Please read this post for the insight.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=001297<p>I'm having a hard time dealing with this. I find myself being very sneaky. So far I've loaded IM capture software(how I found all of this out), broke into her work phone cellphone mailbox, searched her purse, logging onto her IM as her to ask other IMer's at her work for her wareabouts. Where does this end. I feel this need for the truth, and it's driving me absolutely mad. My wife still insists that nothing is going on, and she is continuing to IM this person. Are these all symptoms of shock, distrust, etc. Am I going nuts, or is this normal shock behavior?
Now my wife and I are at arms, she feels that I'm sneaky, and distrustful, so she feels that we can't go on. I feel that I don't know the truth, and she isn't helping me with it, so I have to pursue it. The only unfortunate part is, I know the old adage "if you look for anything hard enough, you'll find it".
HELP

Man1, the more you look the more you will find and push her away. I know, its hard not too but give her room. If she is having an affair then you must ask her to start a no contact with OM. If not your marraige is doomed. You can't possible make things better if she contacts the OM. You also need to tell us more about you and her so people can give you the advice you need. There is more but we need to know more about the both of you.

I'm not sure what you mean, Here are my details.<p>We've been married for 1.5 years
I think we've both subtracted alot from our love bank, and are in the negative.
We were having problems, but I think our problems have been escallated, and I wasn't sure why, until recently when I intercepted my W'S IM with the OM.
I was truly floored; I have images that run through my head constantly. I've had about 4 hours of sleep since Friday. When I was out of town, I had many of daily/hourly mood changes. One night it was, I think I can forgive it. Other nights, it was absolutely not, I could never trust her again. On a daily basis, I feel the same; nothing has changed, except that I get less sleep since I've been home.
I think the majority of my hurt is centered on my confusion. I feel unsure of what the truth is. I&#8217;m not sure if my wife is having an A or am I being delusional and an over reactor. I know life is about perception, and if I believe it&#8217;s true, it is. So, if it&#8217;s true or not, I&#8217;m having all of the symptoms of an infidelity victim. I&#8217;m conflicting with how much is real, and how much is self-inflicted. I have fear of losing my marriage, our house, our way of life, and mostly the woman that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
I'm battling within myself because I feel like I want answers, closure, etc. I feel very unsettled, and that I need something to make myself feel complete. I don't know what that something is. I feel that it's the truth. She did state last night that she is going to stop IMing with him. She still insists that was a shoulder to lean on, and some one to give her advice about our marriage. Yet, she has allot of classic symptoms stated on this board.
Last night, after her and I shopped all day, we started to watch a movie. About 45 minutes into the movies, she got a text message from work. She said that she needed to dial in and check some statistics. So, she went upstairs. I gave it about 10 minutes and I came upstairs. I noticed that she had IM open, and the OM's box was in the taskbar. So they were talking back and forth. I asked her about it, and she got defensive. About 10 minutes later, at 10PM she said she needed to go get lens cleaner for her new shades that she bought during the days shopping. So, after she left, I went upstairs to see what the IM said. Mostly it was them saying what they are doing, what plans they have for tomorrow. She said, I'll have to tell you Monday about everything that's happened (with our marriage). He said, I&#8217;d be available by cell phone for the next 30 minutes if you'd like to call. Thus her trip to Walgreen&#8217;s. When I put all of this together, I felt the anger and rage of deceit come over me. I calmly talked to her and explained, understand my hurt, and why I hurt. You IM and immediately leave after that. This action says to me that you have a rendezvous (phone or personal). She denied it, and said that I'm being paranoid. After I called up the IM later to show her. She admitted to calling the OM. She said, it was just so she could have someone to talk to about this. Later that night, she came downstairs and found me rummaging through her purse. In search of more evidence.
She is contending that she can't forgive me for my being sneaky and not having the ability to forgive her for consulting an IM buddy. I content that she needs to come clean, be open with me, be willing to show and share everything with me.
Meanwhile she is sleeping like a rock, and I sleep between 2AM up at 4:30AM.

