Hi there -
I found out two weeks ago that my H had an A for two months. Three weeks ago I gave birth to our son... we have been married for four years. I suspected it was happening - was basically told I was overreacting when I confronted WH. The woman was 20 years his senior, killer body - would do anytihng sexually - you know the type. She also didn't know that he was married. I love my husband and want desperately to work things out. I am however hurt and angry - he no longer wants to answer my questions but suggests we set a date a month from now where we ask one another questions quietly. I am ok with that - but i am not the kind of person that hides my feelings easily. For the past two weeks i have not acted any differently around him - I have been trying very hard to move on. But I do have questions. Last night I asked him one in a non-confrontational manner and he lost it - last nights heated argument sent me back into the cloud of questions. He says it was just sex - but I think he fell in love with her - he won't admit it though. And if he did fall in love with her - I think I would be even more devastated. he no longer sees her or talks to her. He is trying to rebuild our marriage. but this whole issue of how deep his feelings ran confuses me as I get conflicting answers from she meant nothing to she meant more that I will ever understand. But I agreed to hold off on the questions for a month - so how do i move forward? I want so desperately to move forward - but I feel so hurt and so angry - and especially since his reaction last night to one question I had. I realize my question is confusing - I am confusing. Waht does it mean if he did fall in love with her and how do I hold back my anger and questions for a whole month? I want my life back. I don't know how to do it. Help! Thanks!

....welcome to MB. Under the circumstances as a new mommy and all, you are the one that needs to be cut some slack. Arrgh..... <p>Yet you are the one here trying to work things out. Let your doctor know so he can help you watch your emotions. Just having a baby in itself is stressful. <p>Read the concepts section under the MB logo at the top. Try to take the emotional needs questionnaire. Your H has issues. You both need to understand them and he will need to learn how to deal with the. Continue to post here. Several have been in your position to a degree. <p>Take Care,
L.

alh---welcome to marriage builders. im sorry no one got back to you sooner. the same thing happened to me when i posted the first time. today is my 2 month d-day anniversary, so im feeling a little off. bear with me. luckily you found this web site early-they will all help-be patient. i too had the same question as you do about him loving her.long story short i knew in my mind that he wouldnt do this if he didnt. hes not that kind of man. someone posted a reply something like this to me and it made me think about it seriosly-thay asked if i would feel better if my husband was throwing away our life,2 children and his carreer for just a sexual fling? the thought that he would do this just for sex seemed much worse to me. realizing my part in leading up to this, not meeting his en's left him vulnerable. i have some responsibility too. i dont know your whole story, but you should start reading saa and his needs, her needs. im sure the others will have better advice-hang tough and be patient. we are here. hugs

Questions can be huge love busters (LB). Your spouse acutally did the right thing by setting aside a time when to ask questions. THAT IS GOOD! The problem is, the time is not likely frequent enough for you. This is where the policy of join agreement comes in (POJA). You need to set aside time that you both enthusiastically agree will work.<p>I recommend you both seek out a counselor (perhaps Harvey) that can help you get past this and to help you have safe conversations. It is important that he feel comfortable telling you stuff - that you won't get mad or angry about it. It is OK for you to be hurt and hoepfully he tells you with emotion, sympathy, and compasion (as well as remorse) but as soon as you get mad at him for telling you the truth (or you do some other sort of LB when he is honest), you discourage him from being honest in the future. Learn to express your hurt (use "I" statements) without hurting him in the process. The most difficult thing I have found during this time is learning how to protect the one I love from my emotions (and her vice versa).

alh,
Sorry i also missed your post. My Husband (H) had an affair after our second child was born.I felt him distancing with both pregnancy's however. My H needs a lot of attention and didnt get it for obvious reasons with two small children.
He had an affair (A) with a coworker it lasted two months PA (physical affair) and who knows how long EA (emotional affair).
We took a delayed honeymoon and he talked in his sleep saying "I love you so much @#$%^&* " not my name.
I tell you this so you will know you are not alone.
There is hope it has been nearly a year but we have a whole relationship now. We are happy, he is sorry. He has nothing but disdain for OW (other woman).
Please use my e-mail at the bottom of the my note if you like.
Your H will go through withdrawel, he will feel like crap for at least 6 weeks of no contact. Look at the basic stuff here. Look for "how do affairs start" and "how should affairs end" print them out for you and your husband.
Please order "torn assunder" by Dave Carder today, it will help you a lot.
Come here when you are ready to explode, we can help.
You are not alone in this.