Well, my husband and I are supposed to be working it out and he was supposed to cut off all contact with OW. I just got into his e-mail (which he had changed the password on, but I know a little about computers),and I found a letter to his sister telling her he still loved OW and they were still writing each other and if thinks didn't work out with me, he was going to hook-up with her. <p>I don't know what to do!!! If I throw him out,he will go running to her and I will be left with 3 kids to raise on my own. But he is hurting me so bad. <p>Please help me.

amh,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I don't know what to do!!! If I throw him out,he will go running to her and I will be left with 3 kids to raise on my own. But he is hurting me so bad.
please help me.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You answer your own question. There is a boundry where WS crosses and every time they push the envelope of pain you have to calm down. Could you keep it inside for now ?. Do not do anything rush such as confronting H. It is no use and also throwing H out is no use either. Just keep it normal but work harder on addressing the issues (plan A). You could bring this one up on the later date but right now is not the time.<p>Use it as a tool to help you out in your plan A. Does he write specific about "doesnn't work" part with you ?. I will retrace your profile and post again later. Hang in here.

I will let you know exactly what he said:<p>Hey,
Just thought I would WRite to let you know I've made the hardest decicion
of my life and I can only hope that I can stick by it through "better or
worse". This is my HOME and I've got to do everything I can to keep it. You
may think that the choice should've been obsvious to me but I truly do love
OW and no matter what everybody else thinks my love for her is REAL and
not based on a "piece of [censored]". If I could have her and my family both I
would have everything that I could possibly want. But, as you have made
abundantly clear I can't have it both ways. Know this though,If W nd
I cannot "work it out" I will do everything in my power to be with OW
despite what you or the girls or S or M or anybody else thinks
about me.My love for OW is that real and I KNOW that I've hurt W
with all the lies I've been telling and not just her but you and everybody
else too.All I can do is say I'm sorry and try to do what's right. You may
think I'm a damn fool and you're probably right but I can't help how I feel
about OW and the hardest thing for me right now is to not have any
contact with her. I will still write to her on occasion to find out how
she's doing and to let her know how things are going here,but as far as
talking to her on the phone or coming to see her I've got to stop.It's a lot
harder than anyone could imagine and I can only take it one day at a time
and try to "fix" the situation here at home. Please tell OW for me or
let her read this letter that I love her and that I'll NEVER NEVER NEVER
stop loving her and when she does come back to I will try to help her
in any way I can even if it's just a simple "hello I love you" or a little
money for cigerettes or whatever. Also please tell her "to have hope for the
future unless she gets tired of waiting on what "might be"." I want for her
to be as happy as she possibly can be and if that means for her to give up
any chance of us being together then so be it. It hurts me DEEPLY to think
that she would or could be with anybody else but me and yes even the thought
of it makes me insane with jealousy but I can't help it it's how I feel. As
far as S goes and how she treats OW, it really pisses me off that
she doesn't consider how OW feels or what she's going through I know
that she's entitled to her feelings on the matter but it's wrong of her to
take it out on OW whether it's verbal or otherwise and her
self-rightiousness is completely uncalled for and unneccessary I love the
girls and I'm sorry for causing them pain and confusion however,there are
some things in life that happen that cause pain and it's how we deal with
them that makes the difference. So, tell S,, and M that even
though I love them if they can't help OW then at least don't do anything
to hurt her because she's hurting enough as it is and she needs their
support and understanding. And if they can't do that then they are not the
girls that I thought they were and I will cross them off my christmas list.
Not that I'll stop loving them but I'll be very disappointed in them
especially S. I realize that she has a lot of growing up to do and
she is probably confused about this whole thing but that is NO excuse to
treat OW like a whore and if she continues to do so I will have some
words to say to her."OW is not as "loose" as some people seem to think "
and it is not right for her to be treated as if she has done so much wrong
for I know that she loves me and what we have had together has come from
love and NOT from trying to hurt others or from a desire to have each other
despite the pain it causes others. Know this S, I will do what I can to
make things right between me and W but there are more problems between
us than OW and if we can't resolve them then our marriage will be over
no matter what I do or say. I can't predict the future no more than you can
and who knows what tomorrow may bring "I only know that if it doesn't work
out between us then I will try to "hook up" with OW" ,that is IF she is
still willing I will not try to force or convince her that she and I are
meant to be and if she doesn't feel like we can have a long relationship I
won't try to convince her otherwise.She has the right to make her own
choices and me or anybody else can't do it for her all we can do is continue
to love her and pray she will do what's right for HER. Whatever she decides,
it won't change the way I feel about her and I hope she knows and believes
that. Anyway, I have decided to give myself the chance to try and keep my
family together and "SAVE MY MARRIAGE". I need to know that you and the
girls will do whatever you can to help OW but to not try and change the
way she feels about me because she has the right to feel however she feels
and it would be WRONG<WRONG<WRONG of anybody to try and convince her that
her love for me is wrong. "Tell her for me that I will write her and I hope
to hear from her soon and for her to let me know how she's feeling about us,
now and in the future."I've got to go for now but I hope to hear from you
soon and please let me know how things are going up there from time to time. <p> Love <p>_________________________________________________________________
I put parenthesis around the things that I think show he has no real intention of saving our marriage. I know you say don't confront him now, but how do I hold this inside??? <p>Help me, please.<p>[ February 04, 2002: Message edited by: amh ]<p>[ February 04, 2002: Message edited by: amh ]</p>

