Hello everyone, this is my first time posting, but I was looking for some support on some recent events with my girlfriend. I understand that most people here are probably married or engaged, but we were practically so.
Heres the story...we were together for almost 3 years, and lived together for about 2 years. Recently, 5 months ago, we moved apart bc of a fight we had. She wanted to break up, so i didnt see any reason to live with her anymore (obviously). well, we got back together about a week after the break up, and i live about 50 miles from her.
Well, she came up every weekend, and stayed with me, or i would come down there...but last weekend, she didnt come over....
she called me today, and left a voice mail on my work phone, saying, "im sorry i didnt call or come over, but i felt really guilty because i messed around with someone else..."
well i feel horrible. i dont think i can be together with her anymore. she isnt very responsible, or considerate, and hasnt cheated before, but has let me down before, a couple of times. I just keep picturing her in my mind, fooling around, kissing, whatever else she did...i wonder what she REALLY did you know?<p>i guess what i need is some support, and maybe some other stories of similar nature, and how you guys got through it. Thanks everyone, i hope to hear from you guys soon.<p>Brian (sorry the post was so long)

Dude I feel your pain.<p>I was with my gf for 4.5 years. We moved in together 3 years ago after she started a new job. She always talked about marriage and I would always dodge the question or joke about it because I wanted the time.<p>That may have been the start of the end. She saw someone at her new job and when I found out about it she professes her sorrow and wants to make it up to me.<p>I just couldn't deal with the mental images and the lies that she told me. I mean, what are we fighting for? No kids. No marriage to save. Maybe love.<p>We are split up right now, we see each other occasionally. I'd like to take her back, but there is too much for me to deal with. <p>They say time heals all wounds, and with a few dates and a little time you will start to feel better if that is what you decide to do. Or talk to her and see if you really want to spend the rest of your life with her.

Thanks, man I appreciate it...just cant believe this is happening. mental images are certainly there too...<p>should i wait for her to call...and when she does (which she most likely will), what should i say??<p>this sucks, i started smoking cigs again dammit<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: brian22 ]</p>

Just talk to her, find out why she did it. She might say that it had nothing to do with you and everything to with her.<p>The first time I talked to my gf after finding out, I called her about every name in the book and pretty much told her that I didn't want to ever see her again so go find someone else to lie to. She was out of the house for a little over a week but we continued to talk and I invited her back.<p>Over time we started talking about the problems we had with each other.. I'm no angel in this mess. And we started spending alot of time together.. I guess I tried for 3 months with her, but I would say that I would start an arguement every other day. And decided it wasn't doing either one of us any good.<p>It wasn't until we started spending time apart that I felt like I could really talk to her and not feel so angry.<p>Just feel her out, find out how sorry she is. How much she wants to make it work.<p>My gf ended up going to a therapist, reading all kinds of books, telling me everything about the guy, she even started posting on this board.<p>Good luck man.<p>PS
Stop smoking

Not to be negative or anything. But THANK GOD you found out before you both made the big "promise". Take what you learned and consider yourself lucky! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Very true oldman. that IS a good way to look at it. still hurts pretty bad though...damn her.<p>is the saying true about, "once a cheater, always a cheater"?<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: brian22 ]</p>

Brian22<p>1- get rid of those cancer sticks, you don't need to complicate your life anymore than it is. Right after DDay I started smoking again, fortunately I caught myself before it was too late.<p>2- ask yourself what do you really want to accomplish. Take time to think about this, look deep inside yourself for the answer. (I know what your answer will be) If want to throw away the relationship you have, that's your call but if you want to take what you two have and make it even better, you both have a lot of work to do.<p>3- read (READ, READ and RE-READ) as much material on this site as you can, it will help you to answer question #2. For right now, keep your cool, find out what Love Busters are and how to avoid them. When your GF calls, keep your composure and LISTEN to what she says, don't argue and call her names. Don't take anything she says personal, because I am warning you, you will most probably hear some of the most unbelievable crap you have ever heard. How you act now will have a huge impact on what happens in the future.<p>You are in good company here, I wish you the best.

Very sorry about earlier post. Not exactly a caring response.
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] BTW My cheating wife's favorite saying before I found out was "If they (lie, abuse, cheat, steal, or any other bad thing) once, they'll do it again. Of course SHE wouldn't do that. HA HA HA HA
There have been many times in the last year when I wished she had done this before we had 2 kids and 10 years of marriage, so again SORRY about my 1st post, Just my opinion. I wouldn't wish a broken marriage on anyone.

