Thius is the 2nd earing I found thats not mine, and the garter is a Large, but my husband seems to have forgotten that I wear an Xsmall. This Christmas he gave me three lingeri outfits, all a size meduim. However this is not the first time I have discovered a peice of clothing that wasn't mine. When I ask my H, He denies knowing anything about it. Tells me that they must be mine, I just forgot I had them. I find them in the wrong places, then he says I must have misplaced it. Why then is there blond hair in your truck,In my SUV, which as far as I know he doesn't drive without me, his work clothes, our bedroom, our livingroom, our kitchen, it's everywhere, more then my dark hair. Yes yours is blond, but it's not that long. Why then is there makeup on his clothes, and perfume, and other subtance's. When I confront him, he'll say thing's like, and tell me what you think please, It's not another woman, or, it's not what you think, I say then what is it, he'l say well I don't know, but it's not that. The topper was when I said look somethings going on with you, maybe it's not another woman, but somethings. After repeatly telling me there wasn't anything going on with him, he says and I quote"So what if there's something going on, it's not hurting anybody" What, what do you mean I said, Im getting hurt, we'er geting hurt. no were not, then tell me whats going on. Nothing I told you, but you just said that so what if there was something going on, no one's getting hurt. Yes he says, but I didn't mean for real, I meant if there were.Now tell me folks, did he say what I thought he just said, what kind of crazy remark was that. What am I suppose to believe. I haven't any family, and friends are far and few,I haven't anywhere to go, and he refuses to leave, however I have been to our Pastor with some of his clothing, cigerette butts, fom inside my kids cearil bix, under the dryer, a makeup brush, under the familyroom sofa pillow, and another earing in my room under my bed that time. A woman who works at the dounut shop saw another woman in his truck, but refuse's to talk to my Pastor. Yet after all this, Im crazy, yep thats what I get from our pastor. tells me to get off my H back about it before I lose him. Good men are hard to find he tells me... What am I going to do. I don't have the money to hire a private eye, and he works all over the state, by his self in construction. The longer this goes on the angryier I get, everyday now just about, theres always something, but Im crazy you know. Should I bring the garder, and earing to the pastor, and try agagin, Im lost, please if anyone can think of what all this is about, then I would love to hear what you have to say. Please could some one explaine what the short abrevations mean, I only know a couple. Thanxs for listening.
Peace,
TruthCer

I'm not sure what to tell you to do when he won't admit it. All of the things you stated clearly point to an affair. I'm pretty scatterbrained, but I would know my own earrings and such from one I'd never seen before. Read about Plan A and Plan B. That's where most everyone starts.

TruthCer,
Welcome to MB. Follow the link below under my signature, there are a lot to learn.<p>Forget about your Pastor. 99.9 % your H has an affair. Learn more about MB, plan A/B, EN, LB and LB$ then decide what you want to do. Do you want to save your M, not this M a better M than this or you want to give it up. You will be up & down riding the roller coaster of your life so it won't be easy.<p>Do not ask or push your H to admitt it. You are beating a dead horse. Instead, keep it quiet for now and don't ask anything about A. Learn, learn and learn about MB. Hang in there and post again for questions.

I think that if I were you, I'd buy one of those small voice-activated cassette recorders and hide it under the bed or in a central location of my house. When we were having problems with our rebellious teenaged daughter, I bugged our house because we were worried that she was having a particular girl over after school (kids were forbidden to have company unless H or I was home). I didn't catch her having company, but I did catch our son having a friend over. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I simply hung a jacket on the hook by the door, with the cassette recorder in a pocket of the jacket. Surprisingly, that little thing picked up on a lot of the activity around our house!<p>Yes, it'd be a lovebuster if your H knows you did it, but you need definitive proof to show yourself that you are NOT crazy. BTW, my H told me I was crazy, etc., too....for over 13 years.<p>Anyway, I would not use this tape (if you manage to record any affair activity) to confront him. I would simply and calmly tell him that I know for a fact that he's having an affair and the truth would help, then I would Plan A, Plan A, and Plan A some more. IMO, just the defensiveness and insults from him would be confirmation enough for me.<p>Redhat is right about the pastor....forget him; he doesn't appear to be supportive of you. You don't need to convince the pastor of anything. You just need to know what's going on so you can plan your life accordingly.<p>[[[[[[[[[[Truthcer]]]]]]]]]]<p>[ January 08, 2002: Message edited by: Lady Clueless ]</p>

