Thanks Seahorse, Wucus and Redhat!<p> Thanks so much for the pats on the back and the encouragement. I have been feeling especially good about myself lately.

I have been swinging around to each side of my own 3 sided fence though ... <p> He's coming home yeah! We're gonna work it out! OR.... <p>It's only 3 months don't get your hopes up! It's Over! OR...<p> Wow! I'm fine without him! Maybe he's not the right guy for me after all and there's someone else out there Who will treat me way better!!<p> So I keep running around the fence everyday. But I'm laughing as I go all the way round because I just crack myself up these days. I know I'll be fine. <p> One day at a time. Too soon to give up. don't make any life changing decisions right now, especially when I still have love.
Forgiver

Yeah, I'm there too, but not always as positive as you are, but I'm learning from you, you just gotta keep distracting yourself, right?<p>You must feel so anxious.<p>Thanks for reply to my dream thing, I like your interpretation about driving him around and dropping him off, because I have definitely been feeling that way. I know my pride has a certain amount of voice in that. Don;t want to cut off my nose to spite my face.<p>Liz

Forgiver,<p>Glad you're feeling more positive. That is the place to be. You are absolutely right -- you are going to survive and be happy no matter what decision you make. I believe that is what Plan A is really about -- making you so strong that no matter what happens, you will be able to survive and be happy. <p>Hang in there. Two weeks is not that long after all you have been through. I really think that patience is the best weapon the WS has. If the WS has more patience than the OW, the WS will prevail in the end. <p>Good luck -- you're doing great.

FHO, good point. If all else fails you can think of it as a competition, who has more patience you or her? good analogy!

Thanks FHO and Seahorse!<p> OW is competing against the memories my H has of me/us. Wondering what they are. <p> Oh well! He'll be home in 14 days (maybe). Still have not had contact. this is the longest stretch since he left on D-day. Then he let 2 weeks go by before any contact. I wonder if this 3 weeks thing is a loud and clear message?<p> Not knowing I guess is better than knowing? For right now anyways. I can imagine anything I want. So far i oly have our last conversation and that was good.<p> I just keep busy! Thanks for listening!
Forgiver

How are you going Forgiver? Still hanging in there?

Thanks Seahorse!
Having a hard time actually with no contact. this has been the longest stretch ever. <p> My MIL wants to go after him and make him sorry. Yesterday was her birthday and he never called. If he leaves me, she thinks he's gonna call her for her birthday? Like that is a major thing. I know it is to her. But she feels she is being hurt more than me right now. She says he will always be my son.
I realize now. If this is really over. I can not have anything to do with my inlaws. Tooo painful for me. they will not take that well.<p> To me, i feel like my H is dead. I feel like I will never see him again. SOmehoe I am fine with that. I think I could divorce him at this point as long as i would never ever have to set eyes on him again. To me he would be dead. I just do not know how I would explain to my friensds and family I got a divorce. they have no clue.<p> Yesterday I sat on my bed and I said out loud "I do not love you anymore. I have no love left." I don't know if I believe it or not. Like I said if he never made contact again I think I would be fine. I am very confused.<p> I am trying to think of what it would be like to date again. Very scary.<p> My H comes home in 11 days. I took the wek off of work. I am concerned that I will not hear from him, go to the airport and he will not be there. How do I go back to work and tell my co-workers, he didn't come home? that would be weird but I guess that is what I will have to do. No one at work has ever been through what i am going through and disclosed it to co-workers. How does my marriage end for no apparent reason. I do not want to be the one at work whose H left her for a younger model when no one else has had that happen. I work in a very small town.<p> I know of one woman in the community whose h had an A. He came crawling back and now they have the biggest house in town. One of his ways of repaying her for giving him a second chance.<p> I am thinking about talking to a lawyer about separationa dn divorce. If my h knows he can come back at anytime, he may drag this out for 2 more years. I do not know if I cqan do this.<p> I still have to wait and see if he comes home on the 22.
My only boundary for him will be to get treated for STD. My therapist said any other conditions and I have no consequences. If i demand no contact and he contacts her what would my consequence be? The only thing I can have a consequence for is to withold sex as long as he has STD. I can request respect and to ask him to be sensitive to my needs eventually but what if he refuses? I can ask that he show a sincere desire to repair our marriage but what if he does not? Do I end it at that point? Kick him out?
Thanks for your inquiry.
Forgiver