Brian,<p> Hang in there kid. Its real rough. Don't make this mistake of dwelling on the images in your head. I know your thinkin about it alot. instead of dwelling on these images, focus on yourself. This means quit the smokes!!! When I caught my wife I quit smoking after three years of smoking at least two packs of smokes a day. You need to look inside and ask yourself one very important question, "DO I LOVE HER?" If the answer is yes than read, read & read a little more. <p>Relationships are a very fragile thing. It does not take many withdrawls from the love bank to get feelings going in the wrong direction. But on the other hand it takes a whole lot more deposits to bring em back.<p>So ask yourself now because you don't have much to loose. I have been married for twelve years, and six months ago it started here. Now three kids, home on the lake & many many memories later I am stuck trying to fix something I did not ask for. So you are in a position to make the change now before things get real deep. <p>It will not be easy, but you are in the right place to help find answers.<p>Be cool, quit the cigs bro

Thanks everyone I really really appreciate your help...i came into work today, looking forward to seeing what you guys wrote back to me. I dont see our relationship ever working again. i dont want to talk to her anymore, and dont even want to hear her voice. i am going to try to move on, but man is it rough.<p>So you guys have been in this situation before...i most definitely feel for everyone who is going through what im going through. i cried last weekend so hard, but i am finding it tough to do so now, im just so angry at her.<p>i feel like now, if i ever find someone else to love and all, it will end up nasty like this. i mean, will i find happiness one day? and when i do, will it last? tough questions, but i got these swarming around in my head you know? i feel like if i love again, it will just be for nothing, bc the next chick is probably going to do the same damn thing, or worse.<p>oldman, your post was very real, and i dont think it was harsh at all. you are right, and it is a good way to look at it. i feel for all of the people here who have kids and have been married for so long (i just dont see how it could end up so tragic sometimes, it really sucks), but it IS a good thing i got this early on...<p>its difficult to not smoke you know.<p>last night i had a girl over, and was having a pretty good time, but when she left, i felt pretty bad, and now i miss my ex...dammit<p>music helps, i know that for damn sure. music is such a great outlet...i recommend music for anyone going through hard times. not music that reminds you of her/him, but music that tells your own story.<p>looking forward to hearing from you guys, and thanks very much for your responses so far.<p>Brian<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: brian22 ]</p>

<p>[ January 11, 2002: Message edited by: brian22 ]</p>

last night i had a girl over, and was having a pretty good time, but when she left, i felt pretty bad, and now i miss my ex...dammit<p>Just wanted to ask you what this comment really means to you. <p>I understand how you feel, I think we have all felt the same way at some point. Whether you and your fiance can work things out doesn't mean that you can't become a better person from the material here on MB. Please be careful right now, you are in a very vulnerable state of mind.

thanks love, well....what i mean about having someone over last night, was that i am trying to get over my ex, i dont want anything to do with her or her childish and inconsiderate ways anymore, therefore i think it would be best to date a little...try to have some fun.
but when she left last night (my date, that is), i felt a little broken, because, you know, i miss my ex. but i had a great time while my date was there, it was really fun to be hanging out with someone really cool like her...but whether she came over or not, i still feel bad at night and all...i miss her you know.<p>will i get through this? i hope so.<p>i miss her, and i have developed hatred for her too...weird.

damn guys, im really hurting. i dont know what to do to make this better...i keep coming into work, thinking maybe she would call me or something...i dont think i want to be with her anymore, but damn, she hasnt even called to say that she is sorry or anything.
thanks for listening everyone, your responses mean alot to me.<p>hurts very badly...

