Hi Forgiver, so great to see you again!!!!

My doggy is doing ok, had his first chemo today - you would never think it, he's one tough cookie! (He's got to be in this house).

Are you still in your house? How is your job?

Come back soon and tell us how/what your up to!

Hi Relate, Still Seeking and Seahorse, and Everyone else!

Thanks for stopping by! Things are going well keeping busy non-stop. My work is great. I have a fantastic class. I have not been staying as late as I used to. Instead I leave earlier and have gotten involved in more activities. I have continued the kickboxing and working out. I also am currently taking a pottery class- something I've never done or been too interested in. But it is nice socializing and quite theraputic. I go with a girlfriend of mine. She has agreed to take swing dancing lessons with me if I take belly dancing with her. If Seahorse can do it- so can I! Ha! Ha! Other classes are massage- we agreed to be each others partners and a cooking class.
My MIL and SIL still call from time to time. (Speaking of... she just called as I write this.) My MIL wants me to come and visit. She keeps asking when I will see her and pleading not to abandon her. Apparently my H has told his parents not to call him. He will call them when he is ready to talk. So they have not spoken for several months. My SIL recently got a computer so I suspect she is communicating with my H via e-mail. I really do not feel comfortable talking with them anymore since they are always asking when I am coming to visit. Luckily with my schedule I am pretty booked with classes and visiting friends and family on weekends. It makes me uncomfortable to have to tell them I'm not sure when I'll be able to come. I fear telling them "You know what, I am really uncomfortable being in your town and your house etc."

I am trying to move on with my life. To me my H died. It is sick I guess but that is how I deal with it. I have not heard or spoken to him since he left in May. I have been going through my saddness and anger and trying to channel it in a more positive way. I really have not been feeling too down about my situation. Although I have not really done anything to change it either. Not because I don't want to but because I fear the shift it will have in my living conditions.
As of now I am still living in my house and doing fine supporting myself.

I have been having some odd feelings lately that I attribute to this time of year. I am notorious for loving Halloween and have always had big parties to celebrate it. This year I have been invited to so many and I have kind of lost my gusto for it. The main reason being is that I was married on Halloween. It would have been five years next week.

So I am not sure what these feelings I am haveing are right now -I am a bit confused. There is no chance to save my M. I know I deserve better. My H told me that himself. Tonight I read a thread that had the quote "When someone tells you you are too good for them they are probably right- Believe them." I believe that now.

I am trying to convince myself that I will not allow my H to take away the fun I used to have during this holiday season. But as you all know the holidays are probably the hardest part of the year. I just didn't think my anniversary would affect me this much after all I have been through. I have been working so hard to put everything behind me and move on. A regular day is just fine. But ut seems as if my anniversary will be a bit tough to get through. Everyone at work still talks about how my wedding was the best they had ever been to. It was great- A very formal black tie event. But I had a masqurade so it was quite mysterious. People had soo much fun. And so did I! We had creatively carved pumpkins and at midnight my H and I did the tango. I changed into a little black dress and we did a stunning routine to the song "Jealousy". We had taken Tango lessons for months and even hired a private instructor to create a routine for us. I am fine talking about it with my co-workers and it makes me happy that they still talk about it five years later. I just tell them "Well, just think if you had that much fun at my first wedding, imagine the blast you will have at my second!"

In reading the other boards alot of people say they can not even imagine being in another relationship. There is no way they want one now. And they have been divorced for over a year! I can't imagine that. I know I am not ready for a realtionship now but I yearn to share my life with someone. I'm only 30. I guess with the opportunity of having children being taken away- I now want to have children. I don't want them tomorrow or even in the next few years but I know I do want them. So in a sense my clock is ticking. I know I have to wait and have closure to this R. But I feel guilty about wanting to be in a relationship again when everyone else here has such strong feelings about not wanting to be with anyone but their WS.

I have been trying to do the right thing and keep busy, discovering more about myself and loving it! I continue counseling although I only go every three weeks now. My therapist says I have been adjusting excellently and he continues to guide me in getting to rediscover myself. I am totally into that. But I do feel lonely sometimes. And being a very affaectionate person I miss just cuddling on the couch watching TV. My dogs don't do it for me. They kinda smell bad too. I don't know I guess I am rambling now. Sorry I went on so long.