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Forgiver:
<strong>
I am thinking about talking to a lawyer about separationa dn divorce. If my h knows he can come back at anytime, he may drag this out for 2 more years. I do not know if I cqan do this.<p> I still have to wait and see if he comes home on the 22.
My only boundary for him will be to get treated for STD. My therapist said any other conditions and I have no consequences. If i demand no contact and he contacts her what would my consequence be? The only thing I can have a consequence for is to withold sex as long as he has STD. I can request respect and to ask him to be sensitive to my needs eventually but what if he refuses? I can ask that he show a sincere desire to repair our marriage but what if he does not? Do I end it at that point? Kick him out?
Thanks for your inquiry.
Forgiver</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yes, you should distance yourself from MIL & FIL & SIL ... blood is thicker than water. I distance my self from FIL & youngest BIL but I still in contact w/ other BIL. He help me out last time I was in depression.<p>Yes, you should retain a lawyer... not to file but get everything ready and know your right. Not to get back at him but just in case the wind blow the other way.<p>You know if H is sincere or not. Pray for HIS guidance since HE knows H's heart. You have a choice, pain is given but miserable is optional. You came all the way to do your 50% of the share, now it is up to you to take him or not if he doesn't give his best or commit to M. Remember he comits adultery and you could Dv him. Know your self worth and don't let anyone tell you any different. You are bless with MB knowledge and you know how to protect and care and you long for fullfilling M. It is up to you to get it and H might not be the lucky one but the stupid one.<p>God Bless you -RH-

Thanks so much Redhat and Seahorse,<p> I will talk to a lawyer tomorrow.<p> My MIL lost it. She is so stressed her health took a turn for the worse. She has bad asthma and had to go back on predasone again. That affected her blood sugar levels somehow. So she was not feeling very well at all. She got worse. Went to the Dr. he said she was worse than he thought. She also has very bad pneumonia. She will be in hospital ICU until Tuesday. She is soooooooo stressed over this. When she gets stressed her health gets very bad. My h has no clue. Which makes her feel worse. She says look what he is doing to me. She thinks if she dies that will get him back or make him feel guilty.<p> He actually e-mailed today. What timing. He said he heard his mom was not feeling good. (my sil sent him an e-mail about MIL and my wisdom teeth). He said he has been really busy and blah, blah blah,...."I hope you're Okay!!! Sorry I havn't called about that (my wisdom teeth), I've been real selfish and I'll try to make it up to you. Tests are brutal and I'm trying to hang in. My plan is still to come home on the 23 (Airlines called me to say flight is on the 22nd- what's that about?). I have a bunch of things to take care of here before I come home. PS Thanks for the dog kennel. Sorry i'm not bringing my dog home. I explain when I get home. Thanks for dealing with me.
Love,
WS
Miss you!!!<p> If he is not bringing his dog home I think he has not taken the semester off and will be going back after 4 days of being home.<p> I don't know what to think anymore and I'm tired of second guessing. I wish this was all over. <p> I went rock climbing tonight!! Had a lot of fun. But it is something I need a partner for!!! Hard to find. Maybe once in awhile I can get a friend to go with me. I'm thinking about taking golf lessons. Hire a pro to teach me. And go hit golf balls. I've never done it before. My friends I took climbing tonight want to try skydiving but I'm not ready for that yet.<p>Forgiver

Hi Forgiver,<p>You sound stronger......sorry your MIL is not feeling well. Your H still sounds a bit wobbly. Time will tell and right now you sound like the more stable one. <p>I posted to U on GQII, asking you to e-mail me. I would like your assistance. Would you mind checking out that thread?<p>Thanks,
L.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Forgiver:
<strong> ... I don't know what to think anymore and I'm tired of second guessing. I wish this was all over. </strong><hr></blockquote>
Be prepare for the worst and let it go, you are doing fine. H is in control let him has the steering wheel but you have the choice not to go along. Again, you have been strong and ready, don't give it up for less than 100%. -RH-

{{{{Forgiver}}}}<p>Mate, are u ok? Hang in there. I know the MIL, etc thing is really difficult, I found that out when I got back from holidays. I often wonder how it would all work out if H & I did reconcile what with my dad and his parents putting their two cents worth in. We'd have to move to Mars to get away from them all!! <p>I think you were wise to not tell too many people you know about your M problems. I think I may have told too many as its now hard to find my own "safe place" where noone asks me about what's happening (or tells me what I should be doing).<p>I hear you big time when you talk about not knowing what's going on. I sometimes feel like I'm being tricked somehow, I sense that you feel like that by waiting for him? Just hang in there, I found getting legal advice did help -"forewarned is forearmed". You've come this far, 11 more days won't make much difference in the scheme of things.<p>BTW golf is great, but be warned its addictive and frustrating. There's a saying "everything I need to know about life I learned from golf" - once you play 9 holes of that damned, frustrating, infuriating game you'll understand. Its all good fun!!<p>[ April 14, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>