Good Morning!<p>I have been around here (at MB) for quite a long time, and I have some thoughts that I hope will help you sort through this. <p>First of all, pain is pain, and I hear how much of it you're in... I'm sorry for that. It sux. Been there. <p>Did you know that Dr. Harley talks about the problems with living together before marriage... and that he says that a marriage built on living together will not work? Now before you think I'm judging, I lived with my second (current) H before we married. I am in my 40's and never thought I'd do such a thing. I had been married for 20 years prior to that, and I thought it would last a lifetime. It didn't. I wanted to "make sure" this time-- problem is that living together is NOT THE SAME as being married. It *seems* like it is, but believe me, it's not. So, like oldman says, be glad you found out before you said "I do"... <p>And while I'm on the subject of marriage... it may not seem like it now, but the pain of infidelity WHILE MARRIED is like NOTHING ELSE. Whatever pain you're feeling now - multiply it by 10, and you have some idea of what it's like when the person you vowed to cherish for EVER throws you away for a new model. <p>Around here we have talked about our children a lot. Some of us with children have have dealt with huge horrors (death, suicide attempts, sexual abuse) and almost without exception we agree that a spouse being unfaithful is WORSE. <p>Truly, look at what you're going through as a great big learning experience (and I know how much it hurts)... but... you have an opportunity to decide where a line will be drawn in the sand, what you will accept from a future spouse, and what you will NOT. <p>This hurts, I know how much it hurts, but you are seeing this person in a way that many of us never got the opportunity to see before married, and you are seeing the truth. Sad, isn't it? <p>Remember that it takes two to make a relationship, and in most cases, two to break it up. Read about Emotional Needs (EN's) and determine what your needs are. When you decide to give your heart to someone, find out their needs too. Work together to meet the needs of each other. <p>A lot of people think that when they meet their "soul mate" things just happen, they understand without being told, and it's easy to keep the love. That's a myth. Relationships take nurturing to grow and thrive. <p>I hope your gf DOES call and apologize - but if she doesn't -- she wasn't worth giving your heart to in the first place. Cheating is the cruelest thing you can do to the person you love... again, be glad you found out now, instead of 20 years down the road.<p>Best wishes to you...

hi everyone,<p>she came over on Sunday, and we talked. it didnt go very well, bc she didnt talk much. i think she is pretty much giving up. she wants to be more than friends, but knows that she hurt me. she still wants to be friends, if not more than friends. <p>i dont understand what to do or say. i just got off the phone with her, and shes over at her friends house. her whole tone and attitude is happy!! why is she so happy!? shes now into her friends incredibly, and loves to party now more than anything. she has slipped away from me bc of these drug addict friends of hers.<p>why is she happy??? what could there possibly be to be so happy about in a time like this???? im depressed and shes freakin happy....i dont get it.<p>so...im guessing that this is taking a slow death...it seems that she doesnt really care, and is too happy to admit if she even was. <p>when we spoke on sunday she said she didnt sleep with this guy, only messed around. above the belt stuff im guessing. shes sorry and feels bad, but then if she feels bad, why is she so damn happy, and giddy?<p>she doesnt seem to want to hang out with me anymore, and doesnt want to see me much anymore (it seems). she would rather hang out with friends (it seems, again). i think im losing her, and i dont know what to do. im going to talk to her again tonight, when she comes by. we wont have much time, but im guessing it will go as badly as sunday.<p>so what do i do. im getting so so angry for her being so happy and noncaring about all of this. why cant it go back to the way it used to be. <p>i quit smoking by the way.<p>someone please help.<p>Brian

Bryan -
I am going to tell you straight and it may be hurt
but it is my opinion. First, I would not believe
much of anything that she says. I doubt she would
have called and apologized for messing around if
there was not more to it. Second and more importantly, stay away from this woman. If she is
in to partying with people who are into drugs then
clearly she is or will be into drugs soon.<p>Bryan do you wish to catch a sexually transmitted disease or worse? There is a giant neon light
flashing that says she is happy with her drug
friends. You asked why she is so happy when she
should be sad. She is probably happy because she
is high. Do not let her drag you down to her level. She and her friends will eventually self
destruct and are at extremely high risk of diseases if they engage in sexually behavior with each other.<p>Bryan, go and try to meet someone who is not associated with drugs and has friends who are in
the drug culture. Try to find someone who shares
your values and respects themselves. You do not
realize yet but you are a very lucky young man.
I wish you luck.

