hello everyone,<p>my H wrote his letter already. here's mine...i'll try to be brief...<p>this is scary for me since i am the ws, but we are certain that God has led us to this site for a good reason. i hope both i and my H can get the support we need to get our marriage healed. thank you for your time and advise/comments.<p>my record isn't good(read "couple needs help", my H gave a bit of our history), but i am determined to get our marriage relationship healthy. i am also determined to not contact OM again. i am embarassed to confess that this is hard for me. my H is a wonderful father, and is very much in love with me, why do i want anyone else? i have composed a small list of things to do when the urge to contact OM gets overwhelming: call friend, talk to H, get on MB site, pray or read bible, just to name a few. if anyone has other advise on this matter i'd appreciate hearing from you. i don't feel like i am depressed, just need to break the habbit of confiding in OM and replace that with healthy/life-giving choices.<p>i really like the "policy of radical honesty"(i think that is what it's called?) which is explained on this web site. this is what i've always wanted in our marriage. i get hurt when i'm lied to by my H and don't always confront him because i shy away from conflict at any cost(well most of the time [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . i've responded by becoming a bit more distant each time which eventually led my H and i into feeling very unconnected with eachother. very few of my EN's were being met, and probably few of my H's EN's were met as well(though i still tried to be the perfect wife in his eyes without letting down walls). <p>we are seeing a counselor together and i hope to get some counseling alone also. my hope is that this site will get us through from professional visit to professional visit. i am impressed with many of the insiteful/wise people who give advise. i am also impressed with the BS's who put into practice plan A (which is so completely giving), and in return get nothing for months-even years. i want to give as much energy to the healing process as my H is. i don't want him to feel he is doing "all the work". (i have felt like that for a long time in our marriage and wish that on nobody.)<p>we need to get ready for church(sometimes i feel like a hypocrite-leading the good christian life and at the same time seeing OM. but not any more! with God's help, never again!) so i will write more later. i welcome any and all comments.<p>appreciating your prayers!
ruda

Ruda, I would like to say as a BS, Wow [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . I only wish my W could be like you.She is still living w/OM and doesn't know what she wants other than to be happy.<p>You have ended contact w/OM and "know" what you want, and how to get there. I applaud you for the efforts. and I would also like to welcome you to MB, There are ALOT of kind-hearted people out there, from both sides BS and WS who have helped me to this point.<p>I wish you luck in your healing process.<p>God Bless...

ruda,
Welcome to MB. There is no better place to be to save you M other than in MB. Get and read SAA, if you have not already. If you could afford it get help from MB directly. However you had taken a giant leap to end contact and working on your M. I don't know how your H is taking it, but if he is very understanding and willing to work, both of you could change the future, the future w/ fulfilling M, care & loving. Learn the 4 rule(s) of recovery or the 4 gifts of love. Care, protection, time and honesty.<p>Give a no contact letter to OM and show it to your H. Start asking your H, ask his help to protect your weakness and help you to guard it. Also learn MB, filing the 3 questionairs and start work on it.<p>Good luck.

Ruda,<p>The first bit of advice that I think you should consider is getting a marriage counselor (MC) who prescribes to the MB principles. IMHO, nearly any other MC will only serve to further damage your already injured marriage. You can call the counseling center from the home page, and they'll give you the names and numbers of any MC in your area.<p>Many of us wish our WS would see the light as you have. God bless both of you.<p>Kev

hi again,<p>i've posted this on the recovery page, thought i'd also give an update here [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>thanks to you who have taken much valued time away from your families and busy lives to give advise. we have been reading and talking, holding, crying, telling some secrets(yikes!), and listening to eachother. life without love busters? can it be possible? seems like an unattainable goal, but worth a try. anything is better than where we were!<p>a bit more history. i may not have been bored, lonely-yes. we had two children early in our marriage and we decided i should stay home with them. to help out financially, i opened a childcare business in our home. this flurished for 8 years-can you say busy? 6:45am-7pm other children were in our home. i was mostly contained between the walls, or in our yard, except for one daily outing to a park or library. this was hard for me at times, but my children were my focus. i put off my education during this time. often my only adult conversation took place from 4:45am-6am when i would run with my running partner(s). tim was very busy since his career was in the earlier stages. lots of late nights and he often got home after we were all fast asleep. <p>have you ever tried to contact a teacher during the day? now most classrooms have a phone in them, then that was not heard of. H was unreachable unless an emergency. anyway, many of your stories i'm sure are similar. no connecting, no valuing eachother, etc....<p>now our children are in school and i am back to school myself, and working part time. during tax season i will work fulltime and no school. H and i do have a bit more time together now than we used to. now we just need to use it wisely! no LB's, concentrating on EN, etc.... <p>i am still in shock from something H did this afternoon. i was vacuuming, H cam up and took the vacuume from me and said "i'll vacuume. what still needs to be done?" and as we speak he is folding the laundry! yes, applause! applause! i would have loved to have him do this any time. glad he is now willing i can count on one hand how many times he has vacuumed(been married 11yrs)-you ladies out there can relate anyway, just trying to report some of the progress we are making, trying to make. <p>i like the ideas given to us here: walks together, bedside notebooks, what to read, etc... thank you all! we appreciate your prayers.<p>ps 3 day no contact with OM and still counting seems like a small thing to some. for me, huge!<p>ruda

