My WW has been in A for 5 months. D-Day was 12/7/01-almost 7 weeks ago. A continues, unabated. Both WW and OM have told me, separately, that it is up to the 3 of us to protect children from being hurt by not telling them of A. I tend to agree, IF A ENDS and our marrriage gets restored.<p>HOWEVER, if I am forced to move out of house (Plan B), or WW decides to separate and take kids, or the big D happens, I believe my 2 teenage D's should be told the whole truth:<p>that their father loves their mother and wants the marraige to work but that their mother has made a choice to leave father for another man and end marriage<p>My wife says if I ever told kids this, it would be a spiteful, hateful attack on her. OM says I can't possibly love my wife or kids if I would do this. But I believe WW must be held accountable. Right now, she is getting a free ride. I have not demanded that A end, I just keep loving her and Plan A'ing. But if she ultimately makes the choice to give up her marriage, she has to deal with the consequences. This means the family knows the truth, our Christain fellowship of 10 families that we meet with regularly must know the truth, and our children must know the truth.<p>By the way, my WW has made comments to the effect that our friends have accepted one guy's new wife into their midst, but I point out that his first wife died of cancer, no adultery involved. Her reply "So I guess you'll tell everyone what a terrible person I am?" But, other times, my wife comes back from fellowship with these women and tells me how dirty and sinful she feels in their midst, so I know there is some conviction there.<p>Anyway, what do we tell our teeenage girls, and when?

boppo57,<p>Good question, I have struggled with the same issues. Mine are 20, 15, & 11. The 20 yr old contfronted his dad recently about what was going on. His reply - financial & business stress.<p>I told kids that Dad & I had some things to work out that I wasn't going anywhere. (WH moved out in 99 to care for sick Father & then stayed out of state) They may know but for right now I don't think I'm going to tell them.<p>Sounds like you wife is feeling guilt & thereby her response to you. <p>Dobson's book Love must be tough advocates telling older kids & letting them feel the consequences of their actions.<p>Other things I have read - don't tell so WS could come back & not feel the weight of the world against them.<p>This issue is also addressed at Dear Peggy.com<p>Have you talked to Steve / Jenifer Harley? That might be the best place to start.<p>I look forward to all the relys to this post<p>Blessings

Boppo57 & Legacy ...<p>I told my 9 y/o and 12 y/o, I have no choice since her mom AWOL and MIA most of the time. They are both handeling well, we cling to each other and make us closer than ever. If A is continuing you have to tell. Play a fogesse line back to WS ... "I disagee with your conduct and sooner or later our kid will figure this one out and I do not want them to grow up thinking this is ok treatment. Either you tell the kid or I will, decision is yours.". Do not mention fo stopping A, it is their choice to do it.<p>Beleive me they know !!!. My 9 y/o suspects it and tell me about a suspicious mustache man appearing several time by "coincident" ... 6 month before D-day. What do you teach your kid ?. At the same time you have to explain to your kid too about plan A so that they don't get confused.<p>You will hurt them more if you protect it ... they will feel that you agree w/ WS behavior and they could do it to their spouse in the future. they will feel that what other family secret there are that they don't know. How could they be honest with you in their live ?. Let put it this way, teach them radical honesty and help them to deal with it.<p>I would tell, it is part of exposing A.

I have to agree with redhat, we tryed to hide the whole mess from our kids too, 11 and 14. Well about a year past d-day I had a melt down and the kids heard me crying late one night. My oldest asked my wife if dad was going to leave. My wife was surprized to hear her say that and then out of the blue she said "I know everything". [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
My wife had a long talk with her and it turned out that they both knew and they said that they figued it all out long ago. Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit. I have heard this many times from others too.
By the way, that meltdown I had was one of the last of many and I am pleased to say that my marriage has recoverd and is better now than it ever was before. Just wanted you to know that there is hope and by Gods grace you will recover too.<p>God bless,
SH

I also told my children 10 and 18. I did not tell all the details but the basics. It was one of the most important factors that brought my FWH to reality and made him end the A.<p>I feel the children need and deserve to know the truth. It will help to teach them not to lie and hide secrets and that having A is not the thing to do.<p>stay strong and good luck<p>
SLH

Anyway, what do we tell our teeenage girls, and when?[/QB][/QUOTE]<p>My heart goes out to you. I've been lurking here since last summer when I found out my husband of 21 years had been having an EA/PA with my best friend for the past 3 years. Her son was best friends with my son (age 10) and our families did everything together. She even used me to babysit for her kids when she and WH got together!<p>WH confessed while he and my son and I were on vacation. My daughters (20 and 18 at the time) were home. I was a mess and the girls knew something was wrong by talking on the phone. I told them we'd talk when I got home but that if they needed anything to call another one of my friends, not OW. That told them everything they needed to know, but I couldn't bear that they would call the OW (which would be a natural thing for them to do) and tell her that there was something wrong. My son was in the middle of some pretty horrible fights and tears, but we all survived.<p>When we got home over a week later my devasted, depressed, anxiety-ridden WH told both the girls. The older one was pretty calm, the younger one (18) was furious. She also was dealing with guilt from having seen a look between them that made her uncomfortable about 2 years earlier.<p>My son didn't want to know anything, but together we talked to him in generalities. He knew after all the fights while we were gone - but he didn't really want to know. <p>Because of the connection between the families we had to tell the kids - we didn't want any more lies. The OW finally told her husband and they moved away as soon as they could. <p>The fallout for everyone has been horrendous - my oldest daughter is living with her fiance and has resolved most of her feelings toward her father. <p>My son lost his best friend (although I ferried the boys back and forth so they could play before the move)and has struggled daily - but loves his dad and in his way has forgiven him.<p>My middle daughter (who was the closest to her dad) started college in the fall and continues to be angry and bitter. <p>All of them have had to deal with a double betrayal from adults they respected and loved. It is a harsh reality no child should have to deal with.<p>I guess all of this is a long way of saying - don't lie to your children, especially older ones. While it may seem like you are protecting them, IMHO it's a perpetuation of the lies their parent forced them to live. They don't need details, but they need to know something. <p>Let them know you love them - let them know you want to work things out and try hard not to put them in the middle. Their emotions are on the same roller coaster as yours - their world will never be the same. <p>You're in my prayers as are so many on this site. Stay in touch with the people here - they are a blessing.<p>[ February 01, 2002: Message edited by: mamaduck ]</p>

This is my feeling based on my own situation. <p>fact: most affairs *don't* end in remarriage with lover or unfaithful spouse moving out.
For the sake of the kids, for their schooling, mental, emotional, health, societal impact, esp. through teenagehood, better they don't know. If they find out when they grow up and it's long after the fact the kids will likely take it much much better.
If, in the relatively rare event, it does look like there will be (preferably amicable) separation and remarriage, then I think they should be told this, but why do they need to know details of the affair retroactively? Why increase their pain unecessarily? It's really the parent's private business. The general parent-child relationship must not suffer in the meantime.
If they guess they guess and if they confront and ask it's better not to lie, or if you see clearly that the kid has kind of figured it out and wants to ask and is shy, then I'd say tell him. Noone should be made out to be a horrible person for loving inappropriately.
I think the chief fear of the unfaithful spouse should not be discovery by the spouse but discovery by the kids, and certainly he or she should be aware of the terrible consequences of such discovery for the kids.
I'm a mother of such kids and I am not sure if my teenagers have figured out what is going on here yet. I don't think so and it's better that day never has to come since the affair has no future.