I just learned of my wife's affair last Friday. I am completely devistated.<p>We had been married less than a year when she started having an affair. It lasted over our first married summer. She ended it in the hopes of working things out with me but never told me of her need to work things out (or I simply did not understand what she was telling me). She has always had a problem with honesty. She has low self-esteem and not a good self-image. I can only imagine that those are the reasons that lead to her affair.<p>We started to go to counseling one day prior to me learning of the affair. She has stated that she wanted to separate -- which came as a total shock to me. My wife and my marriage are the most important things in my life. I feel so sorry for having neglected them but that does not excuse her behavior. At counseling, I learned that she had already been going to counseling since October (but I was unaware). On Friday night, she was not home at the time that I had expected her to be so I went looking for her at a friend's house. I found her there with the other man who had moved out on his wife and their newborn. That is how I learned of the affair. She said that the affair had not restarted, at least physically. That had told each other that the love them -- and she has told me that she loves him more than me.<p>So here I am today, one day away from being alone in my home. She moves out tomorrow or Saturday to live with a friend. We are getting separated. We live in a town where I have no friends and family are hours away. I feel so alone and it will only get worse when she is gone. I have no support network here.<p>She has stated that she does not want to see him any more but she does not know if she wants to see me. She is going to try to get her head straight while living away from me.<p>We are going to seperate churches and separate counselors now. She is not ready to work on our marriage until she knows what she wants.<p>I am on anti-depresants to help deal with the pain I am feeling. All I want is her love and I am willing to do anything I can to show her that I can love her as she wants to be loved.<p>I have arbitrarily decided to see if I can last in the limbo of separation until the end of March. I hate not knowing what she is feeling and doing, if she is out with another man, or if she is simply waiting for me to crack and divorce her. I don't think my sanity and health can last much longer than that. I am not eating (lost 10 lbs in a week) or sleeping and have no passion for anything in life currently -- not my job, not my hobbies, nothing except for my wife.<p>Please pray for me and her and offer any advice as to what I can or should do. I am familiar with many books from this site and am at a loss on how to proceed. It almost appears we are in plan B without ever doing plan A. Yet, I need to show her somehow that I can be the man she wants. How can I do that without invading her space away from me?<p>-Longing in Indy.

Longing,<p>Don't have much time right now but want you to know that I will be back later today. Hang in there.<p>{{{hugs}}}

Longing, all I can tell you is Plan A man. Tell her,show her when you can, and let her know always that you love her, want her, and need her. And in the meantime pick ONE hobby that you can get into. And eat whatever you can hold down. Deffinately keep up your liquid intake. Not liquor. Spend time reading this site. So many, myself included have been or are where you are. I feel lucky in that we never actually seperated though we did sleep in seperate rooms for quite some time.
I know the loneliness. I know the pain. And I know the fear. And so do a great many on this site. Respond to my e-mail and let me know where you are. And keep posting. There are many here who can help. You have my prayers. Jerry.

She moved out tonight.<p>We had a nice dinner where we discussed the boundaries of the separation -- such things like bills (we are maintaining the same bank accounts for now), visitation (she will try to reach me by phone before coming into the house), credit cards (I cancelled all of them except for one for each of us) and other small issues. When she left tonight, she was teary-eyed and she initiated a hug with me. I don't want to read too much into that but it does make me feel good. It is the first time she has intitiated any contact with me in weeks. Perhaps it was simply the thought of having to leave her house and sleep on an air mattress at someone else's house that made her feel sad. I don't know.<p>I have been Plan Aing all week. Well, all week since I went on anti-depressants (Monday). Prior to getting on meds, I would do nothing but cry and beg her to not leave me. Now I am much more level-headed and I think that helps her as well. She did comment twice this week that she could tell that I have been trying. I just don't know if that trying will lead to anything good.<p>I will continue to Plan A her but I don't know where my boundaries are. She does not know either. Should I call her? Should I send her flowers or nice cards? Since she does not live with me and since we really don't have an obligation to talk on the phone, I don't know just how hard I should plan A the situation. She does not desire to work on our relationship at this time. She is trying to figure out who she is and come to terms with her actions. I just want to make sure that anything I do does not make it more difficult for her to do that.<p>-Longing in Indy

