Wow where do I start?
My wife and I have been married for 7 years now; we have two the most beautiful children. My family is the most important thing to me. My story begins on Dec. 18 then I took my wife and little ones to the airport for a trip for them in Hawaii with my in-laws (whom I have a great relationship with) for the holiday season. While they were gone my only plans was work as much over time as I could to keep me busy. I talked to the children during the week, on Christmas day after I woke from working and overnight shift I noted that there was no call from my wife (usually my wife is good about those things and has trained me to be the same way). So I called them after talking with my kids I talked with my wife. Which didn&#8217;t go well due to she wouldn&#8217;t talk to me, she talked to everyone else in the room with her but me (and it hurt me), and it ruined the whole day for me. Then on New Years Eve I stayed home and waited for her to call and she never did, so I again called her. I could tell there was something wrong by her voice and the way she was giving me one-word answers. The few things I could get out of her was that she wasn&#8217;t sure if she loved me, well I got so upset that I had to throw-up. I was worried that she wouldn&#8217;t come home and deal with this problem. To my nervousness she did, but something was really wrong with her. There was no affection, she couldn&#8217;t look me in the eyes, and she&#8217;s lost that adoring look she had for me, and she couldn&#8217;t show any affection. <p>I had tried to ask her what was wrong with her, and she not opening up to me. I later found out that she is thinking about a new friend of her families, but she denies that she had and affair. She&#8217;s known this guy since her sister married his best friend (my brother in-law). My thought is one of if she has no interest in him or if nothing happened why does she need to hide letters she send him? Why does she need to have three numbers to get a hold of him? Why does she have the need to call him more then she calls me, which means she has called him 5 times a week? Now I have read Dr. Harley&#8217;s &#8220;Coping with Infidelity&#8221; and my wife is displaying just about every sign of and affair. I feel that she&#8217;s only going through the motions of trying to heal our marriage. Only to go to her father and say, &#8220;I tried daddy help me&#8221; and move back to Hawaii with my kids, and that&#8217;s why she wouldn&#8217;t admit to the affair for fear of losing the kids. I&#8217;m torn between protecting my children and saving my marriage, and I have no clue what to do. I thought I was done crying over this and the more I think about the harder it is to figure out what to do next. I even set up marriage counseling sessions we both went to the first session together then my wife went to hers and I went to mine hers only lasted minutes. I had so much to say and cry about that the counselor was nice enough to give an extra twenty minutes. We are now waiting to go to our last session together again. <p> Simply Signed
What now

I guess I am having a problem with the fact is that after my wife told me that she thinks about his guy all the time. I asked her to not communicate with this guy till we figure everything out. Yet she is still talking to him on her cell phone. I knew that if i waited long enough shed make a mistake and she did, she left his number in her call log on her cell. usually she deletes it after she calls him. But I don't know if I should confront her when the bills comes in.<p> Signed
What now

mnfuzz,<p>Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sory to hear of your pain. I first would like to say that you have come to the right place, assuming, from your posts, that you want to repair your marriage (M). It is customary to say read all you can on the site, read the books if you can get your hands on them, and to tell you that you are about to embark on the emotional ride of a lifetime. All of this is good general advice, please concider it. I also would add: find a post from RedHat, he has some great links in his signature.<p>On to somthing a bit more personal.<p>You are probably correct that she is "just going through the motions". I think most wayword spouses (WS) do this, at least for a while. It isn't easy to live with, but there is hope. In order for your M to survive, your wife (W) must stop all contact with the other man (OM), and work with you to save it. Saying that is easy, doing it is somthing else. I reccomend learning about Plan A/Plan B and I would impliment Plan A as soon as possible. Plan A/Plan B are designed to improve the person working the plan,and sepparate the WS from the OP.<p>On the confrontation thing. If you value your M you will not, under any circumstances confront her with anythning. I generaly don't reccomend anyone "confront" someone they want to remain friends with. You will only push her further away. If you want, you can continue to snoop, but only use what you learn to evaluate the damage to your M. I am not big on snooping, but there are those here who are. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to keep from "confronting" my W.<p>I have to run, but I'll check back later.<p>Thanks
Rev