TruthCer,<p>It's not fair. RedHat always gets to these things first. RedHat has great advice though, so I guess we can let him slide. <p>I can only give you my thought on what your going through. As with all things in life, take what you need and leave the rest.<p>When I first read your post I saw the pain your in. Then the selfish side came out and said "I want to be TruthCer". Let me explain. It apears your H is still living with you. I would do about anything for that kind of exposure. I am working the best Plan A I can work, but my WW is living with OM.<p>I think I would reconcider the minister thing. He doesn't seem to be much help. I would reccomend reading everything you can get from this site. Also read Surviving an Affair (SAA). I can't make any decisions for you, but I would jump into Plan A as hard and fast as possible, assuming you want to repair your M.<p>RedHat is right. If you want to work through this it will be a rough road, but you will find a great deal of support here. Use this board to work through things you can't elswhere. We have all come here to vent, answers, or to help others, at diffrent times.<p>Our thoughts and prayers are with you.<p>Thanks,
Rev

Can you get access to his cell phone bill? If so, check all the numbers and look for a suspicious one. That is how i found out. When your h is asleep or something, go check the call logs, incoming and outgoing to see who the last calls were from or where they were made to. I found out online with the Sprint account call detail. <p>Get yourself a new church, new pastor,or just even some good sound friends to talk to. God is always there when you need him, and BoY, do you need him.. <p>Good luck,
God Bless,
Julia

"A woman who works at the dounut shop saw another woman in his truck"
A question: was this woman alone ?
Could it be you are married to a crossdresser ?

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: olderandwiser ]</p>

WOW. Olderandwiser's remark was probably meant as a joke, but it hit such an odd cord. Do not discount that without thinking about it. <p>What OW leaves so much stuff around the house unless she wants you to find out and dump him? OK. You haven't dumped him, but you've told him you found this stuff and asked alot of questions. Yet the stuff keeps appearing. Why is he stilling bringing her to your house? Why hasn't he gotten her in line since he doesn't want to tell you about her? <p>What if she lives there too. What if it is your husband in a wig with an garter large enough for a man to wear, are these clip on earings? What if sometimes he doesn't get all of his dress up stuff hidden before you return home?

Hello truth, first of all, don't accuse him anymore. keep a journal, a special box for all "found items" and keep both secret. If you find his clothing with ANYTHING on it, hide it in the box. Start setting aside some money. If you work outside the home, get a new bank account with out his name and start an emergency fund. If he is out of town a lot, don't worry about what he is doing, use that time for sleuthing. Does he have anyone call and check on you when he is away? Is it really to see how you are or to see what you know? Find a new paster, pray for peace and guidance. A man is supposed to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Praying for him and your marriage is good, but don't forget to pray for yourself. It is not being selfish to ask God for help, and it is not giving up on the marriage to take a few measures to protect yourself. How many children do you have? Whose name are the bills and assests in? If you don't work outside the home, get a job. If you need childcare, then get a job at a childcare center. The rates are usually half for employees. This will show him you are not completely dependant upon him for your financial wellbeing. Also, how did he have "company" in your house? Are there any neighbors willing to talk to you? With all of the evidence you have, the affair is a certain. Please go to a doctor and get checked for STD's and talk about antidepressants. You may not need them forever, but they might really help you throught this. Try hard not to take the bait when he plays mind games, and no matter what he says, don't let him know it upsets you. Once he can't upset you with the push of a button, he will start to wonder what is going on. You will have the upper hand then. Let him think you believe everything he says, and then give it a little time and everything will be exposed. Please be careful, if there is any hint of abuse in your relationship, protect yourself and your children. Get help from someone if you are being abused in any way. Study your Bible and pray for peace and guidance. Also, many lawyers offer a free first consultation, you could find out your rights and what you are entitled too for free. I am not pushing for a divorce at all, I just want you to have leverage in this situation. And if you do go to a lawyer, don't tell him. I hope that your husband will change his heart and become a caring, loving man, but I hope you have the strength you need to go through this with as much confidence in yourself as you can muster. These situations are a mess, and I will pray for you and your family.

Willing_To_Work hi,
No it wasn't a joke. The large size garter belt caught my eye and then the woman in the truck.
Your question on the earrings is pertinent.

Hmm...I wouldn't discount that crossdresser possibility. Additionally, three lingerie presents at Christmas but a size medium? Are they stretchy?