Sorry to hear this, this is usually happen when WS get caught instead of A dies naturally. The fog is still thick, do not take it personally. Please do not confront your H nor his sister. Confronting him means pushing him out, confronting her means manipulating him. If you really want to push H, you have to calculate what is the risk. Is H ready to walk out from you ?. If he is shamlessly stay and ignore you, what could you do ?. You could only predict your H reaction but in the fog ?. All of this you could stack your bet against your M. However, IMVHO, you stick with plan A. You know you are not in recovery so don't expect anything yet.<p>I would contact the OW and for the last time tell her that you love her like a daughter and her action hurts you. Ask her if she is in contact w/ H, ask her to be honest and whatever answer she gave you, let her know that if she love you she should honor no contact for few years until later date. Otherwise your family might ever talk to her again, let alone be part of the family. You will check with her once in a while to see her well being but for now it has to be distant. Do not push Brandy too, she will spill it over to H. Tell me later what is her reaction ?.<p>I would also talk to SIL, I beleive OW is living w/ her so you have to talk to her anyway. Talk to her what you are doing, your love for OW and your love for your family and you are trying to safe your M by means of ending A the right way w/ no contact and also trying to work it out w/ MB principal, care, protection, time & honesty. Do not give a slight hint about the letter and do not ask her at all.<p>Meanwhile, you have at least a life line of snooping to check your H. Talk to the conselor and notify him/her about your finding in confidential and seek individual advice. He is fallen in withdrawal. You are back to square zero in recovery, back to plan A.<p>From the letter I saw some positive thing ... even H is babbling. First, you know he is in the deep fog still, thinking that M could be work out when OP still around. Second, you know that if you push it your H might just take off somewhere w/ Brandy. Third, he is in withdrawl and I do not believe he is in contact ... why he ask SIL to let OW read it ?. LOL !!! He has a wishfull thinking. Fourth, he slap you with "inconsiderate for Brandy" - prove H wrong, it is not her it is her immoral behavior that you hate. Meanwhile get the list of issues that your H has and work on it ... this is your plan A. Never talk about A, never talk about the future but just being a loving W. Fifth, H is shaky and afraid about OW will "forget" about H and move on. Pityfull & horny H, no disrespect.<p>Hang in there, once OW find a boy freind or something, your H will realize that he is just another d!ck. Give her a few months she will find one. I estimated about 20+ years diff, what do they have in common ?. Sit back and let H do/say/scream/cry about the dead of A, it is hard but with time they will come out of it. Save this finding under R-Files (research file).<p>Now, what do you find out about $100.00 bills ?. Do you start gathering info. on that one ?. That lies worries me more that what you have now.<p>Pray and ask prayer request for your family.<p>Note ... delete the above email or edit the names out. Use OW, SIL, H and so on.<p>[ February 04, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

