I will try to make this short. My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for 8. We have 2 children, 6 and 5. I have a 14 year old son from a prior marriage. I have always loved teenagers and tried to be involved with them. Our house has always been a kind of safe home for kids we knew with problems. We have had as many as 9 kids staying with us at a time. One particularly stole my heart. She was a 15 year old runaway. I met her when she was 13 and fell in love with her. She is now 18. To make a long story short, she moved in with us last June. To me (and I thought my husband) she was like a daughter. I love her so much. Well, you guessed it. On Dec. 26, I got up to take some cold medicine and caught my husband and this girl in bed together. In the very next room. I was and am shattered. I loved both of them so very much. The girl has moved to Tennessee and my husband and I are in counseling, but the pain is so great. I never, never imagined he would do this to me. He swears it was only physical and that he loves me. That I am his soul-mate and he knows what a stupid mistake he made. I cry a lot and can't eat. Please help.<p>[ January 16, 2002: Message edited by: amh ]</p>

amh,
I am sorry for your pain. You've come to a good place to help you.<p>To answer your question:How do I get through this?Just like the rest of us, darlin', one day at a time. Lots of us pray, too. And we talk to each other. And to counselors. And pastors. <p>I don't think that any of us ever imagined that we would have an affair or be married to a wayward spouse. But it does happen. <p>The important thing is that she is gone and the affair is over. Can you find it in your heart to try to forgive both of them? I'm not into excuses but I'm sure there is a lot of underlying psychological influence behind her part in this and as for your husband, I firmly believe that in the reptilian center of his brain, there is a survival instinct that attracts men to young, fertile, lush women suitable for child bearing--a prehistoric leftover that helped make sure the species survived. Which does not excuse his behavior but may help explain some of it. Women, on the other hand, are attracted to older (stronger, wiser in those days) men who are capable of protecting them and providing support for them. Anthropology lesson over.<p>I know that it hurts that two of the people you love most have betrayed you, but I really think it would have hurt the same if he had an affair with anyone. I think counseling is the great way to go here. I would also look at the Emotional Needs quiz on this site and have your h fill one out...maybe it will help you two discover exactly what he was looking for from this girl (anything from just plain sex to a need for admiration---he may not even realize the reasons himself).<p>One day at a time. Please post back and let us know how you are doing.
franklymydear59@yahoo.com

It's been 24 days. Things are strange. We don't talk, except in counseling. We have read HNHN, but he won't discuss or fill out the questionnaires. Says he needs to get through the pain first. So I just go day to day. I pray. I talk to friends. I am still not eating well. How can I start to heal when he won't talk. Says he is hurting too. That he loved her and that having her totally snatched from him has hurt him badly. And that hurts me badly. He has given her something that was mine. That only we shared - it set us apart from the world and made us close. And now it is gone. I am very depressed.

amh --<p>I hurt for you. It is so hard to have one's spouse pining away for another. I've lived with it for five months now and I finally moved out to get away from the constant pain and stress.<p>diddallas has, as usual, wonderful responses for you. "How can I start to heal when he won't talk?" you ask. It's much harder because the healing is facilitated by your communication and his willingness to be forthcoming and honest. You need responses and answers from him and you're not getting them, so the healing path for you is impeded, but not impassable. You have to move forward for yourself; you can't depend on his sense of responsibility. <p>BTW, IMHO he's not "in love" with this child by any means and therein lies the seeds of hope for you and your marriage. He's in The Fog about her and until that clears (which it has a good clean shot at doing now that she's out of the picture), he can't and won't be able to work on your relationship. The Fog has enveloped all at this point. <p>Read about Plan "A" elsewhere on this site--it's a good direction for you. He needs to see in you what attracted him to you in the first place and once he's clear in his head, you may be able to "win him back." Hard to believe that you've got to repeat that job over again, but life's dealt you a nasty hand here and you have to play it.<p>Yes, he shared something with that child that he should have kept exclusively for you, but he didn't; now what are you going to do? He needs to provide stable reasons for you to trust him again; even so, it will take you time to regain that trust. The more willing he is to provide you with whatever you need or want in answers and actions, the quicker you both can heal this massive assault on you and your marriage.<p>I wish you the very best. Remember, we're always here for you. Post again soon and let us know how you're doing. We are concerned...<p>Ammon