Hello All,<p> Went out last night with a new group of people. My friend is dating this new guy so she asked me and 2 of our single girlfriends to go out with her and his friends. I was the only married person. What bummer.<p> Everyone knew I was married and my h was away at school and I was Very much off limits. Especially since my friends new BF is a divorced BS. However that did not stop 2 of the guys from lavishing me with attention. It was very flattering. We had alot in common it was very scary but also a comfort. I fear if it does not work out with my H I would not find someone with the same interests as my H had. But last night I saw there were people out there. <p> It was a great eago boost for me but my flags were going off. Watch out for your own A!!!
They kept saying how lucky my H is. Asking -does he know how lucky he is. Can we call him and tell him how lucky he is. (Me thinking I can not even call him if I wanted to... and they want to call him). I told them no actually i do not think he knows how lucky he is. They commended us on being together since we were 17. and to be so strong and so in love after being apart for a year. They were amazed how supportive and giving I was. The one guy did say.. "I wish you the best in everything and I am very envious of your H and your relationship. But God forbid, if it did'nt work out between the two of you and you ever got divorvced would you please call me?" I had to stop myself from asking for his number.<p> After last night I am startingto feel more comfortable about starting over with someone new. Someone that would appreciate ame and not break my heart. I know it is just infatuation in the beginning but it would be nice to go through that and build a new relationship. It is still early since D-day but I think I deserve better than this waiting.<p> My h says he's coming home on the 23. His flight is for the 22. I do not know what to think. My MIL thinks he is just coming home for the week and is not taking the semester off. If that is the case he is giving us 5 days to solve this. And then he is going back to the island. I can not do this for 2 more years. Must talk to a lawyer.
Forgiver

BOy oh boy Forgiver, these H's have a lot to answer for! I don't think there's anything I could say to make it better, I know there's only one person right now who can do that. <p>Please hang in there, I don't know why he lied about the flight, my H did that too, and about who his flat mates are. <p>I'm praying for both of us. God, surely, will get us through this!

Forgiver,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> The one guy did say.. "I wish you the best in everything and I am very envious of your H and your relationship. But God forbid, if it did'nt work out between the two of you and you ever got divorvced would you please call me?" I had to stop myself from asking for his number.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Hey, I am glad there is some booster for you. I almost walked in w/ BE but Orchid & Sing had to bring 2x4 to knock my head. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] . It is comforting that at least you are appreciated even it might be far out from building a relationship.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>It is still early since D-day but I think I deserve better than this waiting.</strong><hr></blockquote>
"You know who much your worth, do not let anyone tell you any different." Loosely quoted from Joy Luck Club.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> My h says he's coming home on the 23. His flight is for the 22. I do not know what to think. My MIL thinks he is just coming home for the week and is not taking the semester off. If that is the case he is giving us 5 days to solve this. And then he is going back to the island. I can not do this for 2 more years. Must talk to a lawyer.</strong><hr></blockquote>
H might comes on 22, do run some errand [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] ... don't tell H you know his flight is 22. Find out why and get some one follow him on 22, use that Ferrari's rent $ to hire proff. PI. They will give you a detail report on where and when and picture/video if you pay extra. For seeking lawye, you did the right thing. Get it all ready and drafted up, ready to be excuted. I regreted that I did not follow Z's advice, I let it linger too long. Too much pain for my 2 D & myself.
-RH-

Thanks Orchid, Seahorse and Redhat,<p> Just came back from therapy. Feel really good about myself. But kind of weird. I feel like my H died a long time ago. I would be fine without him if I never saw him again. Just keep it in my heart that he died.<p> He is coming home in 7 days and I don't know how I feel anymore. I've put so much energy into me and feeling good about plan A. Had little response from H all this time. I would rather not have him come home at this point. Right now I feel like i am such a better person for all this. I gave him so many opportunities. So much freedom and forgiveness, a willingness to work on us- with nothing in return from him. Now i feel like the time has come. He will come home and it is over or it is not.<p> I realize the first three weeks will be withdrawl. But I have worked so hard to be a safe place to come to for so long and he did not take me up on it when my heart ached to have him back. Now my heart is light, because I am happy with me. If he is angry or judgemental or hurtful towards me i do not think I can be as patient as I have been because I realize after all i have done i am worth more than this. I do not know how I am going to be able to take his with drawl and backslides. I think I will be quicker to end it myself. Even though that goes against everything I was. Now, I feel i have waited and changed and if he thinks she is better he does not deserve me. I can not hang on for 2 more years he will miss out.<p> I just hope he realized she was not what he thought she was and she was not worth giving up everything for. I can not live with the thought that at anytime in the future he will do this again because it was so easy to do in the first place. <p> Too late Redhat. I emailed him to let him know the airline told me he was coming home on the 22. I asked if he wanted me to pick him up or was somebody else and I would just see him on Tuesday. I told him I took the day off so let me know. This week he has his brutal finals I know he is very worried and stressed out this week so there will be no contact. I checked the airline and so far he does not have a flight booked back to St. Kitts. He is coming home on the 22 and that is all that is scheduled. But thisngs can change at anytime.<p> Only 7 more days and my world will explode. I hope i make it.
Forgiver