For some reason my link didn't work to my orignal post. Here is the topic.<p>Topic: How can I truse cheating IM wife <p>Forgive my locution on this one. I'm just starting to regain concentration(smile)

Ok. Here it goes, You are not sleeping because at this moment you are being betrayed by your wife and lied too. This is not easy to deal with and you need to remain calm. Your wife is developing an EA with another man which is not good. How did she meet him and why does she need to talk to him. Are there any children in this marriage, if not you win. You need to give her space. She should care that she is herting you and lying as well. What she is doing is putting a wedge betwwen the both of you and developing a private life, both things are bad.
You have a choice to make here and you need to read about emotional needs. It seems as if she is not getting them from you and I understand why you feel the way you do. But you both need to have a long talk and self correct. Did she find this guy online or at work. In any event this happening only after 1 1/2 years of marriage is a red flag. GO slow do not loose your cool.

man, By the way you are not alone and try to always see the positive side of things. If you had a marriage that was 16 years plus with 3 children you can imagine the difference it would make. I know this hurts but you both need to talk again and get back to being in love. One thing is certain reaching out to the other men is a fast tract to "D" and it must come to and end. That smile that you finaly got back is your best friend , keep it on your face. Sometimes rejection even if temporary can make the BS a doormat, dont go there. You don't need to find anything else. The truth is now out in the open. Go slow and be strong. And the smile must stay on the face, this will not be resolved over night

wow, be careful, and read all you can on this site, keep venting here... it helps... you may not want to let on about everything you know to her right now... No lb's... in plan a.<p>Hugs, HONEY

Ask her if she wants the marriage to continue or not.If she does schedule an appointment for both you and wife with a marriage counsellor. Meanwhile she should not be discussing any marital problems with a third party. She should be dealing with you, her husband, not another guy. If you are going to be sneaky do it intelligently by taping her phone calls or hire a P.I. otherwise stop it. The point is you can't control your wife's behaviour. You can only control what behaviour you are going to accept or not accept from her. If she is not behaving as a faithful loving wife you can divorce her and not allow yourself to be emotionally tortured by her. You have the power to exercise what direction you want this marriage to move in.

radium,<p>who are you ? Z tries to reach you<p>Are you soulmate11 or javis ?.<p>Are you unfamiliar with MB or intentionally inflicting wound ?.

man1<p>First off remember that you have the upper hand in this situation. The odds are in your favor- and if you have found out about this while it is still just an EA all the better, be grateful you can nip this in the bud with the proper course. <p>But- the next thing is how to stop it, and how to get the truth of the matter, ideally it should be from her. I for one am a proponent of radical honesty. I also think if you want honesty you have to give it. That doesn't mean I don't look over my H's email etc.. but I do it in full view and with his consent, but I also am dealing with an afair that is over and a H that wants to recover our marriage and no longer has something to hide. <p>Ideally you should have the ability to look in her purse, just as she should have the ability to look in your wallet if she felt a need- in general she is acting like she has something to hide, and is trying to cover her lies, and the more she protests- the more guilty she looks that is for sure. If this is the case as we all guess, she will not consent to the "invasion of her privacy" because it is disturbing her fantasy that you are not being hurt and do not need to know and making her face what she has done or is working towards doing.<p>Given that situation - would I stop looking? - probably not quite frankly. But if she finds out- (and at all times for that matter) you need to put away the anger- the disrespect-and the demands as much as is humanly possible. If she finds out I would be honest- you have nothing to be ashamed of, you have every right to know what is going on with her- and if she will not be honest with you- it most certainly does afect you too.<p>BUT you need to stay CALM buddy! You start acting like a raving demanding possessive angry lunatic and you are going to lose her.<p>Get SAA and Give and Take or Lovebusters and start Plan A immediately, and start reading. This can be gotten through. Stay calm, do not try to make any major decisions while you are in such an emotional state, and fight for your marriage with Plan A. You can do this- and we will all be here to support you, keep posting!

Thank you for all of the advice. This has been one hour at a time. Sleeping seems to be the hardest thing to do. My mind starts to race after 8PM. Maybe I need to change my bed time to 7:59PM. Anyone have any good clear your mind technics?