I am new to the MB forum, but my W and I are having some serious trouble. The main problem started out as differences in sexual desire, but that led to feelings of unattractiveness for my W. I found that she had placed an ad on a personal site and was talking to and meeting OM. She was open and honest about her actions, but my trust in her was a bit eroded (I know that's LB...I'm learning!) She told me this past weekend that she wanted to leave me. I was able to go to a counselor today and my W has agreed to go to counseling with me. Right now, I just really need some sort of support while I try to meet her EN. I know this isn't going to be easy because she really wants to have little to do with me and I know that there are OM involved. Any advice and support would be great.

whathappenedtous,
Welcome to MB. Please learn as much as you can about MB. ENs, LB, LB$, plan A/B by following General Welcome and other links on my signature. Read HNHN and SAA if you have not. Also a Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, is also a good book.<p>Print out LBQ and ENQ and get her to fill it up if she is willing. However you could guess it by filling it up yourself for her. List all complaint or issues that she told you in the past and current, those are you basis for plan A. Remember plan A is not about filling ENs, not about LB either. Plan A is about you to work on the issues in M. no LB is a requirement for any relations adn like what you are experiencing, EN door is shut, but that is normal reactions of WS having A.<p>Post more on about your profile.

redhat,
We have been together almost 10 years and married for almost 7. We dated for 3 years and it was great, I was home from college on the weekends and sex was great. About 3-4 months into the M I found that her level of desire is much greater than mine. She wanted it daily, but I desired less frequently. Over the years she has tried everything that she can think of to increase my desire. She was upset that I didn't find her more desireable when she was pregnant with our D who is now 2. Another reason that I am so upset is the thought of losing my D.<p>We are both very busy with our jobs and 2 year old. I guess I withdrew from the relationship because I didn't feel like I was being a good H. When she finally felt like she tried all she could to be more attractive to me, she turned her interest toward the internet. <p>I found that she had posted her profile on a personal site. I became jealous of the computer because she spent more time on it than with me. Now it appears that there are others on the internet who are meeting her EN and she has been meeting with some of them. She told me she wanted to leave when I expressed that my trust was decaying. She feels like I am a ball and chain trying to control her, but I just want honesty.<p>Right now, she is home sleeping with our D. I want to work things out at any cost. Concern for out D and finances are what are keeping her home now. I don't know how long this will last though...she could leave at any time.<p>I have been reading through the MB site and forum posts and I am very encouraged by what I see. I am also very scared. I don't want to lose my W and D.<p>Where should I begin? Is the Plan A kind of like being a doormat? I still want to be the perfect H and I don't mind the extra effort, but I am scared of being walked all over. <p>I think there is still some love in our relationship, but she feels that she has tried so long that she has nearly given up. I was a real dummy and am just now getting the wakeup call. I hope it is not too late! She has agreed to go to counseling with me and I hope that helps. I know how upset she is and how withdrawn she is from me. It is hard for me to imagine her falling back in love with me so soon.<p>Any words of encouragement would be appreciated.

Welcome to MB. Believe me, this is a place where people care and you can count on good advice. Read all the links on Redhat's signature. Learn all you can. I know what you mean about Plan A. I am in plan A right now and I too sometimes feel like I am being taken advantage of. My H had affair with much younger OW. But I am working on "me" and that helps. I am trying (with the help of the people on this forum) to continue Plan A and to avoid LB. GEt as much support from friends and family as you can. And remember - this is her problem. You are not the bad guy!

whathappenedtous,
For SF, get and read the HNHN on that chapter. We, men mostly do not understand that women need at least 10 minutes while we are gone long before that. There are techniques and ways to prolong it. Even one of the speaker in my retreat touch this very subject and two thing that strikes me the most beside the 10 minutes starts. 1.Pray to God to help you to do your husband duty (God humbles men this way)!, God put us together, He will help us out. 2.There is nothing gratifying for men to bring his spouse to reach it !. You feels that you are the man !. IMO. Your problem is more to the turn off by her sexual desire. Learn and even talk to your doctor, get viagra to help out, it works. Learn how to bring her to the top, you will get your confident back and you will be able to want it since your love will drive you to please her.
In response to your W trying, man will run to the cave, isolate ourself because we are afraid of failure and try to avoid it. The more she tries, the more we feel less competent. Go and seek seek sex therapy w/ her for you. Count your blessing she is willing to do anything and you have to let her know that.<p>This is my 2¢. She feels you do not love her since she thinks that if you love her you should be able to do it. Her selfesteem is low and she run away to places to feel wanted, desired. You tries to avoid her because it his your self esteem too. How ironic. Go and work on the SF, remember that God humble us, men, this way. Second, woman sexual organ is the brain !. When she feel loved and desired, she will opens up to you and actually it will bring down the 10 minutes delay.<p>I found that she had posted her profile on a personal site. I became jealous of the computer because she spent more time on it than with me. Now it appears that there are others on the internet who are meeting her EN and she has been meeting with some of them. She told me she wanted to leave when I expressed that my trust was decaying. She feels like I am a ball and chain trying to control her, but I just want honesty.
Don't chase her but work on the SF and showing love and caring to her, affections, not withdrawing from her. Spend more undivided attention/time with her. Patience you have time to fix this.<p>Where should I begin? Is the Plan A kind of like being a doormat? I still want to be the perfect H and I don't mind the extra effort, but I am scared of being walked all over.
Plan A, read missapplication of plan A by Distress. You are being a doomat w/ a purpose, a narrow focus to work on yourself. You can not stop her anyway !, she is an adult. No LB !!!.<p>Give it all, Presistent, Time and Consistency, you know what you have to do.<p>God Bless you.<p>[ February 05, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

