After thirty years of marriage to a wonderful man, I just discovered that he is having an affair with a co-worker. She is beautiful and 20 years younger than he. When I confronted him, he told me that he still loved me, that he had lied to me about the affair, and that he did not want our marriage to end or to hurt me. But rather than telling me that he would end it at once, he needed time to think through everything. I think he really believes he loves us both and I honestly believe that he is trying to keep from hurting us both. I believe we can overcome this, but only if he makes a commitment not to see her again. I am an emotional wreck right now and can barely function. I recognize that the fault here is not totally his own - I play some part in this as well. But I am so hurt, I just don't know where to turn. What can I do to get through these next few days and weeks?<p>[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: harriet ]</p>

Harriet,
Sorry you need to be here. You will find staggering numbers of similar stories here. We have all felt your pain.
I wish I would have had "surviving the affair" by the Harleys and "torn assunder" from day one.
It gives you a real plan, and something else to think about even for just a moment.
Look for the arcticle here on How affairs start, and how they should end, print it out for your husband. Also print out the emotional needs questionnaire you two can take it when its convenient.
Come here as much as you need, you wont look crazy.
You are not alone.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.<p>Please go to the counseling center on the home page here and get an immediate emergency appointment with one of the Harley's for a phone consultation. You can do this without your husnband in order to get under way. This is a crucial time, and you should act immediately.<p>My prayers are with you.

Hi Harriet.....I too have been married a long time....over 33 years........and found out on Dec.27 last year H was having an A......Its still hard to type that here...Hurts so bad.Had a down day here , so making it worse typing this. But,wanted you to know, if he is willing,and so are you, it can be put behind and with time, lots of,,,,you can make it through. I am having more good days now than before. So I can see where time is helping. Just hold on to one another, closer the better..With that many years together, its hard to turn away and walk off. It will be worth the effort you both put forth..and will takes lots of too.....Hang in there and you came to the right place...People here know what it is to hurt and have compassion and encouraging words to help you through.....Vent......thats important.....talk alot about.......ask questions if you feel the need to.....I did all of that and still doing....It helps......I wish the best for you...You can stay in touch with if you'd like....Take care.......Linda... {And by the way.......A is over,, was the day he told me about and he s home and we are working on re building......}

Thanks so much Linda. The problem here is that I discovered the affair and I don't think he is ready to end it, even though he doesn't want our marriage to end. He is a very gentle individual and doesn't want to hurt any one. But I think he is very addicted to her at this point. The worst of it is that they work side-by-side every day, and I don't know how to handle that. I am looking for counseling as I write, and hope that we can get through this. I feel so empty and hopeless right now . . .

Harriett:<p>Welcome to MB. Believe me, I know how you feel. I am so sorry for your pain. I too caught my husband in an affair with a woman 16 years younger then him and am having the same problems. He says he has given up the affair and wants to save our marriage. she is now two states away. (She is actually an 18 year old girl I took into my home to "help her"). I can't stress to you how important it is to get the two separated. As long as he has contact with her, he will not be able to let go. My WS has been calling OW up until about a week ago. I found out and now he says he will never do it again. Well, we'll see. I know the feelings and the pain he is feeling is very real, but he needs to stop all contact and get away from her. Please, please get into some counseling. And read Surviving and Affair and Torn Asunder. they are both great books. Visit here often and learn as much as you can. And don't expect a quick fix. this is going to take some time. It has been just over a month for me and the MB people have been my anchor. They always have good advice and lots of love.
I will be praying for you.

Hi Harriet!
welcome to MB. I too am new here and I understand how you feel. A little about myself: I met my H when I was 14 and he was 17. It was love at first site. We got married 5 years later (I was 19) and have 2 wonderful children. Our marriage was always what one would call "Extrodinary"! Very special for both of us. At one point we started to have problems, not with our marriage but though our business we were having a difficult courtcase. We never had such a sucking xperience before and we both got depressed. I started to drift away and my H too. This is when my H started to have his A. The OW gave him the comfort and words I couldn't but also would of needed.(I don't feel guilt we should of talked about this with one another, we both made mistakes) After I found this out (it was a 3 month A) he stopped it immediatly and we started to understand what was really going on. We needed each other to get through this. It's been over one year now and we've been through so much. (we won the courtcase!) He is still shocked about himself and what he had done and I still do have bad days. (we were both burned out, I could of been the one having a A too) But we realize that since we know each other so well and truly love one another we will make it. Our marriage even if it sounds strange, has really
gotten some kind of new kick! My H has learned to talk about things with me and I have learned to really listen!!! We make everyday special and show each other how special we are for each other. I had to think alot about the time when we met, I had forgotten alot. We have somehow started to get real childish:-))))) and it's so much fun. We phone each other throughout the day, say naughty things, we go out alot, we go for alot of walks (late at nite on the riverside) we talk alot again and we laugh alot again. We surprise one another with little gifts and have became very grateful for one another. This all took awhile but it's growing more and more. I just want to let you know that being married for so long and knowing your H makes things alot easier. The only difficult thing
is the fact that our H have lied to us so badly (that they were capible to do this and we didn't have a clue [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] ) We just have to realize that nobody is perfect, work on that together and make things better!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] It will work just be patient, do things that are good for yourself and think: Love yourself and you will be loved! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
Sandy [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you so much for the words of wisdom and giving me a feeling that there is some hope. I am in counseling now and am trying to get him to go as well. The main problem will be in getting them separated. Absent my going to their supervisor, I'm not sure how this can happen unless she voluntarily quits. The act of me going to the supervisor might be so reprehensible to my H that it would end hope of saving our marriage. My husband is so close to retirement, that he really needs the extra four years to get his retirement. She, on the other hand, just started the job. Any suggestions on how to handle this delicate piece??

In the SAA book, it states that the OP often will find another job when they see that their relationship will not last. It is often too painful for them to continue working there as well.<p>Perhaps your spouse can ask to be transfer or have their office moved? Even if it means a reduction in pay, it may be necessary.<p>My WW and the OM work together (teachers) so I know what you are going through. It is my hope that one of them finds a new job when the school year is over.

You hit the nail on the head - they are teachers, who share offices to adjoining classrooms.

Ugh, I really feel for you then. At least in my case, the OM has now dropped my WW (he finally saw her for the liar that she is) and is going to counseling to get over her.<p>It may be possible for him to move his classroom. Really, everything should be considered to get them away from each other.

The seperation is an issue for alot of us. My husband is still in contact by phone (i hate cell phones now!) and has to see her once a month for his National Guard drill, sometimes it is overnight, boy talk about me going crazy!!! Then there is two weeks coming up in June...YIKES!!! Hopefully he will have come out of the fog and be willing to transfer or get her transferred out of the unit. Just use Plan A as long as he is home and if you can go buy How to Survive an Affair right away, you can even order it on line. My prayers are with you.