My W had an A with a co-worker. She has since stopped the A and quit her job. We have had alot of problems throughout our marriage. I have been distant. We are in counselling. I just don't know if I can forgive and forget. I have a feeling that I will never be able to really get that intimacy back and I don't know if I want it back. I feel like I should be on my own to start new life with someone who will not treat me this way. It would be nice to read some success stories. Any help would be appreciated. <p>We have been married for 5 years and I have been working and my W was in school the enitre time.

rollercoasterride,<p>Get conseling from MB. You might be able to forgive but it should not be forgotten or else will be doom to repeat.<p>Have you talk to your W about your resentment ?. Let her know. About starting your own A ... don't !. It won't help you, you have to figure out first the thing that is wrong w/ you, fix it. If there is no changes from her then you decide to Dv to move on.<p>For success story check out Recovery board and post there for question on success story.<p>Good luck.

Did you try Plan A? If you still love her then you should try. Unless things were so bad that you have already given up. Listen to all the people on here who stand by their WS while they are still involved with OP. It's a good sign that the A is over. HEaling can begin and you can become stronger together. I promise.

roller,<p>I&#8217;m no expert but I thought I&#8217;d stick my nose in here.<p>Your feelings of wouldn&#8217;t it be easier/better to just start life a new is perfectly normal. I know I went through a stage of that and would guess that most do. But I believe that in the long run leaving without a fight isn&#8217;t for the best as it leaves to many &#8220;what if&#8221; questions that may haunt you forever.<p>You&#8217;ve been given some good advice and great links, but I&#8217;d like to add a few things to consider. Like if nothing else just spend some time reading about the principals the Harley&#8217;s/MBer&#8217;s use.<p>The philosophy that while we the BS did not make the decision to stray we certainly cultivated the environment to let it happen is a bit hard to swallow, but IMO very true. Given that, starting over is really of no use because unless we learn how to fix ourselves we are very apt to cultivate the same environment in a new relationship. So if you&#8217;re going to fix yourself, why not keep the marriage you have and fix it too. After all if you can ride this out and be happy what will ever ruin the new marriage you&#8217;ve created?<p>As for the old Forgive and Forget scenario, the best piece of advice I&#8217;ve ever received from a fellow MB&#8217;er, was that forgiveness is something you give yourself. Why is that? Well who gets hurt more if you hold onto your anger? You, or the target of that anger? The answer is you do! Sure you can leave your W, Blame her for everything, learn to hate her all the time, call her vicious names, ect. But once she is gone and has moved on with her life you&#8217;re still left with your anger, so again who gets hurt more by a lack of forgiveness. If you can force yourself to forgive, or at least understand how it could have of happened, the rest of the recovery process will flow much easier.<p>As RedHat said you can forgive but never forget. To me, on my good days, not forgetting means, yes I do remember the A enough to look for signs of another. But more than that it reminds me that unconditional love and happily ever after are things possessed by only Jesus and Fairytales. Of which I am neither. In the mortal world love is the product of our own actions and it&#8217;s my job to be sure I&#8217;m doing everything I can to make this woman (My W) continue to love me. <p>As for success stories, they do exist. Unfortunately, many of them have moved on with their lives and don&#8217;t stop by so much anymore, if ever. While I do have moments/days/and yes even weeks when a dark cloud slips in, I still consider myself a success, overall we are happy. I look at my wife with love, not anger. I am 90% sure this will never happen again. The other 10% I&#8217;m keeping as my safety net. I&#8217;ve accepted that she really just made a mistake, and as hard as it is to admit, I was the reason that the mistake was made. I&#8217;m in love again, and while there was a time I couldn&#8217;t imagine being with her forever, now I can&#8217;t imagine being without her. And yes I have the intimacy back, I adore my W.<p>I&#8217;m not there yet, but I&#8217;m getting there, for me the key was letting myself.<p>os

I have read everything on this site and in other books. I guess I just feel that I don't have it in me to go on with this relationship. We had problems before the A. My W was just finshing university and we were in the process of having a new home built. We were supposed to try and start a family back in 01-FEB. She got scared with to much happening at once but never told me. <p>I did try a plan A of sorts. I knew that she was being way to friendly with her co worker. I was also in denial. I tried to be more loving and supportive but she did not believe me. It was always "You never tell me I'm attractive." and when I do complement her on things she tells me that I don't mean it. <p>Since the A was discovered she started a new e-mail account and continued to email him. I asked if I could have all of her accounts and pass words and she stated that she needed her privacy and that she never felt like she had that with me. I was always questioning her about what she had done in the day. <p>I still feel like I have to tread on ice every time we speak. In counselling I tell all and she gets mad. I don't hear about it untill we leave the counsellor. Once we are out the door then I get it. Lots of LBusters. I just keep getting drained. <p>I feel like it is so unfair. They get to have the A and it is supposed to be ok. I feel like a door mat some times. Its like they get to have their cake and eat it. <p>I may not have been the best husband in the world but I did not deserve this! It seems so one sided. I guess you have to work at something if you want it. I have always known that. The problem now is that with all the negative things in our relationship I don't know if I want it anymore. <p>Thanks for listening [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

