, your H has A and answer the following questions first. What are you going to do with this info ?. Do you want to save your M or just Dv ?.

Thank you so much for your help. I am really sick at the moment. Yesterday evening (around 18:00 pm. 31/12/01), we were in the cinema with a few staff working for us, he seemed desperate to get out of the cinema claiming he had an appointment with a MALE friend who I'm not very familiar with. We got out of the cinema at around 18:30 and he took me back home then rushed to meet the "friend". I did ask if I could go with him but he said "the friend" didn't invite me.He promised to be home around 20:00 - 21:00 but he showed up at 21:30. I didn't yell at him or anything. He made so many promises and said he loves me so much that he wouldn't have any other woman. Then he said we should go out and find something to eat then come back home and make love. I thought he was covering something up. Then he said that he was late so his friend left the restaurant and will be back with his wife at around 22:00 so he should like to go back to see his "friend" again.<p>Then he asked if he could go for the End of the Year count down with his friend. I mean don't people suppose to stay for the count down with their family. At first, I was very upset but concealed it wanting to know where it would lead to so I told him he could go. He said he was touched. Then I asked him to drive me home. He said to make sure that he will be with his friend, he would take me to the restaurant to meet his friend first. I refused as I wanted to go home to cry. He drove me there anyway. I got a chance to say hello to his friend and that was all. On the way back, I asked him to stay with me through the night and perhaps meet his friend the next day. He refused and was upset and angry. He started saying things like "You never trust me." "I'm not your son." and "Why can't I have a life like other people." We passed a pub on the first floor of our Condominium and I pointed out to him that the pub was empty because everyone stayed home with their family. He was very angry and threw his mobile on the floor. It was broken into little pieces. <p>Then I asked him to go away. He did and he came back twice to say to me "It shouldn't have been like this." I saw that he was unstable and asked him to leave. He left and he hasn't come home yet (it's 9:00 in the morning 01/01/02). I'm all alone and so lonely. I don't know what to do. Am I being insupportive? <p>How do I get him to tell me the truth? I am hurted. I haven't slept at all. What should I do? Will he come back?<p>[ December 31, 2001: Message edited by: gloria101 ]</p>

gloria101,
You know the truth, your H has an A. Since you are in this forum I assume you want to save your M. Learn, learn as much as you can about MB. Many has travel this path some makes it and some don't. When they fail to save the M they have peace in their mind and ready to move on. Cry, greive, scream if you have to ... you have to let it out you greive. When you are ready, follow the link on my sig. You have all you need to know about MB. Visit first the quick guide for BS, it will help you out to what not to do.<p>You have to do plan A, stop chasing your H and worry about A. Nothing you could do to stop H and change H. Let H goes when H is back don't ask or talk about A unless it is initiated by him.<p> Am I being insupportive?
You follows your instinct and you have done nothing wrong. H just being a jerk since he uses the argument as a way to justify his A.<p>How do I get him to tell me the truth? I am hurted. I haven't slept at all. What should I do? Will he come back?
Stop asking and concentrate on yourself. Get some sleep, get some med if you need to. He will be back when he wants to. Read on Quick Guide to BS by WAT.

Gloria,<p>It does sound like your h is having some type of interest that he is tending to put before you, your marriage and that needs to be addressed and talked about between you both.<p>I am just going to be frank... I think it might help you here... Ok, when i suspected my h of having an affair, there were clues and red flags that i keyed in on...here are a few...<p>1. said i was more like a sister
2. got all weird and kinda cringed when i would try to touch him in the places only a wife should.
3. i asked to see cell phone bill, it never came to house... h was having it sent to work address
4. Left to work 3 hours early - said he was working out in work gym
5. Never brought his cell phone in house, left it in car<p>
Do you get his cell phone bill at home? Look it over and see if there is a suspicious phone number on it. When i finally got my h's bill, ow's # was riddled all over the pages - like high school kids calling back and forth. Does your h use a cell phone co. like Sprint? Try to go online and access his account, you will need his passcode. The only reason i accessed my h's was because the customer service agent accidentally gave it to me. Score! Then it all came together after that. <p>Your suspicions are real and you do NOT deserve to live like that. Your h should be making it clear that you are his priority and only true, lasting,longing in life. To me, it sounds like there is something going on. Especially with the 'sister' comment.<p>I hope that you find out the truth soon, like i said, it is not healthy to live with so much doubt and grief. You have a right to know. For a long time, i wanted to follow my h, but for whatever reasons did not want to believe it was true. I left to visit family for a week and later i found out that he was with ow the whole week, like playing house, husband and wife, while i was gone. <p>I will say a prayer for you. I know your pain, you are not alone, thank God.<p>God Bless,
Julia

