My wife and I have been married for 11 years. I am a middle school principal, and my wife has been a homemaker for the past 10 years. I am 35 and she is 32. She is the best mom our kids could hope for and is a real Susie homemaker. This past year she has gone back to school to finish her degree (she took off one semester when we married and it has turned into 11 years). She has sacrificed so much, and is such a good person that what I am gong to tell you does not fit who she is. We have had many people tell us we are the perfect couple, but that is not the reality of our relationship.<p>During our first five years of marriage, I worked very long hours. I coached two to three sports every year, took at least two graduate classes every semester including summers, and ran a small vending business on the side (which caused us to go bankrupt and my wife did not want to do it in the first place, lost $40,000). I am also a very controlling person. I don't do it in a pushy way, I have just always been very good at talking people into doing things my way (works great on the job, but not in a marriage). My wife is a very compliant person, and had a very controlling father. He didn't control by talking you into it; he controlled out of fear. He is a great FIL, but he is a second generation Italian (fits all the stereo types), and he is intense. I love my FIL, but I would never want to live with him.
I also have not been honest with my wife. Mainly about our finances (she gets stressed, so I try and protect her) and over the past couple of years I have been watching inappropriate movies on cable and looking at porn (nude women, the hard stuff I don't like) on line. When she has asked about it I have almost always lied.<p>Five years ago (June 1996) my wife had an affair with a friend she meet at a local health club (WS is very pretty and keeps herself in very good shape running and lifting weights). They had become friends and had sex once. She ended the relationship and a couple of weeks later confessed to me about the affair. I was devastated, but we both wanted to work it out. We still loved each other, and we have two kids that we are both very dedicated to. We began counseling, and made some progress.<p>I did pretty well for the first couple of days, but then I began venting at her. This went on for about one year. I constantly checked up on her and would remind her of what a horrible thing she had done. When I began venting she totally withdrew from me (go figure she would withdraw when I was calling WS a hore, and a B***h, and a lot of other names), her withdrawing made me vent even more. Part of the problem was this was so out of character for her, and I couldn't deal with the contradiction between what I knew about her and what she had done. I also told some of our closest friends and my parents, which made it hard for her to feel comfortable with them. WS is a very private person.<p>At the end of that year I read a letter she had put in the mailbox to be sent to her best friend who she tells everything (8/1997). The subject of the letter was that she was going to end all contact with the OM. Even though she stated in the letter to her friend that they had not had sex again it revealed to me that she had been talking to him behind my back. <p>I loved my kids too much to leave, and I still loved WS so at this point I stayed in the marriage, but pretty much withdrew from the relationship. I didn't vent at her anymore, but I did not show her much affection, nor did I try to meet her needs.<p>Over the next two years we had our ups and downs, but it seemed to be gradually getting better. WS seemed to be trying very hard, and I began to warm up to WS. I was still scared to let myself be vulnerable again, so I started recording our home phone. From listening to the recordings I found that there was another guy. I heard enough to know there had been no sex, and they only talked on the phone, but I was once again devastated. I believe this would qualify as an EA. This was 6/1999.<p>I decided to stay, but I again withdrew. I even started thinking that I would just hang in there until the kids were raised. We had good times together over the next two years, but there has been a tension hanging over us. I have shown no trust in her, and I have put very little effort into meeting her needs. I have done nice things for her, but not what she needs most (conversation, honesty & trustworthiness, and affection).<p>During the past two years, WS seemed to be putting a lot of effort into our marriage, but I remained very guarded. I did not want to be hurt again. Several times she sent cards or notes telling me how much she loved me and appreciated me, and I didn't even acknowledge them. I made attempts from time to time, and thought I was giving her what she needed, but not consistently.