Longing,
First things first, I am one who truly understands your pain. I as many others here on MB are going through the same thing you are going through. This site is a god send for me. I found out about my wifes A's the week before christmas. and my first post was on christmas eve. Merry Christmas. But you really need to concintrate on learning all you can. From my perspective on plan A is this, Plan "a" is for you and for you alone. It is a time to wich you reflect and find yourself. Its a time in which you can learn to be a better husband and truly make yourself so desirable to your spouse so that she will no longer desire any one but you. This is a time with no real time limit, could be one month or one year. Everyone's situation is different. I don't doubt you love your wife. But like in my situation I didn't know just how much I really loved her. PlanA really helped me with this. During and even until now planA is still being implamented here. Don't LB (love bust) at all, this is very important.<p>I know you said you know of the books that are talked about here in MB, but have you read any of them? If not get them if you can. <p>My first book I bought was Love Busters. It is a very helpful book on helping you recognize these LB's. A great big EYE OPENER here.<p>I'll check back tomorrow. Thake care of yourself.<p>
[img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Yes, I have read three of them: Love Busters, Fall in Love, Stay in Love, and ironically, Surviving an Affair. My wife and I bought the last book over the summer because we were having problems (obviously since she was having an affair) and she thought it had some good information in it, even thought neither of us had an affair. I guess I should have seen the clue for what it was.<p>My problem is still the fact that with her not living with me and with us not having any need for contact, how do I go about plan A? I don't want to smother her and drive her away. She needs counseling for her own personal issues and I am concerned that any plan Aing may interfer with her finding out who she is.<p>Does anyone have any specific ideas of what to do in this sort of situation? If she was home or we simply had a long distance relationship, I would know what to do but with her not living with me and having no desire to work on our marriage, I don't know how to proceed. Any specific suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Longing, Just my perspective and what "seems" to be working for me. Send a card once a week. Let her know you love her and she is welcome home to work things out. Don't call her. Let her call you. In any and all communications GENTLY let her know that you love her and you want the marriage. Then drop the subject.
Part 2 to this is that it's a lot easier said than done. But keep trying! My prayers are with you.

Thanks Jerry, anyone else?<p>I don't even know the address of where she is moving too (I have been afraid to ask in case it was seen as a LB) so I am not sure if I will be able to send her cards or not.<p>I can't imagine cards will be sufficient, though, I don't know. Should they be friendly, romantic, humorous, or something else?<p>I am really at a loss. None of the books I have read from this site cover such a situation -- where the WS has moved out and is not currently interested in making the marriage work.<p>That GENTLY comment is the key. I don't want to hit her over the head with my feelings yet I want to consistantly reminder her and consistantly demonstrate to her that I can love her in the manner she wants (not that she even knows fully what that manner is).

Longing,<p>It is not LB to ask her address as long as you do not demand it. Just ask her, Can I get your phone# or address so that I could forward your mail ?. If she refused, don't go there and don't get mad.<p>Keep posting here.<p>You might not have any choice about the cards ... she is in control now. Try to look something to boost her self esteem, admiration of her will boost that.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I am really at a loss. None of the books I have read from this site cover such a situation -- where the WS has moved out and is not currently interested in making the marriage work.</strong><hr></blockquote>
???? look around, most of BS here are alone and separated from W. Mine is "moving out". Read Torizo saga, he is still not out of the wood yet but it will give you a glimse of hope. His love line is phone ....