Ok
I will not confront her with anything. But its hard not too, when i find stuff for example I have load a great program called "spyagent" on her computer (the only problems with it are that i can only read one side of the internet conversation), but she is telling me one thing that shes willing to work things out, and on the other hands shes painting a totally different picture to the OM and her family. I have done pretty much everything that the "coping with infidelity" post have said and that was before i read it. Now that i have read it i feel it gives me some backing. I asked her to stop talking the OM, that was three weeks ago (acually i asked if she would promise, and she said yes except for on the internet) yet i see her cell phone call log that she has called him since then. I also know that she has been talking to him over the internet. I want to badly to un-install her modem and hide her cell phone but i know that, it'll only make things worse for me. I am gonna call her dad and get any advise he may have cause i look up to him and he knows that i do.

mnfuzz,<p>I read this before church this morning, but didn't have time to post.<p>Before I get started, do you know what love busters (LBs) are for her, and what her top 5 emotional needs (ENs) are? This is the starting point for your Plan A and the rest of your M.
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mnfuzz:
<strong>Ok
I will not confront her with anything. But its hard not too</strong><hr></blockquote>That is why I don't snoop. I couldn't handle not saying anything. My children sometimes tell me things without realizing it. I have already said things I didn't know they told me in confidence and gotten them trouble. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> but she is telling me one thing that shes willing to work things out, and on the other hands shes painting a totally different picture to the OM and her family.</strong><hr></blockquote>That is the way it works in the begining. It sucks, and that's all there is to it. Untill the affair (A) dies, you will see this behavior. We call it "the fog". It can get pretty thick in some cases. You may want to learn "fogese", it will keep her off balance and confused just like you are. Here is a good example from my WW: "She loves me, and misses me and she wants to work this out, but she's not moving back in." what does that mean?I tried my best fogese and said "Ok, don't move back in, just start spending the night here." That, in some fogese way made sence to her. She hasn't moved back, or started spending the night here, but It did show how thick the fog was. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I asked her to stop talking the OM, that was three weeks ago (acually i asked if she would promise, and she said yes except for on the internet) yet i see her cell phone call log that she has called him since then.</strong><hr></blockquote>Contact is contact is contact. She will not work on your M until she has broken contact. Then she will have to go through withdrawl before any progress will be made. I know that sounds brutal, but that is the way these things work. You Plan A for a while and let WW have her cake and eat it too. Then when she sees that A) you have changed B) the changes are here to stay C) Home is a safe place to come back to, she will come back, or you will Plan B. (This is the nutshell version. You should read Surviving An Affair (SAA) to get the whole picture) One of the big keys is the safty of the M. She won't come back if you LB day in and day out. Unfilled ENs and LBs are why she started looking elsewhere. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I want to badly to un-install her modem and hide her cell phone but i know that, it'll only make things worse for me.</strong><hr></blockquote>Can you say Love Buster. We can't controle our WSs. They have to want to come back. Would you want to force her to be with you knowing she didn't want to be there? If you spend enough time here, you will find Dr. Harley's comments and posts about the sanity of trying to "straighten out" a WS. Basicaly it is like teaching pigs to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I am gonna call her dad and get any advise he may have cause i look up to him and he knows that i do.</strong><hr></blockquote>It must be nice to have that kind of relationship (R) with him. I wish I could call and talk to my mother-in-law (MIL), but I think it would be precieved as a pittifull effort to inflewance both MIL and WW.<p>Thanks
Rev<p>[ January 27, 2002: Message edited by: rev ]</p>