BryanP, you are right...she is doing drugs with her friends. alot. and drinking alot...in fact thats when she cheated, when she was drinking. she should be sad, but instead is out doing drugs and drinking, having a good time. why in the world do i always end up with trash like this??<p>well she came over tonight, and we talked. she said that she seems happy bc she hides her feelings, and doesnt want anyone to know that she is upset. she said tonight that she doesnt want to be forgiven, or ask for forgiveness, that she doesnt want a relationship right now...<p>we talked more, and towards the end of the night, she decided that she wanted to think over some things before making a decision on whether she wanted to be with me or not. we had a pretty good talk toward the end of the night, where she started crying (which is, badly enough as it sounds, a relief to know that she has SOME feelings left for me), and SHE talked about how I had pissed HER off in the past!!!
she brought up how she is pissed off still about a couple times when i got drunk and got hit on, and told her about it, and then proceeded to still be friends with these girls...long story, but i couldnt believe, and still cant believe that she turned it around on me. <p>and I, like a sucker, listened to it all, like a good guy should, and fell for it all...i mean, if she was even trying to fool me. i mean, is she really still mad about this stuff from the past? and if so, what the hell does that have to do with her cheating on me?? is she trying to get the tables turned, and im falling for it all, or is she telling the truth. (she cried when she said this, maybe she IS telling the truth?)<p>she talked about how she still thinks about this stuff that i have done to her, and she doesnt want me to be like her about the whole cheating thing (thinking about it all the time, and being pissed off years down the road). i think she is trying to play me, but on the other hand, maybe she is being sincere? maybe she is really upset still at the fact that i had gotten a little drunk with some people, and a girl brought me to her office, and tried to get me to kiss her (which i promise i didnt do anything with, it was a major accomplishment!! i even told my friends about how i managed to resist her the next day!!). she is mad that i still talk to her and all...supposedly.<p>man, i dont know what happened between us. i cant seem to understand. i keep trying to think about the next woman, how i hope i find the right one, and will get treated right for once...but each time i think about that, to try to make myself feel better about us breaking up, i start to think about how she is going to also be doing the same thing, or screwing other guys...which makes me pretty angry you know what i mean? i dont want her to go out and mess around with other guys, and fall in love with someone else...<p>should i let her go? and if so, why? should i try to work things out with her? is she being sincere, or trying to play me? am i blind? or am i right in listening to what she has to say, and believing her?<p>thanks for listening guys, im pretty confused.
i know it seems like i keep asking some of the same questions over and over, but more developments keep happening, and i want you guys to know about them.<p>please, some advice on what to do. thanks again guys, i REALLY appreciate your responses.<p>Brian - whos very confused.<p>ps: she is calling tonight to talk some more.<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: brian22 ]<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: brian22 ]</p>

Brian22,<p>I was were you are now many many years ago. My fiancee wanted to party with her friends. I needed to study and work. She got into the party scene, drinking, probably some drugs, and I am sure sex.<p>I ended the engagement and never saw her again. Do you know why? Well, about a year later she was murdered by one of the guys she was hanging with and partying with.<p>My friend know several things about your gf. <p>One, she would rather be with her friends than with you. That means she isn't mature enough for a serious relationship.<p>Two, she is into drugs. Now it is true that often people get off of drugs, but not without a hugh amount of effort, turmoil, and devastation.<p>Three, her friends aren't likely to let go of her until she is of no use to them. At that point she won't be of any use to you either.<p>I realize this is marriage builders but you are NOT married and as Oldman said consider yourself lucky. End the relationship, deal with the pain of losing her (I know it does and will hurt like crazy), and believe what Sheryl (new-beginnings) says about it hurting even worse if you are married and surely if you have children.<p>Brian, you are a lucky lucky man. Go to church and give thanks to God for finding out what you now know. There may come a time when she will grow up. She may survive the drugs relatively unmessed up, but that time is a long way off.<p>I can tell you from personal experience [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] there are plenty of women out there and more than a few of them would be happy to have you for an H.<p>It is time boggie on out of this situation.<p>Good luck and God Bless,<p>JL

hey guys, its brian. i just wanted to say thanks for everyone being there for me and listening to me. although i wasnt married and dont have kids, you guys still helped me in a time of pain.<p>well, its been almost 2 weeks since the cheating, and a couple days since the actual ending of the relationship. its getting a little better day by day...i have nightmares alot, and wake up pissy, but otherwise i think im getting a little better. day by day.<p>so, its over for good, and im trying to move on. the only thing im dealing with now, are the nightmares, and visions/images of her in my head with another man...<p>thanks again for being there for me everyone. i wish there was a way to repay you all.<p>brian