amh...My W has done this to me twice now. I just found out about the 2nd time on Jan 17th. I'm with you kid. I know exactly how you feel. You are not alone. Many of us here have felt and are feeling what you are now. Like diddallas said, it's one day at a time. If you can eat at all that's good. Eat whatever you can. Junk food or whatever. you need it. And go see your doctor for anti-depressants. They not only help you emotionally they'll help you to eat. Bet you've lost some weight huh? Post here to vent your feelings. Get it out. Yell and scream. It helps. I scream at God alot. He can take it.<p> Sometimes sharing our pain with friends makes us stronger. You're among friends here.<p> On a lighter note you might want to avoid men bashing here. Not to mention any names (diddallas) We're not all Neanderthals. But I will admit that most of us are seriously confused.<p> Anyway, You're not alone. Always remember that.

AMMON:<p>How did you do it for five months? It is killing me. I am trying to do Plan A, but it is hard with so much resentment inside me. Sometimes I feel that everyday he sits around pining for her, he kills a little bit of my love. Thoughts of selling our house and moving away occur to me. He is so pitiful. Am I supposed to feel sorry for him??? I don't think so!!! I was looking for some small nails in his odds and ends drawer by his bed and found a bunch of pictures of OW. I confiscated them and then went through all our photoalbums and packs of pictures and took out everyone that had her in them. I might burn them. I wonder what he will do when he finds out? Meanwhile, I am alone dealing with the kids. He stays outside in his shop or sits in a chair and reads. His way to escape I guess, but I am getting tired of doing it all myself. If that is the way it is going to be, maybe he should just leave. I know I am just beginning, but how long is Plan A supposed to last?

amh,<p>You and your H are both in conseling, right ?. Make sure your conselor uses MB otherwise you get it from MB directly. Could your H also read and learn MB ?. Get him to this board. According to Harley, he favor more to compensatory by WS rather than forgiveness by BS. Probably you don't feel that H is doing enough to work on M and you probably right. On my signature below there is a link about 5 stages of greive, check it out. W/o LB talk to your H and explain about your resenment and you might not be able to hold it if condition continues like this. It is his call.<p>Buy HNHN and give it to him to read it.<p>Good luck.

We have both read HNHN. I have been trying to get him to fill out the EN questionnaire. He finally did. We went over them together last night. Talked for 2 hours - a record! Learned a lot of things. Big problem - I still love the girl he had an affair with. She was like a daughter to me for so long. She is very needy. I told her to get a counselor. But it is hard keeping in touch with her. I don't want to desert her, but I just can't give her what she wants right now. I don't know what to do. I told her not to call me anymore - that I would call her if I wanted to talk to her. She called tonight to let me know she is starting back to school tomorrow. WS answered phone. He is not supposed to have any contact with her. We had caller ID so I know he knew who it was. Made me very mad even though the conversation was brief. Told me last night he misses her and was shocked when I said I didn't miss her at all. Any advice?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by amh:
<strong>We have both read HNHN. I have been trying to get him to fill out the EN questionnaire. He finally did. We went over them together last night. Talked for 2 hours - a record! Learned a lot of things. Big problem - I still love the girl he had an affair with. She was like a daughter to me for so long. She is very needy. I told her to get a counselor. But it is hard keeping in touch with her. I don't want to desert her, but I just can't give her what she wants right now. I don't know what to do. I told her not to call me anymore - that I would call her if I wanted to talk to her. She called tonight to let me know she is starting back to school tomorrow. WS answered phone. He is not supposed to have any contact with her. We had caller ID so I know he knew who it was. Made me very mad even though the conversation was brief. Told me last night he misses her and was shocked when I said I didn't miss her at all. Any advice?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>NO CONTACT. You want to loose your H to someone who betray you ?. She has to pay some price, price of stupidity. You have too good of a heart but isn't time to let her go so that she could find the meaning of life ?. IMVHO. Told her that if she wants a future relation w/ your family she better stops and no contact for at least 2 years !!!! otherwise she will never be your daughter again ever. You and H need to work it out and for both of you protect your M. Your H is in withdrawal, be patience. Keep radical honesty line like you did.<p>Good Luck. Keep us posted.<p>[ January 23, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Redhat:<p>I guess what you are basically saying is I have to lose OW to save relationship with WS. Deep inside I have known this to be true, but it is so hard. I have known her for 5 years and letting go will not be easy on either of us. WS does not understand. He thinks OW and I can just carry on our relationship. I think maybe that is his way on hanging on to her. Big problem - She is living with his sister in TN. She grew up with his sister's daughters and they are very close. At the end of the school year, she will probably move back to her grandparents - about 50 miles away from here. It is the same town all WS family comes from. Don't know how to keep them apart!!