rollercoasterride,<p>Yes, only you could decide if you want this M or not. However it seems that you do then you have to plan A'ng your butt off.<p>Yes, you have to win her back. It is a twisted world, isn't it ?. But you could rebuild your feeling once she is fillin some of yours EN. For now, you are not in recover at all, don't fool yourself. You are in plan A. Focus on your effort not her.<p>Watch out those LB and address her issues. She will reject and deminor your effort but it is not wasted. They have to convince them self that your changes is there to stay. If you really meant it then continue ... basically in fogesse term ... Pleeease don't ... but inside they say ... don't stop !! LOL !!!. Do not get discourage, my WW told me to put the love notes that I wrote for her on the table as if she doesn't care. You know what I caught her referring to the letter by mistake. She read it and she remember it [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . If she said you don't means it, just don't answer it ... keep doing it. If you stop you will have a hard time showing your changes in other "big" aspect.<p>No one want this M, no one ... including your WW !!!, that is why she run to begin with. What we want is a better marriage, caring and loving marriage that makes your teenage kids say eeeks !!. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] But that's the end goal is. You have to be ready to be the better husband and be there when she is turning around and willing to work on A. Hang in there and vent in here.<p>Good luck.

Dear Rollercoasterride,<p>How long ago did you discover the A? How long after did the A end? If this was recent, you feelings are very normal. Don't make any hasty decisions re: your W until at least 6 months. If you had a troubled marriage this is your opportunity to make it better. New relationships have troubles too and no marriage is affair-proof. My H had an A with 2 co-workers and we are getting better every day. I'm so glad that I didn't throw his a%* out when I found out. HIs mind was on other women and I may have never got him back!! New girlfriend/new wife - not going to be perfect I'm afraid. Learn how to meet her EN and don't give up without a fight. NO REGRETS!

Thanks everyone. I left my W in 08/01 when I did not even know about the PA. I had suspicions but not any real proof. W was very distant and did not want to spend time with me. W was very defensive about OM, Only friends.... W told me that she was not sure if she wanted to be married. I had been suspecting since 04/01. We got back together on Halloween when we moved into our newly built dream house. 34 hours later I found a journal that I thought was mine in a night stand and found out about the whole thing, every sorted detail. <p>I was furious as I had been cheated on before by a past girlfriend. I had told my W that if she ever did that to me I would leave. In my angered state I told my W to get out of our house. She left in the middle of the night. We continued to talk and decided that if we were going to work on our M then we needed to be back together in the same house. <p>Now it has been almost 2 months since she has been back. I am so up and down about how I feel. I was expecting her to do most of the love deposits. I thought it was her responsibility to show me how much she was sorry and how much she wanted to have me back. I did not work very hard at making her feel needed or even wanted. <p>She was so emotionally and physically drained that she was not able to do it right away, but I expected it right away. <p>I read the material in this site and wonder how anyone can get over the hurt. The thing that strikes me the most is to do what ever you have to do so that in 10 years if the M does not work out at least you have no regrets. <p>This is my failure. I have not met my Ws' needs. Not in the past and not now in the present. If I end it now then I have just quit and walked away from my failure. <p>In saying that I have a hard time looking towards the future. Will I be happy with my W. Can we forgive each other for our past mistakes and move on. Can we do it. There is a lot of work to do and neither of us know if we have the energy or will to put in the effort. <p>I know that I can leave and be alright. I can put the blame on her for ruining our M. But this does not make up for the hurt I will feel about loosing someone who has been such a huge part of my life. <p>The hurt my indecision has caused is great. My W does not trust me to stay committed. My inlaws are pissed because one day I want to stay and the next I want their daughter out of my life. My inlaws know about the A and are not very happy with my W eiter. She has not had a great deal of support from her family. <p>Councelling is helping but I need to come to an decision and stick to it. <p>The last two days have been good. My W and I have talked and cuddled, exchanged back rubs and hair rubs, her favorite. <p>She cant stand the idea of me being in our dream house with someone else. She has applied to a teaching job in Texas. We live in Canada! She wants a fresh start. She is also torn on what to do. My indecision makes her crazy.<p>Thanks for any input. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

rollercoasterride,<p>Could we trade place ?, your W is willing to work on M and up to the point of giving up on you. Do you know how many BS willing to give anything to trade place with you ?.<p>You are a very selfish man. All you could think of is yourself. You have not "fix" yourself to become her freinds and help her in the recovery. You have not fix your issue(s) in M. Read Ephesians 6:28,29.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>In saying that I have a hard time looking towards the future. Will I be happy with my W. Can we forgive each other for our past mistakes and move on. Can we do it. There is a lot of work to do and neither of us know if we have the energy or will to put in the effort.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Read this link Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?. Tell your W what it needs to be done to "compensate" you and for you to "compensate" her. I disagree with your assumption of W is not willing, you are. However I agree w/ W that recovery has to be done by both of you. Any M requires work otherwise you have to marry a slave to fill in your EN.