Hi! I had posted on the emotional section of the website and received some encouragement and advise. But, it was recommended that I come to the infidelity section to seek the help I really need. My husband has been having an affair for approx., 6 mos. The reasoning was that he did not feel any love or affection from me for years. and this affair just happened. He is still currently involved with this other person and says he is in love with her and she with him. That hurts to even type. Anyway, through the last several days of crying and confronting he has admitted to me that he was hoping I would find out and that he never planned on leaving me or the kids and that he was ready to end his relationship with this person (she's out of town and won't be back until next week) and totally commit to us. Problems: How do I know and trust that he has ended it with her? Since he told me he was staying I haven't cried again, what does that mean? Am I in shock or what? I keep thinking this isn't happening to me that its happening to someone else, but when I see him I know it happened. He won't go to counseling and feels that we could work this out on our own by just communicating and giving each other affection. I never saw this happening nor did he ever confront me and sit me down to tell me he was unhappy. It was easier to tell her I guess. Anyway, I've read alot on this site, but don't know how to sort out what will help and what won't. What is going to happen or won't. I don't know if I can deal if he goes through a withdrawal period over her. And what right does he have to go through that if he does. According to Dr. Harley it looks like all those who have affairs where they say they fell in love go through this. How are we supposed to deal with that and the infidelity? Is there anyway to tell he's done with her? Why haven't I cried since yesterday? I'm so confused. Any help out there. Thanks!

I'm so sorry to hear and feel your pain. I am going through a similar situation. I have found that if I want to re-build our relationship I HAVE to trust my husband 100%. It is agonizing, because I don't want to wonder where he is when he is 5 minutes late, but he assures me and I am taking a leap of faith and trusting him. The doubt will be there and for a while, but talking and loving each other will help the pain. We call it being "brutally honest" knowing that we can't hurt each other any more so we talk about dreams he has about her and how he feels when he thinks of her. It hurts but it is all part of the healing for both of us. Unfortunately, my husband says they were in love too. Ugh.... Awful to type is right. So although it kills me, he is going through some loss too. I have found a couple of great books that really have helped. <p>Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson, MD is about life changes and what to do with change and uncertainty. <p>Surviving Infidelity..Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, MFCC and Gloria G. Harris, Phd is more a book for you dealing with your feelings and questions.<p>And the best book I have found is called After the Affair..Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Tust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD with Michael Spring. It is a great book to read together. My husband and I have both read it and find it very helpful. It looks at both angles. Hope this helps. Good luck to you.

Hello notreadytogiveup,<p>I am a regular over on 'In Recovery'. I don't check in here often, but I saw your thread tonight and wanted to reply to you.<p>What you are feeling is completely normal. Yes, you are probably in shock. The reality takes a while to set in. At first, it just seems so unreal, impossible, unimaginable. Don't try to find meaning in having no tears to cry right now. There will be tears while you are processing what has happened, what is happening, and what you want to happen in the future. Your body, mind and soul are in the very early stages of adapting to this newfound information; and they will react in some unexpected ways.<p>I agree with LearningToHeal that "After the Affair" is a great book; it is my personal favorite. Other excellent resources are "Surviving an Affair" (Harley) and "Torn Asunder" (Carder). One of the great things about ATA is that it normalizes some of what you ar feeling now and will likely feel in the next months; it takes the mystery out of those "Am I losing it?" moments that we all have.<p>This site is a terrific resource. I suggest that you read everything related to infidelity and recovery from infidelity, and if you are capable of it at all, adopt plan A right away.<p>As for not going to MC, my view is that MC with a good counsellor is an ideal way to get marital recovery off the ground; but, if it cannot be negotiated at this stage, you and your H can implement a recovery plan without a C and make progress. Lots of MBers have managed without MC, although I think trying to get 'buy in' to MC is extremely worthwhile.