[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Hi, I'm with older and wiser and the others. Your H could be a cross-dresser. One of my ex-boyfriends was.<p>I found eye makeup in his medicine cabinet and he confessed about his fixation. He asked me to buy him women's underwear. Yes, I did that for him. I was pretty tolerant and also in love. He moved in with me, and living together killed our relationship. After he moved out, I found all my good expensive Christian Dior silk undies hidden between the mattress and box spring, all stretched out of shape. They were unusable.<p>I'm glad nobody here knows who I am. <p>By the way, do you think the blonde hair is from a wig? Does it feel too slick to be real? Is there a root on it?<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</p>

WTW, Lucks, Bellevue and me that makes 4 people sort of agreeing about this. I wish Truthcer would give us some feedback. I returned to her original post and read carefully.
"The topper was when I said look somethings going on with you, maybe it's not another woman, but somethings. After repeatly telling me there wasn't anything going on with him, he says and I quote"So what if there's something going on, it's not hurting anybody" What, what do you mean I said, Im getting hurt, we'er geting hurt. no were not, then tell me whats going on. Nothing I told you, but you just said that so what if there was something going on, no one's getting hurt. Yes he says, but I didn't mean for real, I meant if there were"
He's admitted there is something and he's too ashamed to say what but it isn't hurting her.
I don't think even a foggy WS could say an affair doesn't hurt the BS.
My conclusion is that this is not an affair. It might not be better but it isn't an affair.

olderandwiser,
<strong>I don't think even a foggy WS could say an affair doesn't hurt the BS.
My conclusion is that this is not an affair. It might not be better but it isn't an affair.</strong>
IMVHO, WS may think that way but it says the opposite in the fog. Some WS really think so !!!!. Just look at other post specially when WS is a man and a womenizer.<p>I agree about the possibilities H is a cross dresser and TrueCer should look into this. However it is just a possibility w/ one of the above reason is faulty.<p>TrueCer, what do you think ?.<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Yep, forget your pastor. There will be a day when you can take concrete evidence to him and give him a lecture about not supporting his flock. Better yet, get a new pastor.<p>It certainly does seem that your H is having an affair. Now why would all that stuff be all over your house? It seems that the blond is loosing an awful lot of hair. This amount of hair loss does not seem natural if a person is just visiting.<p>Maybe olderandwiser is right. Do not discount that. You may even want to tell your H that you have decided that this is all because he is a cross dresser. See what his reaction is. <p>OR…..
Something really strange came to mind. Perhaps you have found some real stuff and your H is putting more hair around to make everyone think you are nuts.. like how did the hair get in your SUV if he is never in there alone? Either you are nuts, you have friend with long blond hair, or he has a longhaired wig (cheap wigs shed a lot), or he is planting it there. Or he is using the SUV for encounters when you are not around. <p>Don’t worry about not being able to afford a detective. They are too expensive and very often don’t get anything useful anyway. Most people cannot afford 24/7 surveillance for an extended period of time.<p>Since it seems that a lot is going on in your home. Some well-placed voice activated tape recorders might work well… under your bed, under the living couch and under the front seat of your SUV. Once you set up the recorders, give him some opportunities to be at home. <p>My sister caught her H and his OW this way. She also did her own investigative work… she rented a car, put on a wig…. Caught them in the parking lot of a motel at lunch… it was a regular ‘date’ for the two of them. If you cannot afford a rental, maybe a friend would swap cars with you. Just sit down the street from your house and watch. Or go to the places he hangs out and watch.<p>There are some rather inexpensive devices at radio shack that you can use to take phone conversations… voice activated again.<p>Do you have access to his cell phone? Cell phone bill? Have you checked you own phone bill?<p>If you start looking, be careful to keep the info to yourself until you know what is really going on. But most of all, before you start this snooping, know what you are going to do with the info. You only need enough to let him know that you are on to him, what ever it turns out to be. It is your right to know what is going on in your life. He is exposing you to all sorts of STD’s.<p>Keep us posted.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=35&t=002312<p>TruthCer posted on this thread today, saying her makeup is missing. Large garter, blonde hair everywhere, makeup sparkles and perfume and makeup on his clothes>>> I bet he is cross-dressing, hence the comments that he is not hurting anyone.<p>Most cross-dressers are heterosexual and married. A crossdresser is someone who enjoys dressing as a member of the gender "opposite" from their birth gender, but has no desire to change their sex permanently. Crossdressing is one form of being transgendered. <p>Crossdressing itself is not considered an illness. However, there are usually many other issues an individual has around crossdressing. These can include the spouse's feelings, the paranoia of being exposed, and shame. These are issues which can cause stress and other problems where a therapist can be helpful. <p>Many spouses can learn to accept, and even to embrace a partner crossdressing. There are numerous "gender friendly" counselors and therapists who work with CDs and their families. There are also support groups for spouses and for family members. <p>I got this info from http://www.ifge.org<p>If he is cross-dressing, he is probably very afraid of telling you. Is there some way you can confront him about this without lovebusting, hard as it might be?<p>Bluebird