amh,<p>Yes, OW needs to learn a lesson in live, tell her that you love her but you have to save your M and you ask her to refrain herself. Tell her that you keep her in your prayer and see what future will bring.<p>With time and no contact your H will be fine but both of you have to work on M based on 4 rules of recovery. Get MB conseling if you need help specially if H is not enthus. about working or give a lot of excuses. About OW, she is horny little girl, she will find someone, hope someone at her age. Just pray for her.<p>Be strong and put the boundry in your M. Meanwhile how are you two working on MB ?.<p>God Bless you.

Red hat<p>I have been reading a lot on this board and am learning. Have read HNHN and several other books along the same lines. He has read HNHN also, but doesn't seem as dedicated. I read WATS Guidelines and that helped me a lot. I spend a lot of time on this site reading about others and their advice. I am trying to Plan A without LB but it is hard. I guess I just need to concentrate on me right now and quit worrying about his participation. He is not very communicative right now. Thanks for your input. I have been following your story as well and am praying for you. You sound like a really decent person who doesn't deserve this crap. Keep the faith!<p>I have a technical question. I log in and then it keeps telling me I need to log in again. Why does it keep kicking me off?

amh,<p>Have a few questions for you. How old is your H and how old was the girl when they started their affair? Does your and his extended family know of the affair?<p>Redhat is right. There should be no contact between you/H and her. She has betrayed you in a most terrible of ways. Your H as too. You may never be able to have a friendship with her again. She is grown up now and needs to find her own way.<p>It takes a while for a couple to sort all of this out and to get beyond the feelings. Just hang in there and keep coming here for support.

amh,<p>Good that you 've realized you are not in recovey but in plan A. A lot of BS miss that point. You start recovery when WS turns around and willing to work on M. Also It seems that you work a lot with trouble teenager, God bless your heart. However I would avoid taking "female teenage" if I were you until you sort out your M problem.<p>About log in again ... if you log in and wonder off outside the forum (Q&A for example), they erase your cookie and force you to logon again if you return to the forum ... security feature, not a bug [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . If you have problem log in then got rejected, it might be a real problem and contact the admin.<p>God Bless you.<p>[ January 24, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

ZORWEB<p>My H is 34. The girl is 18. We have 2 children of our own and I have a son from a previous marriage. He is 14 and is struggling with this. All of the family knows about it. I have not kept it a secret from anyone. Thanks for the words of encouragment and God Bless you.<p>Redhat:<p>Thank you also. Yes, I have always loved teenagers and have had as many as 5 living with me while they sorted out some problem or other. I have learned my lesson about teenage girls. I plan to still work with them, but not invite them into my home again!!<p>God be with you!

