im a new user to this site. i just finished SAA and found the site yesterday. im hoping to get some support and help. my story is this...married for 7 yrs. together for 10. have 2 boys ages 6 and 12. the 12yo is from my previous marriage. we had been having problems because my husband wasn't connecting with our 12yo like he use to. he was pulling away. what i didn't realize was we were also pulling away from each other. my husband has a very hard time with his emotions. i begged for them to go to therapy for years. this started when 12yo was only 6-7. over the years they and we grew more and more distant. seeing what a good father he was to our other son didn't help. as the 12yo grew up the resentment grew also.(with all of us)in november of '01 it came to a head-i came home from working a 14 hour day to have my husband tell me he wanted me to throw out our 12yo. well the last thing you want to tell any mother is this!!!!!!!!! i somehow remained calm enough to walk out of the room and give him a chance to cool off-came back later and asked if he had reconsidered what he said to me. he hadn't. he drew the line in the sand and the war began. the isolation and lonliness was unbearable. we fought about everything. i finally got a counselour and made an appt. while waiting for this appt-it was 2 wks away-he went out to play pool with a friend. strolled in at 4 in the morning. i was up. said he went to this place that was an hour away. i bought it. that was sat. nite. mon. night he had to stay at work all night- they do a yearly collection of food for the hungry every thanksgiving. came home tues. morning. on wed nite, his early nite home he had to stay because of thanksgiving. on thurs. thanksgiving i decided not to go to his families for dinner because of everything that was happening. he was furious-told me to do it for our 6 yo. i did. things went downhill from there. he never came home on wed. nites early anymore. we barely talked. i went to my first couseling session and had another w 12yo to start fixing this. on dec. 8th my husband had his co. xmas party- a few days before i asked him if we were going because i needed to have something to wear. he informed me that he didn't want to have a repeat of thanksgiving. he was going alone. i was furious. he said that he was up for a big promotion and didn't want anyone to get the wrong impression. i let him go. i knew the rented out a block of rooms at the hotel but never asked if he was comming home. he didn't sun was horrible. we were supposed to go cut a tree down and didn't. we argued instead. i finally confronted him and asked him if there was anything he needed to tell me. we were in a long discussion of our problems at the time. he looked at me across the table and said yes ive cheated. i was devestated. how could he do this to us. i questioned him and he seemed honest about most everything but wanted to protect her identity. she is a co-worker under him. i left for a while to drive around,came back an hour later, made my friend pick up the kids and sobbed uncontrollably. i went to the darkest place, i could never have imagined anything so bad. he moped around sorry for what he told me because i would surely hold it agains him. stayed home from work on mon to be with me. i kept slipping deeper and deeper into the hole. stayed home tues.too. on tues. nite i made the first move toward contact with him. it was as simple as touching his hand. he had such a look of shock. we held each other for hours. notice i dont mention eating or sleeping??? i didn't sleep for 4 days and didn't eat for 2 weeks. i finally got on antidepressants and started to come out of it. however the holidays are fast approaching. did i mention my parents were coming to stay with us for 2 weeks. how could i ever handle this. he was so caring and attentive in those 3 weeks of the holidays i knew somehow i had to find a way to the light and start fixing whatever i could about myself. i needed to get healthy. i kept up counseling as did he. i found this site and the books and they have been a godsend. i have had 1 major setback-found a gift she had given him hidden in our bedroom. i knew it was from her but had to ask anyway-he was honest and saw the pain it caused me and withdrew again. it is so hard to make any sense of this all. i have asked him to read the book SAA and do the en questionaire. i think he will. anyway this is my story- the reason i need outside support is all my friends are the wives of his employees. please if you have any advice or words of comfort-i truelly need them.