I hope you are all doing well and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
Forgiver

Hi Forgiver, I'm so happy to see you back today. I empathise with you about the anniversary. Even after what has happened you would not be human if it didn't make you a little sad. I will be thinking of you that day, just do the best you can, five minutes at a time if you have to.

Go the bellydancing! Fantastic! I've taken up street Latin again, but at a sydney dance company (very swank), the teacher is FABULOUS and most people don't have partners, so I don't feel so bad. It is real street Latin, and I am sold on it.

I've done pottery before too and loved it, it is very relaxing and much like meditating.

I'm glad to here you are going through as well as you can. I too am lonely and would like someone to share such things as cuddles with. As each day passes for me a little more hope dies. I feel more and more disrespected and more and more like starting over with someone new.

I hope you find your true love Forgiver and that he is as wonderful as you are. You have amazing strength.

Come back soon.
SH

<small>[ October 26, 2002, 05:39 AM: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</small>

Hi Forgiver,
I am very happy when I read your posts now. Not because you are in a good situation, but because you are headed twords one.

You know what needs to be done, and are doing it. We can't do any better than that in our lives. I am 47 years old this year, W and I have 8 children. I have traveled the road you hope to travel. I spend a lot of time trying to improve myself and it is sad sometimes that I need so much improvement ( hurts my W's feelings.) BUT, we have many very happy times, more happy than sad. You are heading into some of the best years of your life, I am glad you have a good attitude about things, I believe you will be very happy. I can say that if you trust in God and do what you know to be right, he guides you, protects you, and life is very good. Not that you won't have problems, but that you will get through them knowing you did the right thing, and learning in the process. I don't know why we have the troubles we do, but I know that every bad thing that happens can be turned to good if our heart is right with God and we do our best. Things really can be as good in a marriage as DR Harley says they can, I know from personal experiance.

I find I don't worry about you at all now, I have a good feeling when I think of your future, I really believe you will make right choices and find the happiness you seek. - but that doesn't mean you can stop being careful with your feelings.

Now, how about some hard data. Where are you with the lawyers, and why won't you communicate with inlaws? MIL may really like you, I suggest at least you send them a note telling them you are moving on with your life and thanking them for their concern but telling them you can't see a need to contact them any longer. They may not have done things exactly right but they are not to blame for H's decisions.

Sorry, just had to throw that in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SS

Hi Seahorse and Still Seeking!

Thank you for your kind words. Seahorse, hang in there. I always tell you that but it is how I feel. Two more weeks is nothing in the scheme of things. Even though a minute can feel like agony sometimes.

Still Seeking. Thank you so much for your kindness and insight. I may have misled you unintentionally. I do communicate with my inlaws. On a weekly basis. But I have sold my MIL so much on MB that she believes the A will die a natural death and we will have a stronger M than before. She does not understand how Plan b depletes the LB deposits and how I have come to a point where I do not want to save my M any longer. I can not do it on my own. My MIL thinks I will wait forever for her son to come back to me. I have gone to 6 lawyers and have made my decision. But I do not feel comfortable telling my MIL yet because I need to break it to her gently to try to keep her from turning on me. She says no one can expect me to do anymore than I have already done. There is nothing left for me to do. She just tells me to be patient and give him time. He is still confused but she feels the A is almost over. H will be back to me in a few months, just keep waiting. My FIL said my h called them for the first time in several months (he told them to stop calling him, he would call them when he wanted to tlk to them.) My FIL told me my H asked about me for the first time in 5 months.

I tell them all the great things I am doing and that I am very happy. I am going on with my life. I do not ask her questions about him or talk about him. When she tells me something I just say "That's nice." So I do keep in touch with the inlaws and we still end the phone calls with "I love you." I just have to wait until I have everything lined up before I tell them my plans.
I am sorry I don't feel confortable divulging lawyer info here but I am not sure who is lurking. Not sure if my SIL or H may be here. Not sure if they remember this webaddress. So I limit my info. Once they know more I will let you in on more.

