I posted on another board about this earlier but it belongs here. This is the post I made::<p>I stumbled upon this site this morning while searching for something, some hope, a solution...anything. It's got good information and I only hope that I can put it to good use before it's too late.
Here's my situation. If nothing else it might help me to get it off my chest here with people who may have felt similiar pain, strangers who can't judge us.<p>My wife and I have been separated for about 2 months now. She asked me to leave and I finally did it after seeing how miserable she had been. I left with the understanding that we would try to work it out, to give us some space so we could deal with our problems. We have a 2 and a half year old and that made it hard for me to leave.<p>The problems go back years, she tells me that she has felt neglected, that I haven't really shown her how I feel. We've talked about this since and we're both beginning to see the mistakes we've made in the past. When she would get angry with me, she would become violent physically and would use words as a weapon. This caused me to hold back on her, not invest my all for fear of being hurt. Of course, this led to a cycle of anger and pain, interspersed with some good times.<p>Well things got to the point where I needed to go so that we might have a chance. Now that I've moved out we've had a chance to look at things differently. I truly believe that, with no other distractions, we could work things out and love one another like we should have from the start.<p>But suddenly she's been seeing someone. She told me he was a friend at first but I could tell by the way that she talked about him that she thought very highly of him. She told me he asked her out but she declined.....she told me that she told him she wasn't in a position to see him like that. She was up front from the beginning that she had a mild attraction for him. She told me that he wasn't interested in her like that. Last night she tells me that she's gone to dinner with him twice, alone, after he asked her out.<p>I found out last night that she's kissed him, that he tells her she's beautiful. These things, they hurt me so much. I asked her is she had slept with him but she said no. Of course, when I first asked if she had kissed him she denied it. She tells me that she knows this person isn't for her and that he's not a threat to me. I was so devastated when I found out I can hardly put it into words. To me, this is infidelity regardless if she slept with him. She says that she's happy around him. But of course, she is free of the problems in her life around him but I embody those problems. That she's opened herself to another man on an emotional level is the most painful part. That someone else has held her, kissed her gently when I am trying so hard to show her how much I love her.<p>I really do. I've come to the point in my life that I am ready to take the risk of letting her know how much I've always adored her, despite the problems. She is worth all of the struggle, all of the pain and sleepless nights. <p>We've agreed to get some counseling, someone to help us through this most difficult of times. She told me last night that she wanted to be with me but she doesn't know why she can't choose. I know that I can truly fulfill her emotional needs, I'm ready to invest myself fully. But how can we make this happen when there's a third person distracting her attention? I feel like I am floating, lost. I can't concentrate at work, I can't sleep. We keep in constant communication but the progress is slow. I fear the worst. I've told her that if she needs to be free to pursue this man or another that I will let her go. She says she doesn't want that but the pain stretches out and it crushes me. I just don't know what to do.<p>I don't want to lose her. Even now I think we can make it through but it's so hard, so hard... <p>Now here's an update to it:<p>I just got done speaking with my wife for about 2 hours. I told her that I needed her to be totally honest with me about what's going on if we're ever going to be able to make things right. She admitted to having slept with this man twice. I really feel like she was finally honest with me about it and I think it's going to be easier to deal with it now that it's in the open.<p>The thing is that she isn't willing to stop seeing him. We haven't even had a chance to try fixing out problems and she's happy when she is with him, they have fun together.<p>What I asked her to do is stop having a physical relationship with him and take a breather while we try to get help. She's agreed to this. I leveled with her and told her that if she wants me to let her go, then she has to tell me. I can't deal with her building a relationship while we're trying to work things out. I will let her go if that's what it takes to make her happy. When I tell her I want to make it right, that I love her so much she tells me that she feels like I only say that because of this man. It's not true and I so want to make her see it but I don't know how.<p>I asked her if she loves him and she said that she didn't. She says that he knows in the end he's not going to be with her, and she says she knows that she won't be with him. I can't understand why it's continueing if that's so.<p>I'm really confused but I honestly feel like we can come back together. She told me that I would never trust her again but I don't think that's true. I think if we put the work in and fulfill one another like we should have in the beginning that we can go on with our lives and make it better.<p>I know she's human. I know why she wound up with someone else, she didn't feel like I loved her. I'm ready to spend the rest of my life working to make her happy but this is so hard. I know if I pressure her I'll drive her away but thinking about this just makes me go insane.<p>Maybe some of you who've been through something like this can give me some hope or some advice. I don't want to lose this woman, she is worth the effort. Do you think I should have demanded she not see him?<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: Seeking_Guidance ]</p>

