Please Help!
I teased my husband on New Years Eve that I thought he was having an affair (I really didn't think he was, I was joking!) and he blurted out he was! The shock was so great I fell to my knees cying. The first thing I said to him was I love you, I forgive you, lets work this out then I asked why. I did not yell and scream. I think that was a step in the right direction. He said it wasn't my fault that it wasn't anything I did or did't do. He wants to give me the house and all we have. He also said he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. He told me school was his number one priority right now. I am number two and three.<p> You need a little background first.

He started his first year in vet school in May 2001. It is in another country. He left for school at the end of April. I joined him for July and August and we both came home at the end of August. I met the OW while I was there. They studied together. She wasn't the OW yet, just a friend. I could tell she liked him but he insisted they were friends. I am not sure when their friendship went to the next level.
In August he was looking for a new apartment with his male room mate and her. His male room mate backed out and he was just going to live with her. I told him I did not want him living with her. He said they were just friends. I told him I did not like it but I trusted him. I told him I trusted him completely but I could not stop her from falling in love with him. My mistake. I basically allowed the whole thing to happen. (I know I shouldn't blame myself)
He came back to the states with me for two weeks in August. He returned to school and her in September. When he came home for the first time this Christmas I picked him up at the airport in a stretch limosine. I thought it was weird he didn't want to have sex in the limo or as soon as we got home. We went out to eat. He started acting strange, distant yet hyper. He was nervous. I questioned if it was because of school and pressure and he said yes. Although the first few nights in the bedroom were good he couldn't perform after two days. That was an all time first. He said he was stressed and would go to the doctor. He really started to get quiet and distant.
On New years Eve I went into his history on the computer and noticed pornographic sites. I questioned him if he had something going on the side and he said yes. He told me it wasn't anything I did or didn't do. He said he does not feel 100% with me anymore he feels 100% with her. He eluded to leaving me for her when he said I could have the house and everything we have. He said he didn't understand it but she makes him feel like giving up everything for her. He knows he is wrong and that he is the bad guy. He knew his family and friends would disown him but he din't care. Then he said he was confused and he didn't know what to do. He said she reminded him of me and when I went back home to the states it hurt him. He said she says the things I"ve already said. She likes things for the same reasons I do, Etc. etc. Also, two things she does that I don't are watch football and jog.
He told me he had told his mother on Christmas Eve. He said he could not be in the house and went out with our friends for New Years. He told our friends I didn't feel well. When he went out for New Years Eve. I called his mother, she said she and his father were coming the next morning. I then broke into his e-mail and printed out 3 copies of all their letters. I also called her and calmly wished her a Happy New Year and told her to back off.
The next morning, Tuesday, New Years Day I told him I read their e-mails and I called her. Just as his mother and father showed up. He snapped. He began packing his suitcase to go to her. I hid his wallet, keys and passport. That made it worse. He was insane. He was a trapped animal being attacked by a beehive (his parents). I still was in so much shock I stayed very quiet. I did not yell and attack him, they did it for me. He threatened me and I called the police. He left with our dogs. The police brought him and the dogs back. They then took him to the train station. He rented a car and went to his sister's house. He told her he loved me but he wasn't in love with me. Classic. He is willing to give up everything to be with her and he does not know why. Classic. He spoke to his friends and family for three hours. They were all going beserk and telling him how crazy he is to give up everything. We have been together for 12 years and married for 4 years. No children. Have a beautiful home and we both have worked very hard. Up until this point I felt our life was just about perfect.
Thank God I found this website because I feel empowered. It gives me a better understanding as to what is going on and how to deal. I can now look back on our life and see we do have an excellent relationship but communication IS one of the biggest issues. I can recognize love busters. I wish I could show this website to him to help him understand his behavior. But i know he isn't in the right frame of mind yet.
He went to his family and friends to tell them everything. He knows they will tell me. He said he is not ready to talk to me yet. He needs a few days to settle down and figure out how he is going to call me and tell me if or how he wants to end it. I realize he needs to talk to me, no one else!
He went to the OW Tuesday and Wednesday. He called his sister from there.
On Thursday he went to his sister's house to meet some of his friends and family. They had what I think you call an intervention. But after finding this website I realize no matter what anyone says it just draws him to her. His family said he said he did not want to hurt me it just happened and he does not know why. He wants to prepare himself to talk to me and decide exactly what to say. Again, HE NEEDS TO TALK TO ME!!!!!!
He left with the other woman on a plane to another country on friday. They went back to school together and the semester starts on Monday. <p> He still has not called me to tell me where we stand.<p> On Saturday I found this website and stayed on it all day. After learning so much I feel better for the first time. But I am afraid I am in denial because I am so convinced we will be back together.
I now realize we set ourselves up for this when we agreed I would stay in the states and he would go to Vet school in another country. I also realize before he went to vet school I was not meeting some of his emotional needs. And being so far apart his sexual needs were not met. The OW he said is just like me. I realize she is fulfilling his emotional needs that I was unable to. He was unable to verbalize them to me. I understand he is addicted to her. They have known each other for only six months.
I have asked all family and friends not to contact them. I asked everyone to back off. I asked them that if he calls, to tell him to call me and hang up. I don't think they will. I tried to explain that him talking through them and them telling him what I have said enables the affair.
He needs to call me and tell me where he stands.
Today is Sunday and I have not spoken to him. It has been 7 days since the affair was revieled.<p> I want to know what to say when he does call to tell me he wants to be with her forever. I thought I would use some things I found on this website but I don't want to drive him away. No matter what I say It won't matter. Should I say something like: "I deserve more than this. I deserve respect and a chance to work this out. I refuse to be treated like this by the man I love. If you are upset with our relationship I want us to discuss it as adults and solve this with mutual respect. When you are ready we need to come to grips with what is missing in our marriage and work together."
But is that ok? It sounds like I am making demands which will drive him away. Should I not talk to him at all? I understand they have a good chance of burning each other out especially since they are starting one of the hardest semesters at school tomorrow.
I think the vet school is working in my favor. They both told his family that school was their priority. But after school they would go back to her part of the country and open a clinic together. He would give it all up and maybe the family would accept them back after our divorce. But every one knows I will not divorce him. I refuse to give up. <p> I know I can not reason with him in the frame of mind he is in. But what is the best thing to say to ensure his return?
I am going to therapy tomorrow because it scares me that I am so obsessed with getting him back. I am also concerned that I am not full of rage but only love for him. I know i am in shock. I have not eaten or slept and so i am in a cloud. I can not wait to get this over but I do not know how long I can wait before I collapse. I was a basket case after he left but I am so glad I found this website. <p> Please help what should I say and do to ensure his return? If it seems like I consent to their affair- won't that strengthen their bond? I think I am trying to do the plan A but would plan B work as well? What if she really is exactly like me, only better? Am I being too forgiving?
When he calls it will be the first oportunity for us to talk since he left. How should i handle him?
I probably have gone on too long. Maybe I should not have written so many intimate details. I can not think any more I have to go to bed. Please help me.