Today is my 5 year anniversary. H sent the first e-mail since July 1st. First contact since then. It was a Blue moutain Halloween card that said. "I hope you are doing well. I am sure you are, you are a strong person. Happy Halloween Love, Me" That was it. I did not respond or send him anything. I never will.

Thanks again for your time and input.
Forgiver

Hi Forgiver, I am thinking of you. I know it is your anniversary. God Bless.
SH

Thank you Seahorse!

My Anniversary was harder to deal with as it got closer. But once it was here, I delt with it fine. To me it was more Halloween than my Anniversary. I still love the holiday and have been going to several parties. Dressed as a french maid no less! All in good taste don't worry.

Spoke to my MIL today. She says she will never be happy until H and I are back together and happy again. She said she realized he was still confused but as she read between the lines in their conversation, she thought the A was over and he would be coming home for Christmas. She knows he has a lot to make up for and a lot of work for us but we can do it- so she says. How do I let her know that I do not want to take him back without having her turn on me? I have been stalling as long as I can until the lawyers get rolling. I want to tell her once he has been sent the papers. If I say to her "It is obvious to me that H does not want to repair our M after the way he has delt with this situation over the past year. I have come to the point where I no longer want to work on my M and would rather end it and start over on my own. I have been hurt far too much by now." She would freak because to her he is coming home to start to work on our M in Dec- although that is her interpretation. That is not what he said. To her it is all about to get better. He told her he knew he came home too soon in May and he does not want to make that mistake again. In Dec he would only be home for a week or so and then back on that dirty rock.

My H told her it really bothered him that she was taking my side throughout all of this and she was not supporting him. She told him she took my side because I didn't do anything wrong. She told him the OW was a bi*** who wanted to get something out of him and she brain washed him. He asked what that made him and she told him he was a bast***. (Being his mother she blames a lot on OW and not her son. Although she always hammers home that he is wrong. He created this mess and he has to get himself out of it.)

The OW told my H that she deserved more respect from him and his family! Can you believe that? I told my MIL that obviously he didn't respect the OW, me or even his own mother. He doen't respect any women in his life -he is strictly out for himself. The OW's request is what my MIL thinks ended the A. But again that is her thought. No confirmation from him. He said it was over back in February or March I recall and it wasn't. I do not believe anything he says anyway.

I also can't believe it is coming up on a year since D-day. It has gone so fast -I can not believe all I have done and all the changes I have made in me. I am so happy now. Even though I am on my own. I know I hold the keys to my own happiness and I do not need someone else to make me happy. Having someone else to share it with only enhances happiness. Someday I hope to share who I have become with someone more deserving. I tried to explain to my MIL that her happiness should not hinge upon my H and I. She should not wait to be happy because what she is waiting for may never happen. She got upset and questioned whether she can have hope at this point. I told her of course she can hope but sometimes, many times you do not get what you hope for. You get something different and sometimes something better.

She said my H said he was doing poorly in a class and she suggested he come home for Christmas so he wouldn't be so stressed out. (Impossible to go home to his mom and not be stressed! She pushes all his buttons.) He said he may come home, he was not sure. She told him he could come home to her and if he wanted to come and see me he could! ( Why is she giving him permission?) He said he wanted to come and see me. Hello? No one asked me if I wanted him to come here. And if they did I would say I would rather not see him. But does that make me just as bad as him? Now I am avoiding him.

Should I see him? Every fiber in me screams "NOOOO!!" I do not want to see him I just want this over with. But how do I present that to him besides through a lawyer? Should I e-mail him close to when he is coming home? Does he have a right to come into my home even if I am not here?

Not seeing or hearing from him for so long has sealed his fate. It is written in stone. The treatment and callousness I have been delt this past year are too much for me to forgive or over look at this point. I will never trust him again. I would rather not see him ever again and just start my life over. Who knows if he is even coming. I hate starting this waiting, guessing game thing again. It was easier with no contact. My LB has emptied. How do I speak to him now? "I'm sorry but the way you have treated me over the course of this past year was too hurtful for me to forgive you and take you back."