<p>Whether with or without MC, a detailed recovery plan is necessary, but don't rush into adopting one until you have taken a little time just to survive the first days after the discovery. This site and each of the books I mentioned above set out suggested recovery plans. In fact, I posted a long response to someone on In Recovery tonight with some suggestions on how to start a dialogue with the WS on a recovery plan - here's a link to that thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=31&t=005500<p>Onto the subject of ending it with OW. Have you read Harley's Q&A's about how to end an A? Read them and print them for your H to read. Try to get agreement to a no contact letter immediately. There is absolutely no reason why he needs to end it in person, none at all. Harley recommends against it for obvious reasons. Also, sticking to the no contact letter that Harley describes is important. I think there are also sample no contact letters on this site, but I can't locate them right now. I am sure a question on the GQII or In Recovery forums will jog someone's memory pretty quickly. In any event, Harley describes the no contact letter, and doing it 'by the book' is the nest way to go, without any doubt.<p>You asked about trusting your H that it is ended and it is truly over. This is a tough one. I don't think it is realistic to trust your H 100%, nor do I necessarily think it is necessary. Harley actually doesn't believe in 100% trust, even before an A has scarred a M. Harley discusses extraordinary precautions that the WS should adopt immediately to avoid all contact with the OP (in addition to sending the no contact letter). Again, finding that material, reading it and printing it for your H to read would be a good start. If he will agree to some extraordinary precautions at the outset, your level of anxiety will be greatly helped. I will warn you, though, that extraordinary precautions are a 'hard sell' to most WSs. It is unfair, I know, but one of those harsh realities. I hope that your situation will be one of those where the WS is willing to offer some tangible comfort to you. If not, recovery is still very possible. In any event, you are likely to be hyper-vigilent.<p>Withdrawal: Yes, he will likely go into withdrawal and it is pretty unbearable to the BS. But, the best thing you can do is to create a safe environment for him to come to you with his discomfort, much as that might seem cruel to you right now. My H still remembers when I held his hand and told him that I understood that it was difficult for him to lose a friend that had come to be part of his life. Try to do what Harley suggests during withdrawal; it is very good advice.<p>I will also add some advice on something you did not ask about - individual counselling. Please try to find a good IC right away. I cannot emphasize how much this will help you. It is early yet to consider how you will personally recover in addition to how you will recover your M, but it is not too early to benefit from having professional assistance to just get through this week, next week, and many more after that. A good IC will help you stay healthy. Please seek one out.<p>Okay, I think this reply has been quite long enough. I will check back to see if you have any other questions. Feel free to head over to the In Recovery forum also. There are lots of wise MBers in recovery and recovered. IT IS POSSIBLE TO RECOVER FROM THIS NIGHTMARE. Truly it is!<p>I am sending you a thousand hugs of support. Keep breathing, keep reading, keep posting. Okay?<p>Good luck,

One day- Thank you so much for answering all my questions. This is the first time I have found individual help on this site and I can not tell you how much that means to me. Same for learningtoheal. I went right out to the library yesterday and got both books mentioned. I read the After the Affair and highlighted some things for my husband to read, since he's not an advid reader. Unfortunately, I know my husband will not say goodbye through a letter. In fact, the OW is due in Tues from a weeks trip to Europe and can almost guarentee he's her ride home from the airport. Hopefully it will say his goodbyes on Tues. But, I don't know if he understands how he can have absolutely no contact with her in order for us to have any chance. Maybe he'll realize it when he reads some of the stuff in the book. I don't know. I so understand why this happened, I so understand that my husband was hurting, but I can't understand how he could turn to someone else. I forced him to give me her name yesterday. I think that was why I wasn't crying. I was in major denial. Now that I have a name (first only, but then I snooped and got her full name) it has sunk in that this is really happening to me. I am now in the anger mode of this wonderful rollercoaster my husband as put me on. I told him he will need to be accountable for his whereabouts over the next few weeks until I can get over the initial shock. He was ok with that, in fact I'm going out tonight for the guys night out. I guess, I keep thinking about what will happen once he ends it with her. His feelings for her, his withdrawal from her, how do I know he's not calling her or emailing her. What about when he's with me, is he thinking of her, because he sure wasn't thinking of me when he was with her. I think I can accept to a point how this happened, but can not control my feelings on it still going on and him still having to go through withdrawal and me having to fight for my husband, kids father, and the man I'm unfortunately still in love with. I will check that one posting that was mentioned out, but is there anything else you can give me advise on. A counselor for me right now is not an option, because my daughter is going to counseling for something else and I can't afford it. I'm hoping between this site and what I've been reading will help me through some of this. Thank you!