Well heres an update to my delema, my spouse is still in denial to me about her infidelity. She still is not talking to me. I find this hard to deal with cause i know the truth. All I want is for her to tell the truth and confront me with what is going on in her life. It breaks my heart that she is still unable to talk to me, and talk to me calmly. I keep making the mistake of asking her questions and and trying to get her to talk to me. Last night I tried again (Isuppose it doesn't help that she has her period) but she blow up at me. I am afraid that if I just leave the sleeping dawg lye then it'll never wake, and it'll eat away at me, or she'll never take about it and think that she got away with it. However what I fear the most is that I will loss my Family. I made the mistake lastnight of offering her her freedom, but our children stay sleeping in there beds. Well she exploded at me saying that i've been holding that over her head for seven years.<p>I don't know if i can bee this strong anymore, this hurts to much. <p>Signed
What now

Hi mnfuzz,<p>I'm sorry about what you are going thru. <p>Your W is in an affair, whether emotional or physical doesn't much matter. Read my tagline and take action....get on with a Harley and get a Plan A going. Time is of the essence right now. <p>If you haven't addressed it, speak to your physican about anti-deps or appropriate medication. Maintaining stready behavior now is crucial, and almost impossible for betrayed spouses in the immediate aftermath of discovery.<p>A lot of people have recovered from where you are. But you need to take action...speak to Steve Harley immediately, they set up emergency phone sessions pretty rapidly.<p>My prayers are with you.<p>Mike

Well an update is needed. On friday night after i got home from work, I checked the hidden caller ID and AOL chat loggs and found that my wife has still been contacting the OM. After she had promised to stop. Well needless to say I was upset and hurt. I packed a small suitcase, I waited till after my wife was done with work. To make the story short. She stopped me from leaving, and once again made the same promise to stop comunicating with the OM. for some reason I truely believe her. She also made the promise to put more effort forth to fix our marriage, and to show that she cares. That last promise was sparked by our 7 year old son (whom is very smart) is feeling the effects.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mnfuzz:
<strong>She stopped me from leaving, and once again made the same promise to stop comunicating with the OM. for some reason I truely believe her. She also made the promise to put more effort forth to fix our marriage, and to show that she cares. That last promise was sparked by our 7 year old son (whom is very smart) is feeling the effects.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You need to launch into this lucky window with specific "no contact" actions. A "no contact" letter to the OM, an open lifestyle in terms of emails, cell phone records, schedules, etc. You have a moment in history to really set up the structure SHE will need to keep from contact.<p>I strongly urge you to call the Harleys and get counseling on this.

I need help, Wife hasn't written the letter ending her relationship with her OM. How should the letter be written? can i help her write it?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mnfuzz:
<strong>I need help, Wife hasn't written the letter ending her relationship with her OM. How should the letter be written? can i help her write it?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi,<p>Again, I strongly advise you to take a one hour phone counseling session with one of the Harleys at this point. It is crucial that you get professional counsel.<p>Here is what Steve Harley has written about a no contact letter:<p>"""My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent."""" <p>Here is a sample draft from the Harley's book, Surviving An Affair (thanks to persistant for typing it into a message awhile back)<p>--------------------
(OM),<p>I want you to know that out of respect and love for (husband - BS) and (daughter), I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (husband) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (husband)for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me or my family. (Husband) is going to know everything. I will tell him if you contact me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.<p>Sincerely,<p>(Wife - WS)
-------------------------------<p>For more background, search the GQII forum on "no contact letter". You will see some extended discussions.<p>You are in my prayers,<p>Mike

Ok It's been some time since my last post.
Well she still hasn't told me what happened, now she get even more upset when I try to bring it up as gently as I can. Making me feel like this is all my fault, like I am the reason that shes no longer in love with me. I've done a complete 180 turn around, I've gotten off working nights (like sehs asked), I am more involved in the lives of our children, I'm even trying to be involved in her life more, however nothing working. She still talks to OM even after I have asked her twice to promise not to contact him, twice!<p>anyone interested in the other mans site? go here.
http://www.navyleaguehawaii.org/
he's just the webmaster