Any input? Redhat? WAT? Seahorse? Orchid? Still Seeking? Anyone? Anyone?
Please tell me what to say.
Forgiver

Forgiver,

You know what to say .... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[b]Should I see him? Every fiber in me screams "NOOOO!!" I do not want to see him I just want this over with. But how do I present that to him besides through a lawyer? Should I e-mail him close to when he is coming home? Does he have a right to come into my home even if I am not here?[/qb]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are in plan B and you have served him plan B letter ... follow it through. NC until he is ending A properly and willing to work on M. By then you might not even interested no more to work on M, it is your choice. No email, no phone call, only via your lawyer. He has no right coming home ... he left !!!. I would change the lock of the house !!!.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>How do I speak to him now? "I'm sorry but the way you have treated me over the course of this past year was too hurtful for me to forgive you and take you back."</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't speak to H and he might not even try. If H want to come back it is up to you to take H back ... I would not talk to H, send H to Jennifer (if you want to try) or send Dv paper to him. Either way you have to sit down and think about it. If you are dead set to Dv him then it is his losses. If you want to try, you have to make a list of ammends that will satisfy you to rebuild your trust ... send H to Jennifer w/ that list and let H plan A'ng you until you gain trust again. No red carpet, H has to plan A'ng his gut out and there is no gurantee that you will be convinced either. It is a long way to recovery ...

IMVHO. You should tell MIL and tell her honestly about your feeling and tell her stop talking about H and getting back and so on ... you will talk to her as a freind but no R about your H. It is not healthy for both of you.

-rh-

Forgiver, I don't know what to tell you to say. I suspect that RH has the good oil as he usually does and I'm thinking with the wrong side of the brain lately, so I would be very suspicious of my advice.

All I can say is that I know that if he comes back and you have to face him it will be painful for you and that it will bring up a lot of unresolved 'stuff'. This may not be a bad thing and may be healing for you. I don't know.

I think you mother in law has got a lot to say and is probably grasping at any hope she can. She is wrong to give you false hopes. Who knows what your H will say when he returns. Only he does and thats questionable too.

I think you have crossed the bridge and maybe you are faced with looked back over it. Its up to you to decide if you want to go back over the bridge (to keep plan Aing) or keep on with you currently chosen path. Personally, if I had the courage you had, I would probably never look back. When I find that strength in myself there will be no stopping me.

Hi Forgiver !
It is good to see a report from you.

Spoke to my MIL today. She says she will never be happy until H and I are back together and happy again.

Look at the bright side here, for all her faults she knows what kind of person you are and she likes you. She knows her son is crazy for leaving you. ( BTW, we all like you too.)

How do I let her know that I do not want to take him back without having her turn on me? I have been stalling as long as I can until the lawyers get rolling. I want to tell her once he has been sent the papers. If I say to her "It is obvious to me that H does not want to repair our M after the way he has dealt with this situation over the past year.
You don't need to say anything about H.
Here are some things you could say, and I would do it in a letter, so you don't have to speak with her if you don't feel comfortable with that. I am just going to make some main points, not do the whole thing.

Main Points
1. I want to tell you my feelings ( explain why you are writing.)
2. I thought I could/would hold out but I can no longer do that when I know he is living with her.
3. My feelings have been hurt so badly that I am going to file for D, and I no longer plan to reconcile with him.
4. I don't wish to see him if he comes for Christmas, in fact, I will not see him.
5. My feelings are such that I will let the lawyers contact him and take care of the D, I feel that strong about not seeing him.
6. I am sorry if I led you to believe other wise, but this is what I am going to do.
7. Thank you for your care and concern and support, thank you for standing up for me, sorry for this end, but I can't go on any longer.

She told him he could come home to her and if he wanted to come and see me he could! ( Why is she giving him permission?) He said he wanted to come and see me. Hello? No one asked me if I wanted him to come here. And if they did I would say I would rather not see him.
If you write her the letter, he will find out how you feel, I am sure she will tell him.

But does that make me just as bad as him?
..........Should I see him?
Every fiber in me screams "NOOOO!!
" I do not want to see him I just want this over with.
But how do I present that to him besides through a lawyer?
1. No
2. Only if it would help you somehow.
3. Then don't see him.
4. Then file.
5. Use a lawyer, no reason not to is there?