I don't a demand ever works with an adult...after all, how do you enforce it? I am very encouraged by the fact that she is willing to stop the physical aspect of the affair and give yourselves a chance to work it out.<p>Of course, you realize you really ARE only saying that you love her, adore her, need because of the other man as she said. But that's okay, whatever the impetus, the results are the same. Now, you just have to make sure that you continue to appreciate her and let her know it...don't fall back into the old rut. IMO, women so much more want the emotional attraction of the affair---kind of like sex is the price they will pay to get their emotional needs met. Tell her you love her. Have you done the emotional needs quiz together? That will be a really great road map to recovery for you.<p>You have a great attitude about this and I do think you can learn to trust her again. I think you are right not to push even though I know it's hard to be patient. Are you in counseling? I think it could work out.<p>Keep us posted.

We signed up for counseling today and hopefully we can get it started. I really think that the sexual part of her affair is a side effect of the emotional. She's not the kind to have a meaningless sexual encounter.<p>I guess you could say that I'm making it clear now where I stand because of this but I know inside that I do love her, I do adore her, cherish her but in the past I haven't been forthright about, maybe because of the problems we've had.<p>Either way, she is going to talk to the OM tonight so I'm hoping that she follows through with it. I can't force her to stop altogether and I think we need for her to let him go of her own volition.<p>We've set aside time Wednesday night for us, no baby no distractions and I am going to try and make it count. I will see about getting her to fill out the emotional needs quiz. I'm also hoping that counseling will help us.<p>Thanks for the reply and I will be sure to update you. :~/