notreadytogiveup,<p>No thanks are necessary. Truly. I remember what a relief it was, when I first posted on In Recovery to have people respond to my personal situation, to find a few new friends who could understand what I was feeling. I am only too happy to continue that fine tradition, although very saddened that you have to be among us.<p>I am at work right now, so I cannot really put a lot into this reply. I just wanted you to know that I checked in and that I will come back, hopefully tonight, with any other thoughts.<p>In the meantime, why don't you give me more information? That might assist me to think of things that might help you. For example, how old are your children, how long have you been married, what is your religious background and your H's, do you have a supportive rabbi/priest/pastor/minister, what are your ages, how did you meet, what did you most like about him, what most attracted him to you, what kind of support network do you have, what do you think your H's top 5 ENs are, what LBs of yours have you identified, what has your H said about his frame of mind when the A started (his feelings, thoughts etc.), does he work with OW, what is the schedule his day like, do you work inside or outside of the home, and any other stuff you are willing to share.<p>If you are uncomfortable sharing on a public forum, feel free to e-mail me at onedayatmb@yahoo.ca - I'll check my e-mail tonight, in case you respond by that route.<p>For the rest of today, read, read, read, breathe and try to stay calm. Focus on learning what you can about As, how the A arose in the context of your M, and especially about processing the feelings you have and implementing a plan for recovery.<p>I'll be back.<p>Hugs,<p>OneDay

oneday - I will attempt to answer your questions hopefully I have the answers. Anyway, here goes. And again thanks for helping me. By the way I may hold on to your email address for awhile if that's ok. We have 2 children. One from a previous marriage of mine. I got married very young, 19, pregnant at 20. We were both just kids. Daughter is 15 now, my husband adopted her about 4 years ago. My other daughter is from our marriage. She just turned 6 in Oct. We have been together for 9 1/2 years, 10 this July. Married for 9 in August. I am of Jewish faith but do not formally practice, he is a Christian, but does not believe in the church experience. I am 35 years old he is 40. We met on a blind date. My girlfriend had met him and thought he would be perfect for me and gave me his number. I called him and talked to him to check him out and agreed to go out with him. The moment he came to my door I knew he was the one. He said he also felt the same way. He is a very kind a loving man, even though I haven't felt that towards me in quite awhile. I guess part of our problem has been miscommunication. He thought I didn't want and love him and I thought he didn't want and love me, so instead of talking we became distant in the area of affection and intimacy. What attracted me most to him was his sense of humor, his carefree attitude, his sponteniety (?), the way he made me feel about myself. I'm not sure of 5 of my H's ENs are, but definitely know the top 3: Affection/intimacy, sexual intimacy, keeping the house clean. The LB's that I have discovered in myself are: annoying behavior, selfish demands, and parts of the angry outbursts. He and I have been having long talks about both the ENs and the love busters, not in those terms, but I think we both have a clear understanding of how to fix or provide those things to each other. Or at least me to him right now. My Hs frame of mind when the A started was that he felt I no longer felt any love or affection towards him. He felt he had a lot of love to give and that I pushed him away for so many years that he came to the conclusion I just didn't want him. So he looked for someone who did. From what I understand he is in contact with this person through one of his contracting jobs. When he talks to her this week and ends things he will also make her aware that they need to have someone else work with him on his contracting stuff and that she can no longer assist him or be in contact with him. It seems through our many conversations that he and I love each other very much. If we can overcome this, I think we'll be better than we hoped. It's just knowing how to get passed this. Things like: When is it the right time again to be sexually intimate? When do I know I can trust him again? He said he is willing to give 100% to making us work, but is also giving us a 6 mos time limit to at least show improvement. Which I can understand. I just never realized I was hurting him. I didn't mean nor do I feel I was pushing his affections away, but I guess that's how he was feeling and that's all that mattered. Just wish he could have told me in the exact words he's using now and that