Oh, Nikko, I don't know what to say. I am feeling your hurt. It must be tough because you so much want to be a mom to your 12 year old and yet you are needing to try and save your marriage. I have decided that we are stronger than any man thinks we are. <p>I don't have any advice since I am also new here. I do have love and support to give you. Please feel free to vent here. I know that you are going to need it. I hope that you have included your 12 and 6 year old in therapy. I have a 6 yr and they are more knowledgable about what is going on then I ever thought.(Thank you public schools) I have decided that everyday is going to be a trial and everyday you will sometimes go in circles and sometimes you will walk a straight path and other times, God will just pick you up and carry you where you need to go. I know that you are hurting so badly. I hope you will vent here. Onegoing put up additional web-site on January 11. You may want to go out there and be proactive to your situtation. Protect yourself and your kids. May god protect you and keep you safe. May he give you peace, patience, strength and understanding to get through tonight, tomorrow, and the next day. I will say an extra prayer for your kids tonight. I know that your 12 yr old is hurting so much and your 6 yr old is confused. Take care. E

Nikko,<p>I don't really have any advice. I just wanted you to know someone was thinking about you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.<p>
Unsure<p>Bumping this to the top for needed advice.

Nikko, I ask for help from others who have had more experience. I hope they can give you some advice.

nikko--<p>Welcome to MB. We are glad that you found us, though sad that you need to.<p>Sounds like you have had a rocky time as per normal... you have started some soul searching and are recognizing the part you have played in your marriage... that is a huge step.<p>You are seeking outside counseling for yourself and sounds like you are on antidepressants... these are all things that would be recommended to you.<p>Read all you can at this site. Look for the General Welcome... Key to Acronyms and smileys...etc. I would especially read the Noteable Posts...<p>This is a very long road... make that rollercoaster... the more you read and try to make some sense of it... the more you reach out and ask for help and tell your story... the stronger you will get... the first one-three months are the hardest...<p>You will go through stages... much like the stages of grief... denial... anger... depression... bargaining... acceptance... you will move in and out of these stages... it will seem like one step forward and two steps back...<p>But you will survive. I never thought I would make it one month and it has been nine... it is the hardest thing I have ever done... but if my marriage is restored... and my H finds it in his heart to love me again... it will be worth it... I sure hope the fog lifts soon...<p>Good Luck... the traffic is higher on General Questions II... you might post there as well... don't get discouraged if you don't get many replies at first... keep bumping up your post and reposting... persistance pays off...<p>Cali

Nikko,<p>Welcome to MB. You have come to a place where your story is familar. How is your son doing? This A is affecting your whole family. Taking one's anger out on any child is wrong. Very wrong. Yet many parents do this. <p>You as a mother are in the middle of this and you need to take care of yourself in order to be there for your children. Right now, you need to strengthen mom. Let's work on that first. <p>Have you read the book his needs/her needs? More imporantly have you both reviewed the basic concepts located at the top of this page and taken the emotional needs questionnaire. Sounds like there is more to your problem than the A. <p>Family counseling is good. You do need to get some assistance to help you rest or you will wear yourself out. <p>As the BS (betrayed spouse) you will be going through your own phase of emotions. Your H sounds like he is willing to work on the M? This may or may not last. Just be aware. Being here on MB helps you prepare for the worst and learn how to reduce your stress. Also help you to understand why your H may act the way he does. <p>Please read up on plan A. I know you are under a great amoung of stress here and I am asking you to read read read. This will help. Trust me on this. I read for 10 hours straight when I started. Stayed up all night and then copied each page and put together a great binder for my H. Who at the time could care less about MB. <p>Actually you sound like you are in a better position than I was when d/d hit. So this is a good thing. Yet I am sure you still feel down in the dumps. <p>Learn that you can vent here. Pour out your anger, hurt and frustrating feelings here. Sometime the traffic on GQII is more than here. <p>Take Care,
L.