For anyone who might be following this thread, here's what happened last night.<p>After work my wife told me she was going to stop off at the OM's place and tell him that they need to put things on hold. <p>Well she did and it went well, she was relieved after talking to him and came home in high spirits. The agreement that they came to is that their relationship must be platonic from here on out and that if they are to see each other then they'll do it in a group setting so that things won't go where it should. She was honest and leveled with me, saying that she would talk to him on the phone, and see him on occasion but not in that way.<p>So we talked for a little bit last night, about what draws her to him, some of the things that I've failed to do. We laughed a little and I think we both were feeling a little better. But some of the things she said made it hard for me to sleep last night and I probably overanalyzed it all.<p>I have a habit of overtalking things (understatement) and I think she was flabbergasted with me for going over the same thing, how they are going to keep it platonic. I asked her if she thought she could really do it and she said she did. I also asked her if she loves him but she said no, that she likes him a lot but wouldn't call it love. So after talking a bit much about this subject she said that "She was going to try to keep it platonic but that she can't make me any promises". That deflated me after I was feeling a little more confident. She told me at the end of the night that she's planned to go out with him and their friends this Friday night. I didn't fuss about it until she said that she was going to drive. I asked her if she planned to drive everyone (she's always the designated driver, non drinker) but she said she would probably drive him and follow the others. This is dangerous to me and I told her so, they would never do anything while out in the group because this isn't something either of them have shared but what happens when it's time to go home? She said she was sure that he would go home with his friends but I'm really having a hard time with this. I want to tell her so, I want to demand that she not do it but I know that's only going to push her away and possibly back into his arms. I think a goodnight kiss is almost as dangerous as having sex, it takes away from my chance to reconcile with her.<p>She told me that they were friends first and foremost and she wants him to be around. To her credit she's giving me the chance I want but it's really hard for me to know that he is still in the wings, waiting to see how things turn out. I told her that I was okay with the agreement that they've come to and I am but only if she can stick to it. I asked her to please tell me if she felt like she was going to start up with him again because I can't take the deceptions.<p>My instincts told me something was up and I did some mild snooping. She told me what was going on but she broke it to me slowly. He asked me out but I said no. I went to dinner with him alone a few times. He told me I am beautiful, he kissed me. Yesterday on the phone I just asked her to admit it. Now that it's in the open I'm not pressing her for details but I want to know some things. This is how betrayed spouses punish themselves, images of lovemaking, of a romantic dinner and conversation. How long has it gone one? She's known the man for 8 months but I don't think they crossed the line until I had moved out which is about two months ago. How many times have they had sex? All of these questions float through my mind at night when I try to find sleep. It doesn't come easily and it quickly lost.<p>I know that she has been stressed out about this. I think she feels some guilt for the pain she has inflicted on me, and her family feels it too. Since I moved out her brother doesn't talk to her and her mother puts pressure on her to "learn to deal" with me. We don't need that pressure but it's there. I know that I caused her to feel alone and that it's what drove her to find solace elsewhere. <p>Well I keep churning the same thoughts over and over. For now, I'm going to have to be content with things as they are and give her a chance to prove to me that she can be trusted. I want to trust her but with the deceptions and the affair I am going to have a hard time of it. We see a counselor for the first time tomorrow so I am hopeful that will help. I think she resents me for not making her feel loved in the past and I really hope she can let that go and allow me to show her, let me into her heart again.<p>I'm not a religious man and had considered myself agnostic in the past. I'm starting to feel a change having watched my son come into the world and feeling such strong emotions for my wife and son. I can't imagine these things are anything short of divine. I've been praying for her to be able to sort out her feelings and allow me the chance to do as I should have in the past. I hope someone hears me, maybe this is the sign I need to really accept God. <p>In the end, I am going to do what it takes to make her happy, even if that means setting her free. I've come to realize that that's what Love should be. I'm still interested in feedback, support, opinions&#8230;.anything. I'm hoping that I can get some of this off my chest during our sessions with the counselor because I'm having a hard time concentrating at work. I'm not eating and I am just so fixated on our problems, specifically the affair that everything is on hold. I need to be able to concentrate on her and her alone. Anyways enough of this, I'll be surprised to see if anyone actually read this whole spiel. I'm venting bear with me.

You don't sound like your venting. Now some of my older posts...... he he he that's venting (with style)!!! <p>Anyway SG, what have you read in the way of the MB info here? His needs/her needs? Your W seems to be having the best of both fog worlds you know. She has a place to live (you moved out) and still has access to the OM (even though she told you about it). Even has your approval to go out with him on Friday night (with a group, driving alone in a car but yes I told my H). Hm..... does that sound good to you?<p>Ok, now we know why you are upset. See revelation is good but only if it has direction. To tell you and continue to relationship is for what? Looking for your approval? Her family does not approve and neither should you. <p>So, she wants to go out? Let her know how much it upsets you. If going out is more important than maybe you should move back in and she move out. She needs to see that her choice have repercussions. <p>Read up on plan A vs plan B. Your W sounds a bit like my H, he was willing to put up with the inconviences if he could have 2 beds. Oh boy, I ended that one. It took a while but when I finally saw through his charade, I told him to go to the OW. Now I am not saying to do this yet but don't let her treat you like 2nd rate. K?<p>Read up on the info first. Try to get a session or 2 with Jennifer or Steve. <p>L.

Thanks alot for the reply. I've since taken my stand and I started a new thread about it here:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=014857<p>It looks like we're heading towards a divorce. She's going to lose the people in her life that were willing to help her work through any of her problems. I told her that I can't put up with her seeing him while we are still in limbo. I asked her to commit to our marriage or I would divorce her. This is hard but I can't deal with her going out with him.<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: Seeking_Guidance ]</p>