Again, I have to thank you all for your advices and prayers. I'm learning everything I can find about it.<p>And yes, I will be able to get his phone bill as I bought his cell phone (which he already smashed it to bits) for his B.D. and under my name. When I get the phone bill and find out about the no. of possible OW, what should I do? Saying "excuse me. Are you having an A with my H?" wouldn't work. Forgive me if I sound like I'm out of mind mine. I guess I am out of my mind.<p>I got some sleep (an hour) and been out having lunch with a friend of mine whom I trust. I just had some soup but that's a big improvement. <p>At the moment, I don't know where he is. He left a message with one of our staff saying that he's sorry for what he have done (without mentioning what that was) and he can assure me that he doesn't have OW. I suppose he's trying to convince our staff as well as me. Should I believe him? My instinct tell me that it's all a big lie. He's just not ready to tell me because of the business, our staff, my family and friends. <p>Life is really difficult. I guess I depended on him to much. I'm 7 years younger than him. Our business is doing great. My education and background should make anyone pround. O.K. I'm not pretty and overwieght at the moment but I'm working on that too. What is it that he want? He said he want freedom. For what? I'm hardly home anyway and because of his career (he's an actor who is moderately successful), he's away from home quite a lot (2 - 3 days/week). Though it might have been a day of work and a few extra days to spend with OW. I hate him and yet I'm still deeply in love with him.<p>He had an emotional affair 2 years ago (he said he had never slept with her). At that time, I was working in the U.K. When I learned about it, he asked me to come back and he put the affair to an end. Oh! May be he didn't. I'm not sure any more. It was hard to forgive him and I guess I still haven't forgiven him 100% but I have started to feel less resentful and more trusting and caring. Now, he has undid all the good things he did and all the work we have done together to keep our M. <p>The world is having a celebration. My next door neighbours are having a party. I'm sitting all alone in the dark wishing he was here to hug me or this is just a nightmare. On one hand, I wished we had a child so I could have a friend but on the other hand, I'm glad we haven't got a child so no one else is here to suffer. <p>I want to hire a detective. But is that a good thing to do? I want the answer so I will know what to do with my life and our M. Yes, I want to save our M. but I don't want to suffer again and again. Only the Lord knows how this is going to turn out. I am just a human being. I will do my best and leave the rest to him. <p>Goodnight to you all. Wish you all good health and happiness through out the year 2002.