<p>Don't get me wrong, we have functioned very well as a couple. Especially with the kids. But there has been very little conversation for her and very little SF for me. When I have taken the time for conversation it has been great, and when she has taken the time for SF it has been great, but both were few and far between. <p>Early this fall she seemed to be trying extra hard. I didn't know how to take it. She was actually approaching me for sex, which through me off. This is going to sound horrible, but I kind of felt like "hey, you have not been meeting my FS for 11 years and now all of a sudden you want me to meet your FS". So, I either refused her advances, or was not very into the act. She now tells me she was devastated.<p>In early November she answered an add for a guy who was married and just wanted to talk online or by phone. This eventually led to sex between them. I first found out about the OM on Dec. 11th when I came home early from work sick. I heard her on the phone, so I picked up the other line. I listened and then confronted WS. She told me they had met online when she answered the add, and that they had only talked on the phone and had never met. She said she would never call him again. I called the OM and he confirmed what she had said. <p>I really didn't know what to believe, so I decided to try and work on our marriage. It was a wake up call that I needed to make some changes. I seemed to respond this time differently. I spent the next couple of weeks showering my wife with kindness, and she seemed to be responding.<p>I wanted to be sure, so I downloaded a program that tracks Internet usage by taking a snapshot of your computer every 30 seconds and then you can later play it back (spector). What I found on January 3rd was horrible. He had written to her describing their sex acts in very graphic detail. Her email back was not sexual, but telling him her feelings for him and calling him her special lover.<p>I confronted WS and we talked for a long time. At first just about how to end the marriage, but it went into how to save our marriage. We still both love each other very much, and we especially love our children now 8 & 10.<p>She called OM and told him it was over and that she wanted him to not contact her. We then went to a counselor and he seemed to think we could do it with a lot of hard work. I wanted to call OM's wife and tell her, but the counselor felt we should use that only if OM makes further attempts to contact WS.<p>Later that day we found MB website, and my wife has been reading it ever since. We have been holding each other and crying and reading for the past three days. In fact it was her idea for me to post on here, and she is going to write a post tomorrow. <p>She has told me that she doesn't understand why she has done these things. She told me it goes against every core value that she holds dear. She says she wants to change and get help with what is causing this. The first PA she just wanted to forget it and move on, this time she seems to be the one most interested in making the changes in her life. She has said that she is just so lonely and wants me to be the person and not OM. She said she is ready to make changes in her life so this will never happen again even if I don't change.<p>When we were in counseling I was saying to the doctor that I can go three to four weeks where my work gets intense and WS and myself have very little time together, and I still feel the same about her. But I said that doesn't seem to be the same for WS, that she needs interaction with me on a regular basis, and WS said "Everyday". Maybe I am stupid, but I did not know she needed conversation everyday. I finally understood that she doesn't need a date night as much as she needs daily connection. Am I thick in the head for not understanding that, or do other men not understand this either?<p>We are both very scared, and we both feel this is our last shot at a happy marriage. We have found a lot of hope in this web site, and need your help. She has admitted to me that she still wants to talk to OM, but that she is not going to. She says that she loves me and not him, but it is a habit that she will need to fight not to do. She came up with what she is going to say if OM calls "we have asked you not to call me or make contact with me, if you do so again we will contact your wife about the affair.<p>My Christmas break ends Monday. I am fearful of going back to work. But, the interesting thing about it is I have not trusted her for the past five years, but his time I do. I think it is because this is the first time she has opened up to me about what she needs and feels, and not just given the facts. Pray for us, and give us advice.<p>Thanks

