This board is a little confuseing to me,so I hope I am posting this correctly.
12 year marriage that was awesome,till a year ago.Suddenly is thrown into a whirlpool. H is distant,works to much,ignores wife and son,and home. I start hearing stories from friends about a coworker,and there running around,I confront,he gets angry. I find love letters,(that he saved),and he accuses me of invadeing privacy.(?)
I then learn that he was lieing to me about working Friday nights,instead was going out partying all night long,at this point i throw him out(late november of 2001). I ask him to go to therapy,he says our marriage is over. But,agrees to therapy.claims he loves me,but isnt in love?
Now,this OW,he claims is just a good friend,but gives him gifts,sends love letters and is seen with him all over town,and is engaged!!??
I confront him again last week,ask him who the OW is,and he admitts to an affair that he had over a year ago,claims that Oral sex as received 2x,and then it was over. (oh my)...refuses to tell me who it was or why..says it doesnt matter. I see now that this is when our M started declineing.
H is looking for an apartment,says i can have the house,custody,and just wants to make sure myself and my son are taken care of,says there is no affair going on now. (puhlease)..
I am angry!!!!!!!!! but,yes i love him unconditionaly,and want to work on our marriage. terribly terribly confused,,,,,,

boots,<p>Welcome to MB. Learn as much as you can about MB and its basic concept. On my signature there are many link that will help you out. Borrow or buy SAA, read it inside out. It is good that you already take the first step a decision to save your M. You already get the taste of 'coaster ride, hang in there and get medication if you can not handel it.<p>For now, stop pushing your H. It is an LB'ed. Do not take his action or his word personally while H is in the fog. His selfishness take over your H. Follow the flow, if he want apt. and willing to proceed with it, join the ride. He is in control right now. The plan is let him live his A or his fantasy, let A dies naturally. Meanwhile you get busy to better yourself to prepared to catch H when he is back from the fog. For now there is nothing you could do to stop the A. Let it go and put it in God's hand.

Boots,
Welcome, Redhat is right, I might add he sounds like he is full of guilt. Make time with you guilt free for now.
Try to understand how intoxicating it is to have someone tell you your wonderful, and have no real life responsibilities with that person(no kids bills stress...)
Be the best you that you can right now, come here to complain.
You are not alone.

Thanx for the welcome,and the advice. Ive been searching ad reading everything i can on the site. I have to say,that a lot of the stories are eerily familiar. I am finding that the hardest part is knowing that my best friend isnt my best friend right now,and seeing him so lost. But,then I get soo angry,and want to scream at him.UGH when does the roller coaster end? Ive been on antidepressent for a few months now,thank heaven,because i dont think i could handle it with out. I unwittingly,started plan B a few weeks ago. He was spending more time at home under seperation,than he has in 8 months,i told him no way could he just spend all his free time here,that if he wants a seperation then he gets it,and am allowing only one night a week,plus every other weekend with our son,away from me. Wondering now if that was such a good idea?

boots,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I unwittingly,started plan B a few weeks ago. He was spending more time at home under seperation,than he has in 8 months,i told him no way could he just spend all his free time here,that if he wants a seperation then he gets it,and am allowing only one night a week,plus every other weekend with our son,away from me. Wondering now if that was such a good idea?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I do not understand your post. First there is no plan B w/o plan A, it is just asking for trouble. Even if you are in plan A, please review your plan A & it seems like full of LB'ed. Second, how do you plan B ?. you are still in contact and he is still living w/ you. Is he or isn't he living w/ you ?.<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

I only just discovered MB,in the past week,so all the techniques are new to me. No,H isnt living at home,but after he told me he wasnt sure if he was in love with me anymore,and left,he was spending more time at home,than he had in 8 months? of course every time he left,it was with meanness and coldness. I had to put my foot down,and set up regular times he could come home.It was like he wanted his cake and to eat it too. At this point i had no idea about MB,so it seems I *unwittingly* started plan B,without plan A.Iwas back peddling on my own actions,after discovering MB.

boots,<p>Now it makes sense. Don't waffle, go for plan A. Print out LBQ and ENQ, fill in as if your H, his wishes. Start from there. List his issues in M and list you actions to show change.<p>If an EN(s) that he has no issue about and know that you did good, you might want to use it as a bait. Read Venusian Lady's post (CarolKH). It works for WH. Test the water and watch for the reaction ... if H falls for it then go full blast.<p>Good luck.

Update,,,the past week or so,has been a roller coaster emotionally. H has told me he has the paper work to file for D. We went to counseling saturday,and it didnt go well at all..he reiterated that he doesnt love me anymore,but see's me more like a friend? That he hates seeing t he hurt in my eyes etc...but wants out..I told him to do what he needs to do,and have been crying my eyes out. I guess I am pretty much resigned,and have decided that I cant beat a dead horse. BTW,,his female *friend* who is supposed to be just a friend has canceled her wedding,that was less than 90 days away,and he has his own place now.( he hasnt wasted any time),even better is that its less than a half a mile from home. Its amazeing that im not stark raveing mad yet.

