I just found out that my husband of nine years had an affair at the end of last year. We went through years of infertility treatments and I gave birth to our first child six months ago. My pregnancy was complicated and we were not allowed to have sex for most of it and after giving birth my sex drive went down, down, down. He has always had a very high sex drive, I have not. My attention concentrated on my son. (I am not justifying his affair, just stating the facts.) He had an affair with a woman he worked with and thankfully, she recently moved to another state across the country. (I believe she had long planned to move back to her family, but I fear that she wants to return to be with my husband, he says neither of them has plans to move and I know he will not leave his son but I worry about what she will do). He says he has "feelings" for her but he has not said if he "loves" her or not. I am surprisingly strong throughout this. I had suspected an affair (I had a horrible feeling the first time I heard her name) and was not totally surprised. I still love him, not just because we have a child together. We cannot afford to live apart and therefore we are still living together but it is so hard because for the first couple of weeks all I could do was tell him things I had thought of throughout the day and night and he was getting upset with me bringing all of these things up. He says he doesn't know what he wants to do but I want to work at our marriage, I want to try to stay together. He does not want to hurt anyone anymore and that this is the reason why it is so hard to end their communication (she calls him at work, he calls her, I believe they email each other there,too). He knows that this still counts as an affair even though the physical aspect is over. He says he still loves me and I don't think he really wants to leave me. He has agreed to go to counseling but so far the only intention he seems to have in going is so we can talk, not so we can repair our marriage. I do not believe that he is "ready" to end the affair, even though he knows it is hurting me still. Hurting us. I recently found this website and what a difference it has made in my life already. I have a totally different attitude and actually feel that there is hope, but he needs to make a commitment to us. He needs to end the affair. We are lucky that she did move, I know they would be together physically if she was still here. I am certain he doesn't love her but because she was fulfilling his needs when I could/did not he is confused about how he feels about her. Of course he doesn't want to give up the person he can talk to. I want to be that person and I am trying. I was just about to give him an ultimatum to leave her or leave us, even if that meant sleeping in the car, but then I realized that I do not want to do that. I want him here. I have read about plan A and plan B but I just don't know HOW to implement plan A and help him to end this relationship. Throughout this I have not yelled or argued, I have surprised myself as well as him. I think that is the reason he just didn't get up and leave. He now realizes that I AM a strong woman. He is confused and doesn't know what to do, how do I help him? How do I be a loving, caring, strong woman while helping him through this? I feel like I've said everything I can to him and I don't want to get him upset, which would make him want to be with her. I am certain this topic has been covered before but I would welcome any advice. How do I help him? How do I help us? Do I share this website with him? (I did ask him to read it if he was interested and he said he would but he hasn't yet.) Thank you. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