he most likely used with her. When we talked today I made him answer questions about her and me, personality, quality traits, etc. And his reasoning for his attraction to her is quite easy for me to give back to him so he's not looking elsewhere. The question is how do I get passed the mistrust so that I can be close to him. We have been holding and kissing each other, but can't imagine a sexual encounter with him. I keep having visions of a faceless woman in his arms loving him. I guess I'm also looking at when can I stop dwelling on all the details of the affair. It seems to fill my every waking and sleeping thought. I know and have told him I will not be able to work on this 100% until he has ended this A. And he said he understood and that it would be over by next weekend. Sorry you asked me questions now aren't you. Sorry to unload on here. Anyway, thanks and I look forward to your reply.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by notreadytogiveup:
<strong>Hi! I had posted on the emotional section of the website and received some encouragement and advise. But, it was recommended that I come to the infidelity section to seek the help I really need. My husband has been having an affair for approx., 6 mos. The reasoning was that he did not feel any love or affection from me for years. and this affair just happened. He is still currently involved with this other person and says he is in love with her and she with him. That hurts to even type. Anyway, through the last several days of crying and confronting he has admitted to me that he was hoping I would find out and that he never planned on leaving me or the kids and that he was ready to end his relationship with this person (she's out of town and won't be back until next week) and totally commit to us. Problems: How do I know and trust that he has ended it with her? Since he told me he was staying I haven't cried again, what does that mean? Am I in shock or what? I keep thinking this isn't happening to me that its happening to someone else, but when I see him I know it happened. He won't go to counseling and feels that we could work this out on our own by just communicating and giving each other affection. I never saw this happening nor did he ever confront me and sit me down to tell me he was unhappy. It was easier to tell her I guess. Anyway, I've read alot on this site, but don't know how to sort out what will help and what won't. What is going to happen or won't. I don't know if I can deal if he goes through a withdrawal period over her. And what right does he have to go through that if he does. According to Dr. Harley it looks like all those who have affairs where they say they fell in love go through this. How are we supposed to deal with that and the infidelity? Is there anyway to tell he's done with her? Why haven't I cried since yesterday? I'm so confused. Any help out there. Thanks!</strong><hr></blockquote>

[sorry to not ready to give up......I just found also, after 6 months, our stories sound sooo similiar.....how can we be expected to wait out "his depression?" I haven't allowed myself to feel for fear of making him angry. I love him soooooo much. I for one have made a very fast appointment with a counselor and she recommended the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring.....It looks good so far.....I can only say that if you love him you will just do what you know that you have to do. In a crazy way I hate to see my husband so sad (of course it is over losing his girlfriend.) isn't that crazy? I am willing to do anything....so hang on and get counseling, I don't think we can be expected to do this alone. The trust part must come at some time but you are right, I don't trust at all yet, each day is packed with anxiety and the need to connect with him
Good luck

Sorry, computer glitch.<p>[ January 05, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

Hello notreadytogiveup,<p>I hope this reply finds you in plan A mode. I am sorry that it took so long for me to get back here. I had a minor meltdown last night (yes, it still happens 16 months after d-day but a lot less than it used to), and I just could not get on the computer after that. Today is our family day filled with playing, ski lessons and my traditional Saturday night meal. So, this is the first chance I have had to check back.<p>How was the outing last night with your H and his buddies? Spending time with him, doing things he likes to do, is very important; so keep looking for opportunities to initiate an outing or activity, or to join along on one of his.