Boots,
Sorry your having a bad time. Hold on to your sanity a while longer. He will gain perspective when he is out on his own for a while, it wont be all he dreamed of.
In the meantime pull yourself up and do something fun. (what am I crazy you cant even bear the thought of smiling right?) Work on being comfortable being alone, rejoice that you can eat when/what you want to. You dont have to clean up after him and will do less laundry. You now have time to do all those things you have been putting off.
Here for you anytime, I understand the pain.
You are not alone

Frustration!!!!
I broke today,and called H,and hammered him,,,Im so mad at myself...He moved into his new apartment,,less than a half mile away,,wich is painfull enough...a serious LB....I ws so angry,that i told him i was going to file,,because I hate being seperated etc.....someone have any extra patience???

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by boots:
<strong>Frustration!!!!
I broke today,and called H,and hammered him,,,Im so mad at myself...He moved into his new apartment,,less than a half mile away,,wich is painfull enough...a serious LB....I ws so angry,that i told him i was going to file,,because I hate being seperated etc.....someone have any extra patience???</strong><hr></blockquote>
{{{{((((HUG))))}}}
Sorry I did not catch your post earlier, I went home early last Friday. You just LB ... but if that is what you need to do to stay away ("taking a break") from H, do it. Not that many people could do plan A/B, too painfull, let alone staying with thme while A is in progress.<p>Do not file ... let H file it. Right now, there is nothing worst that pushing your H. Let H live his dream and let him taste it. Meanwhile please, no LB. The more LB you do actually the more you will get hurt.<p>Sorry I am just runing out of patience myself, but distance for a while from H is good thing, to catch your breath. I just talk to OM ... lurk my post on GQ II later.

Boots,
Sorry I too missed your post! Well I am no good at planA either, I LB all the time. It just flew out of my mouth. I guess I have a weak gene.
I hate it that you are having a icky day, what can I do to make you feel better? Oh, I know I could tell you about my day ..... Oh ya poopy diapers, laundry uh that wont work.
Hope by now your feeling better.
Wish I had some magic words to make you smile. I will check on you later tonight.

A loong weekend....OK,,ive discovered a few things,,,I like not haveing lots of laundry,smaller meals to cook,,,and loved watching the superbowl with our son,,alone,,LOL,,,I managed to not call him once since I hammered him on Friday,and plan on sticking to it. BTW,,,the OW's truck is parked at his place nearly all the time *sigh*,,hurts like hades to see it,but find myself feelig insulted more than angry,it truly disgusts me.. I have decided to not file,,,im going to let him do all the footwork,,and expense...Still trying like heck to let God handle everything......

boots,<p>At this time ... it is easier actually to do plan A. Don't pass by anymore even you have the urge. For now, treat yourself nice ... go to salon, go to spa and go to shooping. Get new activity that you always wanted but stoped by H.

Boots,
Sorry to hear about her truck being their, I know how it hits you in the gut. Keep up plan A when you see him.
I told you your life would in some way be easier without him!! I am so glad you found some positives, my H was only gone a week but you should have seen his face when he realized everything got done WITHOUT him - and just as well!
I will check on you tomorrow.

I'm going to say something quite radical and perhaps unpopular here. <p>Monogamy is *culturally* imposed. In many other cultures a man is allowed to have more than one wife. In the Bible, Jacob eventually had four wives, Abraham had two, King David had 18. King Solomon went overboard but most of his marriages were political. Do we assume we are better?
The Bible also allowed a man to have a 'pilegesh' - a 'mistress' who has fewer rights than a full wife- all with the wife's knowledge.
In Japan the Geisha girl actually added status to the wife. <p>If a guy has more than one woman in his life, this might not in itself be so abnormal. It may actually be a need for some men. <p>It is NOT a reflection on the worth of any particular woman who is attached to him. Our self worth should *not* depend on our exclusivity to some mortal guy, it should depend simply on our own self worth. <p>The problem here is not so much the multiple relationships, it's the *deceit*. He's deceitful because he actually hopes to get away with it *without* hurting anyone's feelings. He doesn't *want* to hurt his wife, he has NO intention of being cruel in this respect, but he cannot bear to be restricted. He's not being an animal, he's being a normal, healthy red blooded guy- and many such guys, and I've met a few, are otherwise very compassionate, wonderful people.
I think it would be better if society would allow guys to have multiple relationships NOT in the closet, so that there would not be shame or dishonesty. Since there is a surfeit of women, more people would be able to enjoy loving relationships.

birdinacage [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Birdinacage,
Without agreeing or disagreeing with your comments let me say that having spent some months reading here your post is way off the subject. Marriage Builders is about people who want to preserve and protect monogamous whole life relationships. Some people here are suffering to an extent that the debate you seem to be opening could cause real damage.
Please search "Open Marriage" on the web and you should find an appropriate forum.

I want to choose my words carefully here,,LOL,,,That was total hogwash. This is what happens when an intelligent person is attempting to justify something that in our society is unacceptable. Neither of us signed up for an *open marriage*,we signed up for the long haul,and exclusivety. I appreciate your biblical references,but in the same token...Why no New testament references? I am not discounting the power of the *living word*,but I like to think that Jesus Christ changed some of the rules....
If deceit is involved in a relationship,and you know someone is going to be deeply hurt and affected for life, there is no justification,,IT IS SIMPLY WRONG!
Just my 2 cents [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Seems,that hubbies individual meeting with the therapistdidnt go the way I had wanted. He even gave her permission to tell me about the session. She couldnt get a toe in with him emotionally,and basicaly told her *its over*,,,sooooo next week we start *divorce counseling*,and he has the papers to file... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] ,,,,Guess I have to live with it...I am so tired of the emotional roller coaster,and feel totally washed out..I am packing up the rest of his *stuff* for him.