How do I learn or at least pretend to trust my wife after affair. She has continued to -before, during and after the affair - that she needs time and space. It upsets her if I ask for notes or messages of where she is at or going - major love buster especially when I cant afford any when she says her bank is closed for deposits right now. But the mistrust and, more accurately, the questioning is instinct/habit after being lied to at least daily for 2 months. We have talked about how I am giving her the chance to reprove herself, regain trust. How do I balance not love busting, satisfying her needs, and my questioning?

HI, Just wanted to let you know I am dealing with the same issue. I have had people tell me that to make it work, you need to not bring the a up again, drop it. My response is, I don't think it is healthy to keep it in. I try not to badger my h, but he needs to be held accountable for what he did, therefore if I ask where he has been, he had better tell me with a smile on his face! If he cannot live with this, then get out. Trust is something that cannot be regained over night, it will take years, and the cheaters need to know this. Just wanted to let you know there are others just like you out there.
peace, katherine

First you have to realize that sometimes there is a fine line between plan A&#8217;ing and being a doormat. You have to at least protect yourself.<p>Knowing the where about&#8217;s and carrying on&#8217;s of your WS is not a LB. It is a common courtesy that you deserve. If you don&#8217;t know where she is you can&#8217;t hold her accountable? It may be tough but your going to have to establish some ground rules.<p>I don&#8217;t want to panic you but I would be questionable about a WS who is protective of where they are and they are doing. <p>Have you ordered the book "Surviving An Affair" yet? If not please do, it is loaded with the information you'll need to get through this. <p>Hang in there, it can be done,
os

Just wanted to chime in here. Remember that part of Plan A'ing is to create an environmant where the WS feels safe and secure. If you hammer them about where they were and what they were doing, that is only going to push them farther away. Yes, this goes against common decency, but then so does everything else in this situation.<p>Also remember, that you can not control the WS's actions, only the way you act and react to what they do. If WS gets upset when you question them, then back it off a bit. There will come a time when WS will be willing to talk about what is going on and what they are doing, you will just have to be patient and wait for that time.<p>I havent been on the JFO board for a while and don't remember your situation. Could you fill me in a bit about some specifics and what you are doing to deal with this?

Hi I am way new at this message board stuff, but have used the Marriage Builders website before. Hello everyone [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I am going to read some posts before I share my story. I will tell you though that I am a female and my husband has cheated on me several times.. But right now I am just going to read what everyone has to say, before I share.

thanks guys for the replys, but the different opinions is what I ve been battleing myself. I havent been badgering her about every minute or time unaccounted for. when I do ask, she has valid explanation that I believe. How do I stop with the questioning, speculation, wondering, etc that lead to lb'ing questions. By the way, she bought and hid an instant camera. Said she hid it from the kids. Bought it because she has always wanted one (of course I did not know)and if just in case by chance she needs it for pictures of things I might do (I have letters indicating her affair, just in case needed in court)

Can anyone who has had some success dealing with this issue please help out here? I feel for you panaju and I am in the same boat (nearly three years after my D-day). My WW had me so completely fooled and had the whole thing going on right under my nose that I don't trust any "radar" I have relating to catching her. If it wasn't for a really big mistep on her part and some subsequent expensive sluething, I would have never found out. We have been through a lot in the past three years (including divorce court) but I feel we have a real shot at getting this right. I am fearful that my inability to trust her again, is going to screw it up again. We are trying to work on things and I know that the best way to prevent an affair is to have her happy and fulfilled, but I am human and my best efforts do fall short sometimes and I know she is not always happy with me. I am still haunted by images and doubts and barely a day goes by where I am not beating myself up over the past. I pray for strength in this area, but I am weak.<p>Can anyone please help us in this situation? I haven't seen any good techniques here, but maybe I missed it. Any directions to help with this issue?<p>Wishing I was stronger,
Conan

Again thanks guys. This trust thing isliterally driving me crazy. I want to trust, I try, but then I completely question every thing she does, says, doesn't do, doesn't say, etc. I do so love her and hate feeling this way towards her. - HELP!!

I know exactly how you feel, as I am dealing with that same trust issue. The only thing I can say, and it is how I am learning to trust my W again, is in the book SAA, there is something called Radical Honesty. In short, being absolutely open to one another about feelings and thoughts, if she and you can agree with it, it will help in restoring trust.Because if you are completely open with each other, there would be no lies. But the biggest factor in trust, is time, and her actions.<p>I hope this at least helps some.<p>Good luck and God bless.

Panaju,<p>I have a little bit of experience with this, so I will try to help as much as possible. I couldn't trust my H after I found out either, and one thing that REALLY helped me the most was his willingness to tell me things and let me "check up" on him. He said I could look through whatever I wanted because he wanted to make it up to me and HAD NOTHING TO HIDE. I will tell you this did not start immediately after d-day. Your W has to realize how much she has hurt you and that it is her responsibility to PROVE her trustworthiness (Is that even a word?).<p>This will not happen if there is continued contact or your W is not willing to admit her fault in your situation. You also have to admit you "dropped the ball" with your marriage, and made mistakes you are willing to change and make up for.<p>I NEVER asked my H to do anything I wouldn't do myself. I have all his passwords, and he has all of mine. No I didn't cheat, but how can I expect him to do for me what I'm not willing to do for him?<p>It has been 6 months for us now and the trust is still not great, but it is getting better. I bet anyone who is in recovery will tell you when the WS is ready and has nothing to hide, they will open up their lives to you. Boy, it is hard to wait [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Try to keep smiling [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]