Okay, I need some advise. Last night I was outside smoking a cigarette and my H came out and sat down. I asked him when we were going to start our 15 hours quality time together and he said we could start now by discussing a sheet our conselor and given us. Basically just a list of topics. We were to pick one each night and talk about 10 minutes about it. Well, that talk lasted about 3 minutes. Any other time I have wanted to talk, he has said he wasn't in the mood. I feel very uncomfortable whenever I am alone with him. I don't know what to say. He doesn't want to discuss the A and I just don't know what to say to get a conversation going - not that I really ever get the chance. So last night I did something that was probably a LB. I told him I was working hard on improving my lacking areas in his EN, when was he going to start? He said he didn't know. At that point, I went in the house and threw up. I feel sick whenever I am around him, but usually not to that extent. Anyway, what I want your advice on is this - I have decided not to try to get him to talk to me anymore, but to just concentrate on being the best I can be. I am tired of being rejected. He knows where I am if he wants to talk. Is this a good idea??<p>Also, at counseling last week, I told him I was cutting off all contact with the girl. I just can't handle it. He didn't take it too well, but said he knew it was coming.<p>Anyway, that's where I am and would appreciate some words of advise.<p>Thanks!

amh,
{{{{(((HUG)))}}}
You are in plan A, it is hard. You are not in recovery and pushing it out will frustrate you more. Get some med for you, I did take stomach relaxer and continue w/ pepacid to reduce my tummy acid. This emotional impact is not natural, every one has some impacts that showing up in our physical. Fill in LBQ and ENQ as if your H would and keep plan A your butt of. H will comes around and will talk to you about A when he is ready.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Also, at counseling last week, I told him I was cutting off all contact with the girl. I just can't handle it. He didn't take it too well, but said he knew it was coming.</strong><hr></blockquote>
This is one time LB and you have to do it to protect other incident. Patience, Time and Consistency.

Hate to bug you guys, but I need some more advise. I have been Plan A'ing and it seems to be helping a lot. H is beginning to relax and act semi-normal. My problem is that last night (after I have him a back rub and he was sound asleep) I went snooping in his wallet. Now maybe I shouldn't have done that, but I wanted to know if he had picture of OW or phone card, etc. We have been having some money problems lately as he is self-employed and was out of work 2 weeks after I found out about affair. Anyway, the phone bill is due and I have been waiting on him to finish a job and give me the money to pay it. Well what a surprise to find 2 $100 bills in his wallet. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I assumed he had gotten paid early for the job and forgot to tell me. <p>This morning I asked him if he had any money. He said no, just a few dollars. Well I ruminated on this for about 15 minutes and then decided I needed to confront him on it or it would ruin my whole day. I told him I had gone through his wallet and found the money. He said that he had gotten paid for the job yesterday and that he didn't know why he had lied to me about it. "Force of habit" is what he said. Now how am I supposed to take that? I know he was lying during the A, but has he been lying to me about money situation as well? Or just everything??<p>The thing I need to know is do I pursue this - maybe in counseling - or do I let it go to keep from LB??<p>Please help!!!!!!

amh,<p>Yes, you are in plan A however you are trying to work on M w/ H ... IMHO, bring it up during the conseling. You should not confront H since he has not yet committed any crime yet. You should check what he does with the money. You might have to face that your H "buy sex" too, sexual addiction.<p>It is not LB as long as you don't blow up when talking to him or unreasonable demand on him or judgement. Bring it up during conseling.<p>I hate to say this but you probably have to snoop him too, keep track of his time and money secretly. However you do not bring up to him for any finding, just keep researching to see how deep of a mud you are in. Snooping is very dcremental to LB$ and you have to be ready to talk fogese back to him when you get caught ... "If you are honest and nothing to hide you should be fine with me doing this and you are welcome to ask to me, I will give you all access and the info".

Well, he stayed out all night Friday night. Said he went to the lake to think and fell asleep. Now he has put a new password on his e-mail account. <p>What is going on??? How do I trust him when he is acting like this?? I don't know how much more of this I can take and still try not to LB. Do I let him know I know he changed his password. As far as I am concerned, I have the right to know who he is senging e-mail to. Especially if it is to OW. <p>Why would he do something like that?? He must have known I would find out. I am so sick of this pain.