dear unsure,shurt, cali and orchid- thank you so much for the responses. you will never know how much it means to me to have someone to talk to. i sit here with tears coming so fast i cannot see the keyboard-so i appolagize in advance for the spelling- i decided that i needed to have a conversation with husband tonight to try to connect with him. boy did this not go well. i told him i needed complete honesty about the affair so nothing could come at me unexpectedly and send me back to that dark place. we talked for an hour-he agreed to do the en questionaire tomarrow and swore to me total honesty and we talked abou the A. I found out that he still has contact with ow through work phone calls and such. i also found out they were e-mailing each other from my home computer. after all the lies i swore to him that if he could give me nothing but honesty and truth i would always be here. i would never give up. we then went into the kitchen and for some unknown possed reason i logged on and asked for his password. he had changed it. he came over to the computer and gave me some numbers-of course they didn't work. a few more-they didn't work either. he then said it had been so long since he had been on he forgot the new password. i have a saying with my 12yo when i know he is lying and it goes like this- shave my head and strip me naked and show me where you se the words stupid written?????????? how stupid could i really be-everything has been a lie! he hasn't stopped the emotional end of this affair-i can only wonder about the physical side too. he then told me i couldn't have the password because he saved mail from her because it made him feel good about himself. and he also lied about when they stopped contact. i feel so betrayed and used. i have no idea what to do next. i so dont want to push him away yet how can i keep inflicting this on myself. i see the bottom of the hole again and am so scared. the last 2 times i was in this dark, dark place i wanted to die. that scares me sooooooo much. please someone be her to talk to.

nikko,<p>Email me . I will reply you with my info .... you need quick support. Meanwhile I will try to finish reading your post.<p>Hange in there<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Nikko,<p>We are here for you. The worthless feelings are pretty common due to the severity of what you are dealing with. Redhat is offering you help and support. If you need someone to talk with right away more of us can be available. Let me know. I am out in California so it is almost 10:30pm. <p>Don't worry about it being late but I also know if your H is there he may get upset. You can e-mail me also. Would you want my address?<p>L.

redhat-thank you so much i will e-mail and orchid i would love to talk to you too please give address

nikko,
I just reply you back my info please check your email. I will give Orchid email too. I don't think she mind.<p>nikko, it is useless to push H to do what he doesn't want to do. Continues betrayal is very hard and surely will make LB$ go negative in no time. Hang in there. Do not push any more for email, just tell H that you will think of the worst senario, continues contact, if H does not allow you to have the password. It is up to him and just walk away from it.<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Hi Nikko,<p>I am going to pray for you tonight as I write. Can't sleep here. Tough times also. But you need to know that you are in the pit now. It does not get much darker and in fact, will probably have light revealed to you as you emerge. It is so hard to endure what you are going through. You have met so many here who are kind and loving. Many here, inluding Orchid and REdhat have given me sound, loving words which have helped me emerge from my pit. Am still in it and my sitution is degraded into a divorce situation, but you need to know that regardless of the outcome of your situation, you have come to a place where you will find others who morally are conscious and their families are important. It is our prayer that most marriages will survive here,but when the outcome is not what we'd really want, we still support each other. Learn plan a and b. Those are key. I am in process of divorce and in a hard as can be plan b. my stbx is bringing my furniture to my new home tomorrow, despite my attempts to tell him I do not want to speak to him or see him as long as his mistress is in the pic. He just doesn't get it. Pull back, pull within and give your pain over to God and ask us to pray with you. We will do that. God allows us to endure so that we may feel compassion and love towards others and when we realize this, our pain is never in vain. We are simply learning how to love more deeply and to value others. One note: I got on antidepressants to get through this situation, but now know that they just made me more depressed. Best thing to do was to go workout and get into better shape and do little things for myself. Pull yourself up in little ways like us girls know how to do. Dump the pills in the wastecan. I was told to do that by my bro in law who is a surgeon and lots of experience in admitting psych patients. He told me that day of reckoning comes to us in these kind of situations and our solution does not come from a pill. Comes from within and from our Lord. Maybe we can help you pull up from this and see the good within. I almost lost it all. It hurt and sometimes still does, but I am seeing things much clearer and I feel all the better for trying to save my M and family. I have no regrets now. Just do like redhat says, live impeccably. Do that until you can endure no more. Then live again impeccably. I didn't know there were great men still out there b/c I was so used to being told negative things about me, and being victim of infidelity for over 1 1/2 years. There is hope. You will find it no matter what your outcome is here. Friends are here for you now. Gotta go. Need to sleep. Moving into my new home tomorrow and day 1 of my official life as single mom and am optimistic, sure it will be hard as I unpack my life and memories, but I am moving on. If H ever wises up and decides to follow that will be another story. For now, no looking back at all. Just full steam ahead! God bless you.

