Hello! [[[[Hugs to you all]]]]<p>
Well I think we are on the fast track of the roller coaster. The guy at the controls must be away on a coffee break.<p> Went to kickboxing and then to a bagboxing class. On my way home I stopped at the beach to make phone calls. Called my MIL. She said my Dad was going to come to our house to see my H today. He then changed it and they were suppossed to go out to lunch tomorrow. I told my H I wanted him to tell my dad because it will kill him. But I wasn't sure. I guess Ishould tell them to soften the blow. Like Seahorse said, "Who would they rather hear it from?" I just thought it was something my H had to do. If he was running away from everything that was one thing he could do. My Mom called my MIL to find out what the lunch was about... I mean she has some idea but she wanted more info. My MIL told my Mom my H was having an affair and was leaving me!!!! My MIL was beside herself but my mom FREAKED!! She told my MIL to tell my H NOT TO TELL MY DAD!!! IT WILL KILL HIM!!!! SO my MIL has been calling my H all day but he will not pick up the phone. my MIL told me she warned me. She said my H was a basketcase and this will make him worse. She wanted my H to come home to her. He told her he would stay through the weekend. He told her he went to therapy last night and he told the therapist everything that happened with our talk and that I took it OK. He said my therapist told him that sometimes people fall out of love and that he should leave as soon as possible!!! Now I do not trust my therapist or my H!! Do I go back to that therapist? Or was that my foggy H tellin alien lies? <p> My MIL told me to go home and talk to my h to tell him to lie to my dad. I told her I didn't know what to do.<p> When I got home there was a message on my answering machine ""-----!! Come home now!!!! Get in the car and come home now!!! I just got off the phone with FOrgiver. GEt in the car and come home tonight!!!!" Can you believe that? <p>So..............<p>Guess...........<p>What?..........<p> Is the suspense killing you?.........<p>
HE"S NOT HERE!!!!!! HE packed all (Well some of his stuff) AND HE'S GONE!!!!<p>I must say I am shocked. But I haven't shed a tear. I still can't get over the message on my machine from my MIL.<p> So this was expected. But as I said this rollercoaster is happening a lot faster than I thought!!<p> SO the coward ran back to mommy! No note or anything> He did buy bagels and half and half though. I guess I'll have breakfast in the morning. I can't believe this.. I do not know where to go or what to do except take a shower, watch TV and go to bed to face tomorrow.
I know I have done everything I can and I feel i have done it right. Otherwise I would not feel the way I do right now. I'm OK everybody!!<p> I still think he may come back. I think he came back too soon. But if he does not that is OK because I lost Mr. Hyde when i had been married to Dr. Jeckle. (I married the nice one but lost the lunatic). He has some really big problems that will be running right behind him. All the way to St. Kitts. I guess we won't be getting that "Do-It-Yourself-Seperation-Kit" They must have sold out at Wal-Mart or the HOME DEPOT.<p> Ok guys so where do i go from here? Just day by day I guess. SOrry I won't have very many juicy details to fill you in on over the next few months. And I'm not sure what advice I can give since I'm not exactly a success story. But either Plan A really worked for me or I have a deep rooted surpression of feelings problem. <p> Shouldn't I be hysterical right now? I guess I am not because you all told me this would happen and I prepared. I also know his behavior is common for the fog and confusion. Although it would seem his mind is pretty made up right now. He is flying back May 30th. <p> MAn it really burns me up if my therapist told him poeple fall out of love all the time. You should leave as soon as possible.