thanks for the update ruda, that is M suppose to be, a glimpse of fullfiling M. OM will be distance memory burried by care, protection, time and honesty [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 06, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

I sent this message to your husband but feel I need to send it to you also. This OM advertised in the newspaper so it is most likely he has engaged in this type of behavior previously. Your husband indicated that he came across an email that described very graphic intimacies between you and the OM. I am guessing that you probably did not use safe sex. Actually there is no such thing as save sex anyway. I implore you and your husband to get tested immediately for any possible STD's or you may be in for another unpleasant surprise. I am amazed that you would put you and husband's health at risk with someone you met in a newspaper advertisement. I wish you guys luck.

Ruda,<p>Just a quick question. Where you aware that your H knew of your affairs? I guess I am asking where you aware of why he was withdrawing from the marriage futher and futher, because of the new revelations?<p>I realize that he found most of this out himself, but I do hope that since the last revelation, that radical honesty has been the watch word in your house.<p>I do think that the POJA may of great benefit to you. Read up on it if you haven't. <p>God Bless,<p>JL

in response to some of your replies:<p>Torizo - thank you very much for the encouragement. i know this road is rocky, but my H and our M are worth it. <p>Redhat - we have read surviving an affair, should probably pull it out again though [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] i really like the 4 gifts of love you mentioned. where can we read up on that? is it part of MB? i haven't seen it yet. we are working on the 3 questionairs-lots of soul searching. i have a hard time figuring out what i am feeling. usually i burry my negative emotions so nobody sees them. (always trying to put my best face forward) so some of the questions are hard for me and take quite a bit of time. thanks for the advice!<p>Bryanp - ouch!!!! that hurt. but, i deserve it, i know! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] thanks for your concern. problem taken care of.<p>Justlearning - we like PORH and POJA & wish we would've learned of them earlier in our M. can't change that-hope to use this in our home from now on and get better at it every day. Yes, i was aware H knew of the affair after it happened. he never let me forget! i have caused so much damage & hurt - i know. both of us are working on forgiving me for that. i wake up daily and have to forgive myself all over again. it's tough. how long until i don't feel like such a horrible person? time will tell i guess. and good choices in the future.<p>today is our first day where everyone returns to Normal daily activities(since dday). i feel like every where i go people see a scarlet 'A' on me. hard to concentrate on the task at hand, but nice to have a distraction at the same time. my H and i have talked on our cell phones many times throughout the day-i think it helps him feel like i am making good choices. (not contacting OM) and i like the conversation. we talk about MB principles and the advice we've been given here. it has helped spark conversation topics that are non-attacking. <p>every minute seems like an hour today. odd how time can become distorted. H is tormented by night mares. any advice for this? i feel terrible and don't know what to do for him? hold him? pretend i'm sleeping? what?<p>blessings to all,
ruda

Ruda,<p>My guess about the nightmares is HOLD HIM. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] The more contact with you the better. They seem to be common and they will fade as the months go by. As for that A on your forehead, it too will go away. You see, I think you need to realize that what you did was very bad, but that doesn't make you a bad person.<p>There is a hugh difference and the more you learn, the more you and H talk and work through this, the more that A will turn into a P for proud. It takes time Ruda. <p>Interestingly the advice is the same for the BS or the WS, Time and patience. Harley points out that time together is crucial as well as communicating.
So keep talking to your H and keep him talking.<p>It seems to me one of the hardest things to understand and get to is to realize that we all have feelings and sometimes they are not what our spouse would like, but we need to learn to accept each other's feelings. Then learn to talk about them with each other in a spirit of helping and friendship.<p>When that happens the Radical Honesty concept becomes much easier, and even fun. <p>Hang in there Ruda, remember no contact with OM and lots with your H.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

justlearning,<p>hold him. ok. i will-was hoping for that one anyway [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
today is 4 days and still counting. will be nice when a day comes along that i forget to count! why is this sooo hard!?!?<p>ruda

ruda,
The 4 gifts of love is chapter 7-10 on SAA. The 4 rules of recovery. William Harley wrote a separate book on this topic. This is the basis of fullfilling M. Protection, Care, Time & Honesty. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]