Forgiver,<p>IMHO, talk to Jennifer also schedule time w/ Jennifer Harley the day after he arrived. Your C might not well rehearsh w/ dealing H's withdrawal, POJA and setting boundries.<p>Check if OW is in the flight of the 22nd or earlier, it comes from my distrust of WS. Be smart, there is a reason why he told you the 23rd. H would not missed such an important date. I learned a lot after being deceived for 5 years, I am digging the past records and memories ... it makes sense now.<p>Hang in there ... I will look for your post if trouble comes on the 22nd or probably get Orchid's cell# handy. She knows my number too if you need it. No news we assume it is a great news. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] take your time to update us.<p>-RH-

Forgiver, I'm a novice at this, but I think what you are feeling is "normal" for such an abnormal situation. Look at my recent posts, I feel like giving up a hell of a lot lately. At the moment I don't even want to talk to him-he's emailed me and I can't be bothered to reply, but I still feel sad when I think about what we had and what's gone, all because he couldn't talk to me about our marriage and chose to invest time in another person. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>"Right now I feel like i am such a better person for all this. I gave him so many opportunities. So much freedom and forgiveness, a willingness to work on us- with nothing in return from him. Now i feel like the time has come. He will come home and it is over or it is not." <hr></blockquote>
Damn right you should feel a better person and good about yourself! What you have done is extraordinary - the "road less travelled" so to speak! You have far more strength than he or that OW, don't give up now or let her win (I find it easier to impersonalise it to a competition). I think our H's do know they've given up the best things that ever happened to them! They're just scared little boys at the moment having a dummy spit! Just hang in a little longer-its only a short time in your life. The bad times will pass and then there will be some peace and good times, keep remembering that (and remind me I said that when I have a bad day please!!!!)<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>If he is angry or judgemental or hurtful towards me i do not think I can be as patient as I have been because I realize after all i have done i am worth more than this. I do not know how I am going to be able to take his with drawl and backslides. <hr></blockquote>
Is this a boundary? Its good you are thinking of what MAY happen. Have you got a plan of what you will do/say IF these things happen? <p>WAT gave me a good hint the other day, he said I was giving H too much power and reacting to everything he says. He's right, so I've drawn the line in the sand and said enough, no more waiting around or hanging on every exchange. I just plan my days for me and if I can fit my H in that's just fine. Keep planning for you while H is here, don't give up all you've worked for Forgiver, I'm so proud of you!! <p>I believe you will make it Forgiver. You are my hero and the Plan A pinup girl! Of course you will make it with or without him. I know you're hurting I can "hear" it in your posts, just work with it, ask God for help, it will pass and each time you will be a little stronger.<p>[ April 16, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>

hi,
i should tell you that you are very strong for taking this from your H and still be so positive about yourself, i am not sure i would do the same. but i admire you and your strength.
i wanted to let you know that i have been following your thread and you are in my thots and prayers.anyway, i just wanted to add my two cents, i don't know if it will help, and maybe you already know this since you lived on the island yourself for a semester.i am in an island studying and i am away from my H and it is so hard being away from your loved one in a place like this and there are so many people around me who are cheating on the SP thats its amazing how they even face them when they go back home.
anyway, i wanted to say to you, most people look at it as being in an island achieving your dream what more could you want out of life, the truth is its very hard.it is hard emotionally, academically and sometimes socially, to leave everything you know and everyone you love and be in a different place and still have to strive, it takes a lot of strength. what i have seen here is that most people start out studying with people of the opposite sex and because they are going through the same grueling hours and stress, they get to bond. that is why they end up sleeping together. and for most of them they are not inlove, they need the understanding they get from that person because for the most part everyone else thinks they should be happy and enjoy the island when they actually do not have time to enjoy it. and sometimes its because people cannot handle the stress of school and the stress of no sex for months, and so if there is someone willing to hook up they go ahead, unfortunately it does not end the way they hope it will.
now i know that there is a lot of temptation around here and so i stay away from male study partners and my H has been here to visit me a couple of times because we have talked about the issue and we discuss it often because i have been here since August and i know people who have either broken up or destroyed long term relationships just because when the pressure was high, there was always someone there who totally "understood", now i am not saying you haven't been understanding, i am just warning you that this is where he might be coming from and it might help to express to him that you understand atleast that part even tho nothing excuses his behaviour.
please understand that i am not saying what he did is right, i am trying to help. if this does not help just disregard it.
hW.

