I am really grateful for finding this MB, there are so many remarkable people out here and it gives me great strength to know you all care so much. I am just starting plan A I hope, I posted another message a bit ago under GQII "Ready to leave WS" but now maybe I am not so sure, anyway I wrote this letter to her father who has really helped us and has made always feel like a son to him.<p>Pete/dad,<p>I am really glad that i built that pc for you, or who knows how else things
may have turned out! sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways, our
actions today reflect deeds yet to come and when they come, usally in ways
that we never expect.<p>I keep telling myself how lucky i am that you have been a source of
inspiration and comfort for Erika. I understand that she is confused and
feels that I dont understand her or listen to her needs or meet all of her
emotional requests, to this I can only live and learn and try to be a better
person, and that is what I am trying to do.<p>I have felt really abandoned lately by everyone, you and I have not spoken
since she left and that makes me feel like you really dont care about me or
my needs, thru this whole ordeal Erika has had alot of support to deal with
this situation, she has you most importantly, and she also has Blake, so
when and where does she get to start facing the reality that this situation
between her and I, will not get any better? to this question i know that
there is only one answer: time or never.<p>While I deal with the fact that my family is breaking apart she is living in
a shallow relationship not built on trust and love but on an emotional shelf
that with time will break down, anything that is built or destroyed thru
emotional energy is not a healthy alternative as we have seen first hand.
While it is hard to swallow the truth right now at least I am standing here
and learning how and where I failed in this relationship. I know that its
easy to blame the other person for this and that and that is not what I
want.<p>The day she came home after the big fiasco and we sat down to try and work
things out she told me that she really wanted to make things work and would
be willing to put forth the effort to goto counciling and that we would goto
marriage counciling together.<p>For the four days that followed this we were living together in the same
house doing things together that we normaly dont do, like the house work and
taking care of dinner, we went and bought a table so we could start sitting
down and having dinner as a family, no tv, no computer, just family time
together and the look in her eyes of peacefulness and happiness were indeed
a sign of progress. I mean we were laughing together, hugging, holding
hands, soft kisses, it was like I was dreaming. I was so happy that I really
belived that we would be able to make it thru this, no matter how much i
resented the fact that she had sexual relations with someone else.<p>But the truth is that she was still talking to this guy, and telling me that
she was not. she was not trying to break off contact with him, she has no
desire to stop seeing him or being with him. The worst part of this is that
i told her that since the cat is out of the bag lets just lay everything out
on the table and then wipe it clean, so again I asked her have you had any
contact with Blake, and she said that she/he called and I asked what did you
tell him, and her reply was this:<p>Its too risky to see him right now.<p>now i admit that i almost swallowed my tounge, and in a way i wish i had
because then i wouldnt have been so quick to judge her, I didnt say
anything, i just turned away from her and started doing something else.I
just cant imagine what good it does to try and work things out with her if
the only reason she does not to talk or see him is because its too risky.<p>The message here is that she does not care to make this relationship work,
thru any means, which includes counciling together and by herself. Its a
crushing blow to have been being lied to, and for the entire time that I
have known her she has never lied to me at least not that i ever found out
about, she is a very honest person so this is really hard to deal with.<p>I also read her email and found that she sent Blake a very very very long
letter that i wrote her just trying to open up, just trying to tell her that
i loved her and i cared about her and that I had hope that we could work
this out. I feel like she slapped me in the face by doing this.<p>So now that I know that she is still keeping in contact with him and lying
to my face about it, because I asked her have you been communicating with
blake in any way and her answer was NO, besides that phone call that we
talked about. So what am I to do, the nite i found out about the letter i
sent her she sent to blake i just felt like what good is this doing us? I am
a wrek i cant eat i cant sleep i wonder constantly if she is having him come
over to the house while i am at work.<p>That much worrying is not healthy for Logan or anyone else. I want whats
best for Logan, and right now while she is confused and hurt and not really
able to deal with her TRUE feelings how can she possibly take care of a
small child who needs her. Now Logan will be seeing his mom with a stranger
kissing and hugging and this is not what i want for my child. I dont belive
that it is healthy for him to witness this, he may be young enought to not
remember this later in life, but what about right now?<p>I would really like for her to come to her senses and at least move out on
her own, being with someone else right now is destroying any feelings that I
might have for her. We have decided that we are going to wait six months
before we file for divorce. During this time I am going to start going to
counciling and start meeting with a group of other people who are in the
same situation.<p>I know that things could have been better between us, but with all the bills
we have had I have to work, we may not be living a fairytale life but at
least we always had everything we needed to live comfortably. If she resents
me for not being more companssionate or just being around, i regret that i
made her feel that way but money pays the rent the doctor bills, ect ect.<p>I suppose it must be hard for her to understand the true value of money
considering she has never had to pay her own way in the world, and since we
have been married she has not had to work a full time job, she has had the
freedom of being able to goto school, or doing what ever she wants, the cage
door has always been open, maybe not financially but other than that she can
come and go whenever she likes, and its just a hard to explain to her that
my time is consumed with trying to provide for the family and secure our
future.<p>To all of this I need your support as much as she does, i am dealing with
real life right now while lives in her fantasy, and it sucks to think that
while I find new ways of dealing with this she is getting everything handed
to her.<p>One thing and maybe she already told you is that I asked her if she wanted
to go live with this guy and do you really love him? of course the answer
was yes, so I told her then you are free to go as long as I can see Logan on
almost a daily basis.<p>I also told her that the door is always open for her, and she can call me
anytime day or nite, it s not that I dont love her but right now living with
her is tearing me apart with the lies and deceit. I want whats best for
Logan, and if it was possible i would have him with me, but he would still
have to goto daycare and I dont want that. He needs his mom, she is a good
mother and that makes me very proud.<p>I know i have rambeled on now for sometime and hopefully your not asleep and
drooling on the keyboard.
I do appreaciate all you have done. With out your help who knows where this
all would be right now. You guys are really great and I wanted to let you
know it. Advice inspiration is always welcome. I found a really great
website/msgboard that is helping me find answers and deal with this, I hope
you take a moment and check it out. the address is:<p>
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