<p>There are quite a few similarities between your situation and ours: 2 children (although my oldest is a year younger than your youngest), married 9 years, our ages, our H's are Christian and we are not (at least by birth), H and OW having business contact preceding the A and a continuing contract that could bring H and OW into contact after the end of the A, H's feeling pushed away by us after child(ren) were born, both spouses loving one another but H being not 'in love' with us. There are also differences, but probably only one that is significant, namely, that my H suffered from a depression and anxiety disorder long before the A, probably since childhood, that I was unaware of until after the A; I think the disorder impacted on my H's vulnerability to an A and to the depth of his confused state of mind after it. Hopefully, without the added complication of a mood disorder, your H will be clear minded sooner than mine was. I will note for you that even with the additional complications, my H and I are recovering well now and believe that we will fully recover from his infidelity. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have read your answers to my questions, and I have searched for and read all of your previous posts on the MB forums (mostly over on Emotional Needs). Please understand that I am not a professional, not even close; I am simply a person who was thrust into this terrible nightmare, found herself on the post-A rollercoaster ride, and just held on for dear life (and sanity). I wish you could get IC, because it is extremely helpful. Even if you cannot start for a while, it is still worthwile.<p>I'll try to make my comments in some sensible order, but I apologize in advance if I am long winded or confused with my response. Btw, feel free to keep my e-mail address. I'll edit it out of my earlier post this weekend, so do write it down.<p>You and your H have already done some really good work! That you have had long talks about ENs and LBs (it is not necessary to use the terminology), the condition of your M pre-A, the needs that OW has been meeting for your H, and that you have both committed to rebuilding your M is a terrific start. Your finding this site is timely, as you have at your side many, many people who have implemented the MB principles in an effort to recover their Ms. I did not find this place until 4 months after d-day, and it was a Godsend.<p>You have read about plan A, ENs and LBs. Keep those in mind at all times. Live plan A as much as possible, while trying to pace yourself. Recovery is a long process, like a marathon; so don't exhaust yourself early on.<p>Here are some of my thoughts on the type of plan A that may be helpful in your situaion:<p>Plan A<p>Affection
In terms of affection, the return to holding hands and kissing is a very good sign. Do you know what kind of affection he likes? (otherwise talked about as 'love languages') Does he like gifts, notes, cards, acts of service (such as cooking his favorite meal or coffee in bed), non-sexual touching (such as hugging, back rubs or back scratches, foot massages), little acts of affection or big ones, verbal affection in the form of compliments, noticing his attributes? You know best what speaks to him, so put your energies into the affection that is most appreciated BY HIM.<p>SF or SI (as you called it)
Do you know the frequency that he would like, the kind of precursor that appeals to him the most, the time of day, music, smells, lighting, clothing, bedding that he enjoys? If not, discussing these is probably a good place to start. It should not be a clinical, taking notes kind of discussion, but rather the 'in front of the fireplace, with a glass of wine' kind. If you get a response on these things, then you could try talking about more personal things such as most liked places to be touched and in what manner, position, kind of s**, recurring fantasies, talking (and any other verbal communications) during s**. I'm no expert, so I will leave the rest to you to fill in. One thing that I definitely noticed is that having conversations, whether serious or playful, helped to create an environment for being physically intimate. Another element is not limiting SF to the times leading up to the act. Try telling him out of the blue that you think he is sexy, has bedroom eyes, a great backside, muscular thighs, hunky chest, whatever physical attributes you consider turn ons; an unexpected touch of his stomach, upper thigh, backside, or a nibble of the ear or lip, in mid-day gives him an unmistakable message; anything else that tells him "I want you". As for not being able to imagine an actual encounter, well, that is pretty common. Have you read the chapter "Sex Again" in ATA? It is really good and full of suggestions. I will be very honest with you; the images in my head were the worst during our intimate times; I had to work very hard to keep pushing them out of my mind; occasionally, it was bad enough to ruin the 'mood' for me, but I would continue on anyway; yes, sometimes I just had to 'act as if' while making love (ick!). One thing I would suggest against is waiting until you are in the mood to be sexual before doing anything. The idea is to make your H feel wanted, desired, and desirous of you; if he so much as signals interest, treat it as an opportunity to become a little more intimate (nudge a little, if you need to). I'll bet it won't be long before he will really want to. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Do not stop to talk about it, do not interrupt to analyse anything, just act and act immediately. You'll know when the right time is, because your H will show interest. It might be incremental, or it could be all at once. Whatever form the interest is demonstrated, do not pass up any opportunity. As for your not feeling like it, I agree with someone who replied to your threads on Emotional Needs, that just the mere having of more intimacy often causes an increase in s** drive.<p>Well, enough of that.<p>Domestic support
This is not one of my personal favorites to fulfill, but it is on my H's top 5 as well. Keeping an immaculate house is a great start. What about groceries, cooking, baking, household finances, organizing children's activities and the social agenda for the family? If any of these speak to your H, then do them and do them enthusiastically and well. If he finds the pace of family living too frenzied, consider cutting back on some activities that your Ds do or rearraging the time of some things (to times that are invisible to him) or having your Ds help more with chores. My H loves the 'mom baking with the kids, smell of home-cooked everything, happily playing children' scenario, much as it is so old-fashioned that he would never admit to it. He also loves to see me elbow deep in paint, craft glue, lego, or train track with our kids. What does your H really like? What gives him the "this is what a home feels like" sentiment? Whatever it is, do it.<p>LBs
Now about those LBs, I don't know that I can say more than what is in "Lovebusters". I remember you saying you were reading it, so make sure you become adept at stopping an LB before it happens. There are loads of daily habits that you can change, so keep an eye out for things that seem to bother your H, ask him if you need to, then avoid them. Try very hard not to point out to your H the changes you are making in this area, that can be an LB. For my H, seeing me tearful or upset about his A was a huge LB. I hope that is not the case with your H, because that was the absolute hardest thing for me; I had to repress my hurt, pain and anger for so long that it nearly did me in. I get a sense that your H will handle your emotional reactions better, given that he has already opened up to you about OW, told you what attracted him to her, and has already started doing things to help with your very understandable insecurity.<p>Other elements of the recovery plan<p>Well, first you have to have a plan. Given that you and your H have already talked about ENs and LBs, it might be natural to bring it up again and agree to meeting each other's ENs and avoiding LBs. If you can discuss the Rules of Recovery and POJA with your H, without making reference to MB if it annoys him, then do it and get agreement to as much of these elements as possible. Make sure to give your H lots of undivided attention, at least 15 hours a week, but more if you can. Make arrangements for childcare, a regular date night, enjoying his favorite recreational activities together, learn about his hobbies, show fascination with his work, be interested in anything that interests him. If you can get his agreement to do the ENQ, LBQ and recreational activities inventory, you will have lots to work with; and your being honest with yours will help him to learn to meet your ENs and avoid LBs. To be perfectly candid, though, you should probably not expect your ENs to be met for a while, especially during his withdrawal. <p>During withdrawal, he will likely be pretty unbearable, have increased LBs and be impervious to your plan A efforts. Don't get too discouraged, don't LB, don't get impatient; it is normal, it is necessary, and it will pass. Do be ready for withdrawal to last longer than you expect; Harley says at least three weeks, but it is not uncommon for withdrawal to last for months; I think Carder says that it could be as long as the length of the A, in some cases, before the vestiges of withdrawal are gone.<p>I understand that your H feels that he needs to end it with OW in person. If you can negotiate some other means to end it, that would be better; if you cannot, then see if he will agree to follow it up with a 'no contact' letter, in the Harley format. In any event, the A should be ended as soon as possible, no excuses from him should be acceptable. Then the extraordinary precautions to avoid contact are critical. He has agreed to be accountable for his whereabouts for the next few weeks; try to get his agreement to specific things and for an unlimited time period. Those things could (should from the BS's perspective) include his daily schedule, a telephone number and address where he can be found at all times of the day, access to his cell phone or pager, passwords for e-mail accounts both business and personal, passwords for voice-mail accounts; since your H will be working with someone in OW's company, his agreement to blind copying you on any communications to or from that company would be helpful. Of course, he should agree to tell you, immediately, if he sees, hears from or otherwise has any form of inadvertent (or advertent) contact with OW.