Longing,
Hey, hold your head up and try to keep a positive outlook on things. JerryW hit the nail on the head though, It's easier said than done. But look at it like this, we all here are here to try and fix a problem. In order to fix something you must have tools. Well, here is your tool box. I am no expert, but I have found some very valuable tools here. I may still not know how to use them yet, but with a little patients I am sure we can figure them out together.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> <hr></blockquote>I am really at a loss. None of the books I have read from this site cover such a situation -- where the WS has moved out and is not currently interested in making the marriage work[QUOTE] <p>In surviving an affair, the story about Jon and Sue seems to be close to your situation. Maybe if you have a little time you could refer back to there story it starts on page 12 and goes pretty much through chapter 12.<p>As far as you, to help with these bad times you could find some kind of activity to take your mind off the situation at hand. For me I quit smoking and started a gym. Sore muscles can really help to take your mind off stuff. Take it from me. LOL
I will check back later. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Bryan

I think it's okay to ask her for her phone number, and address. She can always say no. You can always say I would like to be able to write you. Also does she have an e-mail address? From a woman, my advice
I would write to her creatively and sensitively. First establish that you realize that she needs to reflect on what has happened and for that matter, so do you. Emphasize that you love and care for her and that you would like to address the problems in your marriage, grow and create something that satisfies both of your needs. The fact that she showed you SAA almost seems like a cry for help. In a series of cards or letters you could for example, reminisce about a good time you had together, ending respectfully something like I don't know where our roads will lead but I will always treasure that moment. Send her a letter with a beautiful poem, not anything about love per se (don't pressure her), maybe just something about beauty in the world. (Unless you are absolutely not the poetic type) Tell her about something you did one week, a movie you saw,or a walk you took, and just say I wonder what your thoughts would have been.....
Plan A is where you work on yourself, show her you're willing to learn about/meet her needs and also that you will learn about your own needs. Remember Harley says it's our job as well to help our spouse to learn how to meet our emotional needs. Plan A does not last indefinitely. I would talk to the Harleys to set up your plan. Plan A always has a time limit from what I understand. Moving to Plan B I believe would mean that you would send her a letter saying that you will not continue the contact with her because it is too painful for you- see the sample Plan B letter in SAA. I also hate to say this but I would assume that she is in the A still- isn't that why people usually move out?
Good Luck!

Thanks for your help folks. Keep the advise coming.<p>I will email her and ask her for the address. I just hope that she does not think that I will use it to check up on her.<p>As far as her still having the affair. I doubt it but what do I know? She said she ended it in September but just recently they told each other that they were in love. I think she realizes that he is no good for her -- he had an affair with a newborn in the family -- so even if she does not end up with me, I think it is at least physically over between the two of them.<p>I think she moved out because she no longer loves me and it is too stressful to live in the same house with me until she comes to term with her behavior (and decides if she wants to continue the marriage). I tend to see it more as her running away from the situation so she does not have to deal with it until she is ready. Her family knows of her affair and what is going on but she does not talk to them about it.<p>Another question: With Valentines coming up, any advice on how to approach that? My church is having a function for young married couples and I would like for her to go with me. The church members are not aware of what is going on (I have not told them to keep them from being mean to her if she does ever come back). Even if the church function is out of the question, how so I go about letting her know my intentions to spend time with her on that day? Send her a formal invite? I don't want to pressure her at all. That is the very last thing I want to do. I want her to feel as though she has free will and opinion. All too often, my requests have been interpreted as demands and I want to avoid that.

Longing,<p>We scare b/c we care ... (taken from Monster, Inc.) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Be yourself, one thing that most BS do is unsure what step to take since we scare we will misshandle the situation.<p>Just ask her, start w/ "What do you think if ...", If she decline, just say o'k and change the subject and then go by yourself.