Forgiver, you are a really nice person, and it is easy to see that you don't want anyone to get hurt feelings, even H. At this point, if you are going to go ahead with D, it is impossible to make everyone feel good about it. YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

I agree with RH about changing the locks. He has been gone so long that it seems you should have the right to protect yourself.

Should I e-mail him close to when he is coming home?
Why would you want to do that? I think MIL will try to contact him within minutes after she reads the letter you send her. He will know that you don't intend to see him.

The only reason I would wait, is if you need it to be a surprise to get the upper hand in the legal proceedings. Then just tell MIL in the letter that you refuse to see him again, and leave it at that. ( don't mention D.)

Not seeing or hearing from him for so long has sealed his fate. It is written in stone. The treatment and callousness I have been dealt this past year are too much for me to forgive or over look at this point. I will never trust him again. I would rather not see him ever again and just start my life over. Sounds like there is no reason to contact him or see him ever again. If these are your feelings, stay away from him. To be truthful, it also sounds like you are trying to reinforce in your own mind that you are doing the right thing, and that you are afraid of some feelings coming back if you see him or if he was to ask to come back and work things out.
This is where prayer comes in. Pray about your choice, and if you know you are doing the right thing, then DO IT NO MATTER WHAT.

Who knows if he is even coming. I hate starting this waiting, guessing game thing again.
Then don't start it again. Write MIL the letter and walk away from it all.

How do I speak to him now?
No reason to speak to him if you are finished ......the Lawyers can take care of the details.

Just when you think it's safe to go out and play.

Do you realize and understand that you will be OK? YOU WILL ! ! !

SS

<small>[ November 07, 2002, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi Forgiver, How are you doing?

Yes, how, and also what?

SS

So, how are things shaking out?

Thank you so much Redhat, Seahorse and Still Seeking,

Your posts are so heartfelt and thoughtful. They confirm what I am feeling and make my decisions rest easier. I have followed your advice. All except writing to my MIL. I have spoken to her instead.

I had to ask myself. "What am I waiting for?" My H sent me the e-mail when my horse died (in July) and and other for our anniversary (10/31). That's it!! But they said nothing. And I have always lived by "Actions speak louder than words". His inaction leaves me nothing to go by except that he will continue to do nothing as long as I allow it. He will continue to treat me this way and refuse to address our M as long as I allow it. I will no longer allow it. I can truly look back and believe I have done everything I possibly could. It is time to take the next step.
I retained a lawyer on November 7th. He was the sixth lawyer I interviewed and he is the biggest lawyer in our area. He is very well known in our area and is often in the news and on television. He was the only one I felt had the determination I was looking for. I got the bad guys lawyer. He has represented alot of shady people and gotten them excellent deals. So I figured, I would be an excellent client because I have not done anything wrong and I am not shady. So what an easy palet to work with! He sees my vision and agrees with what I would like to do and is tenacious in going after it.
He wrote my H a letter stating that I have retained him as my lawyer and that I would like to resolve this amicably without litigation. The letter was written on Monday the 18th and my H received it on Wednesday the 20th. I had called my MIL to keep in touch on Wednesday, thinking I would rather speak to her before he got the letter. I would not tell her about the letter though. However when I called her she had just gotten off the phone with my H. She had mailed him tickets to come home for Christmas and she wanted to know if he had gotten them. He had not. Instead, he told her he had gotten the letter from my lawyer. She asked why I had hired a lawyer when I knew my H could not afford one and he was so busy with school. She said she told him she thought I had done it to shake things up and to make him tell me where I stand. To get a reaction out of him.. She thought it was a good idea. But I get the feeling she thinks I just did it to get a rise out of him rather than I was actually serious. She continued on to plead with me to e-mail him to come home so we can "Sit down and talk about how we are going to fix this and save our M." She is still disillusional that I want to sit down with him and tell him what he has to do to make this work. I told her how I felt. She told me to e-mail him and tell him what I told her. She said he does not know what to do to make it up to me. That I should write it all down in an e-mail so he knows what to do!
She doen't see the elephant in the room and I'm not talking about the A I'm talking about the LAYWER! Does she think I would just friviously hire a lawyer to scare my H into coming back? He is the most expensive laywer in our area, we are talking five figures here! I am serious about making the right move and doing the right thing here. I want to move on and I have hired my lawyer to do that for me. I will not speak to or write to my H. I will only speak briefly to my in-laws to keep the peace but not to give any information on where this is going. That is up to my lawyer.