Forgiver<p>[ January 07, 2002: Message edited by: Forgiver ]</p>

Forgiver,
Wow! What a shock! But it seems that you have gotten a good handle on yourself...but I must say that I don't think you have any right to ask his family not to talk to him--to refer his calls to you...unless of course, he is calling them to pass messages along. Then, of course, he should be talking to you.<p>I might have missed it, but why exactly is he in another country and you are here? I know about the school but why aren't you there with him? Obviously, as you said, the distance is a great strain on the marriage.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>"I deserve more than this. I deserve respect and a chance to work this out. I refuse to be treated like this by the man I love. If you are upset with our relationship I want us to discuss it as adults and solve this with mutual respect. When you are ready we need to come to grips with what is missing in our marriage and work together." <hr></blockquote> I wouldn't put it so forcefully (I REFUSE to be treated like this...refuse is such a negative word)...I might say something more like "I love you and I think our marriage is worth saving. What can we do to work out our problems?"

DIDDALLAS<p> Thank you so much for responding. The waiting is driving me crazy.

My husband was laid off the day before Christmas Eve last year. We talked about what he wanted to do. I asked him what would make him happy. What did he see himself doing 20 years from now? he said he wanted to go back to school. I told gim to go for his dream that I would do what ever he needed to get through. I fully supported him. I let him leave.
He had applied to vet school in 1993 and got in. He wasn't ready for the commitment. So last year he applied in January and started in April. It has all happened very fast.
He is going to school in another country for several reasons althought the most significant is that it is an accelerated year round program. To complete the program takes three years. This April will be the end of the firstyear. He left in April. I went down July first. I stayed there through August. I was miserable. I was not allowed to work, being an American. I was alone all the time. It is a very small third world country . All I could do was go to the beach everyday and exercise. I know everyone would like to go to the beach everyday and do nothing. But it really was like being in the Tom Hanks movie, Cast Away. I walked lonely dirt roads and admired the beauty of the land. There were goats, cows and monkies all over. There weren't any stores (but i don't like shopping anyway). I would visit the beach everyday. I was the only person on the entire beach for two months. When I went swimming or snorkling I had to watch out for sharks which were all over. It was very scary. If anything happened to me no one would ever know or find me. On one occasion he had a day off and we were alone on the beach all day. We were completely nude and made love all day. There was absolutely no one around. I am wild but not that wild so it was pushing it for me.
After being there we decided I would return home to continue working so we could have some income and start paying off the interest on his loan. I would come down once a month or for a week every other month. Him coming home this December was the first time since we came home together in August. I was going to go down for a week in February.
He said he does not want me to come down there. <p> I did not tell his family they could not talk to him I just asked that they tell him to call me. He tells them everything because he knows they will tell me. Then he does not have to call and tell me.
It is my understanding he is afraid to call me because he does not want to say something more to hurt me. He had to let his anger subside. He is going to call me to tell me he wants to end our marriage. He told his cousin that he wants to stay with the OW forever but that she probably wouldn't. He also said they are together 24/7 and thus they fight on and off. He said when I would call him (before I knew about the A), she would not talk to him for two days. When her boyfriend would call they would fight.
I am counting on the affair ending in six months, as per this websites timeline, from the discovery of the A to their burning out. That brings us to June. I am prepared to move down there in July and stay until he is finished. But she will still be there for two more years. They are in the same classes everyday. Unless one of them fails this semester (I am praying for it). When they fail one class, they have to repeat the entire semester. It is like getting left back.
He said as of right now neither he nor she is moving out. He said he needs her to get through the semester. i know she needs him because he has had straight A's and B's since the start. She was failing out and went to him for toutoring. He helped her pass.
He still hasn't called. If I condone the relationship, won't that solidify it for them? I realize it has to run it's course. I want to share what I have learned from this website with him. But it will fall on deaf ears won't it? Can I tell him he is addicted to her and no matter what anyone says to him right now, it won't work? Please help me with more to say.
Thank you so much.<p>[ January 07, 2002: Message edited by: Forgiver ]</p>