Some advice<p>Change all your phone numbers. <p>If possible disconnect the internet from your home for about 6 months or so.<p>Make time for her every day no matter how hectic your schedule is. Which is more important your schedule or your marriage?<p>Good luck

Don1966,
Welcome to MB. Learn as much as you can, you have every reason to be afaid of recovery, it is very narrow road. Read up on HNHN and SAA. You could be the man she always wanted, the door is open for you ... the past and the present we can not change but we can change our future.<p>I would call MB and get help from MB directly. Life is too short for this suffering and both of you are already willing. Get counseling on top of what GVT's advice you to do. Download the questionairs and work it out with POJA. Follow the SAA (recovery) to the T's, 4 rule(s); care, protection, time and honesty. There are many travel this road and very happy with their fulfilling M. Even move out of town if WS could not handle it.<p>Good luck and post to the forum to ask questions to help other on your recovery.

redhat,<p>hi, i'm the WS. i've posted my own letter, maybe I should've threaded it with my H's? anyway, a few questions about your reply: what is GVT and POJA? we have downloaded the list of acronyms, but don't see these listed. thank you for your advice and time. my letter is titled "couple needs help-i'm the ws" (just in case you have advise for me as well?). <p>how are things going with you and your wife. i've read your profile. any updates? i feel encouraged by many of the updates on this site. in your opinion, is MB a good tool for recovery? for the WS as well as the BS?
more later, thanks!
ruda

GVT, I short hand Getting very tired (a reply to your H), I am lazy on typing.<p>About other acronyms, follow the fourth link on my signatures. POJA is policy of join agreement, basically a negotiation technique where both party has to agree w/ enthus. Do not let giver or taker rule the negotiation.<p>My WW is still deep in her fog, no sign yet of even coming out of it. She is an extreme giver and so do I. It will take a while before she is out of it. She doesn't want to initiate Dv or separate but don't want to work on M either. i.e she is confused.<p>Good luck, both of you have a good start and keep it up. Probably this MB should be a required subject to take before the get out of high school. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Catch both of you later, I have to go to churh w/ my family minus WW.

I am sorry what you are dealing with. It is absolutely imperative that you and your wife get checked immediately for any possible STD's. The message you came across probably clearly indicated that they did not use safe sex. The fact that she met this OM who advertised in the newspaper indicates that he probably has done this sort of thing before. Please get tested immediately or you may be in for another unpleasant surprise. I wish you luck.

I posted this on the "in recovery" board and will post it here also.<p>Also, my wife did get tested, and it came out negative for any STD's. The OM's e-mail was in the singular, it sounded like the sex was a once or twice event. I know it was sexual, and I read more than it is probably good to know, so I have asked my wife to not tell me anymore about the sexual experience with OM. It is just to painful for me to dwell on.<p>Thanks to all who responded today. I am amazed that you are all so willing to help us through this. I think my wife is getting more out of it than me. I love it that she is really trying so hard.<p>After the first affair we read many of the books that are being suggested, and we went to a great Christian C. We gained all kinds of head knowledge, but we didn't follow the advice. I was so angry at her and could not let go of my pride and do the things that were being suggested. I felt she was responsible for the affair, she should be thrilled that I took her back, and if she wasn't going to act thrilled to be with me then I didn't want her. WS will avoid conflict at all costs, and I was wanting conflict every night. "It had to be resolved now." I wanted a quick fix. When that didn't happen, I stopped trying.<p>I also need to admit that I chose to make spiritual matters fairly private in my home. I have not taken the time to pray with my wife, and have not been doing much but putting up a good front at church to help in my nor in my families spiritual growth. <p>We are both ready to do what it takes to meet each others EN's this time. I am setting aside my pride and arragance and focusing on rebuilding my marriage. <p>Our marriage has not been bad. My BIL lived with us for two years and thinks we have a great marriage. We love each other and even have fun together, but no affection, and very little conversation over the years. When it comes to raising the kids we are a dynomite team. But, I think for my wife it has felt more like a business arrangement than a soulmate. <p>I am going to learn how to be her soulmate!!
Thanks to all.

Don .. You have been given a second chance don,t blow it. We seem to be married to the same women but my life took the other turn and I am now fighting for custody of my three children. I will win but the cost both in dollars and emotions are stagering and you don't want to go there, ever... And it all started at the gym. I can tell you this you need to trust her again and start working on being her best friend you must talk to her evey day and take walks with her. There was a reason she reached out for others and it was simple " You were not there for her" Trust comes back slowly work on making this marriage work if you love her. If she does this again then you need to really start looking at her personality and the reasons behind it. I suspect she was lonely and your marriage became dull. Don;t let that happen plan trips with her and become her best friend. The alternative is not good for the both of you. You were given a chance to fix this marriage go for it. By the way sex is very important if the internet or porn is involved it could very well get in the way of a good sex life and with out that there is no bond. Do you hear me...