On the day my H got the letter, my MIL said he tried to call me. BS. I was home and he did not call or leave a message. She also said he e-mailed me. Again, BS. The next day, Wednesday my H did e-mail me........

Ready for this?

Drum roll please.....

Know what his response was?.......

He sent a yahoo birthday greeting!! It just said Happy Birthday, Love Me. THATS IT!!!!! It wasn't even my birthday! My birthday was later on in the week. On my actual birthday he didn't do a thing. For someone who, according to his mother, wants to make this work but doesn't know what to do.... that was a pretty lame birthday greeting. What no card? No flowers? So it just confirmed what I am doing is right.

He is suppossed to have his lawyer contact my lawyer as soon as possible. But he has not responded to anyone yet. His latest is that he has asked his parents not to call him and he told his sister, if she calls do not leave a message. Apparently he no longer answers the phone. So it would apear as though he is retreating deeper into his hole, shell etc.

So the ball is in motion. We will see what happens. His father asked me if I would spend Christmas with them. I told him thank you very much but I don't think so. He asked "Why not?" I said because H would be there and I don't think that would be a good idea. What he said next blew me out of the water! He went on to say that if I won't go there because my H is there then my H will say he won't come home because I'm there and we are jsut avoiding the issue of sitting down and talking about how we are going to work this out!!!! He said I'd have to bite the bullet and be brave enough to sit down with my H and talk about how we are going to get back together. HELLO? Didn't anyone notice I HIRED A LAWYER?!!! I could not believe he told me I was avoiding the issue!!! How thick headed can you get?!!!

Thay asked if I had gotten my h e-mail. I told them how pathetic it was (I didn't use that would, just recited the few words it actually said.) The were gushing! The were like "Well, that's great he remembered your birthday (NO, wrong day) at least that's something! THat's a step in the right direction!" I was agast at their idiotic view on the whole situation. As if Happy Birthday Love me was the answer to my prayers.

I have no doubt getting a D is the right move at this time. I am fully prepared to move forward with this. I do not hate my H. I am not bitter. I feel very, very, very sorry for him. But my sympathy is not that great that I want to help him any longer. I hope he gets the help he needs. He will need alot with his situation.

So that's what I've got. I am doing well. Keeping busy and active. I have adjusted to being alone and will remain that way for a long time I suppose. But I am at peace with myself and my decision. I only hope this moves along as smoothly as possible. I can see my h not doing anything about the letter, not getting a lawyer and doing nothing but completely avoid the whole situation.

I will keep you posted. Thank you so much for your inquiries and support. I continue to pray for us all each night. Have a very Happy Thanksgiving with your families. We all have so very much to be thankful for. I know I do.
Forgiver

Hi Forgiver,

It sounds like the inlaws still don't understand. You still may want to send a short note explaining in plain terms what your feelings are so they will leave you alone.

I don't know if you have the time, but Seahorse could use a friend right now.

What do you do from day to day to stay happy?

I can't think of any way I can really help you much, I suspect that is a good thing.

SS

Forgiver,

Your in-law doesn't know how to handle their son, what do you expect them to say ?. They know it very well that it is their son's losses if your Dv him. The easier way is to put pressure on you than "to teach" their son. Again stay away from them, be clear and to the point ... just tell them it is over since you have done everything that is humanly possible. Change your house locks & put caller ID plus reject annom. call. Let them speak to the recording and hide behind your lawyer (you pay big bucks, let him handle every communication from now on). Your in-law will try to put blame on you down the road ... avoid them for now.

-rh-

Whats up?

Surprise! I'm back with love and Hugs for all!!

Missed me didn't ya?

