I discovered my wife's affair on 12/7. Apparently it started thru an alumni web-site, old high school classmate contacted her on-line back in August, things progressed, etc. From what I can determine, I discovered this very early into their seeing each other romantically. The guy was already going thru 2nd divorce. I've been with my wife 22 yrs. I am so devastated, can't sleep, have lost 18 lbs, ( i'm skinny to begin with) depressed, hopeless, etc..<p>Anyway, here's my situation. I have totally re-committed to loving my wife unconditionally and forgiving her totally, I am carrying out plan A- no angry outbursts-no disrespect-no judgments.
We have two teenage daughters at home and my wife wants our home life to just stay "normal" for the girls even though she barely kisses me, rarely says I love you, and mostly is indifferent to my efforts. I know I have been neglectful of her needs for years- I'm learning that now. But I love her with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her.<p>Problem- I know she talks to him constantly, by e-mail and phone. He sends her 10-12 e-mails a day, She has not made any promises to me about anything, she hasn't said she would break it off with him. She probably sees him once a week. I know they are sexual, I have evidence. Whenever I bring up the situation, she says she is very, very sorry but changes the subject. She just wants me to act "normal"-which I can't do. I'm trying to act 10 times better than I ever did, but rejection hurts so much.<p>I feel like I am on trial. Every little misstep is blown out of proportion. If I load the DW wrong, she explodes. Every gain towards winning her love seems futile to me, when I realize she won't stop seeing him. I read "Surviving.." and am following it, but how long should I ignore the affair and not ask her to make a choice?<p>Whenever I tell her that I pray she will make the right decision, she says that makes her more guilty and hurts her more. She doesn't seem to want to make any decision. Is this normal? Should I just keep loving her and wait for her? Or should I force her to choose? How long do I wait and, meanwhile, hurt?<p>I am a Christian and believe my marriage is sacred. My wife is also born-again and she says she is dealing with this with God.<p>I actually talked to this guy on-line on 1/6 and he basically says he's not the problem in our marraige, I am, and that he feels sorry for me. When I told my wife this, she seemed angry that he would say this and defended him, saying I must have misunderstood. He acts very confident he will have her. He is in the process of buying a house, I'm sure for her.<p>Am I a wimp to pour my heart out to my wife? I love her with every ounce of my soul and want to give her everything she has always wanted. I also want the same back from her, someday. <p>UPDATE:<p>I posted above on 1/9/02 and today, 1/10/02 my wife has called me 3 times, once leaving a sweet "I love you" message and then talking to me and telling me that maybe Sunday "we can talk" about things.<p>At the same time, she secretly spent $55 yesterday at Victoria's Secret and, when confronted with it, she lied about it. Now she is out today for the entire day. I am on a rollercoaster here. Is this normal behavior for WW?<p>I plan to do nothing to confront her right now. My kids are away for the weekened so I have the chance to give her all of my love for 3 days.<p>I hear so much conflicting info on this site. Should I get tough with her? Should I give her more time to figure this out (that's what she says she wants)? Should I keep Plan A'ing?<p>Any WW's out there to give me some giuidance on what my wife is going thru?<p>HELP!!<p>[ January 14, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Boppo57:
<strong>Is this normal behavior for WW?<p>I plan to do nothing to confront her right now. My kids are away for the weekened so I have the chance to give her all of my love for 3 days.<p>I hear so much conflicting info on this site. Should I get tough with her? Should I give her more time to figure this out (that's what she says she wants)? Should I keep Plan A'ing?<p>Any WW's out there to give me some giuidance on what my wife is going thru?<p>HELP!!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Boppo57-<p>There is no 'normal' behavior for the WS so don't try reasoning or logic. Talking with your W would be a big step but don't push it. In fact, you might want to make some ground rules to keep it 'safe' for your W. Maybe you want to put a time limit on the talk for example. Whatever, you don't want to smother you W with affection or admiration. You just might drive her further away.<p>Since the kids are going to be away, maybe you guys can sit down and complete the EN and LB questionnaires. But don't try to accomplish too much at one time. It is really tough mentally. I know you want to fix the M right away but be prepared for a long road ahead as well. Some successes here have taken only a few months (I think Wilham2 is an example over on the EN forum) or they may take a few years (persistant and his W have come a long ways recently after a long period of no progress).<p>I would encourage you and your W to seek counseling. The professional help can really make a big difference and give you the opinions of someone that isn't emotionally attached to the situation. My W and I counsel with Steve Harley at MB and, while we are not exactly at what I would call recovery yet (see my posts under persistant's thread), I feel better about the situation with the guidance we are getting. I feel better about the effort I am making and the changes I am making also. The advice doesn't come cheap but neither will continued resentment between spouses or separation. A counselor can also touch on areas that would not be good for the BS to bring up with the WS (or visa-versa).<p>Good luck. Get your vents out here and don't be afraid to ask questions about specific issues.<p>HoFS