<p>You don't trust him; you can't trust him. That is normal, that is natural, and it is probably very prudent at this stage. It is not uncommon that the WS contacts the OP after ending the A; it does not always happen, but I do want to warn you about it. I made the mistake of accepting my H's apologies and handing him back trust right after he ended the A; and I discovered that the A had resumed within days but only after the situation was far worsened and OW was actually expecting him to set a date to leave me and go to her. Do be vigilant, but do not LB your H. If you can get his agreement to the list of precautions, then you should not have to do much more. If not, then you might want to ask yourself how much 'snooping' you want to do, whether you need some help (whether listening, recording devices, or a PI or close friend for another set of eyes). There is no shortcut on trust, unfortunately; and I really believe that the more trustworthy your H behaves, the sooner you will start trusting him. In any event, the return of your real trust will be slow. Of course, you could just hand your trust back to him 100%, but if I had it to do over, I would not do that again; I would have been extremely watchful (as I became after d-day #2).<p>Keep a personal journal. It will help you keep track of your feelings, thoughts, moods, plan A successes, strategies, new ideas, and the other aspects of the rollercoaster.<p>Your feelings will need some attending to. Do you have anyone you can turn to - a close friend, family member, support group, pastor/rabbi/priest/minister - in order to voice your feelings? Please do not isolate yourself and try to shoulder the entire load yourself! It is a mistake to ignore your personal healing; it will very, very likely lead to a terrible depression. Even in the best of circumstances (whatever that is post-A [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ), a reactive depression is highly probable, so please keep track of how you are feeling and thoughts, your moods, sleep pattern and appetite. If you have trouble in any of these areas for more than 2 weeks, please see a doc and ask whether anti-depressants might be in order. Do NOT wait until you are nearing a break down before seeing a doctor; these medications take 4-6 weeks to be effective, which is too long to wait if you are already acutely depressed. Also, try to get regular aerobic exercise; if you are feeling anger, I recommend a racket sport or something with a big stick, so that you can work out your anger.<p>You will have obsessive thoughts, about the A, about the OP, about how your H could do this, about what went wrong. Learn to use stopping techniques right away, so you can keep from spiralling downward with these thoughts. If you are feeling overwhelmed and the stopping techniques just are not working, and you realize that you need to exorcise some of these feelings, remove yourself from others (especially your H), and let some of it out; cry, sob, shout, punch a pillow, scream, flail on a soft surface, whatever you need to get through the worst of it. Depending on how you cope in the next while, you may want to consider a short term leave from work. Most psychologists and medical doctors are very willing to write a letter with no details saying that he/she has recommended a medical leave for a time.<p>Do something for yourself everyday, something that you really like. You may really not feel like doing anything and nothing may really, genuinely feel good; but do it anyway. Do not make the mistake of putting 100% of your energies into plan A; keep a small reserve for yourself, to treat yourself well, to show yourself some attention and care, to give yourself the attention you deserve. I had real difficulty with this one, and I basically ignored my needs. The result was very poor health, sleep deprivation, very little self-esteem, and eventually deep depression. Please do not repeat my mistakes! Treat yourself with love and care.