My W and I spent some time together this morning talking and exercising together. I even had a great hug when I left for work. A pretty good morning in my book.<p>My W called me at work and told me that she had checked with the counselor for cancellations and that we will be able to go this evening. She even told me that she would go to a weekend retreat with me. She is not making any guarantees, but I think she is trying.<p>I also had an excellent prayer time this morning. God really put a fire under my bottom and I understand the spiritual warfare aspects of this experience. I am beginning to feel that no matter what happens, I am going to end up being a better H and a better servant for God. <p>I was so stupid and blind for so long that I understand my the actions taken by my W (doesn't make it any easier, but I understand). She is filling out the ENI today and we completed the REI yesterday. Hope these help!<p>God Bless!!<p>By the way, thank you for your comments and support. This forum is exactly the type of support group that I was looking for. Keep the replies coming and I will keep you posted on progress.

Things seem to be going well. My w and I are talking and we sat down this evening and discussed her answers to the ENI. <p>Went to counseling this afternoon together. Counselor spent most of time with W and I don't really know what was said. He basically informed me that my notice had been given. I took this to mean shape up or she'll ship out. <p>I am really starting to understand how my withdrawal from the situation led to her EA. My self-esteem was really tarnished because I thought I was being a bad H, but in the meantime, she was growing weary from trying to get my attention. This has been a real wakeup call and I have really learned a few things about myself and my W. <p>My W has agreed to go to a M retreat weekend with me. She is not making any guarantees about what will happen, but at least it will give us some time together. <p>I just plan to do plan A till it hurts. I want to save the M so bad. I have told my W that I don't really expect her to be running back because I have hurt her and she needs to build some trust and believe that I have changed. Actions speak louder than words and I plan to show her that my love for her is still very strong. I am rambling a bit so I will bring this to a close. <p>Please reply...It doesn't really matter what you have to say, it is just the comfort of knowing that someone is listening and cares enough to reply that really helps my self-esteem. I know I have issues that need resolved too and I am working on them.<p>God Bless!<p>WH2U<p>Plan Aing!! No LB!! Appear to be depositing some LB$ [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Well, it has been a couple of days and the LB$ was growing. I was feeling great about myself and our M. My WW was falling in love with me again. <p>Tonight we were driving to dinner and I happened to ask her about a bank card that I found in her wallet. Whoa...what a mistake. I think all of my LB$ were lost. It never seemed to be a problem for me to get her wallet when I was updating our checking account on the computer. That way I can use the register and enter the correct amounts. Evidently I sounded a bit accusatory when I asked about the card. She immediately withdrew. I also responded by withdrawing because I knew that I blew it. I can't believe what I did...she was falling in love with me and I LBed. I feel so rotten. Anyone have any advice or words of encouragement? <p>She says she's not mad, but it is evident that she has withdrawn. I'm just scared that I will lose her and my 2 year old daughter. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] HELP!!

Now you learn the lesson to shutup when you get the result of snooping. You should shutup and loggon to the CC website and most of the CC now have an online statement. W/ info on your hand you could register and track it.<p>IMHO w/o detail how you ask and what you found, when WS behaves fishy and not normal, they are guilty of something. They have something to hide. Do not press it ... few LBs is normal but you have to watch out not to become a habit. Your WS probably as worry as you are.<p>[ February 08, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

This was not a CC. She has opened a separate savings account in her name. <p>I know that I shouldn't have said anything, but things seemed to be going so well and I was just curious about the bank card. I wasn't trying to accuse her of anything. <p>I feel like she is on the verge of leaving and I don't want that to happen. I am scared to death!!
I love her so much! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

whathappenedtous,
You should ask ... but not in LB'ed manners. She might feel guilty about it and do not know how to repond to you. She might open it up while in the fog. Lesson learned. Again she might afraid as you do about loosing M. Keep plan A'ng.<p>Some banks has an online statement capabilities [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . However watch out for snooping ... it is for the strong hearts.