Nikko,<p>I am still up for a few more minutes. I am glad RH gave you my e-mail addy. Let me know if it is ok to e-mail you also. I will check on you tomorrow. <p>I wish I could take away your pain but know this, you will come through this mess being a stronger and better person. If you H works with you, you both couldeven have a stronger marriage. Hard to believe but some here have accomplished just that. <p>Not to get your hopes too high or too low. Just trying to help you keep balanced. <p>Take care and get some rest. <p>L.

an update-did find a way to get into his hidden e-mail. had worst fears confirmed. he is still having contact. she is actually waiting for me to die. that made me so mad. i guess a little anger can give me strength. i also found out about the i love you's. well on her part anyway. i also know he has told her everything up to recent events. he had promised there was no contact and i believed it. the part that really tears me up is i was plan a-ing it to the hilt. everyone talks about knowing their limit with this and i think i have reached mine. so many people talk about going to plan b only when the spouse has already left-what the he!! do you do if they don't leave and just think its ok to keep putting you through all this???????????? i have not asked him to go but i want to soooooooo badly. i know this is probably just my anger talking but i just dont know what else to do. he seems to think it is ok to decieve me and hurt me in the worst possible way. hard to understand why he stays-unless it is really just for revenge. (he told me that the affair was to hurt me the worst way he could because of all the pain he was in. he use to be such an honest man and so loving------what the heck happened. i miss him so terribly. here come the tears again. im holding that dark place off with my anger right know but dont know how long i can hang on or how i will feel about him with all this anger. if anyone reads this please reply-just need to know someone is there.<p>by the way just so you all know i have sense of humor-i guess he didn't let her know that i have lost almost 40 lbs since dec. 9th. i look better than i almost ever have and i have the confidence to know that much.<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: nikko ]</p>

Oh Nikko,<p>To read those painful e-mails and to see that she wishes you harm is awful. I am soo sorry but here is where you need to keep a level head. <p>Yep, I understand about the kick him out part.<p>Here read this thread it is called the 5 stages of grieving. It is for the BS since we also go through a grieving of sorts from this A stuff. <p>5 stages of grieving<p> http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html <p>Now as for your sense of humor, well guess we might have something in common. In the face of danger you either laugh or cry. Just make sure you aren't laughing too hard!! LOL! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I would be concerned about her 'death' wish on you. Make sure you monitor the e-mail stuff, if necessary look into taking protective action. <p>Why would a person wish you soo much harm if it is not such a big thing?!?!? Well because to them it may be. <p>When I first learned of the A I watched the movie 'fatal attraction'. I even had H watch it with me (at 5am before we both went to work). H said OW was not like that. Right, this OW threatened to throw me in jail for being an abusive W and mother. Accused me of having an A with my own FIL and many other stupid things. Why? Because H had said some things and she exploited them. H said that his dad comes over a lot. Hmm.....let's see that was once a week to pick up our son from school, then I would make dinner for him (FIL is divorced and lives alone). OW accused me of being abusive and abandoning my child. Why? Because one time I got upset at H (when I learned about the A) and drove around the block for 7 minutes while our son was in the house watching TV and H was in the front of the house sitting in the truck talking to the OW!!! Our son is 6 years old. He did not even know I was gone. Yes it was not right for me to leave but I was soo upset. Yep, I delayed their meeting by 7 minutes so she was going to turn me into the police. Are you laughing yet? Well I share this with you so you can see how psyco some OWs can be. Not all but some. 1 psyco OW is 1 too many. <p>Oh my story goes on but I think you get my point. You need to beaware. <p>Get some rest and we will chat laters. ok? <p>L.