Of course he wrote to the OW to tell her he told me it was over and I took it OK. And that he loved her and missed her so much and he was coming back sooner than he had planned. But he's coming back empty handed. No divorce papers and no money. However I think his Mom may give him some cash even though she said she wouldn't. Blood is thicker than water RIGHT GUYS!! <p> That is what I need help with. How do I deal with his family now? I am very angry at his Mom for telling him to come home like that. His sister called but I did not answer. I still have stuff stored at their house I'd like to get back. Our leather couch, stereo etc. Please help me deal with them right now. I really want to LB them. But I fear they will tell him all I know like this website etc. Should I change the locks? He may come back while I am at work to get more stuff. I do not know exactly what he took. <p> I can see where a BS will not take the WS back after going through this and seeing the absolute worst side if them. I can not believe my h is this way. But he is an alien. Help me I'm in love with an alien. Yes I still love him so i can not move on but my LB just got knocked off and the get-away car is speeding to my in-laws house!!<p> Oh No!! I just thought what if my H stops at my parents house on his way home to tell my parents??!!!! It's on the way!! OH NO!! DRIVE GET AWAY CAR DRIVE!!! DRIVE RIGHT PAST MY PARENTS HOUSE!!!
SH**!!!<p> That is all for now. Thanks for your support I could not have gotten through these past few weeks without you all. And thank you so much for your kind words and compliments. They really, really mean alot to me when I am sooo low.
Forgiver

OK Forgiver, calm down, this is not the end just a temporary hitch (I'm starting to sound like WAT now).<p>First of all, don't LB parents or him. Treat them with respect as you have so far. Think of it this way, if you had a son who had run away and come home to you, even if he'd done the wrong thing, you'd just want to protect him wouldn't you? You'd be glad he was home. I know this is not fair on you Forgiver, but that's probably how they feel. He was their son before you were their DIL and it can never be changed.<p>Secondly, I think you need to have a word with that therapist and clarify what was said. If the therapist denies what your H said, then I think you need to tell the therapist how your H took it. Write a letter to back you up later. If the therapist has said that, I would not only get a new therapist, but I would seriously consider complaining to their boss or society. <p>Thirdly you've probably learnt how to cope with the situation and that's why your not hysterical. Either that or you're in shock. Remind yourself its the alien. You loved who your man was, not who he is now, the man you loved never would have done this to you.<p>The fact that he's running away from everyone just proves how scared he is. I actually feel sorry for him, he must be going through hell. However, its no excuse for the way he has treated you, nor should you back down from your plan A or your resolve.<p>I'm not sure where you should go with the parents situation. Your father's going to find out eventually (if he hasn't worked it out already).<p>IMHO if you change the locks you are sending the message that its not his home anymore, but you also need to protect yourself and you know the current situation better than anyone.<p>It sucks that the actions of a person can have such a ripple effect through a whole family. I feel sad this is happening to you.

Forgiver,<p>This is a twisted downward spiral spin of the coaster but I am glad and proud of you that you have not LB'ed a single drop. It is rough but you are not in control you just have to buckle up.<p>About MIL/SIL and so on ... put a distant, don't lend your shoulder, they reconcile w/ H already and they could talk directly to H. For you, don't LB'ed. Show it to them that you are genuine thing !, do not LB'ed. Do not bring any R talk or M talk or future talk. Call them to get your stuff back even before H is back to the island so that there is no missunderstanding on what property is suppose to be taken back. My SIL & FIL also is talking w/ my WW and I think they supporting her !, yes blood is thicker than water or mud. I put a distance to my BIL too. I neither avoiding them nor suplying them with any info. If they call you should pick up the phone, you have nothing to hide or to be ashame of. Held you head high and show them you have dignity and respect to yourself. Do not be manipulated by them such as tell you what to do or to lie and so on. Just refuse to lend your shoulder no more and answer their questions and ask no questions.<p>Is this MC the same one that you thought understood plan A and MB [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] ?. I try to get you to make appt. w/ Jennifer way before your H was back. Go and see him and ask him about it !. If he admitted let him know that he has help to break your marriage and walk away ... revenge is not your Forgiver, have peace within you and let it go.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I can't believe this.. I do not know where to go or what to do except take a shower, watch TV and go to bed to face tomorrow.
I know I have done everything I can and I feel i have done it right. Otherwise I would not feel the way I do right now. I'm OK everybody!!</strong><hr></blockquote>
Let them do what they want to do ... you know your worth and let no one tell you otherwise. You know that MIL/FIL/OW/SIL/WH are all in coaster too and probably get the most stress they ever have in their live but you are the only one who could see it clear and hanging tough. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Ok guys so where do i go from here? Just day by day I guess. SOrry I won't have very many juicy details to fill you in on over the next few months. And I'm not sure what advice I can give since I'm not exactly a success story. But either Plan A really worked for me or I have a deep rooted surpression of feelings problem. </strong><hr></blockquote>
It is your call. I would of write plan B letter and get advice from WAT. Hand it to H a few days before he leave ... As for you ... it is the journey that counts not the destination. I am also not a sucess story, my WW filed Dv on me ... but I 've learned alot and willing to share it with whoever want to read it. Many will seek your experience while they are in plan A ... remember you are plan A poster girl [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] .<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>But I fear they will tell him all I know like this website etc. Should I change the locks? He may come back while I am at work to get more stuff. I do not know exactly what he took.</strong><hr></blockquote>
You have nothing to hide in here ... your part is done !, H could read it if he would like to but all he feels will be your pain !. Most WS will undermine this MB even when they know it. I say most since my WW uses MB's 4 gifts of love for OM and become OW from hell. Bring treasured pictures and letters and legal paper to your office and lock it up there ... any MB materials also. Change the lock only if you think you need protection.<p>Hang in tough !!! -RH-

