I discovered Saturday morning that my husband has been cheating on me *again*. We separated after the 2nd time 5 years ago, but as soon as I became involved with another man, he came back (the very next day after he found out!). It was a rough few months (and he was still seeing the OW, although he lied about it), but we got back on track and things seemed good between us. Then I got pregnant again, got fat again and our relationship took a back seat to the new baby (as it had after our first 2 children which we had very close together).<p>Last December he lost his job due to sexually explicit letters he had sent to a coworker. She claimed sexual harrassment and seeing how he had destroyed the letters she wrote to him, he had no proof it was mutual. He claims he had no physical contact with the woman, but who knows? He was too afraid of losing me at this point, I think, and so he may have lied.<p>This Saturday morning after being out all night and not calling, I flew off the handle and threw him out (which he expected me to do). He has now moved in with the OW. We haven't talked much, because I do not want to persue him again, but I have written a couple of letters about how we should try to work this out. He currently has no interest in reconciling -- I've caused him to be dead inside and he loves me, but he's not in love with me, yada, yada (I'm sure you've heard it all before).<p>I don't want to pursue him, but I also don't want to lose him. We have 15 years and 3 children, we enjoy each others company and while he complains that we don't have anything in common, I don't think that is really the case. I do still love him. We've never really done anything worthwhile to save our marriage. He is also carrying alot of emotional baggage that I do not share -- his parents divorced, remarried, then divorced which was very hard on the children. He's a very unhappy person and so thinks if he was with someone else, in another job, lived somewhere else, etc., he would be happy (he inherited or learned this behavior from his mother). About 6 months ago he told me he had been sexually abused as a child and that he had never told anyone that before. Personally, I didn't know whether to believe this or not, and realize now that I should have really started pushing for counseling at that point, but I didn't know how to react or talk about it, or what he wanted from me (and I guess I was also horrified), and so the issue was never discussed again.<p>We follow this patern -- we get along okay, but we don't communicate (I hate talking about my feelings and he hates having to initiate anything and so doesn't push me) and so things build up. Then every six months or so one of us blows and we fight and someone threatens to leave. Then I usually start being extra-special nice and he stays. Except for the two times another woman was involved -- then he does leave. He came back the first time and now here we are again, in the exact same situation. Only, I'm older and wiser now. I have a job this time and resources of my own and I think I'm strong enough to give him up if that is what I have to do.<p>So am going to try this Plan A thing for now, although I'm not even going to suggest he leave the OW, I'm just going to be nonjudgemental and the nice, sweet person I am with everyone else! Think I have a chance to get him to the point where I can introduce these concepts to him and maybe salvage our life? Or should I run now while I have the chance?<p>Oh, my this is so long! Thanks for listening.

There is always a chance. <p>Get the book and learn the concepts. Plan A is really about you. It's hard, but I've been told if after working through paln A and (B if neccisary)with out success you can walk away feeling good about yourself. <p>good luck
you may want to check out the recovery group and the General Questions section of the site. they get much more traffic.<p>os

dedex,
I think the very least you will get out of learning well the MB approach and applying it to the best of your ability is a better, stronger, more confident and attractive you. That's really all you have positive control over anyway, right? Quite often it happens that those changes you make exert that positive influence which allows you to save your marriage--that's the idea. Doing MB means taking care of and building yourself while leaving the door open for your spouse to come around (be being attractive and respectful, providing a safe place for his return) That's my humble interpretation, anyway. So does it work? Did for me. <p>I wish you the best.

I was able to talk to my husband for the first time today. He tells me all the same old stuff and he also admits that he has had more affairs than I know, he get very upset when I want to know how many and then claims he can't remember. He also says that if we did get back together, he would cheat on me again. Although when I suggested in that case he might have trouble being faithful to anyone, he said he didn't think that was true. He told me I am too subdued and he needs a "fiery woman".<p>The sad thing is, a part of me still wants to try! I've made an appointment with a counselor for Monday, hopefully that will help.