amh,<p>This letter makes very good sense and you should be happy that your H wrote it. You are looking at this all wrong. Let me touch on a few points.<p>1. You are hearing him defend her, because he still does have feelings for her and she is being attacked. Message don't attack her, when talking to him just talk about the marriage, she is irrelevant right now. Plus, he is also defending himself. Perfectly normal. Further, you should be happy that he does have feelings for her and she is not just a something he dragged in to end your marriage.<p>2. Part of what you are hearing is withdrawal. Again this is very normal. He is right it will have to be day at a time in order for him to get through withdrawal, but he is apparently going to try. Again, good news.<p>3. He realizes he has hurt you and your children. Yup, the fog is lifting a bit. Again very normal.<p>4. He is stating that there were other things in the marriage that led to this. Well Duh! I hope you have been doing a good Plan A. Why? Because you need to figure out what EN's of his haven't been met. You need to figure out what your contribution to the decline of the marriage was. You now know that he feels there are other issues. Get him to talk with you about them. <p>Usually this is very hard when first starting recovery. However, a way to break into this is to simply state: "I know this is about more than the affair. Could you tell me what was wrong before the affair." <p>Then stand back and listen to some pretty awful stuff. Some of it might be right, some is probably just self-protection. Realize you have popped a balloon. Don't take it very seriously but listen for things that ring true for you as well. Work on those things. The rest just let go, because he will be very confused for awhile.<p>5. amh, he seems like other than this serious brain cramp, he might be a man with some sensitivity and remorse. Do your best plan A amh and let him have time to withdraw from the effects of her.<p>Finally, if you want some idea of what it will take for him to recover. Go read SKM's post in recovery. It is a few days old but read it. It will give you a clue what he will go through as he tries to do "what is right". Why is this important??? Well, at first you will be willing to do most of the work, but if the work starts to pay off and I suspect it might, then you feel the anger at what he did. AGain this is very normal, most that post here seem to express this same trip. BUT, just remember this won't be a walk in the park for him either.<p>If you keep that in mind, do a good plan A, talk with him and let him talk when he can or will, there is a very good chance your marriage can be recovered. Just remember he is 100% responsible for choosing to have an affair, BUT you helped create the atmosphere that led him in that direction.<p>So amh, don't despair. That letter expresses very normal feelings. They will change as withdrawal passes and you work on Plan A. I do hope that in your attempts to recover the marriage that you two also go to counseling or contact the Harley's.<p>So hang in there. This is more positive than you think.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Thank you both so much. I will follow your advice and keep Plan A going full blast. I was so glad you explained what you could about this to me so I would not blow something. We have talked about ENs and I have indeed contributed, but I am working on them like crazy now. <p>Thank you. I will keep in touch and let you know how it goes.

Hi Amh,<p>Sorry for the late response. I just got on late this afternoon. Your H is spouting off a lot of babble. <p>If he feels this strongly, anyone who will try to discourage him for reasons right or wrong will be met by great resistance. So the best thing is not to show the resistance directly but indirectly. <p>Here's how:
1. You don't verbally attack the OW.
2. You also don't control how others attack the OW. Let them do it.
3. Let your H see his foolishness, don't tell it to him.
4. He will lose family, friends and respect in this process. Let him. Don't intercede on this. This is his mess and he must be the one to face it.
5. He says he loves OW? Well time will tell how real that love is both ways. OW is young. Kids replace loves easily. He may be in for some disappointment. Time will tell. <p>In the interim, you strengthen your stand and resolve. Build yourself up and show him what a great W he has. <p>My H came very close to throwing his family away. For what? An older, manipulative, selfish and greedy OW. One who lies, threatens and whines. What a catch?!?!? When I got strong enough, I told H, 'hey you'd better hurry up and grab onto that OW since I pity the next family that has to deal with the likes of her!' He is home now. She is still out there trying to invade our life. But she is out there, by herself. She claims she has other men. Hmmph.... then why is she calling so much? Because she is a liar and can't hang on to a man. Yep, my H was also convinced he needed to have the OW. When I couldn't reason with him on it, I let it go and they did themselves in. Then it was up to me to take him back. <p>Hang in there, you have a ways to go but you will make it. <p>Hugz,
L.

I spoke with my sister in law yesterday. She said OW was doing fine and was actually hanging out with another guy. I think you are all right and that he is just afraid this doesn't mean as much to her as it did to him and that she is not going to be there for him if "things don't work out" So I will just leave it alone and give OW time to cement her new relationship. In the meantime, let him pine, it won't do him any good. My SIL also said that she told my H not to call there anymore to talk to OW because she was sick of it. She is very, very angry with her brother.
I have a lot of support, a lot of good friends, so I will ride this out and be the best I can be. Thank you all for helping me through this and giving me such good advice when I panic!!

amh..
You are doing great on your plan A. Keep up your amazing efforts. If it makes you feel any better, my WW wrote a similar letter during the time period which led up to her ending communication with the OM. Despite what we don't WANT to believe there is a strong connection between our WS and the OP. As nice as a clean cut would be for us, sometimes it takes a bit to lead up to it. Perhaps thats what this letter is. It sounds like your H knows what is right and what he needs to do. Just keep your efforts up and stay positive. We'll be praying for you!<p>-HI

Well I took all of the advice you guys and girls gave me and the counseling session went well. I was calm and in control. I only raised my voice one time when he gave me a particulary nasty look. I told him I loved him and understood that he was in pain and that I felt for him. The counselor worked on him quite a bit about his "control" problems and not doing things he knows he should be doing for his kids. Anyway, I am keeping Plan A going strong and am just going to give him lots more time. I did talk with OW last night and found out she has met a guy she thinks is pretty cool. I didn't tell WH because he would freak and jump in the car to go rescue her!!<p>Thanks again for all your support and keep those prayers coming!!!

Hey great job in the counseling. I know first hand it isnt easy to stay calm when it feels like you just want to let your emotions boil over. Sounds like things are on an upswing for now. Remember to hold onto the little victories on the way =) it helps during some of the really cruddy times.<p>*hugz*