Seahorse and Redhat nailed it down pretty well.
I agree with them. You have done great. Hold on tight as the rollercoaster does it's thing. We're with you all the way.
SS

Forgiver,<p>I really feel for you. I remember how devestating it was when my H left and I thought he would never return. Hang in there. Unless you have a crystal ball the rest of us would kill for, you never know what will happen.<p>I'm glad to see you still have a sense of humor through all of this. That is great. <p>Here is my $.02. Agree with Seahorse and RH regarding in-laws. You knew this would happen. Be distant but friendly. Get your stuff back. <p>I also agree with RH that it might be a good time for a Plan B letter. You are actually going to be forced into a Plan B once he goes back -- you don't have contact information for him, so will be unable to continue the Plan A. The letter will give him one more thing to think about, when he goes back and lives with her. Remember the OW will LB, especially when she is confident that he has chosen her -- it is very easy to make selfish demands and disrespectful judgments when you are sure of the other person. We were all guilty of those prior to learning the MB way.<p>Great that he will go back without a legal separation, divorce or any $$$$$$. This will be a big LB for her. Don't do anything to speed up those processes. You want your house -- don't give it up without a fight. Drag your feet and do everything to protect yourself. That includes making a list of anything he has already removed from your home. I don't know what state you are in, so don't know the divorce laws, but if you are in a state where everything is split 50/50 -- as most of them now are -- you should get credit for any joint property he has already removed. Same with any $$$$$. Keep really good records here. None of this means that divorce will happen, it just means that you will be protected should that occur.<p>Lastly, regarding your father. This is really hard. Is there some way you can gradually break the news to him? Perhaps you and your mother can do it together and you can show him that you are ok. He is going to find out sooner or later -- you want him to find out in the best way possible. Also, it will be good for you to have all the support you can.<p>We don't care whether you have juicy details or not. Keep posting. We are here to listen. Probably many of the feelings you will be going through are the same we are going through or have been through.<p>Take care.<p>FHO