She sent me an email this morning telling me that she is learning just how important I am to her and just how lonely she is. I frankly don't know what to think of that. I want to see it as an honest expression but I am concerned that it is the fog still talking. I think she still maintains contact with the OM and I know that she is still emotionally tied to him.<p>I am now reading the book by Dr. Phil, Self Matters. I am trying to determine what I want from life. I am to dependant on her for my enjoyment from life.<p>I am still looking for ideas of things I can do to show her that I care and that I love her in a non-threatening manner. I have asked her for her address to send her mail but she thought I wanted the address to forward her mail. I have not heard back from her on the clarification. I plan to send her lighthearted email as well. As it is now, she is living without me being able to fulfill any of her emotional needs. I need some suggestions on how I can work on those needs from afar. My assumption of her emotional needs are Conversation, Admiration, Affection. I don't have a good idea of how to meet those needs in our current situation.<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: Longing ]</p>

Longing,<p>You still have at least one life line on you ... email. You could do it all three of them in one email ... conversations, send her email to talk about nothing and has something get her to reply or reaction on her side, admirations, write her what are her best quality and blew it a bit on the edge of white lies, affection, ask her well being and show concern .... practice you will get it, go and read those Hallmark Love cards and get inspirations. Some post on poem is very good too.<p>Good louck<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Well, she has now had time read my clarification for request for her address and she has not repsonded. I can only assume that it means she does not want me to have it. I guess I am stuck with email for now. I pray that God will give me the strength and patience to wait out this separation. Having no friends or family that live nearby makes it very difficult to not think about her 24/7. I guess I will start a daily email journal to her.

Longing,<p>Get busy and pick up new activities ... volunteering in church is one way or habitat of humanity is a good one ... picks up new hobby is another. Pain is given but misery is optional, copied from one of MB'er sig.<p>Post and camp here from time to time ...

New crazy developments...<p>We both saw our counselors today and what she was told in hers was vastly different than what I was told in mine -- addittionally, the advice she says she was given makes little sense to me (but what else is new).<p>She has moved back in but we are living as less than roommates. We are not have a relationship (her counselor), we are not to do kind things for each other like make dinner. We are not to socialize as one would expect me to do (basically I am being told to do no plan A). She sleeps in another bed. I am not to ask about what she is doing or where she is going. We will watch tv in different rooms, etc. Like I said, less than roommates, less than friends. She has moved back based on the advice of her counselor and because she had no where to go. I had to either accept her conditions or she would get a hotel room. And to top it all off, the counselor wants her to live with me to see if I can change, yet, my wife or the counselor, I don't know which, does not want me to know what it is that she wants because I may resent the fact later in life that I was asked to change. Instead, I have no road map and I am expected to simply change to be what she wants, while at the same time she completely ignores me and our marriage. She is working solely on her issues and will not even tell me what I need to know to show her that I can love her. Heck, if I can get past the fact that she had an affair, I can certainly get past the idea of her telling what she does not like. I have free will and can choose not to change it if I don't want it. It feels so much like I am being set up for failure. Marriages work because two people communication the needs, wants and desires. I cannot possibly guess at what she wants to see me change when she provides me zero direction.<p>The only advice my counselor gave me again tonight is to give her space for now. I just don't know if that is what I should do. He is recommending that I abandon plan A (not his words) and do some sort of live in plan b.<p>Any thoughts from anyone out there? I am completely and terribly confused.

You are correct in thinking that your marriage is being set up to fail. I would check and see if these counsellors are licensed. If he/she is licensed (hard to believe) I would ask these therapists to show you the source of the approach that is being used.

radium, who are you ? ... OW or OM ?. could you post your profile ? You had been posting like a sniper ... hit and run.<p>Longing,<p>That is what WW said. Could you talk to her conselor to verify ?. She is in the deep fog that you better stay away. Your conselor is correct, cool it for a few days and act less than a roommate. My guess is your WS has to go back but she feels that it is force upon her by circumstances, she might make up the conselor story so that she doesn't want to deal w/ you. If you feel the same way, stay in plan A, meaning to keep working on the issues and do not LB and do not chase her either. Do not push her for now.