<p>[ January 01, 2002: Message edited by: gloria101 ]</p>

gloria101,
Take a good care of your health and go see doctor if you need med. W/o healty body you would not have a good mind to fight this. You are facing evil at their best ... if you watch LordOfTheRing you will understand how selfishness manifest in our WS's body. You could call it all you want, we call it the fog in here but reality is the justification of emotion. Selfishness.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>And yes, I will be able to get his phone bill as I bought his cell phone (which he already smashed it to bits) for his B.D. and under my name. When I get the phone bill and find out about the no. of possible OW, what should I do? Saying "excuse me. Are you having an A with my H?" wouldn't work. Forgive me if I sound like I'm out of mind mine. I guess I am out of my mind.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Rule #1 on snooping, you do not use the info to confront WS, it is futile. You use it to do research on your OW. She might be serial killer and your H doesn't know it. Get the address from the phone#, snoop out and see who is your opponent. When the time come you confront H and let the A exposed to the day light if he won't stop.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I got some sleep (an hour) and been out having lunch with a friend of mine whom I trust. I just had some soup but that's a big improvement.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Again Gloria, take care of your self, your H won't do it.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>At the moment, I don't know where he is. He left a message with one of our staff saying that he's sorry for what he have done (without mentioning what that was) and he can assure me that he doesn't have OW. I suppose he's trying to convince our staff as well as me. Should I believe him? My instinct tell me that it's all a big lie. He's just not ready to tell me because of the business, our staff, my family and friends. </strong><hr></blockquote>
Never take their word, look at their actions<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Life is really difficult. I guess I depended on him to much. I'm 7 years younger than him. Our business is doing great. My education and background should make anyone pround. O.K. I'm not pretty and overwieght at the moment but I'm working on that too. What is it that he want? He said he want freedom. For what? I'm hardly home anyway and because of his career (he's an actor who is moderately successful), he's away from home quite a lot (2 - 3 days/week). Though it might have been a day of work and a few extra days to spend with OW. I hate him and yet I'm still deeply in love with him.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Watch out gloria. A will try to destroy your selfesteem. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU AND YOUR H COOSE TO HAVE A. Lean about plan A. I would go to gymn and get a private instructor to help you out. Go and get hair cut, color it if you may. Go manicure and even get a spa massage. Go and shop on the way back. Do something that is feel good to yourself. If you smoke; stop it, if you addicted to coffe; stop it. Change your appearance to make H paying attention. Plan A'ng you butt off.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>He had an emotional affair 2 years ago (he said he had never slept with her). At that time, I was working in the U.K. When I learned about it, he asked me to come back and he put the affair to an end. Oh! May be he didn't. I'm not sure any more. It was hard to forgive him and I guess I still haven't forgiven him 100% but I have started to feel less resentful and more trusting and caring. Now, he has undid all the good things he did and all the work we have done together to keep our M. <hr></blockquote></strong>
I let my WW 5.5 years ago and look what I am ending up here. WW has A w/ OM from the past 1.5 years ago or probably never stop. This lesson should led you to be prepare for recovery. The road is very narrow but your could protect it with 4 rules, 4 gifts of love. Care, protection, time and honesty. w/o willingness to work on it do not even take your H back you are asking for it again.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>The world is having a celebration. My next door neighbours are having a party. I'm sitting all alone in the dark wishing he was here to hug me or this is just a nightmare. On one hand, I wished we had a child so I could have a friend but on the other hand, I'm glad we haven't got a child so no one else is here to suffer. </strong><hr></blockquote>
{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}. Count your blessing not your misery.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I want to hire a detective. But is that a good thing to do? I want the answer so I will know what to do with my life and our M. Yes, I want to save our M. but I don't want to suffer again and again. Only the Lord knows how this is going to turn out. I am just a human being. I will do my best and leave the rest to him. </strong><hr></blockquote>
MB will prepare you for this. However your are already riding the roller coaster of your life. Let him go and work on plan A (you).<p>[ January 01, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

I'm up again after 2 hours of sleep. I can't cry. It's kind of numb. It's 2 O'clock in the morning of 01/01/02 and he's still not back. <p>I'm trying hard to love myself and be happy on my own. I keep asking myself to face it and fight it out. How could a man who swore eternal love and loyalty living me to suffer on my own? Why does he not here by my side taking my best interest at his heart. Is this the same person whom I love and care? <p>Thank you, Redhat for your help. I think I know what to do but haven't a peace in my to think or act rationally. The pain is too great. I have been trying hard not to commit suicide.