Forgiver, just hoping your OK. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hello All!
What a night! I am OK but I am exhausted!<p> Came home and had a message from my sister. When I called her she told me she went to see my H and MIL!! She said she could not sleep and she was soo angry at my MIL for telling our mother and for my MIL for telling my H to come home right away. She was ANGRY!! She was out of control with rage but she talked to my brother, asked him to go with her (he would not, asked her not to do anything she would regret or that would make this any more difficult.)<p>She prayed to the Holy Spirit to help her keep calm and not to fly off the handle. She said she scared herself and my H with how calm, cool and collected she was. My sister told my H that she understands when he has a problem he chooses to run. But it kills her that he runs home to his mom because she beats him up with mental cruelty and warefare. She told my H that she was aware that he had said he could never look or talk to anyone in my family again after this. She was there to show him she was an obstacle he had to get over. She came to him to show him my family is not going to treat him the way he thinks they will. She said she did not want our family used as an excuse. She came to him because he ran away and she just wanted to prove to him that my family believes that this is between my H and I. Whatever decision i make down the road, she told him, my family would respect. She told him "If my sister decides to take you back then we will respect that decision and we will treat you with love and respect to show how committed we are to my sister." She told him she was there to try to help him face some of his deamons and realize that it may not be as bad as he thinks and that he could not use our family as an excuse.
She told him he had to make decisions for himself and not have his mother make all his decisions for him. He has spent 31 years doing what his mother wants and not making his own decisions. My sister told his mother that it was not her place to tell my mother. There was a reason I had not told my parents yet. The time was not riht. My MIL felt she had to tell my mother because i was not going to and I was going to make my H do it. She did not want my H responsible for breaking my parents heart. Too late. That is why she called him home. He had called my MIL after she left that message. She would not talk to him. She just kept saying come home now. So he thought something terrible had happened. He did not know why he was going home. If he had know his mother wanted him home to stop him from telling my father my H said he would not have gone home. But he is still there. <p> I have to go. But my parents know. My brother told my father last night. We are all OK and that is what is most important. I will post later tonight or this weekend to fill you in.
Forgiver

Dear Forgiver,
What awesome and powerful love your sister has for you! What she did has got to make some impression on your H. I haven't posted on your thread, though I follow it sometimes - when I first posted here in Feb, someone told me to check out your thread b/c you were so good at plan A - and I have checked up on you from time to time, and seen what good friends and support you have here - I have learned a lot from your thread and feel stronger now than when I started in Feb. I'm sorry your situation has taken this turn, but I'm praying for you, and it could still work out.<p>Just want you to know that I'm rooting for you at this time.
God bless,
Odile

This has got to be a good thing. <p>There is a lot of strength in your family. And you are one of the strongest ones. Keep it up.
SS

Forgiver,<p>God blesses you w/ many supports, specially a very wise sister. She did the right thing by facing him and talking to H directly. One excuse that H could not use no more [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] !!! now H has to face it point blank, H has to face that the decision is his to make for better or for worst ... <p>Just wait, don't call H, don't approach SIL/MIL/FIL at all. Let reality sink into H's thick fog. Go and threat your self something nice ...

Oh Forgiver, I'm so glad your OK, I was really worrying!!<p>Your sister is amazing, you must be an amazing family and you are both a credit to your parents. They must be so proud of the family they have raised. <p>It may be wise to be careful of what you say around the in laws. Obviously MIL is as frightened as your husband is, and is a 'loose canon'. <p>H now has something to think about!!

