Well, I know that I said I was going to listen more, and I am. I just had to say what I'm feeling right now. Today things were going well, when Nicole looked at my yahoo messenger and saw Chrissie's ID in it. She got angry at me again(don't jump to conclusions, I didn't say she had no right to be) and asked me to go in to my e-mail sites and remove her addresses from all my lists. Then she asked me to block any incoming e-mails from her. I did it, but I was so mad about this. Why? I feel so angry right now. I have to admit it was EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to do this. Every time I deleted her address, it would ask "are you sure?", and no, I wasn't sure. When I blocked her incoming messages, it asked "are you sure?", and no, I wasn't sure that I never want to get jokes or e-mail from her again. I did not want to do any of that at all. I did it because I was told to. Nicole mentioned the "letter" again, and I said that it was something I don't want to do. I hate this feeling!! I hate being told what to do. I hate that it didn't come from inside me. I wasn't ready to let all of that go. Nicole told me today that since I wasn't thinking straight, that her opinions about this whole thing are more important than mine are. That she is the only one who can make the correct decisions. NOT FEELING VERY GOOD .......AT ALL!!!!!! I'M DONE

Oh, Arik, I know how hard all this must be for you. It hurts. Try to remember that your nerves are raw and so are Nicole's. You are going to get on each other's nerves just a bit.<P>Now, I know that doesn't make it any easier, but the things you are doing WILL make it easier. Rough at first, easier in the long run. Like a mom saying take your medicine, right?<P>Arik, give yourself some time. Take it easy on yourself and easy on Nicole. Do the hard stuff, the stuff you know is right. And then feel very proud of yourself that you did something that hurt so much. And, I promise, the hurt will ease.<P>Hey, look at me. I even sleep sometimes!! Ok, so not this week, but it's not everyday you lose your job just before Christmas! It will get better, I promise.<P>Take strength in your resolve and the fact that you can do it. Take comfort in your kids. And, look, when Nicole is scared or hurting and maybe doesn't realize that what she says or how she's saying it hurts you, gently let her know what you DO need from her at that moment. I'll be she does her level best to give it to you. But if it doesn't feel better, remember that there's almost nothing she can do until you get past some of this that's gonna feel right to you, so just give it the time it needs ok?<P>And vent here anytime. Sometimes we listen, sometimes we lecture! But we always care. <P>Ok, end of lecture. You know we just care about both of you. <P>Hang in there. And thanks for being there on my bad night, too.<P>Lori<p>[This message has been edited by lostva (edited December 12, 1999).]

Thanks Momma,<P>I hope I can be here for you half as much as you are for me. Keep that smile on your face always (at least untill they think you've totally lost it, then wink at 'em).<P> Arik

If you want your marriage back, I don't understand why you are making it difficult for you & Nicole to recover. Just 2 weeks ago, my H e-mailed the OW (he responded to her e-mail to him). She e-mailed him after he dumped her 9-months ago. He responded by sending her stupid jokes. Do you think that made me happy?? I can imagine how pissed off Nicole must have been when she saw that OW's e-mail address in your file. What the heck is it doing there if you are supposed to be with Nicole?<P>You need to realize the pain that Nicole is going through. It's no wonder that Nicole is having a hard time trusting you again....you are still showing signs of wanting the OW still in your life (such as the e-mail address). It should have been deleted the moment you decided to work on your marriage.<P>I'm sure that you know the right things to do to restore your marriage. You just need to be 110% committed to it. That means...compensating for all the pain you have/are inflicting on Nicole. Put your ego aside and humble yourself.<P>Sorry to be harsh on you, but I don't think you even realize what you are doing to your W.<P>

Being a better Arik,<BR> Think of it as an addiction like Heroin. Something that WILL HURT you and your family in the long run. Sure it "feels good" to do it but, what are the concequences? (sp?) And Nicole DOES know better right now. <P> Try and attach more PAIN to contacting OW that NOT contacting her. Know what I mean? GOOD LUCK FRANK <P>(you pus** ...only kidding )

Arik,<P>Welcome home. Listen to Lori - think of this as your Momma telling you to take the nasty tasting medicine.<P>I think it bothers you more than Nicole is FORCING you to delete the adresses, than it is to actaully DO it. Maybe you feel a little henpecked??? Mad that she is TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO??? Resentful that Nicole thinks she is the only one thinking straight here????<P>OK - so put YOUR head on straight and do the things you KNOW you need to do to make your marriage work. Then, you get to hold the remote controller, again <P>Luv ya,<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Ya know, when I was in the midst of my affair, I couldn't justify it. Not to say that I was any different from Arik here, but Arik has to understand what he's going through he's brought on himself, why is it that he cannot get a grip here?? I felt like sh&t the entire time, still do with the guilt. Sorry, I'm just not sure what this forum is for anymore.

Arik,<BR>Have you totally disassociated yourself from the notion of "doing what is right" or doing something for the benefit of another?<P>Not only have you put yourself first, you don't seem to even care about anyone except yourself.<P>Since you could not have manuvered through life with this extreme attitude, you must be really out of character right now.<P>I hope you wake up soon, you are seriously eroding what is left of your relationship with your wife. I know you don't care right now.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Nicole, if you are reading this, remember nothing you can say or nothing you can do is likely going to penetrate Arik's mind or change his feelings.<P>If he accurately quoted you, it was a disrespectful thing to say. It may be accurate, but it was not respectful.<P>It was also not productive. Be careful to filter your words and actions through what will achieve your goals. <P>You can not control what he does, what he thinks or how he feels. <P>Unfortunately all three are screwed up right now....or more respectfully out of character. If you want your marriage, you will have to do what works and stop doing what isn't working.<P>Sad and unfair, but true. <P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL,<P> Yes I do realize that some of what I said was a LB. He didn't quote me entirely acurately. I didn't tell him that he had to do it. He saw that it upset me(her ID on his yahoo messenger and her address in his mailbox). We got into a discussion about his commitment and the fact that I don't have a lot of faith in it. He asked me what would help and I told him a gesture such as taking her out of his yahoo messenger and address book, blocking her emails...He didn't want to do it but he did.<BR> I did however say that his head isn't clear right now and on this one point(clinging to even the smallest part of her) I had better judgement. I didn't say that my opinions were more important, merely that I could see that keeping these things are damaging to him, us, me, our marriage. He came back and said so your opinions are more important than mine and I said on this one point yes. I know that this was disrespectful and an LB. Sometimes it is hard to stop them when the hurt is right there in front of you(I know there isn't any excuses for LB's but sometimes they happen).<BR> Thanks FHL for your insight and calling ME on my failures. I am not always correct in my actions and choice of words. I will keep this in mind in the future and be more careful about what I say and how I say it.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Well Arik did twist your words in his quote, but your clarification gives us a clearer picture.<P>It is inaccurate for him to lead us to believe you made him delete her addresses and block the mail.<P>Arik...you see the difference? There was no gun. You asked for the information you recieved and Nicole gave it. You acted on that information, so technically it was your choice.<P>Maybe if you "rethunk" some of this stuff, you would agree.<P>Hope today is a better day.<P>Get on the same team and share the same goal. It will make life a lot easier.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13