I now BELIEVE that my h is having an affair and I can no longer stand and wait to be his wife. I have been trying for so long and realize that although I love the person he is inside, I do not respect the husband he was. I now have to learn to heal and grow. Please help me as you have all been here for me all along.
Sincerely,
JD

I totally agree that his behvaior has been very suspicious. What has changed...why do you now believe this?<p>Kathi

Well it's my gut feeling. There are sooooo many things that point to it and I am now able to see it. Here's a brief (sort of) run down.<p>He went to work at S's preschool in 2000. Late in that year, a teacher came back from maternity leave and my h ended up working for her as the teacher's aide. He has NEVER been a habitual shaver, but in February of last year, he started taking a little more interest in his appearance. Started shaving EVERY day. I asked then. He denied that he had ANY feelings for this woman. Said he just looked in the mirror one day and didn't like what he saw. OK, I believed him. Then we went to visit my in-laws and went to a theme park, he wanted to buy her a souvenier. A small trinket, but still. OK, let that go. Then, I think it was March or April, his boss got mad at this woman and my h was outraged at how she was treated and cried because he thought she was going to quit and he would lose his friend. WHAT A DUMMY I AM!! So, I confronted him about the crying (HE'S NOT A CRYER), he said that he was just sad that he might lose his friend. Then that blew over. Then a few weeks after that he was depressed and cried because he found out that OW and her H might be moving to another state. Again, I tried to be understanding. In May, our son got deathly ill from a virus. We were very close to losing him. THANK YOU GOD for giving me my son!! My h went to work the very next day while our s was still in the hospital. Our son was on the mend, but was still in the hospital with an IV and having just gone through someone shoving a needle in his arm (2x), a NG tube down his nose, a catheter, X-RAY, ambulance transport, puking non stop for hours, and just plain being scared. He said he had to go to work because if licensing came to the school, they could get in trouble. He makes $8 and hour there. I don't feel that his job there was worth him leaving the hospital and if a preschool can't understand because of that situation, then there's a different prob. They were very supportive and concerned. I know they wouldn't have had any problem with my h not going there. While I was sitting next to my son's gurney crying (s was knocked out on Demerol), my h was somewhere else or sleeping. He gave very little support. My mom and sister did more for me and our s than my h did. OK, I dismissed that as him just not being able to handle the stress. Fine. Then he started fixing things for her. Then we started having problems all the time because he wanted to foster a friendship with this woman and I was totally against it. So then in Sept 01, we got into a fight and I left to go to the library with my s. I didn't know at the time where I was going and h thought I was taking off with s. It was a Friday. (Not for good, just as a mean thing to do), so after about a half an hour later, I cooled down and decided to go back home. He wasn't there. My intuition said, "He's at OW's house." I drove over to her house and sure enough, my h's truck was there and he was getting into it. I pulled up and confronted him. He said he went there to get her newspaper to look for an apartment. We both blew up at each other and I later found out that her husband was home. I started plan Aing that day. <p>We (I) tried (he just agreed to try) to start working it out, and I tried to be more understanding about his need for friendship. (He doesn't have any other friends). So I tried to agree on acceptable boundaries. We started going to marriage counseling. 2 of my 3 brake lights were burnt out and I had been asking him to fix them. He was dragging his feet, but that's always been him. Didn't hound him. Trying to let him do it. Occassionally reminding him. Well one day I find out that the OWs brakes were somehow wired reversed, so he had to fix it so that she wouldn't get into an accident. I was understandably upset, and he said that for her it was a real safety issue. Again, I tried to dismiss it. Another time, she had a tree in her yard that was broken, so he went over and staked it. Then another time, one of her doors needed fixed and he fixed that. One thing after another and there I was a total idiot in wanting to believe he was being honest and faithful.<p>Then October 17th, 3 days after our 6th wedding anniversary, where I didn't GET A THING!!! he told me he was moving out and that he already had a house that he was going to rent. I asked how he was going to afford rent on a place that costs $100 more a month to rent than he makes. He said, "I took the rest of the money from the home equity loan!" WHAT!!?? "How much was that?" "$17,700." I can't heal here. (I used to be fairly angry at him becuase of his lack of motivation, providing for his family, being a loving spouse, on and on and I shared my feelings with him for years and he never listened.) So, again, I supported his decision as best I could. Understood that if it cost me almost $18K to save my marriage, then it would be worth it. He stayed in our house until November 10th, 2001. When he moved out, I was very giving on TVs, pots and pans, dishes, towels, etc. etc. Not judgemental, but supportive. OK, now we'll work on our M. Me still plan Aing, him just being a plain Ahole! Not trying at all. Just letting me continue to pull us along. Since he's moved out, he's gone to her house for dinner when her h has been out of town but her 4 kids are there. He goes out to lunch with her a lot. We were supposed to meet on a particular Friday and I caught him going back to work to bring her a Starbucks. He never brings me anything. He dismissed it by saying that he knew I was spying on him so he did it to prove a point. He said he understood why I was angry and would try not to hurt me like that again. OK, I'm still plan Aing and tried to be understanding. So, we're trying to work on our M, felt like we were getting closer. Then I went to pick h up to bring our s to a birthday party together. I was in a good mood, h left his door open seeming like an invitation for us (s and I) to come on in. S showed me his room and I was trying like mad to be comfortable. I looked into the living room and there I saw a picture from school pictures of this woman and her daughter on his entertainment center. I asked him about it mad of course and he said, "They're my friends. I can have pictures of my friends if I want." We fought about it, but I realize that I can't control him or his actions, so I tried to let it go. He gets very angry and defensive. OK, still oblivious and wanting so much to believe him. We had occassionally been intimate (not intercouse), well, I guess I was, but he wasn't. I felt like him letting me was in a way him being intimate with me. WRONG!! So then, he says he feels too guilty about the sexual intimacy so he doesn't want to do that anymore. OK, I understand. I was VERY thoughtful for Christmas and spoiled him rotten. I got a necklace from S (which I adore) and a bible from him. Ok, he tried to be thoughtful. UGH!! So I keep saying to myself that she would never leave her h because he makes a lot of money and only 1 of her 4 kids is his and he supports all of them because the other 2 dads are losers and 1 of them is homeless. She'd be crazy to leave him for my h at $8 an hour. Well then I remember back to about 2 months ago or so, my h telling me he was looking on the net at home values in another area. Apparently she has a house from one of her XH's. I asked why and he said that her and her h were having $$ problems and she was going to have to sell her house. My guess is now that they are planning on selling it to have something to live off of together.<p>Still staying committed to my M, coming here, plan Aing, etc. Then on February 2, 2002, my h tells me that he is done. He no longer wants to work on our M. He's not in love with me and knows it will never come back. Said that he's tried everything he's willing to to make it work and it's just not. I haven't talked to him since then.<p>[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: JD13 ]</p>