I'm sorry it has been so long. Whew! Time flies when you are having fun right? That is just what I have been doing. Going to NYC every weekend and took up skiing in Vermont. Have not gone skiing in about 8 years. So it was very scary but it came back pretty quick. I work all week. Go to the gym and kickboxing. Put a few pounds on so I don't look like a skeleton anymore. Down to a size 4! YEAH!! My clothes no longer fall off now that I've bought a new wordrobe. I feel GREAT! I am my own person and very independent. Like I said I go to NYC every weekend to go out with my friends. We go to the zoos, museums, art shows etc. Schmooze with the elite city slickers. I just am having a fabulous time. Very exhausted but a happy, healthy exhaustion.

No tremendous news from my H. He sent me an early birthday e-mail in November. Since then he has sent five e-mails. They all say the same type of things over and over. In a nutshell, they are usually about four or five lines long explaining that he has been thinking alot about how he messed up our relationship. He still states he does not know what to do or say to me, that words can not change what he has done. He is ashamed and embarassed and is at a loss as to what to do. He wanted to know how I am doing and the dogs are. I sent him an e-mail to tell him we were fine. His response was that he guessed it was time to stop bothering me. He still will not call or write except for the few e-mails.

His lack of communication and effort have made it very difficult for me to consider taking him back. I would think if he really wanted to do something he would try anything and everything, such as calling and writing etc. He always says he does not know what to do or say so he choses to do nothing. His mom says it is going to take him time. He has expressed that he wants to work on our M but he does not have the time right now. He wants to focus on school for two more years and then come back to repair M. His family thinks that it is wonderful news. I told them I need more effort from him than a few emails and that I think it is unfair that everyone thinks I've done suach a fantastic job for two years working and waiting- I can wait it out two more years.

When I reflect on what has occurred since D-day, I find it difficult to build up trust with someone who has treated me so inhumanely for so long. I don't know who he is anymore and I can no longer trust him. I have kept the door open for so long and lingered on hope. Recently created a time line on my computer of every e-mail and phonecall since D-day and I am appalled at the lack of communication and effort on his part. I have expressed my needs and how I have changed and how happy I have become. I wrote him the plan A letter and a Plan B letter in May. I have done everything by the MB guidelines and in the process my LB had been emptied and the inevitable has occured. I love who he was but I do not love, nor do I know who he is now. I have to move on. It is my time. But I can look back and say I truly did try.

I met again with my lawyer last Friday to draw up the D papers. Now I have to wait for him to return to the country which could be anytime during the next two years. To serve him down there will be too expensive and will take too long, but it may have to be done.

I am sorry I took so long to return. But rest assured I am doing fine. I am stronger and happier with myself than I have ever been. I will try to keep you posted from time to time. Due to the lack of activity with my H I really didn't have much to say, it was very frustrating.

Oh, by the way. He sent me two dozen long stemmed red roses at work on Valentine's Day. It was very awkward and it actually hurt me. As if that was a bone he was tossing me. Everyone at work was like WOW! WHO HAVE YOU MET???!! I could not stand to look at them so I took them to church.

My MIL still is on the vibe that things will work out I just have to wait it out and work very hard when he comes back but she is sure everything will be fine.

My lawyer says I should not lay down the law but rather get them to get him to come home to work it out with me by coming home during his break. Then we can serve him with the papers. She said my case is very strong and should go very quick if he would just quit avoiding the whole situation as he has done. Unfortunately I married the world's biggest coward.

Oh well!

Onward and upward. I hope all is well with all of you I have to go read up on all your posts to catch up.
Hugs to you all!
Forgiver

Forgiver,

I have followed your thread since I came to MB 1 year ago yesterday! Wow, a whole year has passed. Don't know what I would have done without the support of so many here.

Your personal recovery is inspirational! Glad you know you deserve to be treated better than your H has done. You've way outgrown him. He is childish and immature. His loss. Blessings, CSue

Hi Forgiver, I was really pleased to see you are back. I am glad you are doing well and having fun. The legal stuff goes so slow dosen't it? I feel like I'm on hold at the moment and not being very patient, its driving me bananas. I'm trying to distract myself in many ways.

Do you still live in your home or did you sell it? Do you still have the same job?