Hello All,<p> A rainy day here. Perfect sleeping weather, so I slept late. My MIL called and woke me. I did not answer but called her later. She said she was sorry for telling my Mom-(didn't mention anything about calling my h to come home). She was just so worried and sick with grief. i was polite to her but guarded. I did not say I forgive her for what she has doneI just listened and confirmed that I loved her. No one knows what is going to happen. He seems to have made his decision that he is returning to St. Kitts in 2 weeks to be with OW. He does not know what will happen. Thus far he has not done any paper work. He has no money So he will be going ther to get a job and live off of her. He already paid the next 3 months rent for her b/c she complained that he did not give her enough time to get a neew roomate. <p> Apparently she has told him that she is getting hit on by other guys while he is away. A Manipulation perhaps? Well he does not seem to be in a rush to get back. It was pretty interesting, he was e-mailing to a friend down there who apparently has something going on with on of the professors. She told my h " You know you must be in love when you are willing to listen to someone talk about something you really have no interst in and you relly don't care about. Yet you still stay and listen to them go on and and when it is boring you." My h said to her, "I know what you mean, I ahd to listen to OW for the past year." Well isn't that interesting? I guess they have alot to talk about. He said it is easy to talk to her but he forgot to mention he can't stand listening to her. LOL!<p> My MIL said my sister was going to come here to day with my H. When she went to see my H he told her alot of how he feels. My S told him. "I am not like your family. I will not go and tell Forgiver what you have said. You need to go and tell her this for yourself. Your family always tells her what you have said. i will not do that. You have to do it." So he called my sister to ask if she would come home with him. She told him. I waouln not be here, that things have changed. My father now knows and i was going to my parents house to be with them. He said he still wanted to come home a tsometime because I still have his BC (scuba gear). I took his by mistake instead of mine. So he wants to come get it.<p> My Father had called my H to go out to lunch just to see how my H was doing. Not to talk about what was going on. He just wanted to know how school was going and make small talk so my H knew my parents cared about him and whatever was going on between us was between us. He was there as his FIL to let him know e loved and cared about him. Well my father was stood up by my H. (my H went home the night before because his mom called him home to stop him from going out with my dad.) So my Father called my brother and asked him "Did I do something wrong. Is WS mad at me or what is going on? We had plans to go out today to just talk about small talk and he stood me up. Why wouldn't he at least call?" My brother held out as long as he could and then my dad came out and said it "He's having an A isnt' he?" My brother told him in the most gentle way as possible and tried to explain that I had not told him to try to spare him and because I did not know what exactly was going on or what was happeneing. My Dad took it terribly and was devsetated but he was even more angry when it came out that my Mom knew and had asked my MIL to tell my H not to tell my Dad> That was when I thought my Dad was going to have a stroke. He flipped!! He was so angry that my mom thought he could not handle the truth. He thought my mom thought he would kill my H. Which was not the case. But he was so angry at my mom. Which made me so angry at my H because here my dad was mad at my mom when he should be mad at my H. My mom was hysterical. I begged my dad not to be angry with me or my mom but rather at my H. I told him it was wrong of us to judge my father not being capable of handling this information but we did it out of love for him. We only wanted to protect him from anymore heartache. That I realize was a preety hard blow to my Dad's ego to have a these people think he could not handle this. But my dad was angry that he could of gotten a chance to at least see and speak to my H. My h was willing to go and meet with my dad but that opportunity was taken away by my MIL and Mom. That made him angry. <p> I wanted them to know the most improtant thing was that I am OK. They could not understand how i was taking this so well. I explained it had everything to do with you here at MB. I tried to explained some of what I have learned but it is too soon for them to take this all in. I will share my books with them to try to help them understand what is happening, may happen and what has already happened. They are still thinking my h is logical. How can he do this or say that when this or that has been done etc. That does not make sense.. They do not grasp the alien concept yet. they are thinking logical and reacting to who my H used to be. Nothing makes sense. I have to try to help them understand. I am going ther today to have dinner with them and to talk some more. They are really devestated. They have had a difficult life with my oldest brother dying at 21 and my other brother and sister had their share of problems. I am their baby who has been fortunate to have a fulfilling wonderful life that I am very thankful for. They are devestated that I have to go through this and that I have gone through it without them for so long. I was only trying to spare them. Which makes it hard. Because isee thewrong in that. Just like the WS who tries to spare the BS. It is being judgemental and belittling them to think they can not handle the truth. I truly thought my Dad would die. He still may I just don't know when but I hope it is not over this.<p> So I hope you are all doing well. i still go day by day. today I will go see my parents. Tomorrow I may have to see my his he comes for his BC. But it is not here so he will have to come back another time. i can not get it until Monday.
I thank you for everything and pray for us all. My LB$ has had a tremendous withfrawl and i am not sure where my heart is right now. If he was sincere and came back tomorrow I would take him. But I do not know. All i do know is that I have to wait. Despite him wanting me to go for the papers. That is too easy i will let him do all the work I have done my share and now I draw the line in the sand it is up to him to do something. I will be back tomorrow. Take care.
Forgiver