<p>As far as your children are concerned, try to keep them buffered from the worst of the trauma. Think about what you want to say to your 15 year old, as she will pick up on the stress and anguished dynamics. Do some reading on this topic, both in Q&As and the notable threads. As for your 6 year old, she is too young to understand. Eventually we had to say something to our 5 year old, so we told her that daddy did something which hurt mommy's feelings terribly; the details were not important for her to know, but we wanted to tell her so she would understand when mommy was sad, tearful, had a headache, or was particularly impatient. We told our child that daddy has apologized and promised not to hurt mommy like that ever again, but that it would take a long time before mommy would stop being very sad. It was a long, long time before we said anything, but it turned out to be much better than having her be confused about my sadness, tearfulness, migraines, and detachment.<p>I bet you are pretty sorry now that you asked for my advice! Pages and pages later, I have now finished my comments on everything that you have written. The only thing I can add, at this stage, is a hyperlink to a thread I wrote at about 7 months in recovery entitled "What I have learned since dday" ( http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=31&t=002839); sometimes, I just needed to read this list over and over and over again in order to put on foot in front of the other and keep walking the road to recovery. I don't know if it will help you at all, but it might be worth having a look.<p>I wish you the very best of luck, much strength, superhuman patience, and loads of hugs!<p>OneDay<p>[ January 05, 2002: Message edited by: OneDay ]</p>

Oneday - THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I can not begin to tell you how much what you have written is helping me. There were questions I had that I could not find out in any of the books I have read, which by the way, I have read everything that has been recommended to me. Thank you!!

notreadytogiveup,<p>You are very welcome. Will you please tell us how things are going, when it is opportune? We would like to hear how things are, how the ending of the A goes, whether you are able to get agreement on a plan, and mostly how you are holding up.<p>I really hope you will come on over to In Recovery and update us.<p>I`ll be thinking of you,<p>OneDay

NRTGU,<p>Hi. I'm going through the same thing as you, although D-day for us was about one month earlier. I have a rather long post on this JFO site under my username: Persistant. I've been in MB counseling for 16-17 months now, and we're relying heavily on MB counseling to get us through recovery period. My wife is in WD now; she is the WS. Several people who have been through this process, some of them even WS's at one point, have responded on my post to try to explain what my wife is going through. And my wife has chosen to be open and honest with me about her feelings, so that's been helpful too (regardless of how much it hurts).<p>If you have not read it yet, immediately buy Surviving an Affair. If your going to do this the MB way, then this is the bible explaining why the affair happened, how to end it, and how to recover. I read some of your posts, and you've gotten some very good advice and good information from OneDay. I am concerned though about your husband's need to end this personally, and the potential for further contact of any kind. Any kind of friendship or whatever between the two after ending the affair will not work. It has to be no-contact, and best delivered by letter. My wife and OM ended affair several times, and family struggles had then turn to each other for support, which just turned back into physical affair.<p>Anyway, I saw a note that you were looking for a no-contact letter. I don't know if one is posted, but there is one in SAA. The recommendation is to send it exactly as worded, which leaves no interpretation and no avenue for further contact. Here it is:
____________________________
OM,<p>I want you to know that out of respect and love for H and DD, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that H did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay H for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me or my family. H is going to know everything. I will tell him if you contact me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.<p>Sincerely,<p>WS
_______________________<p>If your husband truly ends the affair, he WILL go through withdrawal. You need to be able to deal with the resentment during this time. You WILL NOT get any support from him, and how you handle things during this period will affect how your marriage recovers and how long recovery takes. Anyway, buy SAA, read the stuff that others, and I, have posted in my JFO post. Sorry there is some extra stuff on there that you have to wade through - friends that have been helpful to me but sometimes we almost turn that post into a chatroom with their relationship issues.<p>Good luck on it. I cannot overemphasize how valuable real-person counseling is during this period too, and would HIGHLY suggest counseling with either Jennifer or Steve.