Thanks to Cali, JDMac1 and loveherstill for your encouraging words replying to my "SAP" post on the General Q's forum.

Last night my wife asked me "Do you expect me to just end it (with OM), just like that?" I said, "What other way would you suggest?" No answer.<p>This morning on the way to train station I told my WW that life is hard because all I think about is our problem. WW said its all she thinks about, too, but that she knows it is harder for me than for her. I then told WW that she is in control of where our marriage goes. That she and OM are showing me a complete lack of respect and that the longer A continues the harder it will be to restore our M. I told her that if she really believes she wants to be with this man for the rest of her life, maybe it is time she gets the ball rolling. I also told her that if she believes she wants to give our M one last try, I would be willing to move to another state so she can get away from OM. She replied that she has always wanted to move, but what about the kids? I said if M doesn't survive, kids are gonna be hurt alot more than moving. <p>When I got out of the car, she grabbed my arm and said, "Please don't worry. I am not going to see him today. Try to have a good day, OK?"<p>At this exact moment my WW is with the OM. How do I know? 1)She did not go on-line at all this am (first time on a weekday since I knew of A) 2) She has not been home since she dropped kids at school (8:00 am) 3) I called OM's work and he called in today and took day off.<p>I want to leave work and go try to find them. I want to be home when my WW comes home so I can confront her. I want to call someone, anyone, and pour out the whole story to them. I am so lonely I am in physical pain.<p>But I will do none of these things. I will fulfill my normal duties at work. I will go home normal time. I will act totally normal at home and not confront WW at all. I will see if she offers me anything at all.<p>I will come back to MB and listen to all you good people who have trudged the road of happy destiny before me, and seek your kindness and encouragement. And late in the night, when everyone else in my house is asleep, I will quietly sob into my pillow as I ask God when and how this trial by fire will end.<p>--------------------

Wow, you nearly made me lose it here at work. I'm in a bad spot now, similiar to you, and this post struck a chord. <p>I feel for you and I will offer a prayer tonight for you to be able to find peace, be it with her or without.<p>My wife and I separated two months ago, to give us room to breath, take a step back and work on our marriage. She's developed a physical relationhip with a friend she had been growing closer to over the last 8 months. <p>The same day she finally came clean with me, she went to him and they agreed to be just friends and to see one another only in a group environment. This gives me a burning hope and despair. If she still talks to him how can I deal with it how can I close that wound, but at the same time I feel she knows where she should be.<p>We're getting counseling starting tomorrow and I hope, I pray so hard that we can pull through this. The pain of the affair itself is still fresh for me and the highs and lows are enough to rip your heart out.<p>I feel for you, I really hope you can find happiness with your Wife. Wow, there is so much pain in the world, how does it keep moving? How can everyone else continue on as normal when our lives are being destroyed? My God, I hope you hear our small voices.

I am very sorry for your pain and the lies of your
wife make is so much harder. I disagree about you
confronting her about lying to you. The major point I would like to stress is that I think you
are making a mistake by staying the entire future
of the marriage is in her hands. I believe the
future of your marriage is in both of your hands.
When you say your wife has complete control of your future then you have given her total power to decide not only her life but your life and your
children's life as well. You have a stake in your
marriage, your happiness and your children's happiness. It seems she feels she can do anything
because she holds all of the cards. Until she
perceives that there is repercussions to her actions and that she just may lose her marriage due to her actions then why should she simply not continue with her behavior? Maybe a discussion of plan B is in order and then she will have to wake up to the fact that the future will not continue as the present. I wish you luck.

Your story hit very close to home and I wish I could tell you when your storm will end. My H openly had an affair for 8 months while I clung to Plan A. The hardest thing I have ever done was to keep the normal pattern of life together while my husband made a mockery of our marriage. Sitting across from the dinner table listening to him casually explain why he disappeared for days at a time was rough. Even our children stared in disbelief.
Relief came when he finally left. The storm is not over, but the stress has evaporated. I had totally convinced myself that this was my fault. No marriage is perfect, but an affair is not a justifiable solution. When you accept this, some of the pain will heal. My comfort came when I began to view this situation as an opportunity to really assess my relationship with God instead of taking it for granted.
Just keep praying and know that others are praying with you. I don't know how this will end for either or us, but I am sure that God is with those who are trying to keep on His path and He will bless us in some way.

Dear Boppo,
Just wanted you to know that I have been following your threads on GQII and I wanted to say that I believe you are doing a GRRRREAT plan A. You are amazing... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Another thing, I remember a while back that Dr.Harley spoke to a MBer on the telephone (counseling) and he told them that "if they felt like a doormat, then they are doing a perfect Plan A" (paraphrasing)... So, there ya go!<p>Hang in there, buddy!

Thank you BINthereDUNthat, your words are encouraging. If you saw my latest post on GQII you'll know that I had thought that WW didn't see OM. But now I'm not so sure. I think they are leaving a false e-mail trail. But Cali says don't assume anything so I am assuming nothing. I read today a long two page letter OM sent WW last nite. In it he makes statements like <p>"I want you to be sure". "I can't make you love me, you have the control over your heart and you make it feel what it wants. I hope you're sure."i know i can't forget you. i can't let my heart break and it would without you." "i beg you to see what i see and not to worry." "we are more than just friends i need you more and more. Let's give love a try."<p>So it looks like WW is finally communicating doubt to him. Doesn't change fact she is on-line a few times a day, telling him she loves him. However, she is on-line way less than in the past. Also, she is warming up to me as I step back from smothering her. She sent me 2 loving
e-mails today, and left a phone message. WOW! You people on this site have AWESOME advice.
I can't believe how everything I've tried has worked. Last nite I was quietly sobbing about 2 am and my WW rolled over and held me and said she was sorry. Then she sent me an e-mail this morning saying she was sorry for my heartache.<p>I will just keep on loving her, but also keep my distance and keep my expectations low. I am encouraged by Harley's 90% sucess rate. And by all you fine people here at MB.<p>Thank you all and God Bless.