I know a lot of you out there think I am stubborn and unteachable, your probably right. I live my life on the defensive, prepared for another blow.<P>Something my counseler has brought to my attention that I guess I realized atleast on some level is that I try to show love by doing things for people, rather than by being loving to people.<P>My H told me I always took care of him, but he never felt taken care of.<P>I wasn't overly popular in school, atleast I wasn't in the "In" crowd, but when it came time to pick people for group projects I was one of the first chosen. Then I would end up doing the project alone, get an A for the entire group, and then after the project I was a nobody again.<P>I keep doing and doing and doing hoping to be appreciated for it. I feel guilty when I do anything for myself, yet get real selfish at times because of the "unfairness" of the guilt.<P>I have never felt love in my marriage so I don't even know what actions to model myself after.<P>My h does not love by doing so I don't feel loved at all. It is hard to feel that he loves by loving because so much of the time I'm ignored, belittled and criticized.<P>Where do I go to learn this?

Hi Easyboo,<P>Have you read all the stuff on Harley's website yet? There is a wealth of information here. If not, that's where you should start. He's also got a good book called His Needs/Her Needs. <P>For both you and your H to feel 'loved' in your marriage, you're going to have to have some serious discussions. You will need to be very honest. Tell your H what he can do (specifically) that will make you feel loved. As well as what he does that makes you feel ignored, belittled, & criticized. These may seem obvious to you, but he may not even realize that what he has been doing is hurting you. And, vice versa. He is going to have to tell you what he needs from you. You guys cannot be expected to read each other's minds. <P>There are lots of excellent books out there. There was a recent thread by NSR titled, "Books...." Check that out.

Essy,<P>Besides the site here and the book by Harley, I strongly suggest you get the book the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I think in that book you may understand what is happening in your relationship with your husband. You will be able to discover what you need and what your husband needs and see how to make it work.<P>Hope this helps?<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<P>

I have His Needs Her Needs. We have read it together cover to cover.<P>I have Give and Take, Surviving an Affair, Love Busters, Your Love and Marriage and Marriage Insurance.<P>Here is my Love by doing again. I'm reading them all. I'm going from topic to topic and reading everything he has to say. I'm reading Power of a Praying Wife, and Women Who Do Too Much. I've also ordered a book that the counseler recommended called The Wisdom of the Enneagram which explains our personality types and how to deal with the ups and downs involved.<P>I realize this isn't necessarily true, but this is what I find myself thinking. I'm "doing" everything I can to learn what to "do", but I'm still not loving him. He's not reading any of the books sois not "doing" anything and therefore doesn't love me.<P>He is trying to treat me better and is apologetic when he degrades me, but isn't appreciative of my efforts because "doing" isn't what he wants. He wants love and I don't know how to give it to him because I can't express it. I fear it is because I don't feel it.<P>If I make a special dinner with a wonderful dessert and have all the laundry done I feel I am showing him love and appreciation. If he ate everything I cooked and complimented me on it and praised me for the effort I put into the dinner, house and laundry I would feel loved. Nothing I did, though would have made him feel loved.<P>

Hi<BR>I agree with Samantha-MI that a really good book for you is "The five love languages" by a Mr Gary Chapman <P>it talks about the five main ways of giving/receiving love which he says are<P>words of affirmation (praise/approval/appreciation)<BR>quality time<BR>receiving gifts<BR>acts of service<BR>physical touch <P>and how each of us tend to want one (or two) WAY more than the others<BR>so if we continually give the wrong one we are somewhat wasting our time and neglecting our partners greatest need<P>for example my husband is a leader (number 8) personality type like your H and believe me they need constant PRAISE and APPRECIATION.<BR>words of affirmation is BIG for my H. He HAS to feel hes the leader in our marriage and is looked up to. Maybe your H belittles you in order to try and feel he's the leader in your marriage? My H does that also, he's trying to <BR>redress the power struggle he feels is going on (that he's no longer on top)when he does it. <P>Nothing makes them feel more loved than being appreciated and praised etc. Any words of affirmation make my H GLOW.<P>In my husband case his second one after appreciation is physical touch. And so he needs to be hugged/regular sex/etc.<P>I could give him notes and gifts day after day, iron his shirts till I was blue in the face, but it would be a waste of my time cos if I also wasnt meeting his main needs they wouldnt mean a thing to him.<P>For me its quality time. <P>Its a great book, try your library first.<P>Ask your h tonite which of those five he wants the most (what makes him happiest). and discuss your top needs as well<P>good luck! <p>[This message has been edited by azure (edited December 13, 1999).]

I have the book and will read it this evening.<P>My H read some of my posts and is very angry with me right now. I wonder if he read this one. I tend to vent and then come to my senses. I don't think he read some of my "come to my senses" posts.<P>I haven't talked to him about it because he is sick and isn't in the mood to talk.<P>I will just keep reading and reading.<P>Should his lack of effort put into learning what we should do be of concern to me? Can he truly feel he already knows what he should be doing to make this work?<P>You see, I want him to show me he loves me through deeds.