Here goes.<p> I am a 36yo woman, mother of three, married 10 years. We had it all. Just finished
building a new home outside Toronto, 3 beautiful children, not lacking for any physical
or emotional needs (at least not lacking for me). My husband was offered a wonderful
job opportunity overseas, and after careful thought and encouragement from me,
decided to go. We were all going to move over there, with him going ahead in early
Sept. to get a house set up/organized.<p> Sept 11 happened, and given the fact that this post was in Dubai, United Arab
Emirates, he was understandably concerned about us going over in late sept, as was
original plan. We were going to stay till Xmas and see what happened in the world. He
came home every month.<p> In late October my 9 y.o. son went to be with him, with the idea that he could get
used to the new school, spend much needed time with his dad, and generally be the
"expert" on things Dubai when it came time for me and the girls to come over.<p> Job was becoming increasingly stressful for DH, and phone calls, though still daily,
became ove3rshadowed by his concerns that things would not work out, because the
job was obviously not what he had originally been led to believe.<p> You all know where this is going. He came home on November 16th, with our son, and
informed me that he was leaving me, marrying another woman. She had been there in
Dubai, and as an assistant to the Chairman of t he company, had been "assigned" to
make sure that the transition for our family was a smooth one. She had helped set up
our home there, and over time, endeared herself to my husband, and it wasnt until my
son moved over, that a physical affair started. It had only been going on about 2 1/2
weeks when he came home and told me.<p> Several problems.<p> DH declares that he is so in love with this woman, that he has never felt a love like
this, and gave me all the standard phraseology like "I dont know if I EVER loved you" " I
am happy with her" "I need to do this because this may be my only chance at
happiness in my life"<p> He is 49, and I believe that MLC/Depression comes to play here. <p> He spent a week in England with OW/ her child, my son, before coming home, and in
that time told my 9yo EVERYTHING!!! talk about bad judgement. Now I have a son who
is so screwed up, misses HER (cause he had a Nintendo/tV fest while there) and thinks
the whole thing is his fault. ANgry at DH for telling son that he was going to marry this
woman and they all were going to live together in England. <p> Other two daughters are also affected, even the 3 y.o. in her own way.<p> Terribly depressed, have begged for him back, have tried last resort technique and
failed miserably, emotions got in the way. <p> He says he still loves me, is lonely (came home for 4 days at xmas and has gone back
to make "final decision" on two of them. Calls me to listen, cause he is so alone and has
no friends in the world.<p>More recently, he has told me that I can no longer be his friend cause I only seem to think that we are going to be together again. I want this more than anything for us all to be a family again. I can forgive, he hasnt asked me to. He wants a divorce so they can be married. WHAT CAN I DO? I want my life back...<p> what do I do?

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. My husband's affair also started while he was working overseas. I didn't find out about it until it was almost completely over because his time overseas ended and hers hadn't...so time away from her helped the affair die a natural death. I wish I could tell you what to do. Maybe some of the veterans here will have better words for you. I just wanted to let you know that here, you are not alone. This can be a great support network. Just try to take good care of yourself and your kids. Read the articles here and some posts. It does help.

fitmomuv3,
Welcome to MB. The link below on my sig will lead you to MB principal. Learn about it as much as you can, speciallly about EN(s), LB, LB$, and plan A/B. Get and read HNHN and SAA. Check on CALI post on MLC. I am not a veteran but we are here to offer support and shoulder to cry on.<p>Stop your clingy to your H. He is probably could not take it either (out of guilt). You have to learn to become his freind ... just listen and not implying anything about relation or affair. Listen carefully when H talk about issue(s) in M you need to remember it for plan A. If it is a fact and your fault you apologize to him and tell him you will change it. If it is not a fact (out of the fog) you tell him you have a different point of view but save it for later discussion.<p>You have to keep the communication open. Tell him you try to understand him. Nothing you could do to change H since A is in the fullfledge. Learn plan A and no LB.

Dear fitmomuv3,<p>First of all, I want to tell you how my heart ached for you in your situation. You have found an excellent resource and source of comfort here at the MB forum. I am still finding my way around, but I have to say that I have found comfort, information and courage reading these posts.<p>I lived overseas with my H and our children. We stayed for 5 years and then the children and I returned to the states. H has stayed there, working and trying to finish up. It has been 1 1/2 years now, and we have had our problems. I can look with hindsight now and declare with real conviction that it is never a good idea to break up a family, even for a short time. Even if you think your marriage is strong. Which I did. <p>In reading your post, I was struck by your immediate desire to make things the way they were. Well, you have to know that that is never possible. You will both always be different people and a different couple now. You can, though, get through this and be stronger and more committed and more in love. I really believe that it's possible, though my H and I are still in the early stages of recovery. So I'm not speaking from personal experience. There are success stories here in the forum, though! <p>The advice you've received so far is correct. You have to be strong now as an individual, be clear about what you want. Plan A, read up, pray, be the best spouse you can be. And come here often and read and post and respond.<p>Good luck and God bless.

thank you all so much for your replies. I do realize that things will not be the waythey were, however I feel so strongly that my family be together and that is what I ultimately want. I also realize that my husband and I will have essentially a new marriage when this happens, as the other one was obviously not working the way it should have been.<p>One thing I havent mentioned, and I would like opinions on (though I think I know what most would think) is that I have spoken, on a few occasions, with the OW. She is not a horrible person, although I realize that she has her ultimate end to this, and I have mine. She is not in such a rush to marry him as he is her. She worked with him for long enough to see what sort of a person he is, and she is the first to admit that what has happened is impetuous and very out of character. I truly think that she may be having second thoughts. I am not confrontational with her, although I do not make a secret of my wish that H and I will work this out. Problem is, H has said to me and her, that with or without her, he believes that our marriage has run its course.<p>Am I crazy to even speak to her? I suppose on one level I think that if I do talk with her, that she will realize that I am a good person, and she already feels guilty for hurting the kids, and me, maybe this will speed things up for their demise? Am I just punishing myself? She is actually very easy to talk to, and as I think I mentioned in my original post, when H started over there, he commented right off that she and I would be great friends and would get along very well. How strange.<p>Thx again.

fitmomuv3,<p>Your feeling about OW is not uncommon. As you read How the affair start, you will understand some of OP are decent person. Same like your H, it just that they fail to protect their weakness and put all source of the unhappiness on you and look elsewhere for support. If your fill in some ENs and spend enough time together you will fall in love too. We are capable of having an A the only different is the choice we make.<p>Ask her to read MB and show her the link to How to survive infidelity. Hope she could take the high road and end the A w/ no contact.<p>Good that you desire a fullfilling M and actually your H too, but the choice is different. MB will provide the necessary steps to reach that.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Problem is, H has said to me and her, that with or without her, he believes that our marriage has run its course.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Focus on your plan A and show it to H that people could change and falling in love is very conditional. Get conseling w/ MB if your husband agree to it.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>...when H started over there, he commented right off that she and I would be great friends and would get along very well. How strange.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Nope, not at all. Your H is searching for happiness too and it just w/ the other person rather than with you.<p>Hang in there