Hello Redhat, Seahorse and HappyW,<p> Thanks for all your responses. I have been away because if i come to MB I am tempted to check my e-mail on my other screename. I go for a few days hoping something will be there but so far no luck. Just called the airline, they said he is on the flight for the 22. If I do not hear from him should I just go to the airport or stay home? He never said to pick him up. He just said he was coming home. I thought I would have gotten an e-mail by today. THere still is sunday and Monday. He could wait till the last minute. My MIL said to call on Monday when his flight is in the air and find out if he is on the plane or not.<p> Redhat- I have and appointment with my IC the day after he comes home. My IC said I could come or not. My H could come or not it was up to us. He said to call him that day if I was not coming and he would not charge me for the vist(usually must give 24 hr. notice). I do not want to bombard him with MB when he comes home. I will act according to MB principles but will not educate him in such a state. I checked if OW was on the same flight but she is not. The last call to airlines the girl would not give out info freely. I wonder if they record how many times someone calls to check up on a flight. I have called 4 times over this.<p> Seahorse- THank you for your friendship and words of wisdom. You kep me in check along with Redhat. i would like to take this opportunity to remind you that bad times will pass and there will be many peaceful good times in your future. You really need to hear this right now during such and especially bad time. You are such a strong intelligent, caring person who does not deserve such heartache for so long. Please keep going. You are my partner in this. I feel if Seahorse can make it one more day so can I!!<p> HappyW- Thank you for your first hand insight to my H's situation. I agree will what you said. I encouraged my H to follow his dream knowing it would be very hard for both of us. I have gone to school (not med school) but 75 credits past my masters and I understand the pressures of getting an education. During my schooling my H made sacrifices because I could not spend the time with him I wanted to because of the amount of work. I thought now it was my turn to make the sacrifices. Which I have.
He made it clear that he missed me and he wanted me to be there, but I could not go at the time and we both agreed that if he were alone to start he would just have to think about himself and not worry about me. Once he was settled (after 3months) I would join him for the next 3 years. He made it clear to me on D-day that he went after OW 2 weeks after being there. Not enough pressure to have been built up in 2 weeks to throw 12 years away- IMO. I was ther for him to understand when pressure was high. I took the same classes he was taking in his first semester. Iundersood his course work because of my educational background. I would call him everyday. He would ask me questions about his classes. I told him ways to help him study that helped me when I was taking the same classes. He shared them with his friends. The OW went to my H for help because she was having trouble. My H has gotten mostly A's and some B's since he has been there. Classes were easier thatn he expected. He has always been an excellent student. He is a very generous caring and social person. His house was the hot spot to go and study as well as get a good meal. He often hosted dinner parties-he is and excellent cook. When I went down there. It was made very clear to me he was Mr. Popular and several women were interested in him. It was also made clear they did not care he was married.
My H has had pressure put on him by himself to do well in school. I have always praised him no matter what. He has done excellent thus far and still has time to scuba dive, hike, fish, jog, watch sports and go away with the OW on weekend vacations. All during his busy semster.
I recognized the hardship. Iwas willing to take on my own. I just have a very difficult time being tossed aside and being told i never did anything wrong, that he is living for himself right now with no responsibilities. He said he is enjoying a simple life. No bills or burdens etc. But as we all know that is life and he is milking his fantasy. Because ther will come a tiem when he will have to return to the states and pay off all that money that is being dropped into his account. There are strings attatched to everything he does weather he likes it or not.<p> I hope I have not offended you or been too defensive. Irealize you are in the same position my H was. It seems as if you have your wits about you and you are making a good effort to keep your M strong. Especially if you are here at MB. I wish I had found it a long time ago. I hope your H is as strong as I have been. I do not know your situation. But the pressures and lonliness and lack of sex I have experienced made me a prime candidate. However I did not act on anything because of my love for my H. I realize now I took our M more seriously thatn he did.<p> Whatever your situation I wish you the best and thank you for your prayers and kind words.<p> Only 2 more days and my heart will sing or the healing wounds will be ripped open again.
Wish me luck!
Forgiver