I am sorry for your pain. Let me see if I get this right. Your wife has continued to have sex with this man every week and continues to have
10-12 emails a day with this guy from your home.
It does not seem that you have a marriage at all at this point. I think her attitude is very disrespectful to you. She is on the computer with him during the day and has sex with him on the weekends? What is wrong with this picture?
I would have myself checked for STD's by the way.
It just sounds like she has made a mockery of the marriage at the present time.<p>When the affair was found out she should have ceased all contact with OM immediately and committed to the marriage. I would suggest counseling. The fact that she is doing these things and virtually flaunting her affair in your
face is unacceptable. You certainly do not want to enable her to continue the affair without repercussions. I would suggest if she is unwilling to go to counseling that maybe she should move out because she is not acting like a wife, putting you and her health at risk, and basically totally humiliating and disrespecting you. If she feels there is no repercussions to her actions then why should she stop what she is doing? You certainly do not wish her to see you as a doormat willing to accept any and all type of behavior from her regardless. I wish you luck but her behavior is unacceptable. I would also protect myself by contacting an attorney since it sounds like she may planning to leave you. I think you should have all of the information and options at your disposal. Maybe if she realizes that you will not tolerate this behavior it may wake her up. Good Luck.

Boppo57: <p>Hi, and Welcome to MB! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I feel your pain, and we've all been there, or ARE currently where you are now! Yes, it sucks! But, there is a LOT of hope left to save your M. <p>One good thing about your situation is that your WW still seems to love you! If she didn't, she wouldn't have said so! Yes? <p>Take HoFs advice, and seek counseling. Also, read everything you can on this site! You might (also) order the book, "Surviving an Affair", by Dr. Harley. It's an excellent book, and should help you and your WW in many ways! <p>DO NOT PUSH your W into anything that she doesn't want! Don't threaten her that you'll leave either! You've got to be Persistant with Plan A right now, and be the most wonderful husband and father you can be! This is of the utmost importance! <p>Now, regarding your W......She has an "Infatuation" with the OM. It's NOT REAL love, but she thinks it is! She is in the "Fog", and she is very withdrawn from you. This is normal. Don't worry too much about the way she is acting, because (like a drug addict) she is addicted to OM! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] And, (like a drug addict) you can't control her addiction, or MAKE her leave the OM! But, you SHOULD encourage her to do so! <p>You say that you both are Christians. Yes? Then, you know that God HATES divorce, and he wants you to reconcile! Read 1 Corrinthians Chap. 7 in the Bible! It makes a whol lot of sense from a religious point of view! <p>Also, you MUST be willing to forgive her! And, I mean REALLY forgive her! You've heard the saying, "It takes two to tango"? Well, it takes 2 to cause an A! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Actually, it takes more than that, but you get the picture! <p>Work on changing yourself to be a better person, and get some help for (both) you and your W. <p>God Bless! <p>HT

Boppo, I wouldstart getting ready for a "D". Start protecting yourself now and get the best Attorney you can to protect yourself and the children. It seems there is no respect for you which I know hurts but then again she is in a very deep fog and the only ones happiness thats important is hers. Your feeling count only now and then, you need to get your ducks in order "Now". As for the computer, I would get a software program that tracks her usage do that now and start keeping copies of her emails. Start working on your own self esteem and get the book called "tough love".