Wow,
I am speechless. No advice jus wanted you to know someone was here.Did he already take the money? Are you and your son ok?
you are not alone

bumping. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

JD13,<p>Let me ask you a questions, if H repents and agree on all terms that you have ... will you take H back ?. If the answer is definite yes, you should stay in plan A. Use Venusian technique ... read CarolKH's thread under my sig. Read Plan A missapplication by Distress. However if it is not definite then it is time to get your plan B going or use Dobson's tough love.<p>IMO. Reading from your thread, their A is doom to end, you just have to wait and let them die. By having your mind set now, it should be easier to do plan A. You have completely no expectation of H.<p>In anyway you choose, you know you always have your support here in MB. Keep posting [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .

At this point, I am 99-100% sure that I would not take him back. He has totally violated any trust I had in him. EVERY time I asked him about OW, he denied it. Didn't even have the courage or decency to admit to lying and deceiving me. He has had ZERO regard for me or our son. I asked him in December to please buy our s some jeans and his answer was, "Why should I have to buy them? You have him most of the time." NOT ALL THE TIME, MOST! Not anymore. And besides, my h works in my s's classroom all day. Eats lunch with him, plays with him, has circle time with him, etc. My reply was, "Because you're his father!!!" He never bought him any clothes and I WILL NOT let my child go without, so of course I went and bought him clothes. He wouldn't even pay for 1/2 of his Christmas gifts. Also, remember he took the $18K, he's now down to about $6K and I didn't get a PENNY. What kind of husband and father is that? I was waiting to see if my h would bathe our s when he had him for a couple of days or since he hasn't gotten his hair cut since NOVEMBER, I would think he would have gotten his hair cut. HE DIDN'T, I DID last night finally. He is being incredibly selfish. Would I really want to be with someone that can treat me and our son this way. I don't think so. It is time for me to move on. I am a survivor and will be ok. I just hurt from the loss. I love him and hope that he heals and grows up. I don't wish anything bad happen to him. I just can't be his grownup anymore. I have carried our marriage from the beginning and I am tired. I do really love him.

Then you have to get the logistic of plan B and executed it. The longer you wait the 1%-9% love will not be there for him. If you cann't do plan B b/c of your S, then use tough love approach.<p>Keep posting

JD13. I just had to respond to your post. I really don't think you want to even try and work on your marriage. This man not staying by his sons bedside while sick is just not normal. I'm a father and that would never ever happen. My thoughts are you are a winner in a very real sense as a woman and a mother. "I can tell". But you are married to a loser how puts his infatuation for another mans wife before his child and wife. Please don't walk but run from this situation. And stop plan A-ing. Not on him, tell him to keep his $8 and hour and take some lessons on being a DAD. He does not come close to being in your class. Start protecting yourself and see a very good attorney.