gloria101,
My WW is MIA since Saturday noon. No one gloria is worth more than your life specially your H at his current state of mind. Been there twice and wakes up after finding WW's A. What you need to do is seek support. Do you have parent of very close family member that you could trust and talk to them ?. To keep you company for a few days. If you live in US you could get to hotline. If you do not have no one, email your phone#, I will try to get some other MB veteran to help you out. This A will take a toll on your health. Get some slepping pill for the night and see your doctor in the morning to have some anti depression. Cry gloria, let it out, scream if you have to. Then you have to be strong, you have to be strong for the two of you. Your H now is in the fog. His selfishness take the better part of him. Every word and action are dictated by his selfishness. This condition will not last.<p>BTW, do you live in AU or UK ?.<p>[ January 01, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Gloria,<p>Here is just my take on it... If i could do it all over again I WOULD hire a private investigator, i would follow him, i would - i would - i would. Unfortunately for me, because i NEVER did these things UNTIL it was too late, my h ended up getting ow pregnant. Sure, my h was knocked out of the "fog" (seeing unclearly) and came running home out of shock and shame confessing how much he loved me and asking for forgiveness, etc... but it doesn't change the fact that he is having a baby in April!! <p>Do what you have to do now before it is too late. I would continue calling him on your suspicions, he will crack. Insist on going with him on his little night time trips. Go and sit in the car if you have to - tell him you will not get out and you will wait for him in the car while he does his business. I bet you he will refuse to go at all. I just wish i had done SOMETHING, ANYTHING to pay more attention to my suspicions than be a DOORMAT, walked on and brutally betrayed. <p>He is YOUR husband, a successful actor/businessman or Ice cream truck driver - it does not matter! Don't stand by and let him walk all over you, fight for your marriage, stand by your husband and your covenant with a tenacity! Tell him daily that you are praying for your him and for "us"- meaning you and him.<p>Don't let it get to where i am. I would have much rather suffered a divorce than deal with the shame and humility that comes when your h gets another woman pregnant. <p>God bless,
Julia

gloria, are you ok ?. -bump-

Hey, you've got lots of good support so far. Read Surviving An Affair if you haven't already. It's a great tool.<p>I have to agree with what the group said--if you suspect, it's probably reality. It's time to sleuth the truth. Be diligent in your pursuits. It's your marriage on the line. Do whatever it takes to find out the truth.Then make your game plan. <p>Yes it sucks, yes it blows. Cry, scream, get it out. Go work out at a gym or go running. Although I've always had fitness as my top priority, during the past year it has literally saved me from going cuckoo. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
God bless,<p>guido

Like redhat, just wondering if you are ok...

Gloria,<p>Its been a couple of days - hope you are doing ok and are finding some friends or family to support you in all this.<p>Julia and the others who responded to Gloria:
I am stumped on how to determine the truth with W. She exhibits almost every sign of an A there is - so I really can't doubt it is happening or has happened to some extent at some point. I have posted elsewhere about all this.<p>But my question is how to sleuth. W has really made no mistakes with her secrecy. Her cell phone bills and our home phone has been "clean" since it all started. Yet she is always on her cell but they are all incoming calls. Somehow she has some way to contact her "girl" friends because they always call her on her cell but she never makes any call that can be identified. <p>We live in a large metro area so when she leaves - I am always with the children and where her "friend" generally lives is quite an impractical drive. And she leaves usually right before I get home from work.<p>I feel like my hands are tied in this and financially I am not in a position to hire a detective. It's frustrating.<p>~ Luc<p>
[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Gloria, <p>You are in a hard situation but by no means an uncommon one. Here at MB we have heard and experienced many situations similar to what you have recounted. Those posting to you here want to lend you their support. They also are concerned about your welfare. <p>Please let us know how you are doing. Understand that your feelings of despair right now are normal. Crying your eyes out, is ok. <p>But at the same time you do need to take care of yourself. Your H sounds like he is in a selfish mode. Which means your needs are not his priority. This means you need to take care of yourself. <p>If you want to empower yourself with the best tools available, take a look at some of the links on Redhat's by line. Or click on the basic concepts section above. <p>Take Care,
L.