Forgiver,<p>This is a 'coaster ride ... you are ready but not everyone else ... The best thing you could do for your parent is that to show them that you will be fine w/ or w/o H !. You have try your best and it is up to H to make the right decision.<p>OW is LB'ed by talking "other guys", it show her insecurities ... and also your H's insecurities too [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . In Love based on Lust not Love [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I thank you for everything and pray for us all. My LB$ has had a tremendous withfrawl and i am not sure where my heart is right now. If he was sincere and came back tomorrow I would take him. But I do not know. All i do know is that I have to wait. Despite him wanting me to go for the papers. That is too easy i will let him do all the work I have done my share and now I draw the line in the sand it is up to him to do something. I will be back tomorrow. Take care.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Yes, it is hard but you do something by waiting ... you are being patience and giving time to your plan A to work out. Remember make it safe environment ... NO LB'ed no matter what. Your H doesn't realize that the longer he pulls this acts the harder to get recover your M, he has to work harder !!!.<p>[ May 18, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Hi Forgiver, its been a hard road, hasn't it? <p>Let OW cook in her own stew, she's doing everything right (I mean withdrawing from H's LB)<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Well isn't that interesting? I guess they have alot to talk about. He said it is easy to talk to her but he forgot to mention he can't stand listening to her. LOL! <hr></blockquote><p>See, it wasn't all sunshine in St Kitts! There is some holes in the fog.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> He said he still wanted to come home a tsometime because I still have his BC (scuba gear). I took his by mistake instead of mine. So he wants to come get it.<hr></blockquote><p>This is a good excuse to come and see you without seeming like he wants to see you.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> My brother held out as long as he could and then my dad came out and said it "He's having an A isnt' he?" <hr></blockquote> <p>Dad's know everything. My dad knew too.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>They are devestated that I have to go through this and that I have gone through it without them for so long. I was only trying to spare them. Which makes it hard. Because isee thewrong in that. Just like the WS who tries to spare the BS. It is being judgemental and belittling them to think they can not handle the truth. I truly thought my Dad would die. He still may I just don't know when but I hope it is not over this. <hr></blockquote><p>Yes, but you did it out of love, Forgiver, you have learnt your lesson, now you have to let it go and forgive yourself. You didn't do it to intentionally mislead or hurt him. We will all pray for your dad. <p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> My LB$ has had a tremendous withfrawl and i am not sure where my heart is right now. If he was sincere and came back tomorrow I would take him. But I do not know. All i do know is that I have to wait. <hr></blockquote><p>Yep, we all know this feeling. The BS' mantra "WAIT" "WAIT".

Hi Forgiver, noted on your post to me that H is coming back again. I guess that's good?<p>I hope everything goes OK? It really hurts when they keep coming and going. <p>Hope all is well with your mum and dad.

Hi Seahorse!<p>Thanks! Yeah. He is coming back according to his mom. But his mind id made up. I think he is coming to get his BC and some other stuff. Not to do anything about us. He may bring separation papers or D papers but I am not signing anything. He can go back empty handed.<p> I got an e-mail from a friend that he was in the city with a bunch of our friends and they all had a great time. She said she wished i was with them. I wonder what he told them. Unless he told them they do not know. They said they would call me this week. I guess I will tell them th truth then. Oh well.
How are things going with you?
Redhat any update?
WAT- Where can I look for a plan B letter? I guess I should start writing that to give to my H when he comes right?<p>Talk to you soon.
Forgiver

Forgiver,<p>Thanks for asking ... My WW moved earlier this month and OM spend over there when my 2 D with me. I got busted placing a VOR tape recorder [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] I did it just for the fact that I would gather information as much as I can to give it to Social Worker the end of next month for permanent custody evaluation. Some of the tape made my stomach crun sooo bad but I need to know. For instance they plan to get M by the end of the year, while WW telling my 2 D that she never will do that ... I will "use it" against my WW that if she pushes it she will be sorry. I will give them "the package" early since WW put my 2 D in the middle. I do not think they will want to go w/ my WW at all if they take a peek at it. I might approach her to give out some equity to let my 2 D stay with me more than this ... it is killing me when I have to sleep by myself. Other than that .... wait ... wait ... but waiting it self is a very hard work :mad . Oh, OM will be divorec by early June ... I am waiting for that too, he did postpone it earlier from April to June ... we will see.<p>
Do a search on plan B in this site you will see it alot of them or just take it from SAA.<p>Good Luck -RH-

Hi Forgiver, you are very patient and loving. Good luck I will keep watching and praying for God to guide us

There are sample Plan B letters floating around the forum. I'll share mine when I get back to my office on Friday (5/24). Most folks start with the sample in SAA - I did (of course, I'm now divorced [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ). You may want to start a new thread on this topic on GQII asking for samples.<p>WAT