dear orchid- thanks for getting back to me. i went through the link you provided. it helped some. its 6:45 est here. i managed to collapse for about an hour. i had to get up to call in to work. i dont really think im going today. h is asleep in his chair in the living room. nice to know someone has a clear enough head to sleep. only being sarcastic. i tend to do that. i feel so lost on what to do-he expressed wanting to be here and fix this yet lies and covers for himself. i get the fog thing but how do you know when to believe them. i truelly feel as if i have close to nothing left for him. it was so hard to accept this the first time he confessed. how do you keep enduring it? if he truelly wants this marriage i need for him to be totally honest with me. how do i get that or believe im getting it without making demands and love busting. which i did all over the place last night. boy when he finds out i hacked into his acct. he's gonna be pissed. in my own defense he knows that when i set out to do something------look out. i bet he never thought i was smart enough, heck i cant even get the abbr. or comp. lingo thing and here i am hacking into secret accounts. that, if nothing else makes me smile. well im back to square one trying to decide to out his ow to her live in partner, whom she is supposedly only with for financial support! i bet he isnt aware of that. i also have the ability to ruin a few carrers and wreek total havoc. i will keep that one to myself for now. but i do fear i will give in to either confronting ow or her partener. why should she be off the hook and feeling no pain for what she has done. i have to add this cause it just popped in my head- my ws actually tried to convince me last nite that i should know how many times ow tried to convince him to stay and work on our marriage. i guess that was between all the i love you's and i miss us's .<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: nikko ]</p>

ps i know this feeling is probably short lived and will be on my a$$ AGAIN SOON, however short lived i am going to enjoy it. may be my only joy today besides my kids. lol till later.

<small>[ February 19, 2005, 05:48 AM: Message edited by: nikko ]</small>

Just wanted you to know that you have the most compassionate people in the world looking out for you. Orchid, Redhat, Cali and all the rest, these are the ones you want in your corner when you are feeling down. Wish there was something I could do to make this go away, but there isn't, just know that you WILL become a better person through this. I was a complete basket case after DDay, but after much prayer and self-reflection, God showed me that I will survive this. I have found so much peace and strength within myself, something that I have never felt before. If a spineless, conflict avoiding, yes dear, mommas-boy like me can do it, it should be a piece of cake for you.<p> she is actually waiting for me to die - I love that line (sorry). I guess it is up to you to make her wait a long, long time. I wonder how long she is really willing to wait (my guess is that she is already giving your H an ulitmatum)? One thing to keep in mind, up until DDay H and OW were living a fantasy life, there was no reality in their 'relationship' The two of them built a relationship around lies, deceptions and secrecy, knowing darn well that they couldn't let anyone know what they were doing. Now that the A is in the open, they can no longer hide behind this veil of secrecy. This opens up a whole new set of problems, something we rational people call reality. Reality is what is going to destroy the A, unfortunately you can not speed up the process, everytime you try, it pushes H further away from you and closer to the OW. Let the A die its own natural death.<p>One thing I realized early on was that I was obsessing over continued contact and it was making me delusional. It was hard to stop, but once I quit worrying about what W was doing, I calmed down a lot and began to focus on what was really important right now, myself and my kids. That is a big part of Plan A. Unfortunately (I'm not telling you this will happen to you), W was still seeing OM and I had DDay #2 on Jan 1 of this year. Yes, this devestated me, but I was able to keep my head held high and know that I was doing my very best, it wasn't my fault, and I had nothing to feel guilty about. W is destroying her life, but I refuse to let her destroy mine or my kids. Hopefully someday soon W will get her head out of the fog, although I think her head is in something else right now, and realize that I was there for her the whole time.<p>Joyce Meyers once said "You can be powerful or you can be pitiful, but you can't be both" God can make you powerful, only you can make yourself pitiful.

thank you slh for the words and advice. i came home and he is furios with me. i have appologized for what i did. we are back to square on-well i am anyway. i blew everything because of my anger about the lies. i know you all warned me but i so wanted to trust him i guess i rushed it. i know -time will heal me and alot of patience. it is just so hard to try to do all this and cope with no one knowing. the 2 people that did know believed in him also. so now i cant even talk to them. it all seems so surreal at times. i sometimes feel as if this cant really be me or my life. but alas it is. well im going to go ruin the way i look by burrying me head in a pillow and trying to get some sleep. hopefully his icyness wont last too long. i know i truelly want him and our marriage and i guess i just have to be stronger to achieve this. wish me luck- on the sleeping and on the chill.<p>ps- husbsnd is reading saa. hopefully not to further hurt me.<p>[ January 15, 2002: Message edited by: nikko ]</p>

nikko,
Glad you are feeling ok. Take it one day at the time. Also, for recovery you have to follow 4 rules or 4 gifts of love otherwise you are asking for trouble. It doesn't mean it have to be done today at this moment but count the efforts toward it.<p>Hang in there and vent in here [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]