I was able to find this sooner than I expected. Hope it helps:<p>Dear <W>, <p>As I've said before, I still love you and want a chance to repair our relationship. This is despite knowing about your relationship with <OM>. I am painfully aware that I was not meeting your needs as a husband and I apologize for my part in creating an environment that helped make your relationship with <OM> possible. <p>I have grown tremendously from this experience and I ask you to look back over the period and see the changes for yourself. As you know, <son> and I are closer than ever and I acknowledge that I did not always show him the respect he deserved. He and I now have the relationship we should have. He has told me he loves me more than ever before.<p>I have looked at myself from your perspective and have recognized that my emotional outbursts of the past were judgmental, insensitive, and counterproductive. No, I'm not perfect, but I believe I have made a significant improvement since we became separated. I have a new appreciation for your need to be able to freely express yourself without hesitation. You can feel safe voicing your anger and concerns. Whatever happens to us, these changes are permanent in me and I am a better person because of them. In addition, I have worked with a counselor to improve my understanding of other's feelings and with a separate counselor to deal with my grief over the loss of <deceased son> and our separation. I feel much better about myself as a person and as an individual, I am strong and well along in my recovery. I am excited about my future.<p>During this experience my efforts have been on changing me, not on blaming anyone else expecting them to change. I am the only person I can change. I know I have other improvements to make - and you can help me. Similarly, I can be the best person to help you make changes - if you allow me in. In short, I will avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and we can create a new life for the three of us that will meet all of our needs. It won't happen overnight and it'll take a lot of work, but we owe it to <son> to try hard to make it work. Choosing not to try may seem to be the easy way out, but it leaves the same problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones.<p>But we cannot begin recovery as a family until you end your relationship with <OM> once and for all - and maintain no contact.<p>Until then, I will minimize all contact with you. Please only initiate communication with me that is absolutely necessary and then only via e-mail or voice mail. <Son> or <au pair> will answer the phone if you call. Of course, in case of an emergency, I will suspend this request. I realize <son's> needs may require direct contact from time to time, but I will minimize this and I ask you to do the same. I ask you not to enter our house unless I ask you to. On occasions when you come to pick up <son>, please call ahead and remain outside when you arrive. I will also not be able to help you financially. You will receive more frequent financial summaries from me and I request you not delay in providing repayment. Any time I owe you money, I will pay promptly.<p>I ask you to respect my decision to isolate myself from you in this way. You may not know about the pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with <OM> and I simply cannot associate with you any longer until you end this permanently. I can't fight for our marriage alone anymore. I am weary. I still love you, but I cannot see or talk to you under these conditions any longer. Please do not perceive this as an ultimatum or a threat. Simply put, I am now separating from you in order to protect myself from further pain and to protect my love for you.<p>But I'd much rather rebuild our relationship. <Son> and I are the two men who together can help you become happy for the rest of your life. We are a permanent reality, here for the long haul, and we have a lot of good memories for the foundation of a family. We also have the bond created by hardship that no one else can replace. Similarly, you can make the two of us very, very happy. We want you and need you. I will support any need you have in a non-judgmental way when or if you decide to recommit to our marriage. You can come to me in safety, knowing I will embrace you. Even if you're not sure, I will understand and provide empathy.<p>As soon as you are willing to completely and permanently sever your relationship with <OM>, I will be willing to talk about our future, and the future of our family. Most importantly, I will help you with your struggle to resolve what has occurred in a non-judgmental, caring way. This will enable us to rebuild our marriage, to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then, there will never be a need for us to separate or to have "friends" other than each other again. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. <p>I have spent my whole life loving you. The first 26 years I spent looking for you and the next 20+ I spent with you. This last year I have searched again, and concluded I was right the first time. I loved you when God first brought us together and I love you right up to this day. I just cannot be around you or pretend to be friends as long as you are involved with <OM> and you continue to deny what has occurred.<p>I am sending a copy of this letter to <OM> so that it is clear to him that I want to restore our marriage.<p>I love you,
WAT